My Diary of Shame

Totally inspiring stuff x I'm a compulsive gambler currently on 9 days gambling free. Reading this really provides comfort xx

Hey ODAAT wow you was on one yesterday great reading and entertainment love reading your stories you bring them to life.

Thanks for your posts and support on my diary and congrats to mini ODAAT for getting her place

Have a great weekend

Hi,

Thanks for popping by and posting on my diary.

Please keep posting as you have a fantastic way with words and getting your message across

Best wishes

Ah hah, Sesuo is there again lol..ya know you should stop freaking me out cause you seem t b here every time i plan to post :-D...or you get some kind of notifications of the posts :-))))
Besides..i guess 8hr pact should b re inforced also, cause ya my friend need ur rest too!

Just wanted to thank for the hug lol lol.. and shall be sending some plasters to patch up those wounds! Thanks for listening Sesuo!

d**n..ppl will think we were fighting lol..but since I'm not violent and cleared from that ☺..you deal with your side of the story 🙂

Keep winning - ODAAT

Ps..just thought (yup..train still going but very slow now..soon b hault)..if person wants life as much as recovery there can't be any hurdles on the way! (Or just maybe it should of been other way round..but ya know what i mean..for me it's equal!)
Get this logic - at least works for me 🙂

Ciao!!

Hi ODAAT, good to see you continuing to do so well.380 days....that's got a nice ring to it.

You said... "My recovery has been easy! I have taken tiny steps to improve myself & I am a softer, less judgmental person in recovery but essentially I am still me even if I do like myself a bit more than I used to!"...brilliant. I don't think you're missing the point. The way you've approached your recovery has worked for you. It wouldn't work for others, and lots of people need to understand what drives them to self destructive behaviours in order to stop. But at 380 days you're clearly doing something right, so whatever you're doing, keep doing it 🙂

LifeBegins x

Hi ODAAT

Thank you my next target is to be a member of the.3% club.

Yeah the gym is defo helping certainly lost a few pounds already. Think I ate out of boredom as betting left a big void.

Hope your doing well

Hmmm...

You're not as quick to run away as ya would like lol..PAGE 3!!!???? :-0 PAGE 3?????!!!!! ☺..get ur sorry a** back where ya belong - page 1 that is and enlighten your fellow soldiers on your recovery and ongoing success!

Be good,keep behaving Sesuo!

Tipu tapu tipu tapu 😉

Hi ODAAT,

Ive been trying to think of something profound to say on your diary, but I can't think of anything. I am touched that you have made the effort to get to know me.

I don't know you very well atall, and as yet I have not put the effort in to read your diary, but what i do sense is that you seem to have a good handle on this recovery lark. Whilst we only have ourselves to blame, self-forgiveness is key to moving forward. Like you say, when we stop our addictive antics we start to get cntrol back of our lives.

Living for today. I guess its all we have.

warm regards... S.A 🙂

Hi junnnieeexx

Thanks for your well wishes last week, had an unusual but lovely week.

Just want to say thanks again for putting a big smile on my face this afternoon, I love your sense of humour,

Suzanne xxx

So, bit late but on Wednesday I had an auction site that must remain nameless bargain delivered...2 parts of a divan base, with drawers & a f*****g heavy mattress that took me 6 attempts & 1 broken picture (not the 'Banksy' print that fell off the wall, sadly, but a magnetic photo that it hit when I lobbed it out of the way) to lug it up the stairs! Now this delivery cost me £40 nearly 40 miles from the posh part of London smack bang in the Congestion zone & not only was I rubbing my hands with glee @ how much less than hiring a van it had cost but I was also chuffed @ the amount of my valuable time I had saved!

I rarely gave my time a precious second's though when I was shovelling first coins into the machines, sprinting to & from the bank, then poking notes in, sprinting to & from the bank, then simply sprinting to & from the counter to hand over a piece of plastic. I do know on occasion my money lasted longer than the usual rates in the car park before it switches across to the 24 hour one, admittedly probably only a few minutes into it & I also know that my car got locked in to the car park one night although my memory of those dark days are fading & I do not recall if it was because the car park had closed or I didn't have money to get it out!

I was going to say today, as well as money in the bank, I have time but now seems as good a time as any to say I won't have that inheritance for much longer! We have managed to purchased a little flat down in Cornwall...A fitting end to money that belonged to relatives where we spent many happy holidays as children! To be honest, I was very uncomfortable with it being available, both ashamed @ what I'd done before (still am) with money & afraid because I still struggle to accept the value of a pound & the NM is a boy. A boy who likes shiny, expensive gadgets & things with engines. A boy who has given a Jet Ski far too much consideration! A boy who bought a motor bike & came home with a new bike magazine to look @ better bikes! If that's what normal people do with money, I don't want to be normal, I'd also be very surprised but I harp back to the age old question what is normal!

We are already busy eating spam sandwiches for lunch so we can start paying money back but once the sale goes through there'll be the expense of furnishing it (18 stone (of pure muscle I am assured, I have my doubts) plus 10 ish stone can't sleep on air bed for too long) & bills to boot. I know it's early days but instead of thinking I have to go out & win money to pay for this, my mindset has shifted! I am relieved to be back in debt & perhaps more importantly, I know that there are absolutely no spare pennies to throw away anymore! I am also embarking on a dream that I never knew I had! Just like everyone who has written before about the riches of recovery, I hope no-one sees this as a boast & understands that this is a share to prove that anything is possible when you commit to recovery!

Time to take action - ODAAT

What brilliant news. Good for you....it's amazing what hard work and determination can do. Is this going to be a permanent move for you, or a home away from home? I'm hoping it's the latter or else you'll have to haul that bed and mattress back down the stairs on moving day. Although you mention sleeping on an air bed so I'm guessing you won't be taking it with you. 18 stone of muscle eh? I'm assuming that's the NM, or else you're really going to have to give up those Galaxy Ripples!! 🙂

I don't want to burst your bubble, but I don't think the love of shiny gadgets is because he's a boy. My very own northerner saw his boyhood in the rear view mirror many moons ago but is currently playing Batman on the latest PS4 and would love a jetski but his bad knee would play him up too much. Thinks it's less age and more gonads but that's just my personal opinion!

Anyhoo. Absolutely very well done to you and I'm so happy for you both. Cornwall is such a beautiful place and you'll get real, long lasting, life-affirming enjoyment out of it rather than the other kind that Mr G offered. I raise my glass to you! (any excuse 😉

LB x

Hey YOU, 🙂

You have now found a dream come true that you didn't even know was there because that Mr gamble stopped your life, simple as that,

Hell you have been through this hell for 30 years, one way and another, please give yourself a break now:))

I am soo very pleased for you, simply because you are now looking forward, you deserve this, please don't feel guilty YOU deserve this, I know we think we don't. But we have to believe we do,because that is the way to keep going forwards.

You have been through hell and back don't underestimate yourself,

As for NMs lol, my NM loves everything to do with anything to do with computers, PS4s ( is that what the latest is now) playstation anything, my NM is hooked on it, but the money they spend is nothing to what we spent 🙂 and I totally relate to what is normal,

We can't let go of the past shame, but we have a future and in recovery it looks pretty good P

Proud to be walking along side of you, time to hold your head up high, you deserve no less.

Suzanne xxx

Hey odaat congratulations on the purchase of your pad great to read the positivity and certainly not a boast a pure inspiration to us all.

I aspire to own my own home one day and also realise gambling is never going to get me there far from it. At nearly 34 I've probably got 6 years from a mortgage point of view.

Thanks for posting keep inspiring

Lovely post Odaat, i can def relate to what your saying ,the new place in Cornwall sounds amazing, love that part of the world , so v peaceful. "anything is possible when you commit to recovery!" is so very very true!

Keep fighting , so proud of everyone fighting this disease, and personally delighted that things are going so well for yourself Suzanne and myself.

I dont think that any of us want to return to the maddening world of addiction! We 've worked far to hard to let that happen! GO RECOVERY!!

Thanks for your post junnniee,

Don't know about the mask 🙂 folks round here would think I am more nuts than I am now lol.

Seriously though I believe my chest infection came from the water board digging the road up last September and the field right opposite to our house where the entrance was, this was ongoing from then to this May, ( should have been a full year) but because of the dry winter (I know) they completed all the new sewage and drainage work quicker, believe me the dust that was flying into our house was ridiculous, at least 8 machines were going at one time, all in different areas, but all very close to our house, the dust. By March April time was like living in a dust cloud, they kept watering the road with that lorry machine but it made everything worse, and because I was made redundant and being at home all the time, I believe that is what caused my bad chest infection.

No point in even querying it lol, have been told not worth it, hey we did not even get a reduction on our water bill, the dust, pollution and noise was ongoing from September to End of May .

Thank goodness my neighbours next door had sold up and moved out two weeks before, because the noise 24/7 from their poor 11 greyhounds that were kept in a homemade shed in a small garden, would probs have tipped me over the edge lol, they would have been barking even more with the noise from the water board, ( not worth thinking about :0)) so yes I do feel calm in my recovery for today lol, because outside it is lovely, quietish and normalish( whatever normal is :)))

Rambling now, but I know you won't mind me getting it off my chest ohh :))),

Thanks Junniee, stay calm, stay cool, and keep reaping those long awaited rewards,

ODAAT Blondieee xxx