My Diary of Shame

Hi Kelly,

I really hope you are well. Thank you so much for your post of 3rd February. I must have overlooked it somehow! Markwoman's birthday was indeed a success and she seemed delighted, especially after the curry!

I am under no illusions that it will take more than completing the 100 day challenge to beat my addiction. I am already thinking about how to keep on top of my addiction thereafter. I am not alone in this. For once I have been open with Markwoman and also my Boss and if it was not for their support I would not have got this far. Markwoman is understanding. She sees my addiction as a sad period in the life of husband who has spent the majority of his life looking after others. She knows I am serious about recovery and so I have her full support. My boss, as it happens is an experienced councillor and apart from putting in place the practical blocks, has spent a lot of time listening to me and helping understand that I do actually deserve to be free of my addiction and to become content with who I am. There is much work ahead still. This is the big difference and I am certainly not alone.

I am so grateful for your caring messages of support. I can see you are a very compassionate person outside of the Forum as youir messages are always sincere with a touch of frustration which is the difference.

So sorry to post this Jeremiad on your diary but wanted to be sure that you got my message and my thanks!

I hope you are as happy as a CG in recovery can be!

Markmanx

Thanks Odaat...I know what you say about how much you have to be prepared to risk...started as £40, went up to £200, my last big loss was around £600... It wasn't a one off. But I am telling myself I don't really have a problem, I can control it...all I need is self control and will power. I'm an idiot x

Thank you so much. I have your email now and will send you an email tomorrow so that you have mine.

Your such a warm soul, Thank you x

Thanks Odaat.....beginning to understand it is not just about will power...will be in touch soon, thanks for your message xx

Thanks for your post Odaat, it was nice and meant a lot.

Before I go on, the above message from Rhoda is cool and someone else getting ' it ', that albeit will power a useful tool, there's maybe more to understand.

A cunning, confusing addiction, with which even the experts disagree....... So, if they can disagree, explains a lot about myself and my past misdemeanour disagreements on this forum in the past.

Anyway, hadn't intended to write that, so here goes.

You've been a valued and active member of this forum since your arrival, with some very well thought out posts with substance and sense of humour to boot....SOH, very important in my book. But, unless I'm mistaken, which wouldn't be the last, im reading the same person writing, albeit this time with a sense of calmness. Some things clicking/ a noggin rewire in progress.... possibly !! Good on you.

A strength and honor to you Kellie

Hi Kelly, hope your well and thank you for your kind and thoughtful words on my diary. I did shopping therapy yesterday, I now feel that I have shares in wallis and next but it felt good so was worth every penny. Update on my dog, having a phantom pregnancy, cost me 28.00 pounds and 5 minutes of the vets time to tell me that! I'm in the wrong trade! How's yours getting on? I went back to the gym last night so I'm trying to get back to normal. speak soon, take care x

Uncomfortable post alert...

Money doesn't make us happy guys...

There's an ex City worker who was on a 6 figure salary, married with 2 kids meeting up with my husband 'for s*x'. Yep, my husband & present tense.

After 2 years of my pity party what I thought was acceptance of my recovery foundations was in fact apathy.

On the 2nd consecutive night of sitting down alone like the 'good old days' & working out how quickly I could clear my mortgage I realised that this is my go-to method to deal with my anxiety. Imagine my surprise when I woke the NM up @ 0100 hours to have a bit of a rant & cry victim only to discover he wasn't wanting to 'fix things' anymore.

After some heart wrenching talking about what can easily, albeit a little dishonestly, be blamed on a mid-life crisis he eventually decided that he did want to try & move forwards as a couple admitting to me shortly afterwards that he was having an affair after all (I've been accusing him for weeks the Witch that I am) but that it was over. Turns out it wasn't as he hadn't told her & in my head having convinced myself that he was walking it seemed like a good idea that I don't try & stop him. I'm sick of the deceit that has plagued my entire life & decided that the scrap of a life line he had thrown me deciding not to walk was enough. Now, before you all start with the lectures, I've had them & I've given them to myself so I'm not going to waste my time trying to justify the unjustifiable as I accept I am work in progress. I know that by giving him permission to continue, despite not being able to fathom the link, this is me somehow returning to my comfort blanket of addiction. But it's something that I have to do.

I don't want him to stay out of pity because I cried my heart out, I know that I may be delaying the inevitable, simply allowing him to become strong enough to go or find someone younger & prettier without quite so much baggage as his current floosie but that's a risk I'm willing to take because after all this time I really feel alive. I haven't degraded myself getting down on my knees & begging, promising I would change when we all know what promises mean. No empty words anymore, actions matter. The green eyed monster has ignited something in me that I thought was lost forever, I'm not made of wood after all & him, well, well he's just a man!

The money doesn't matter anymore. I don't need to save every penny & expect him to want to do the same so that the mortgage can be paid & then we can start really living, I want to live now. I don't necessarily want to sit on a plane for hours on end but I want to sit with him.

I want him to buy me nice presents. We actually can't think of anything he's bought although he does treat me like he's a feeder when we go out so I'm not complaining. I want to have nice lingerie to feel s**y in not just granny pants & onesies with 2 lumps of brown mess resembling an emoji on my feet to feel comfortable, those things have a place when I'm home alone but not when I'm being normal. Before 'making up' on Friday, I hadn't properly kissed my husband, ever, not even on our wedding night. Sure I suffered the mandatory stubble rash when we were dating but he jumped out of the frying pan into my fire 4 years ago whilst still in the throes of a divorce & the bedroom gymnastics have been sorely lacking ever since as I could never get over the fact that s-e-x (said in a Miranda style voice) is dirty. Well I'm guessing, as the bit of rough for some City strumpet, then it probably is but in my home with my stupid husband it isn't & call me mental but I'm not fighting paper tigers anymore, I'm going to flipping well enjoy this while it lasts. We have made plans, spoken for hours, implemented rules & are managing expectations in an adult way & after 3 days of hurt & confusion & jealousy & love I am feeling really excited about the future in a way that I could never feel before because when we met, I had a nasty secret. I've been living a half life, with the sleep & the work, now I don't feel anaesthetised anymore.

You never cease to amaze me. I knew the story. But to share it shows i was right about you. Pffft dont know what i can teach you x

Not sure what to say! Just happy that you are dealing with it head on and not hiding out in addiction. Life never stops throwing c**P our way but we decide whether it will be our undoing or a step to something better.

Take Care

Cathyx

Yea, same here! You will owe me good night's sleep Sesuo as I'm still rattling from such "news"

As i said, trust your instincts and nobody can tell you anything otherwise because you know the best.

Wish you all nice things going forward!

We both walk in truth my friend, not yet able to be as open as you....enjoy the excitement x

Hi Kelly, I'm full of so many mixed emotions reading your last post for you but I have a feeling that you will get through this and start enjoying life to the full x you are a strong person and this is probably one of the hardest things thrown at you since being gf, but if anyone can work it out it's you! best wishes, x

Not sure whether I'm articulating this very well. But, s***t! That's a fantastic post. Full of honesty and passion of life.

Good on you !

To start - I've known about the fallacy of money not making us happy for a long time. Despite, what many may think on here, I try not to be flippant but you can only talk of one's own life's experiences and I'm fortunate to have a connection with a Cumbrian port town, where's there's literally FA in terms of work/ money but instead replaced by laughter, love and life..

You've shown a lot of understanding and honesty, sharing something very personal to this cyber world..... Now, that's what I call bravery and human form in its brightest light.

I have a similar experience, no need to share as in the past. But, sometimes loving relationships need a jolt, to make both understand what they both have.

Your showing a lot of self awareness and shows what a nice lady you are.

Take care..

God Kelly, I've just read this. I'm in shock. I really want to write something meaningful, but I can't. I don't know what to say. I can't wrap my head around it, and I'm upset for you that this is something you're having to deal with.

I'm glad you've talked and reached some level of understanding. I'm happy that you've got a future together. You don't want lectures which is fair enough...it's no-ones business but yours. But sheeet man, I really didn't see this coming. I hope you're ok. Call/text/email...I'm here xx

I had to read this three times, and on the fourth time just now, fair balls to you!!!

When I first started reading, I wanted you to walk away, get rid move on. But you don't actually want to do that, so why do it....

I admire you for fighting for what was yours and knowing that you had to accept the things your husband has done, to move forward together. What a stong and powerful woman you really are.

Bestest wishes.

Julie x