My Diary of Shame

I think what my slightly Coo Coo Sesuo was saying there Mrs D was "Put your foot down Sesuo & get back into the world of Internet!"

Apols for the tardy update but I went galavanting off to the bolthole with every intention of posting but just never seemed able to shake the olds for long enough to log on let alone get a few words down! I think I may have alluded to it elsewhere but since I didn't explain, here I am in attempt to type it out...

Neither Nan (who paid for it in a roundabout way) nor Mum have seen my little paradise yet & so with brave heart, I took the plunge & invited them down. For those that have read me speak none too kindly about my mother, you will understand but add a 20 year older version, twice as obsessed by money into the mix & only paradise could have made this possible...Coupled with a good helping of recovery as there is no way on this earth these last few days would have been possible whilst in the arms of Mr G! Now I'm well aware that I'm going to sound like a right female dog here but I am grateful that this is the 1st & only time that this will ever happen! Of course I will still look back in a few years & hate myself for not loving them more, for not picking up the phone more, for not being a better daughter/granddaughter but if this holiday has shown me one thing it is, I will never be perfect! I had my niece & the mutt with me ('why are you taking NM's dog' - quote my mum) to help keep me sane but try as I might, I can't help but be embarrassed by my mum 🙁 She dresses in my old training kit, wears thick white sports socks with sandals/Squash shoes/any old pair of hand me downs that she finds most comfortable @ the time, rarely takes off her woolly hat & despite wearing a Vape thingy round her neck like a treasured piece of jewellery, every time she steps out of a door she has to light up for a few P***s. Like me, she watched my grandad (her dad) die of lung cancer & ever since I was tiny I'd object to even seeing packets of cigarettes laying anywhere ('20p in my bag love' could stay in her bag if they were in there even if it could buy me any combination of 2 from: crisps, drink, chocolate, ice lolly) & yet, still she argues that 'it doesn't smell' when I complain that she/it stinks when she stubbs it out & puts whatever is left back in the box...Newsflash, 'you're a smoker, how the f would you know what it smells like to someone who has never tried it!' Add to that the poor personal hygiene that I have always blamed on her gambling (not sure what I can blame the last 5 days on as she's not put her iPad down & there is deffo no signal) & the fact that she 'gives her teeth a rest' is it little wonder that I'm petrified that I may turn into her :-0

We've had the obligatory arguments about money...Cries of 'how much' (LB styley, in tones that only wildlife & lip readers can hear) when I've taken them to eat out (although to be fair, Mum has been very tempered & even paid for a meal...Nan took that one in good grace with a 'huh, I'll be paying for that when we get back then' because after all the lectures about enabling & promises of 'not another penny', she is still handing money over on a daily basis for this, that & anything), Nan complaining about not paying anything for a holiday (even though she knew she wouldn't have to & yet still couldn't bring herself to pay to have her ears syringed so has been deaf for the best part of the last few weeks & refusing to wear a hearing aid) & little one not wanting to come anywhere if you have to pay to get in! I wonder why I and money don't understand each other!

But, on a lighter note...I survived 🙂 They all had a lovely time, I didn't do my impression of a screechy fisherwife @ any point & I'm home to my adorable husband who missed the dog more than me & admitted it 🙂 I really did strike gold with him! I've cancelled my day off I took tomorrow just in case I was half dead & I'm looking forward to living the rest of my life the way I was living it before taking on this challenge...

I don't know whether if it was my recovery journey, the anti depressants or Aladdin's (salt) lamp that broke my cycle of craziness but whatever it was that has stabilised me, I am truly grateful because I don't recognise me anymore! I have always been capable but now I am measured with a new helping of calm & I never want to lose this feeling...I'm finally alive!

The MoonWalk we talk of was so much more than 26.2 miles of walking (plus 4 warm ups & a couple of yomps to & from the station)...It was laughter & guts & new ground for both myself & Sandra, a plan that neither of us tried to talk ourselves out of (although the 8 mile plans of doing it with all our friends & family next year have long since disintegrated) & something that not so long ago would not have been possible for either of us!

Recovery is hope my friends...Keep fighting for our lives - ODAAT

Just Wanted to say hi ODAAT. Loved the update. You presence has been missed. Hope you are happy.

Mark x

Great to hear from you ODAAT. Recovery is hope indeed. Tri x

Hiya , Youngen !! , I've said before , Your take on life and all it's events never fail to make me laugh !

So thank you for making me smile again !

Take care Special "K" xx

Thanks for the update.

About time!

Worth the wait. Great news to read you doing so well - long may it continue.

A different bolthole experience, good to try new things. Your mother sounds like a style icon compared to the rags I trudge round in.

Congratulations on the MoonWalk, great achievement. Well done.

Good to see you posting round the forum.

You're funny.

Really pleased to read you feeling better.

Blessings

Glint

Thanks for the words of wisdom you have lived where i am coming from.

I have had an almighty chuckle at your description of your oldies 'get up ' absolutley brilliant , not sure what happens when they get to a certain age but some kind of other being takes over them as they become nuts.

Sounds like it might be in the genes though.....be careful lol.

Stay strong

Ha ha ha.. Haven't had a chance to name him yet.. That should keep me busy for awhile. 🙂

Yup. 48. And, some of them are sparkly! As for James, the new a/c, he could never take ol Bertha's place. Never... Lol

Inferior species... Well, he is certainly a noisy little b*****d. But, he cools the air so I mustn't complain. Yes, these are gel pens with glittery sparkles! I'm very pleased with them. This package of 48- I did mention 48 right? 🙂 also has fluorescent colors too. As for Mr. Gamble.. Yeah. Took me four years but i can admit it. I'm beat. Making it so much easier to say no. Who knew?

triangle wrote:

Great to hear from you ODAAT. Recovery is hope indeed. Tri x

Thanks again for your post on my diary. Don't forget rest is as important as work. The body and mind need to heal sometime. Tri

Thanks K. Never worry about dragging me down or setting me off. I'm in a much better place with this c**P than I was at 20 and 30. I'm currently grappling with some hypochondria and obsessive thoughts. Every now and then a light comes on and something crawls out of a corner or two that begs further investigation. Its funny because I often worry that my Stephen King -esqe posts may put others off.

The spots.. Some are sun related. Some are age related. Some may very well be on their way.. Thing is I'm at an age where this sort of "stuff" could happen. If it wasn't spots I'm staring at it would be the microscopic calcium deposits they have found in my breasts. I just look for something/anything to attach this ungrounded fear to. Anxiety for me is just this free floating groundless fear that I think has more to do with stuff that has already happened or stuff yet to happen ( if that makes any sense).

Oooh, that sucks. Can we say sucks? Hmm you're not a hugger and Bertha is sleeping for the season... Not much help I'm afraid....Now, onto a plate of Pecan Sandies for dessert and a nice cup of tea! 😀

Hello Odaat,

Keep posting here it helps recovery. It's helped me. An interesting read on 25th May. You certainly have a way with words.

Good luck in your recovery.
Toad.

Post 1000 goes to me.

Thank you for your kind words on Rylex is diary. I'm only doing all the things I have been advised on here from the likes of you and others. It started to work so why change it. I'm not gambling now so if nothing changes nothing changes and that means I won't be gambling.

Thanks again a pleasure as always to be walking alongside you.

KTF