My Diary of Shame

Merry xmas to you and yours, just read your post to me, I'm smiling and thinking thank god it's not just me who has these moments , hope all is well x

Thanks for the post last night ODAAT, you are so right about 'choices' ..

Today I choose NOT to gamble Today I choose Life! ...My new mantra lol xx

Evening Mrs D, you are long overdue a visit but what with all my self pity & sleeping, I've barely had a moment to drop by. Miraculously, now the Christmas housework is calling I find myself sitting on my favourite step, typing thumb poised. I think the word may be procrastinating but hey, despite my deluded opinions, occasionally I accept that I'm not quite perfect...Yet 😉

So what have you missed? I got my job & start on the 3rd January. For someone who hates change, I'm surprisingly uplifted by this although I have to accept that this is for the wrong reasons. I should be excited about fresh start, new challenges but I'm not expecting the work to enthrall me (the bigger picture has a better outlook), I'm most happy that I'm escaping a work colleague who for want of a better phrase is doing my nut in! As has been pointed out, not having him there to pick holes in may well give rise to a highlighting of my own failings but I'm ready for that.

In fact, in preparation, I marched myself down to my local GA meeting on Wednesday. I'm a little sceptical about a program that can help me manage my defects but I've seen very little improvement in my rage/life recently & I have to give it a shot! It was strange going to a room that bore no resemblance to the 3 other fellowship meetings I have attended but I didn't hate it & Rome wasn't built in a day.

I LOVE Christmas: the decorations (even the ones that haven't made it out of the loft this year), the twinkly lights (everywhere), the family time (not mine), the food (especially the food) & yet this year I feel more aware than I ever have that this is not everyone's idea of heaven. I remember one year when we were little, that we were going to tell Santa to send all our presents to the children in Africa, which although it made me sad, seemed like the right thing to do. I guess Mum must have found some money somewhere because it never happened. I don't know if that was the year I stopped enjoying presents but it did stop somewhere. I prefer a card with some thoughtful words now & despite my time being too precious to share, I do like seeing people @ this time of year?!? I usually work through so the people with children can make their Christmas magic but not this year. I'm on day 6 of 7 days off & I've stayed in a hotel & been to the theatre :-0 I have enough food should the shops decide to close for the entire month not just one day, the Christmas sausages have 'crisped' nicely (oh well, more for me) & the mother-in-law is doing Christmas dinner but even better than that, we're not doing presents this year...The adults are doing a charity donation of our choice instead of buying useless tut that we have to remember who gave it to us so we don't inadvertently return it next year.

I know that the suicide rate is high @ Christmas & this year more than ever I recognise that gambling is likely to be a contributory factor, it brings it home. I am grateful for Christmas, I am grateful for life but most of all, I am grateful for the support that I have had to stop me reaching the stage where I considered ending it...I hope anyone out there having dark throughts finds the strength to recognise that they are worthy of support & reaches out for it! Don't suffer in silence!

Wishing you a very Merry Christmas enjoying every special gamble free minute!!

Enjoy!!

Cathyx

Powerful post and so so humbling...

You got it Sesuo & you are figuring it out! Am i proud? - words are not enough ☺

Keep on trucking - i love the transformation!

Merry Xmas to you and your loved ones!

S.......(ohhhhhhhh...that was close call on the "x" :-D)

Merry Christmas Kelly. I popped off a bit a few months back and haven't had the courage til now to reach out. I am sorry if I offended you. Anyway, that's about it I suppose. I'm so awkward. But, I'm working on not being. Awkward that is... guh..

Congratulations on the new job d:-)

Sure, you could put your success down to your dedication, consummate professionalism, suitability, possibly even hard work might have played a part, but the real clincher was when for the first time in 12 years Jupiter moved into Libra bringing with it new opportunities.

Never in doubt after that.

......^/ / ^
...^ / / ^
A / / A

Very important to look at that bigger picture, long-term success requires hard work.

I would never have guessed that food was your favourite thing about Christmas ODAAT *<:-o

Couldn't be happier to read that your year is ending on a very much-deserved high, that you're enjoying all the magic of Christmas while thinking and contributing to those less fortunate.

That's cool.

Nice positive festive post with an important message.

}-:o) Merry XMAS ODAAT *<:-{)}

...and a Merry Christmas to all on the forum...imagine most people read this diary...they should do.

Seasonal blessings to all

(FMG) Glint

Hi great news about the job, are the hours better, travel etc. I hope you have had a lovely xmas and wish you a very successful new year which you deserve x X

Hi ODAAT. It's great that you've got a new job to start in the new year - I hope it goes really well for you.

Thanks for posting on my diary and I just want to say that I am continually encouraged and inspired by your quality input and reflection.

Hi ODAAT, huge thanks for popping into my diary...Weird the day 18 coincidence 🙂 just want to say your support and kind words really do make a difference.

Cyber hug from me to you ...

M x

I'm currently sitting on the slow train for a random day shift that effectively means I don't see the NM until I finish work 2moro & it feels weird! Weird that I'm not going to see him, not remotely weird that that will mark the end of this particular work era.

It's not exactly been an annus horribilis but I've certainly had some very high highs & some very sad lows this year. I don't usually wish the old years away but I'm really looking forwards to starting a new one. This week has been a bit of a practise run for my 'New Year's resolutions'...They haven't gone entirely to plan but given that this is day 4, they've (it's more like it) already lasted longer than most of my best laid plans. The challenge being to set myself 3 perfectly manageable things to achieve each day...Today going to work is one of them! I had grandiose plans of being more organised with my time, sleeping less, training more, eating healthy...Don't judge, I know my limitations, if I make them too hard, I fail & stay in bed ALL day, sulking.

My sleep continues to plague me. Yesterday the NM sent me back to bed @ 11 a.m. with a book & a hot water bottle after Tiny Tears ruined his breakfast. I'd woken up just before 3, given up trying to sleep by half 4, ironed til 7, gave up trying to sleep again @ half 8 & went out to discuss my 'new' mattress purchase with the manager @ a well known bed store (having bought a 'customer return' that looked suspiciously like a shop soiled specimen resplendent with a clean top & toe where the pillows & foot protectors go). Today the witching hour came @ half 4 so @ half 5 I got up to read & lo here I am, still awake & feeling more than a teensy bit sorry for myself. It's all well & good @ the minute when I'm effectively on part-time hours but I'm back to reality soon & I'm all too clear on where this deteriorated to last year. I haven't completely discounted a trip back to the Dr yet but I'm still secretly hoping for some sort of miracle cure via GA.

I did have a wake up call this week when it occurred to me that I was pooh poohing attending alternative meetings & yet I'd repeatedly driven to 2 out of the 3 locations in order to gamble & more randomly, the NM suggested I drive back out to Gloucester to see Dan again. o*g, who am I?!? Who cares...I'll try anything to 'get better'...Never cured, I know that, but @ least some of this crazy has to go!

Roll on a great 2017 to us all...See you in the New Year 🙂

re the seemingly continuing battle with addiction. Its not always easy is it ODAAT? but you are not alone. People like Dan and others like him are around if you want us. Handing out that hand of fellowship as well as the friendship in here. tri

ODAAT, really Who cares? We all do. You know that you will always have some special support and understanding on here. Hope you have a brilliant 2017

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Hi guys, soz if that came across as a poor me, no-one cares...It was more about me not recognising myself & being prepared to do whatever it takes to move forwards ODAAT

Happy New Ear 🙂 ....you on 2017 challenge? Didn't come over as 'poor me'...was just you thinking aloud...I've looked at details for local GA but don't know if I would dare. Enjoy today ....taking dogs out soon here x