My Diary of Shame

If anyone ever tells you (don't know why should they tho) that you have a heart of stone - i give you permission to show your kung fu skills! & i guess a lil taekwando (how do you spell it? :-0)

My words got stuck too many times today, but i found my voice once again! Need i say who am i thankful to? 😉

Tipu tapu Sesuo, this ticker has got extra life and thank you for helping me to find it!

Now sleeeeeeeeeepppppppp while I'm back on night duty ☺

R

ODAAT

Thanks for your posts on my starting dairy 🙂

I'm in the middle of reading your dairy and wow.

ODAAT,

Just saw a post you sent. And also something i've read earlier in either this diary or others and its regarding a inheritance.

Made me think of a line, i cant really remember! from ' The Secret '. Trythfully i never read this book, and only a 20 min whizz through, but it explained the stress and mindset we go through when we have money.

Maybe, completely irrelevant! It doesnt matter when the intentions are there.

ps, you gave me a nugget the other day and i understood something about my psyche and the recovery horse....

Just read a post you sent about N Bellies, lol, made me chuckle, and even worse mine is proud of his nb, :)))

Keep doing what you are doing, as we know there is no rush, ODAAT is the best way forwards, to deal with real life:))

Take care and don't forget (you know what's coming) be kind to you,

Blondieeexxx

Hiya Sweetie , yeah thanks for reminding me , That speech egh ? Umm ? I think I'll have to work on some new material for the half hour stand up routine ?.. Thought maybe start with Fornication ? Sorry can't read my own hand writing , For this occasion ( wait for laugh ) might be waiting sometime though !! .

Need to do some serious thinking about this though and how to control my sobbing !!!

Check the footsie in the morning and see how the kleenex shares are doing ?

I recipricate your feelings of our journey together !!

POP's x

Hiya Sweetie , yeah thanks for reminding me , That speech egh ? Umm ? I think I'll have to work on some new material for the half hour stand up routine ?.. Thought maybe start with Fornication ? Sorry can't read my own hand writing , For this occasion ( wait for laugh ) might be waiting sometime though !! .

Need to do some serious thinking about this though and how to control my sobbing !!!

Check the footsie in the morning and see how the kleenex shares are doing ?

I recipricate your feelings of our journey together !!

POP's x

Evening Mrs D, only me...I've missed you my friend! Apologies but the sleep monster has been crushing the life out of me & I just haven't had the energy to come by & say Hi but I must coz I have important news!

Mr Gamble slithered out from whence he had been skulking @ the weekend & suggested he could find a reason to get me out of bed...Result! & I took full advantage of his hospitality, got up & promptly took him shopping 🙂 Still only managed about 10-12 hours but given than I'd been properly 'awake' for about 6 on the 2 days before, in total, I chalked that up as a win! I think he unnerved me though...I quite like knowing where he is but I can do without his sodding brainwaves ruining my peace.

According to my Sleep App, I had 6 hours of 55% sleep quality the night before I went back to work which basically means I was so mullered I felt the need to pay £6.70 to park instead of walking a few hundred yards to the station. Tiny Tears spent the morning with me so I took her to a 'meeting' with me to demand an OH referral! Shocked was an understatement, though considering tt had accompanied me to 2 previous meetings with a different manager where I hadn't been quite so demanding, I can't quite figure out why? I'm left wondering whether in the history of OH, I am the 1st & only person to actually want them interfering in my life? Bizarrely one of the terms I had to agree to was going back to see my GP for a second opinion & to 'not take no for an answer'! Quite why I would a) tell a GP how to do their job or b) be asking for counselling on the already strapped NHS services was a little beyond me but appointment booked & the receptionist said I can cancel it once I have my phone consultation with my OH...They're kindly allowing me a lie-in & not phoning until 1030!

So that's my news...This time next week, I shall be sleeping like a log & resuming some of my marital duties (before we run out of clean clothes - may even consider some of that extreme ironing manup has got us all riled up about) but probably still won't be energised enough to walk the mutt 🙂 Tipu tapu (baby steps) right...No point running before I can walk!

So see you next Friday Mrs D - Sleep tite (don't let the bed bugs bite) - ODAAT (but not all day & all night!)

I think living in London has a lot more to do with stepping over addicts than we realise...

I completely agree there ODAAT, and now i'm going to also going to throw you something. Living in the farm called london and being around the millions of different animals is also a dangerous place for addicts in recovery. We feed of emotions subconciously and when yourself is in a good place, your able to stand out side your self and see with your own eyes, that a broken triangle is not the only barriers you need.

To me its about circles, but to get through to your circle, you have to walk through other uncomfortable circles to get there. Hence foundations in the form of councelling/ therapy/ GA and willpwer...

I hope im making a modicum of sense..

ps, i just read ( heard ) your words again rather than looked and you have a superb slant at things. Good on you

Afternoon dearest Grandaughter , Hope your well ?.

I'm glad your shopping with your partner in crime went well and that you didn't take him into any shops you shouldn't !

What's all this sleep App stuff , honestly you youngsters !! . I don't need some bleedin machine to tell me when I'm knackered !,

a quick look in the mirror usually does the trick . The key word here could be burning ? , Midnight oil , candle, both end's ? or simply life and work I'm assuming !.

Really gratefull that you cleared up what you define as marital duties ( LOL) and that even after such a short time in wedlock, like us all It's the little things like Ironing and cleaning that really matter !!.

It's that poor dog I feel truly sorry for and he's the one who's gonna need some therapy if It's mistress doesn't get her finger out and walk the poor little mite , remember a dog's not just for rollovers ?. LOL !

Anyway , take care of yourself Mrs , have a great weekend and I will catch up with you soon no doubt !.

Best wishes POP !

Does 6 hours at 55% equate to 3 hours? No wonder you're crying. That's like having a newborn baby and still having to do a full time job with a long commute and anti social hours. Somethings got to give at some point, so I'm glad to see you're taking steps to help yourself. See what hr come up with, but (back to those frogs) keep kissing if it doesn't work out.

My best advice? Sod the ironing. Wash the clothes, pack them up and send them off to be ironed for you. I know you won't want to pay to have it done, but it won't be forever. Cut yourself some slack. Don't spend your precious days off doing a different kind of work. Sleep...take the NM for a pub lunch...go to the seaside for some fish n chips ( you could even take the mutt)...but have some well deserved R n R. You deserve it.

LB x

Iv'e learn't more about life on here in the last few months , Ohhh ! the revelations ! .

Thank's for the joke pointer's and I'll bear that in mind , I'll run all the rest past you before the big day unless you can send a draught and I'll just put in the appropriate names where applicable ?.

As for the Dog , ou know the unwritten rule " Love me love my dog " !

PoP's

Well done for keeping Mr. Gamble under control. I wondered what had happened to him. Last I heard he was still bitter about not making the cut for the children's book deal. I feel for him - I wouldn't be happy if Mr. Fussy was deemed a more suitable looking children's character than Mr. Glint.

Trying to help people will never be a chore. I'll keep posting and try to keep improving. Certainly I will thank you, take the advice given and provide more 'hi' based posts.

You have to forgive yourself for the past.

I don't like posting that sentence because along with 'you have to let go of the losses' it's the easiest sentence to wheel out and the hardest to act upon. However both are very important; for some the losses are the past people need to let go, for others the problems go deeper. I think we both have guilt about our losses and our actions.

It's not when I have done wrong that it has tortured me. It's the long lasting memories that burden my conscience daily. I've put myself on the streets through addiction and have had to do things out of character to survive.

Forgiving yourself will take time. It will probably be the hardest thing you do.

Take all the help available and look after yourself. If you use just a tiny amount of the effort you put into helping others into looking after yourself then you'll be fine.

Meditation might help ease your stress and help you sleep.

Looking forward to reading a re-energized positive update from you next week.

Don't forget to include the latest all-important sleep app data.

HAND ODAAT

Thank you for your support. You make all this madness seem a little calmer and doable xxx

Hey , I thought I'd post now as am off to work in a mo and don't always get the opportunity later ( bloody customers, just no consideration sometimes for a man with a diary ) !.

Firstly , less of the old duffer , old maybe but , where's your respect youngen ?

Glad someone found it funny coz I got the impression not everyone felt that way !, anyway glad to hear your NM see's through the same eyes as me , maybe he could go on f&f and we could have manhugs and stuff too ? or you could let him have a go on your diary but I've got a feeling you'd lower your tone a bit deeper and pretend it was him ! LOL, LOL ! ( sorry I'm chuckling again), anyway I'd know it was you ? Too many abbreviations and too many dot's ! LOL again !.

I hope you didn't hurt him too much when he made his comment to you , because it's one thing to come here for support but having to wear one as well , Ouch !!.

So until another handgrenade goes booooom ! on the forum I'll send you and your poor suffering OH a cyber hug !

Take care !

POP's

Hello you,

​So we started with an x, then we got a name & now an I luv you all. Beautiful to see your progress. Doubtless you will be beginning to feel uncomfortable with the possibility of a compliment coming your way. But here it comes. You are embracing vulnerability even if you didn't notice it & in my humble (ta Paul), that was always what I had seen you struggle with. Fantastic stuff & what recovery is about. Courageous, compassionate, helpful, & mildly amusing to boot ;). Your quite a gal Kels x

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