My Diary of Shame

Hi, ODAAT,

Hope all well, saw your post to WCID.

You are great and doing great and helping everyone else, so you are worthy of compliments. I hope you can see that.

BW,

CW

Hiiiiii

Cornwall was closed. ha ha how are you what you been up to missing you loads ands loadssssss.

Evening Yungen ! Old man PoP's here , how you doing ? .

You really must keep your page up to date as it's taken me minutes to find it !.

Anyway just doing the rounds and you got pulled out of the hat next . Seriously though just wanted to thank you so much for your kind words of support and the offer of further help away from the forum, it was really kind of you.

I'm all good again and just really needed to clear me noggin a bit , as it was getting a bit jumbled up there with all the rubbish flying around !.

Hope your well and maintaining the broken triangle ?, keep seeing you popping up all over the place weaving your magic as only you can and I'm sure it's appreciated as much on the diary's of others as it is mine !.

You take care Kelly , thanks again and I'm sure our paths will cross again soon !

Alan x Soz , POP's

Hi , Just catch you before I'm off to sleepyland , didn't realise you could do that to find a thread , who said you can't teach an old dog new tricks ! Something else to thank you for , oops ! sorry you don't like the T word do you .

Learn to accept a compliment yungen , there not thrown at you without good reason !.

So whats with the self pity then , January blues , life, work or just peed off ?.

Got to look at the positives hun, thems der F**g's to focus on , look at me , I've had a really strange 24 hrs , started out quite crappy yesterday but got progressively better as the day went on and ended with change and I declaring our love for one another for the cyber world to see , I felt quite loved today !. See positives !!.

Anyway I leave you to wallow [ but don't do it for too long ] it gets messy .

Have a good night yungen and catch you soon ! x

Hi Sesuo,

oГ№ ГЄtes-v**s, oГ№ ГЄtes-v**s?
Puis-je avoir un verre d'eau s'il v**s plaГ®t? cette ville est belle!

vi abbiamo perso in questo bellissimo posto, quindi per favore tornare indietro e farci sapere come si stanno ottenendo in!

usted es una inspiración y su voz es así perdiste aquí ☺

Now i guess i made a bull here with my great knowledge of adding words together 😀 won't be surprised if i talked about planets :-))))))))

Buk saugi ir kovok viena diena metu ! 🙂

Coo coo

So there I was stressing like anything about my tax return that I've been 'trying to do' for several months....Why not just do it? Why indeed (confused face)?! Just like this update, it was never gonna write itself but I knew I owed it to my diary & the second I decided that it became something else to procrastinate over! So the 16 days out of 17 I had to work over the festive period (violins please) came to an end & I could ignore the accountant no more!

Hiya G daughter ,Wow that was a long one and no innuendo's please !, bout time though [smiley face] .

I was going to say the other night , perhaps it was the amount of time you spent on here but didn't mention it incase I got clobbered !.

You help so many people on here with your time and comments but sometimes you just need a break from it all , I know it's great therapy for some of us , I find it detracts the attention away from my issues when I 'm engaged in dealing with someone else's but you still need some time for yoursel'f , now I am sounding like your Pop ! , sorry I'm not lecturing you , honestly ?.

The shift thing does catch up with you at some point , I work late afternoon until about midnight most weekdays and although not the same I've never really got used to it and like yourself feel constantly drained , don't know if thats coz I'm getting older or what ?

Can't help with the financial issues but I do find these 3 words help sometimes , Get an Accountant !!!

Take care of you Kelly !

PoP x

Blimey 🙂 Hope it felt good to get all that out! Even having read it twice, I'm still not sure that I have got my head around the money stuff. In a nutshell, it seems that at a time when you were still feeling the loss of your loved ones you were expected to take on the responsibility of sorting out the wills, POA etc and have been left holding that baby ever since. This (correct me if I'm wrong) was because the person who should have been doing the job (your Mum) couldn't be trusted to do it? And ever since, it's been stressful for you and an unremitting source of tension and arguements between you all. Your mum also lent you money, which presumably you thought you had a while to pay but that she now wants back.You're also expected to sort out homes for your sister's children? That's a lot of responsibility resting on your shoulders. In amongst all this there has been the shadow of Mr. G (and still is for your mum). It's no wonder you're feeling stressed. That's a lot. And I'm guessing the family dynamics behind it all aren't all rosy.

So, what can you do? Well, the wills, inheritance etc are in the past. Me being me would probably root around in my mind pointlessly for ages trying to understand it all, but you being the straighforward, sensible, person that you are will strive to draw a line under it and leave it behind. You know that you did what was right, you know you have a good strong sense of right and wrong, you know that actually it probably shouldn't have been left to you in the first place but you've done the best you could over the years with the responsibilities that you were given. You're right, if you flip it and say you spent your wages not the handouts, then what difference does it make? The money's gone, whatever it was spent on. More importantly, you're not giving any more to Mr. G and haven't in a long while 🙂

As for the children? Well, that's a tricky one IMHO. I absolutely agree that being given a flat each without working for it doesn't teach them anything and in no way can make up for their loss. On the other hand, I can see that out of their difficult start having a foot on the ladder would def make their lives easier. But then, life isn't easy is it? Do they think they're getting a flat? Was it something your sister had asked you to do for them? Knowing that you're there for them in other ways for support (which I know you are) might be enough I'm sure your wise head will work out what's best, but the plan has to include what's best for you as well as everyone else. Are you able to talk openly with the family about it all? Financial worries are a lot to carry around and if you can lighten the load then that's got to be good.

Shift work disorder? I'll have to look it up. Wouldn't be suprised to find that it wrecks you though. The mix of lates and earlies can be a killer, let alone nights added together with a long commute. I'll be interested to see what you can do about it.

Two points that jumped out though

"did I ever feel like this when gambling? I don't think so..." You probably didn't feel like it because you were gambling and that masked it and also

even people with the most amazing lives can get depressed! (not saying you are, I'm just saying they can)

Hope you have a good one today. I'm off to feed a pony!

LB x

Hi ODAAT,

Many thanks for your post last week. Hope all is well with you.

You would be amazed how many people let their leases slide - for various reasons of course - not at all common.

A lot of people extend their leases simultaneouly with a sale of the proeprty. That way the lessee can extend using the buyer's sale money to cover the premium. Then the seller only has to stump up the landlord's legal and surveyor costs. Obviously you should seek formal legal advice before you proceed (need to cover my b*m).

Of course, I would be happy to assist if you ever decide to sell.

Best regards,

Mark

Hello Odaat.... I tentavely dip my toe into your diary.

That was a good down load, a good use of this diary i think for you.

An old eccentric boss of mine use to tell me that i need to deal with issues as a salami and cut it up to small pieces. A quality i need to attain but i get the sentiments.

I get the shift work disorder and its good that your self awareness recognises it to. The feelings we have with out the safety net of gambling are hard hai, but very, very real as we face up to our selves.

I've tended to follow alot of your posts, trying to figure where your pearls of wisdom come from, your last post joined a dot for me. Like me and sure many others, i enjoy your take on things. A particular line that did tickle me from an old post, spitting my tea out in the process, went some where along the lines of ' shaving your legs when you were single, but now your married, there was no need to '. So thanks for that chuckle...

The Odaat is doing good...

Ahoy there! and a happy new yr to you!

Wow that was some post ! Sometimes its good to let it all out! I lost my sister as well, through alcoholism, what amazes me that i still drink! Addiction is a hateful hateful thing!

Anyhows just wanted to say hello, so hello!! 🙂

Hey you, read your deep post last night, what a heavy weight you have/are still carrying on your shoulders, am sure you feel better letting that one out, and I know you will make the right choices for you and all of your family.

Am proud of you for realising the load is too heavy, (even for you lol (ouch) you have done great Keeping it altogether, maybe time now to designate a bit, or at least lighten the load, but I think you have that in mind now, you have let it out.

Keep strong and keep making all the right choices, for you and yours.

Suzanne xxx

Hi guys, thanks as usual for your unwavering support...I will pop across to you all momentarily but 1st a bit of clarification:

All the stuff in the past is staying there but the reams of letters & the need to confess all to the tax men & women (even though they clearly know everything) made this year's return particularly painful. Guilt/shame of what I did everytime I see my Aunt or my Uncles name on anything hence the decision to flip it & say it's 'just my wages' that are gone.

My sister was a proud girl, wouldn't ask for pennies if she was struggling...Through no fault of her own, I carry this guilt too coz why should she have struggled when I had so much. How could she be struggling when as my mum loves (maybe that's a bit harsh but I'm not sure if it is past tense) to remind me that I 'never wanted for anything'. Maybe she struggled because she was too ill to work & yet put her frail body through 2 pregnancies but I only think about that when I am being rational, don't give it a second's thought when I'm going 10 rounds with Tiny Tears like I did last night straight after posting.

Can talk to the family but it's pointless & can't delegate any of the responsibility coz Nan wants nothing to do with money (hence I got all my Aunts money & then she wanted me to throw my Aunt's husband out) & Mum cannot be trusted. I don't think I really explained myself but this new stance has been liberating...Few stressful months getting shot of this flat & I'm back on a playing field that I've never known before!

The gambling never masked the money stresses or the guilt or shame of losing everything, again (& again & again), that was there poking holes in my heart every night! I don't think it masked the tiredness coz I'm pretty sure it's the travelling that has made it this bad but who knows? What matters now is getting the right 'treatment' so that I don't morph into my mother (I may need to rethink the whole shaving stance) & become a burden on the most wonderful husband a 'girl' could ever wish for!

Whenever I read your more personal posts( which I personally get the most from) I am always struck by the question of how could she not have become an addict x

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