My Diary of Shame

Hi Juuuuunnneeeee ☺

Thanks for your post yesterday and yes, i am crazy and as we established already, that's why I'm ur Sesuo 😀
Ain't ya lucky huh...thank f**k you found recovery and all the "goodies" what comes with it lol.. (that's ur new found friends 😛 )

Keep winning, keep being kind to yourself and drink bleugh! Pow! 😉

Ho ho ;0)

ODAAT wrote:

Guys, you have literally rendered me speechless! Not often I find my gob out of action & when it closes something else usually does the talking but I just can't find the words! I went to bed with a tear in my eye & woke up with one too! I have remained overwhelmed throughout the day & am certain that some of you have made an extra special effort to drop in today! I can't begin to put into words what that means so a pitiful THANK-YOU will have to do 🙂

Apologies to those who I haven't thanked personally yet...I will get round to you all tomorrow (Casey you have a few hours to get that ironing in the fridge & start your diary)!

So, in short, no massive update in celebration of joining the 3% club (although I am very proud to be a member) because recovery goes on ODAAT!

5 more days. Keep building

Evening ODAAT

Thanks for the post earlier on. From the moment I woke up I just felt weird. But managed to get through the day so all good.

Can I ask a question. What is the 3 percent club? I seen a lot of people mentioning it on your page and was curious why 3 percent.

Hi, ODAAT,

Congratulations on the first year. I really admire you and the trouble you take to encourage everyone from both sides of the fence. Your posts are always spot on.

All the best,

CW

Hi ODAAT..... your support has proved invaluable, thanks. Its up to me now to act on your wise words and the wise words of others.

Keep up the good work with your own recovery. Am sure you will.

Warm regards... S.A

Hi Juunie

Great to see you still knocking it out of the park. Being there for all that need you.
Hows things progressing for you? Any work done on resolution of the past? No rush obvs, its not a race but no point procrastinating over it either.

Dan x

Glad to hear it!

What happened to Jungle Pete, i was quite enjoying his conspiricy theory on you being a dude & a spy for the gaming industry

Dan x

Hey ODAAT thanks for been there as always on Saturday got thru it really does help to have your support.

Hi there ODATT! Massive congrats on the year mark! Heres to another 10 more! Thanks for all your work you've put into this forum, and never let your guard down ! gav

Inconsiderate/selfish or just downright daft?

My anger has been bubbling throughout the day since some clown on the train (busy) on the way into work was doing something so annoying on his phone that periodically throughout the journey I thought I was listening to someone else's very loud music from the outside of their headphones! @ each point where I thought I might have to stand up & kick said phone out of his hand he prodded the screen & it stopped! I made it through the day @ work & trudged wearily to the platform relieved to see that the train had enough carriages to allow all of the people stood on the platform to actually board (pleasant change) & walked to my usual carriage where, whoohoo, a seat! Oh no, a bag, who's bag is this, "Is this your bag?" "No", there is no-one taking off a coat, no-one anyone near it..."Driver, driver, there's an unattended bag :-(" Down marches the weary driver with me and as I pick it up & ask "Is this anyone's bag?" to a carriage full of blank faces some bloke barges his way through the door with a thunderous expression. Politely, I say to him & I quote "You really shouldn't leave bags unattended!" to which he glares down @ me and demands to know "WHY!" My brain screamed "Why do you think you effing (but uncensored) muppet?" & my voice said "because they cause a security alert!" & before he could say something even more stupid, another passenger (slightly bigger, much less girl like) stepped in with a cheeky little lecture & saved me from an act of violence! Bag bloke huffily offered me the seat to which I politely declined with a "it's not the seat I wanted, it was the bag that worried me!" stuck my nose in the air & walked away! I got another seat (forward facing, yay) & within a few minutes tap tap bloody tippety tap all the way back (even with the 20 minute delay for the flipping freight train)! FFS, put your phones on silent!

Breathe, breathe, breathe, it worked, I'm still here, but then I got back to my car! I'm always a little anxious about parking for these late starts because the station car park is full & our part time yellows allow us to park outside people's houses after a certain time! I wouldn't like it & I worry about coming home to scratched door panels, missing windscreen wipers, mirrors hanging off, you know, the usual stuff that would happen if I still lived in London. Once again, relieved to find my little girl intact, I noticed something on the vehicle behind...An A4 note (quite rightly placed) because the driver had parked their Range Rover right across a double drive (dropped kerb) leaving almost enough room for a small child's bike to get out!

Seriously, I think my head might explode right off of my shoulders! I'm breathing & as soon as I press send, I'm getting my r*e out in the rain for a walk (resplendent with head torch but minus the mutt who is currently sunning himself somewhere near the South of France with the NM)! I can't decide if I have had no thoughts to gamble because it is past the witching hour for my kind of folly or because I am finally getting there/ran Mr Gamble clean over when I screeched out of my parking space but whatever it is, I am truly grateful!

Taking recovery ODAAT - Juuuuuune

Tonight I find myself restless & wondering...

So as we are talking trains!

Recovery is a journey between two stations. One station represents total chaos(our life in active addiction) & the other total serenity.
What is important is not where you are on that journey but which direction you are facing.

I dont believe recovery is about control. In fact i believe the total opposite. My desire to control everything lead me to addiction. No control scared me stupid. It is only through surrendering control that peace & serenity can find you.

Dan x

Odaat

I emulate with what you wrote, you would find similar passages in my own diary.

Firstly and foremost you haven't found recovery easy, don't do yourself the injustice of belittling the huge amount of time and considered effort that you have put in.

Regards that old lady for me that is a sign that you want the world of compulsive gamblers to 'get' recovery, feel all the things that you have found through your commitment to it.

I know that intervention doesn't work, I experienced it first hand and in truth for the addict who doesn't want to stop, intervention just fuelled the power addiction held.

Use your past to build a future

As the old saying goes, you cannot change the past but you can decide your future.

Good to see that recovery has seen you take pride in what you have, I wonder if you were still active if your possessions would hold the same value.

Because active I know that I was constantly valuing everything I owned by how much I could gain from it to gamble with, nothing had a meaning unless it fed foremost addiction.

Keep putting the effort in my friend, you may not always see the rewards but believe me they are ever present.

And yes the fact that life is still full of shi##t and at times you may feel like a magnet for it, without doubt you are making a choicenot to add to the pile, you sshovel it instead!

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hiya ODAAT

Great post Junie, I too find recovery isn't always "sweetness and light" so much so that after a particularly s#it week at work this week I think it led "the Florist" to believe Ginger had alighted the abstainance train :-0..but I haven't I'm still on Junie..not at the front 'driving' like on the DLR..but on the train nonetheless ;-))

am i searching for a holy grail?..great question June..in all honesty I don't think i am, for me it's just a case of ODAAT (name check intended;-)) ..i like to think i can now plan and look forward to the future but when it comes to gambling it really is 1DAAT.

as always thanks ODAAT for being Juuuuune...OAU..the Ginger one x