My Diary of Shame

Thank you for the post in my diary ODAAT, I wrote a long reply....and posted it in my own diary instead of here... numpty lol.

Thank you so much yet again for your kind words and support.... I can't face trying GA at the moment but I'm hopeful that as I get further from my last gamble I will find the strength.

M x

Hi ODAAT.

Once again many thanks for your post.

You are right, I can always count on you to give me a kick and rightly so!

One thing you have right, counselling may be required as my issues are not with money or perhaps even gambling. They go far deeper. I have not opened up about this on this forum before but I grew up in a house filled with emotional abuse and domestic violence and chronic illness. I may post more details on my thread at some point but this has had a profound effect on my personality.

I enjoyed reading your post of Saturday evening. Your walk along the Thames is not far from where I am in London. You make the walk sound idyllic however I cannot image what thoughts go through that head of yours along the way. I used to love getting up early, enjoying some personal time and looking forward to the day. Since gambling took its toll, the only personal time I got was after midnight because I was too scared to go to bed because of the nightmares and the fear of facing tomorrow. A great perception as this does not delay tomorrow and only leads to you having to go though it exhausted. A vicious circe - anxiety, insomnia, exhaustion. Hopefully is in the past!

I hope all is well with you ODAAT and look forward to reading your next entries.

Mark x

Hello ODAAT. Just wanted to say a quick hello and to say thank you for the continuing support that you give for many CG's on this forum. I echo the sentiment of others showing appreciation for your helpful and down-to-earth posts. Your warmth and sincerity shines out, and I'm sure that I am not the only one that genuinely feels a connection with you, even though we've never met.

I know that you will sort out the stuff in your life (insomnia, work :(, relationships, GA, your Mum, past issues, CG etc.) and will strive for improvements, accomplishments and real happiness.

Just a side note: have you considered writing a novel or a career in journalism as you have a unique and entertaining style of writing.

You my lovely are a truly wonderful human being!

Such kindness from a complete stranger has touched me so much.

Please believe me when I say if I wasn't up here in Bonnie Scotland, I would be so so tempted to bite the bullet, take a huge gulp and actually seriously consider accepting such an amazing gesture.... thank you so so much Kelly. Gobsmacked is me! 🙂

My Son..Your Mum...Family eh?

Wishing you the best that life has to offer in your continued journey & proud to have 'met' you here in cyberland!

Mari x

Hi Sesuo,

Thank you Sooooooo much for your kind post!

The detail to the literature brought my attention at one of the meetings. Somebody said that re reading stuff makes you feel like you read with fresh eyes taking words in. Couldn't be more true words as there is always something to jump out at you where you happened to miss/ misinterpret before.

Weird and new but hay - maybe part of the change!

Gonna say it publicly you accept it or not (& me not scared of prickly cactus :-P) but i think ....ohh ..let me correct myself - i know that without you in my corner i wouldn't be half way through in my journey as i am now. You, my friend, have patiently guided me on the path i have found now and never ever given up on me, encouraging to keep reaching for that better state of mind i never believed i can find.

I've been here before but as you know i crashed and landed on me b*m, but here i am...standing, fighting & accepting support i truly need to stay on a straight and narrow..i can only try & keep making the right choice ☺

Just for today chook...just for today

Thank you for everything!

o*g, can't stop & chat but I've just taken money out of a Tesco ATM & an advert for their credit card had a word & punctuation dropping in like reels on a slot...It literally is everywhere (grrr)!

And breathe...then consider a complaint to the ASA.?

Take care,

CW

It's an illusion. Your only starting to see the S****e which lurks away in every hole and crevice as your eyes slowly start to open further to this sly entrapment.

Hi just thought I would drop by, hope your ok. Update on my dog, she was one last week and is now starting to calm down, don't get me wrong she still likes to get the toilet roll and chew it to bits, chew shoes if she gets the chance etc., how's the new job going? My jobs been aЕµfully stressful of late but every job has its up and downs. So thankful for the tip on the walking boots, walking in this weather and mud they have been a godsend. Best wishes x

Hello Odaat .. we never sleep do we !

I do eventually like you but not before Ive cried out in sheer exhaustion. I was on zoplicone but even that couldnt put my wired mind to sleep.

You are such a warm lady, kind and a great sense of humour.

Would just like to thank you for being there for me in the odd hours. Your support has been so valuable.

As for that tesco cash point I think it is worth contacting them.. It triggers like that the can lead the vulnerable down a dark path.

Sending lots of warmth your way xx

PS haircut round 2 is booked in for Friday.. if you ever need a laugh i will send you a photo of my dodgy barnet via forum admin

I've just been to the bank across the road from one of my many crime scenes...It's always an odd place to be. I was bizarrely relieved to see no gambling related witchery on the automated machines inside but then even more bizarrely I had a fleeting thought to chuck the few odd coins in my purse into a machine. Weird & it barely had the strength of a butterfly with 1/2 a wing but it happened none-the-less & is yet more proof of the long road I have ahead establishing boundaries with my relationship with money. I've just taken some shoes back that I couldn't justify buying & paid in a refund from EDF from my days on the shelf...One lot went onto the credit card & the other £13 is bill money so upon reflection will not be hitting my account either. I would no more act on it than eat a peanut that could kill me but it's interesting that @ the start of this journey, I wouldn't have dreamt of stepping foot in a place without @ least 3 figures & now Mr Gamble is wasting his time over 2 x £2 coins & some very small shrapnel that the car parking machine wouldn't even accept.

Maybe I'm still reeling from going shopping with the NM yesterday & a particularly nonchalant selection of asparagus tips @ £1.75, ONE POUND SEVENTY FIVE (can't work the bold so I had to word shout it). He just picked them up & threw them in the trolley, not a care in the world. No comparison to say a bunch of closed daffs that look similar or consideration that broccoli stems may be cheaper, not even under interrogation, in they went & in they stayed until the checkout where he slid them merrily up the aisle then left me to pack. Asparagus tips indeed, who does he think he is, the Queen? I wouldn't mind but he's gonna nuke them & chuck them in a Tupperware with tinned peas & carrots, with, latest I heard, chopped up frankfurters! Wrong on so many levels.

Anyway, that's enough of me sitting in the car in a layby wittering away & wondering about the people I've met on my journey. I may not be the best friend in the world, stupidly daft @ times & incredibly selfish to the extent that I should perhaps come with a health warning but I mean well & no-one is perfect, least of all me.

ODAAT wrote:

I've just been to the bank across the road from one of my many crime scenes...It's always an odd place to be. I was bizarrely relieved to see no gambling related witchery on the automated machines inside but then even more bizarrely I had a fleeting thought to chuck the few odd coins in my purse into a machine. Weird & it barely had the strength of a butterfly with 1/2 a wing but it happened none-the-less & is yet more proof of the long road I have ahead establishing boundaries with my relationship with money. I've just taken some shoes back that I couldn't justify buying & paid in a refund from EDF from my days on the shelf...One lot went onto the credit card & the other £13 is bill money so upon reflection will not be hitting my account either. I would no more act on it than eat a peanut that could kill me but it's interesting that @ the start of this journey, I wouldn't have dreamt of stepping foot in a place without @ least 3 figures & now Mr Gamble is wasting his time over 2 x £2 coins & some very small shrapnel that the car parking machine wouldn't even accept.

Maybe I'm still reeling from going shopping with the NM yesterday & a particularly nonchalant selection of asparagus tips @ £1.75, ONE POUND SEVENTY FIVE (can't work the bold so I had to word shout it). He just picked them up & threw them in the trolley, not a care in the world. No comparison to say a bunch of closed daffs that look similar or consideration that broccoli stems may be cheaper, not even under interrogation, in they went & in they stayed until the checkout where he slid them merrily up the aisle then left me to pack. Asparagus tips indeed, who does he think he is, the Queen? I wouldn't mind but he's gonna nuke them & chuck them in a Tupperware with tinned peas & carrots, with, latest I heard, chopped up frankfurters! Wrong on so many levels.

Anyway, that's enough of me sitting in the car in a layby wittering away & wondering about the people I've met on my journey. I may not be the best friend in the world, stupidly daft @ times & incredibly selfish to the extent that I should perhaps come with a health warning but I mean well & no-one is perfect, least of all me.

I love love love this post 🙂

I went shopping at weekend and was in supermarket for ages.... Checking prices, looking for offers and bargains and basically adding up every single penny.... not because I'm skint lol but because Ive suddenly become so aware of the value of money, something I've forgotten over the years of pressing a button & donating thousands to slots....I'm turning into a right old meanie 🙂

Take Care Lovely!

Mari x

You raise a very important point on the extortionate price of vegetables.

I might be able to shed some light on this important issue gripping the nation. I was reading about it on the BBC website just yesterday.

Apparently, due to the bad weather in Spain there's a vegetable shortage.

People are out there bulk-buying broccoli, iceburg lettuces are going for £50 on the black market, you've got cucumbers masquerading as courgettes in an elaborate attempt to cover-up the 'vegetable crisis' and don't expect to see an aubergine on the shelves until the Spring.

Those asparagus tips could be a good investment from NM. Shares in asparagus are going through the roof on the FTSE ODAAT.

Quite a strange ending to your post, like there's something on your mind.

Personally, I like my friends stupidly daft and well-meaning.

If that's any help.

Hiya ...so agree...nuked asparagus with tinned veg and frankfurters...so wrong ! Love your randomness. Know what you mean about new appreciation of money Mari...i too am having to work out a new relationship with cash.

Afternoon Kelly I'm starting to feel like I'm repeating myself today but thank you for being there in the dark times and for sharing the goods times with me. You don't know how delighted I am that you've found the courage inside you to venture into the rooms from what I can see you will be a great addition to any GA room you step into.

JFT KTF