My Diary of Shame

Hi Kelly and thanks for your post .

I wasn't having a go last night, I thought you were trying to do the whole tax thing yourself . TBO , thats exactly what your accountant should be doing , you dump everything in his or her lap and say "get on with it" and you really shouldn't be bothered again until you sign agreeing what you need to pay those wonderfull people !.

God your'e complex , it takes me more time to decipher your post's than it would take Bletchley park to crack the enigma code's.

Nothing low calorie about your diary or semi skimmed on your post's ? and that was what I was getting at the other night.

When you reply to people , it all comes from experience , from the heart , you give great advice and say it like it is and thats what people warm to , why your so respected !

With me , I just throw a few words about here and there and hope I get away with it , keep thinking someones going to suss me out but I suppose I hid the gambling well enough for a number of years so I might get away with it for a while longer , LOL !.

With all of your family issues , its hard because your trying to be everything for everyone and quite simply you can't , not all the time anyway .

I might be reading it all wrong but you have a lot of pain and guilt going on regarding your sister and that's something you have let go of , to forgive yourself and move on. your mum reminds you that you had everything and didn't want for anything , so what! was that your fault ? No it bloody wasn't !.

Like you say you may need to get the ladyshave sharpened again and bring hubby in on the act but whatever you do start by making peace with yourself !

Take care Honey x

I flagged someone's post as abusive when I was scrolled down and my phone jammed. Please accept my apologies. I need to catch up on a few diaries and this is a deep one where I need to concentrate a bit more. I hope you're well and I'll check in once I've had chance to digest fully. Apologies again for my button pressing.

How can c*r*a*c*k be a censored word , really !

Morning Odaat 🙂

Thanks for the post and in future if i feel the need i'll jump in with 2 feet rather than the tentavive step. Hence, i'll respond via your diary rather mine..

I could of saved you a lot of time, with regards to my diary. My recovery started on page 11. In a upshot, my gamcare life started 5 years or so ago and my 1st diary i banished to cyber heaven ( will explain in a bit ), hence the reason of the missing.

I can break up my gamcare life into 3 seperate lifes - My 1st life i came here broken like all of us, threw my self into this forum and built up a near 2 years of abstinence with the nice by product of humilty, seeing things differently and also the healthier bank balance. My 2nd, ie the start of Volcano's diarys after a period away from gamcare, i had inadvertently drifted back to a pretty much abstinence state of denial, this state i remained in for near on 3 years and shooting pretty much any body who drifted into my orbit. Not a nice place for me or anybody who came close. So, i now view my 3rd gamcare life which pretty much started the turn of this year as start of my true recovery. But obviously with some tools of knowledge. As you know trying to help an addict with denial, you may as well speak to a brick. Yet i believe, some where deep in that denials skull, something is slowly seeping in and if they keep pushing/ answering questions of themselves sooner or later when there ready, them dots join together.

I've seen you ask the question before on why people delete there posts, well in my experience its because there gripped with the adolesent denial rage of emotions.. Just like i was as i sent my previous 'exmug' diary into cyber orbit..

Was it necessary to explain all that, or does it even makes sense. But i guessing it doesnt really matter.

I think as you mentioned in your post that catastrophising is a by product of the environment we were bought up in and our subconcious mistrust of the world. Yet, i really think now thats another barrier your on the threshold of breaking down..

Now to your last paragraph to me... Where am i, truthfully in a good place despite the possibility my posts coming across as black clouded type of chap. The answer i seeked to get me on the sprongboard of recovery, was always there, i just took the wrong turning... So now i'll happily jump over the hurdles alonside you.

Strength and honor Odaat, your a strong un, now to deal with the ' shift work disorder ' and the use of a bic for your hubby.

HI ODAAT

Many thanks for your post. You could do a lot worse than Tollers. Try and get David Wootten to act for you - I know him well and he is a pleasure to deal with. Good luck.

You've got me well and truely licked with regards to the bic. Hence the only thing i can suggest if the garden shears dont cut the mustard is a...... https://youtu.be/X8i7Ga1UqEE

Thanks for popping over and offering your support and advice on my thread. I think the parents thing is really tough, because we love them and they love us but whilst we might want the best for them and vice versa... its really got to be that person who wants to be different. I lost my mum who was the most grounded and loving parent one could wish for, never judgemental, always supportive and my dad also lost his rock too. I am now supposedly carer (well i care but i also resent) for an elderly dad, who is uwell physically and has an alcohol dependence too, and is emotionally disconnected to anything or anyone.... but i will deffo miss him when he goes too.

maybe all that stuff should be in my diary,,, but he ho you seem a good listener .

I like your thread and your story is emotionally chraged but theres a tonne of determination and positivty in there as well. Keep fighting the good fight. Take care.

Hi ODAAT... I just don't feel qualified to comment on your posts. You've had to deal with so much and I can't imagine it all. It overwhelms me a bit. All I can say is you're amazing.

As you know im struggling for words als but as Change said - you're simply amazing soul ☺

Thank you for your unconditional support.

(((((((Sesuo))))))

Hi Kelly , sorry I just put a post to you on my page , pop over if you have a mo ? And thanks!

Me again , with ref your last post , I know that as sure as eggs is eggs I wouldn't have listened to anyone , how dare they tell me whats best for me , I'd have brushed em aside and rushed off to keep doing what I did best !.

TBO , there's so many different thoughts on this but it boils down to the person being ready to accept what they are,

what there doing and what they want to do about it !

Like we all say., nothing changes if nothing changes, Glad I did though !

And regard's the wedding payments , well there's a pretty long line of people in front of you , so might be a bit of a wait ,sozz !

Have a good day Kelly !

POP's !

I just think you are amazing! That is all. Star xx

Ladeeyy Odaat.

Please accept my sincere apologies, in no shape or form would I imply that someone of your fine stature would ever use a grinder for there legs, I was merely suggesting that the ' hunter and gatherer ' OH could find some pleasure in doing it for you.

I hope this clarifies this unfortunate misunderstanding

Kind Regards

☺

Hello ODAAT

What a long list of people you have helped!

WTG ODAAT!

I read a lot of your posts, I like the way you post personally with personality.

I find myself gravitating towards the family & friends to attempt some input but ultimately always come up empty. I just don't understand much about families and there are people (mentioning no abbreviations) I regularly see post great advice there who have lived it. Regarding your recent posts I can only wish you well and think you have dealt with things really well.

I've found it interesting to read how others have managed their first few days. Yours seemed to be a struggle - well done for getting through and sharing them.

Thank you for your post on my thread. It has - along with other posts - given me reassurance, and thank you for your honesty here. It has helped many and I'm sure many more to come.

You can add me to the list.

Glint

Thanks Junnnieee,

Have had 2 cheeky offers resulting from last weekends viewing :)) ohh well more viewings tomorrow, you know me always keeping positive, just need more patience :))

As long as we keep gamble free, we know it's gonna turn out nice every day, :)))

Take care

Blondieeeee xxx