My FOBT recovery

Day 70.

I can also confess to the cartoon racing , funny enough it was the cartoon racing that I usually won money on , for some strange reason I also "studied the form" looking back I pull faces just saying that I "studied the form" cartoon racing thats what desperation , gambing and a mind full of betting does to you.

I now realise since I was 14 years old I have been in a bubble of gambling , chasing losses , covering my losses , selling my wordly goods to pay for gambling , credit cards , loans , friends , losing girlfriends , selling cars , losing jobs , losing sleep and basically a huge part of my ife taken by this horrible disease.

Now I have experienced life on the "other side" it feels so much better , recovery is the only way for me.

I cannot win because I cannot stop.

John

Fella some outstanding therapy you have been gifting yourself I hope that it serves as well for you as it does to read.

Funny enough addiction uses the word 'controlled' a great deal in my own personal battle with it.

It tries the old, go on you are a clever fella, your wasting your skills not studying the form, not taking all that free money! !

The truth is for me the act of gambling leads to only one thing, another act of gambling.

I become compelled to relentlessly gamble, it becomes an itch that never stops itching.

Abstinence, total abstinence for me ensures that there is simply no itch.

I see abstinence as the ultimate gift to myself, I have no remorse for choosing it because it's outcome each day is of my own making.

Smiler wrote on my thread on my first day here 'be kind to yourself'

At the time I never understood the meaning of those words, in truth I believed I should be punished for my actions.

Today I understand that I punished myself enough, by feeding addiction for twenty years.

Recovery is a gift, one only we can give to ourselves.

Enjoy it fella.

As for those pictures enjoy them for there art.

Something else recovery sought to give by opening your eyes.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Day 73.

When I say things like "looking back" "in the past" etc I often wonder if complacent given I am only 73 days into my recovery.

In my head this is by far the longest stretch of non gambling and in my eyes I can only see my resolve getting stronger , everyone is different I guess but reading other stories people in similar situations have returned to gambling after a long spell on the road to recovery.

The difference I guess is that I hit my lowest ever low , the rock bottom and that made me want , must anything but gambling again please , I did not ever want to return to the feeling that one dark morning about 4am when I had lost , lost and lost some more and if there wasn't security restrictions placed on my account I would have lost my whole life.

I have had some very dark days in my life including my fathers own death and watched his last dying breath which will stay with me forever , to put into perspective that "rock bottom" night of gambling it will be a very close second to experiencing actual death for me , a whole mixture and a lifetime of emotions rolled into one and a very heavy loss was a harrowing reminder of just how close I took it to absolute sabotage and my whole world going up in smoke.

It is with these thoughts in mind I am driven in recovery to take one day at a time , knowing I am only one day away from a slip but at the same time one day away from another victory.

Day 75.

Managed to escape the hype of the horse racing this week and be in a world without gambling , day 75 and the very fact I have come this far is bigger than any horse I backed ever winning.

The weekend is now upon us and another battle today especially given Saturday was the one key day when I used to gamble on anything and everything.

Day 77.

Dodged a whole week of horse racing on the tv when gambling and so called offers are rubbed in your face.

Did have the urge to gamble big on the football yesterday stayed focused and went to clear my head with a beer or two , when I get the urge I now ask myself why , look at the positives in my life without gambling and there is only one winner.

Onwards and upwards closing in on my first 100.

Day 79.

Cash is ultra tight at the moment with different things going on.

This week is the hardest week of all with many struggles and thoughts of gambling , I know I have to keep strong but I even had a dream last night that I had fallen off the wagon , ven in the dreams though I lost in the end and woke up this morning horrified that id slipped when I then realised it was a dream.

I had a similar experience when I stopped smoking and in my dreams I smoked , strange how the mind works when you cut something out of your life completely especially gambling which is all my adult life.

I need to stay strong and tell myself even though money is tight , it would be non existant with gambling there.

Thanks for your message John,

80 days today, great achievement be very proud, it's not always an easy journey.

Keep strong and keep winning.

Suzanne xxx

Day 80.

Nice round number but the journey to get here was worse than taking the family to Cornwall in the summer "8 hour drive , little air con , screaming baby and endless traffic" oh and being stuck on the middle of the severn bridge (afraid of heights)

The mood swings and daily battle with myself is getting better but there is still a long road ahead of me.

Recovery shows me that my life is stressful anyway , gambling just made it worse and consumed time that I could put into my work to ease to burden of doing everything last minute and making mistakes.

I put all my energy into my job and into recovery now , leave enough "family time" to switch off and ee my young boy growing up , I grew up surrounded by gambling , he will not grow up in that environment simply I will not let it happen.

Money is tight , the stress of the wedding adds extra pressure , we have enough saved but very little to fall back on , when money is tight my mind always wonders to gambing , instead I have worked a few extra hours in my own business trying to attract new customers , not very much interest but at least the few hours pays for itself with a few small jobs which keeps the wolf from the door.

I will start to see a huge difference after the wedding and when my other half gets back into work , two huge factors which occupy my mind at the moment , I want to wedding to be the one she dreams of , but at the same time I need her to be working again to ease the burden on me.

Happy day 80 to me , long may it continue.

John

Fella I have often experienced dreams of many manifestations about gambling, the fact that I always lose tells me that my rational brain is in there fighting my corner, I imagine that scene from braveheart when the smaller army turn and bare their backsides !!

Addiction actively controlled my every thought progressively for twenty years, I assume that those dreams are the results of those actions, kind of my mind offloading the shi#te.

Keep processing them fella.

Lastly recovery has taught me how to live within my means, the true value of those pounds I graft hard for.

Ironically there was always enough to satisfy those I thought I had to make more for.

But that's just another way addiction twisted my mind.

Keep making the right choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks Dunc,

You certainly speak from the heart and I can relate to so much from your different posts.

Day 81 , passed a bookies today in my local town of Halifax , I could see woman arguing with there partners who sat there like lunatics on the roulette machines pumping £20.00 after 20 in the slot , kids outside crying and it filled me with deep sadness to see what the fobt does to people.

I was that person gambling my own familys lives for the sake of a few quid , today though my day was different I spent the morning in town buying greetings cards for different events , toiling with the idea of buying a smart suit style jacket and then not going through with it because it was £70.00 , strange I had such a battle to spend £70.00 on a jacket yet I wouldn't think twice about blowing a good £500.00 in an hour on the fobt.

Instead I came home today , trying to drum up some business this afternoon and said to myself if I get that magical sale that makes me £70.00 I will go back to town and buy the jacket.

Day 83.

Yesterday was another difficult day , monday again tight and thoughts turned to gambling.

Another night of dreaming about gambling and losing , a lot of my dreams are a mixture of all the bad gambling days rolled into one , just shows even in my sleep gambling ruined me , a definate wake up call if ever I needed one that even in my dreams it goes t**s up.

Gambling was a part of my life for so long I wonder after 83 days when will it get easier , will I always have these thoughts and dreams , thinking in my head the road to recovery is like when the bloke in trainspotting goes cold turkey.

Something needs to change , the country is rubbing my nose in gambling at every opportunity , there seems to be no blocks in place from the commissions to prevent the industry further lurring people in with the promise of free money.

Strange in other countries when im on holiday it is peaceful , no thoughts of gambling , mainly because there are no televisons , no adverts and no bookies.

Dont think I could ever live abroad but would certainly aid my recovery.

You are doing great John, I think we have to try and accept and live along side this horrible addiction, it will always be there, but the longer we abstain and maintain, the easier it gets to live with it, because we do get stronger every day and recovery is more important than gambling,

Keep strong

Suzanne xx

Day 84.

Today is awful the last few days my mind is completely occupied by gambling it is like my old self is awake inside me and have a massive urge to blow a few hundred in the roulette.

Recovery gifted me to think ahead to the consequences of such a blow out and when I think about it the most I stand to win is a few hundred , the most I stand to lose is a few thousand.

I have just got to stick with it and overcome this rough ride , it wont be easy but im sure ill get through.

Hi John
I see you have been struggling these last few days. Addiction urges usually occur when our brain is trying to fix a problem or feeling we dont quite know how to fix or face. Find the cause of whats troubling you @ the moment & directly tackle that. When we face problems in our lives directly we no longer need addiction to solve them for us & it will shut up.

Very true day at a time , my problem is lack of cash and being quiet at work.

My old gambling head comes on and think I can just make a quick quid when I need it most.

Truth is when I say im short of cash im probably better off than I realise gambling would just make it worse.