My journey of hope

Hi there.

Well done on fighting those early urges 👏👏👏. Just picture them as large waves in the sea and “surf that urge” so to speak. We all know what happens to waves - they come quickly crashing down as soon as they arrive.

Do you have all the necessary blocks in place? If not, this would benefit you even further to prevent any further gambling as they just stop you in your tracks when those strong urges come thick and fast 👊.

I hope you have a better day today. I can honestly say that the further you distance yourself from gambling, taking it day at a time, the better your life will become in more ways than one.

Wishing you strength and determination going forward in your recovery.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

@j5a6meyr4z thank you for your kind words. Yea I do have blocks in place though it’s a bit trickier when you have an iPhone. 

I really liked what you said about the waves. today I have had some really tough waves. In the last hour alone I’ve had two strong ones. The first one I left my phone in another room while I had a soak in the bath and read my book. The second one came just now. Gosh it’s been hard because I got a big payment from work yday and it’s sat in my account so I keep having the thought of ‘go on just deposit a bit of it maybe you can double it and withdraw it then’. I’ve really had to fight this and come as close as opening a website up. But I’ve not done it I’ve reminded myself of everything I’ve wrote in this journal and on this forum about the tricks my brain is playing on me. It’s been really helpful reading my own words back and it’s stopped me depositing. I’ve actually just used the money instead to pay my credit card off! 

now goin to make a cup of tea and get engrossed in a bit of work before going out for a walk , then I’ll do some exercise with my friend. 

ANOTHER bit of armour I have put on myself today. The more I resist the urges the more confidence I’m gettng that I ca resist them as it’s giving me the evidence that I’ve been able to resist so I can do it again. It’s really working this time and I am so happy 

Hi Hopeful! 

Wow, you've harnassed some power there. Chose to distract yourself (and good choice by the way - bath bubbles and a book sounds wonderful), then stuck two fingers up at the urge, stamped on it a few times, and dropkicked it, now it's crying quietly in the corner because you chose to make a great decision and pay your credit card off.

Go you!! That's awesome. Bloody awful those urges aren't they, keep bothering you when you're just trying to mind your own business. But you have surfed those waves - these last few days and come out with a medal.

Keep on staying strong. I love that you listened to your gut too and came on here, not because you were at an all time low. Your instinct looking after you there, very wise.

All the best ❤️ 

Hiya

For me alongside the blocks two things that have helped me is accountability and connection. Accountability is strong for me. My partner knows how much cash I have. She has login details for my bank accounts and email. The same goes for my mum. They can look whenever they like and unlike in action I honestly don't mind and feel it protects them as well as me. I get receipts for everything and put them in a pot so my partner can check when she likes. I leave my phone on the side rather than in my pocket. When I put that accountability system in place that for me looked impossible to side swipe even if I wanted to, I believed - well that's accountability in place. I always knew for 5 decades I bet on horses, greyhounds, slots, two spiders on the wall, Albanian womens netball fourth division but now im betting on myself. That's one bet I can never afford to lose. Then I realised that if I bet again, how would that feel to me coming on here. How would it feel going to my GA meetings ?

I'm not for one minute saying I am perfect or that people shouldn't have relapses but after all that time I was broken in November and I don't have a relapse in me, I dont have the fight. Now I know what accountability means to me.

Connection is beautiful and a big part of that is routine. For me that looks like waking on a Sunday and writing out each day in my routine pad for each day. I write out all the things I do each day and add in everything I would like to do the upcoming week. If I don't complete all of them I move then on a day which isn't the end of the world. This routine has become the norm for me and because there is no mention of gambling I don't get the urges. 

You may find the urges coming fast and frequent. I'm only on day 111 but it does get easier and that new simpler way is out there for you and I know you will get it.

Embarrassed. Relapsed already. Luckily not lost any significant amount. But I feel pathetic, I even considered coming on here and pretending I’d not relapsed I am that embarrassed but I also know none of you will judge me. 

I feel so angry at myself I was doin so well. There is one website in particular that will just not block meno matter how many times I email. I won’t name it for obvious reasons but this is the only website I’m managed to access. 

I’ll continue my journey. But feel so ashamed I couldn’t even manage 4 days. Though 4 days is also more than I’ve managed before so I will hold onto that and how I was able to fight urges

how can I learn from this relapse? It came when I went to bed last night and then got straight on my phone. Then I’ve woken up early today and gon straight back on the phone to continue. So going to bed with my phone was the trigger I don’t know if it’s boredom or what. 

does anyone have any advice on how I can learn from this and try and mitigate it moving forwards ? Thank you for not judging thank you for reading 

Hi Hopeful

Are you able to speak to one of the advisors or come on the 8pm chatroom to talk ?

Relapses happen and it's a practice run. If you were driving along the road, saw a pot hole and thought it would be ok to run over it. You get a puncture so stop the car and change the wheel. For me I would carry on driving and avoid the pot holes. What I wouldn't do is drive all the way back to the start of my journey. Maybe pick yourself, dust yourself off, learn from the experience and how it made you feel and start again ? By coming back on here and being honest, you've done that. I've given up over 1000 times going to bed and have woken up and gambled straight away. I look at those as relapses because I really wanted to give up. For me they were practice runs

Does that website get around Gamban ? If you have that installed and it does, just report the site to Gamban in the app on your phone and it will be blocked within half an hour 

For me, I don't get urges but I get thoughts about gambling and get down. I have things I do to take my mind off it. Why not do a quiz or crossword online instead ? Maybe go and make a cup of coffee ? Anything to take your mind off it. It will soon go and starts to build your support network. I rely on my network whenever I need it 

Dear Hopeful,  

I'm sorry you returned to gambling after being gamble free. You have done the right thing seeking support. 

The Helpline is here at any stage of your recovery, you can reach out by phone call on 0808 8020 133 or live chat anytime, we're here 24/7. 

Best wishes,

Moderator, Sara 

@lp5vut869c hi Stuart thanks again for all your kind words. I am feeling stronger again today. In some ways perhaps the relapse useful because it’s allowed me to reflect on WHY it happened. I don’t know if it’s bad habits or boredom? But basically I went to bed early, and that’s normally where I’m straight only phone to gamble. So that’s what I ended up doing almost like a routine? I went on my phone to look at other stuff and eventually found myself on a gambling website.  So I thought to myself how can I manage this next time and put a time delay between me and the phone? So I’m going to leave the phone out of reach as I probably would not get up to get it but when it’s at the bedside table it’s too easy to reach other. Its clears can’t go on th phone for other things as it will lead to gambling. I wrongly thought I I could browse my phone and not gamble but I’ve learnt a lot from that experience. And it’s not a bad thing either as I’ve been wanting to break the habit of going on my phone in bed for ages! 

fortunately I did not lose any great amount so that’s a near miss. I’m taking all of the learning from the experience and I’m remaining committed.

So back to day one today. but I’ve learnt a hell of a lot from that one experience! 

Hi Hopeful

I love the post above and most of all your insight into your own journey and determination to start again. I can't agree more that the old saying, we learn from our mistakes can be a mantra for relapses. I use set backs as just more power to my recovery. No need to jump off the cliff to the beach, keep going. The best thing to do when things get tough is to keep going

I know you mentioned it in a bad way but you mentioned routine which jumped out at me. I was only thinking last night about routine. When I gave up last November and entered recovery my mental health was dreadful. I was taken to some very dark places and to simply function I ended up writing a daily iternary so I wouldn't forget anything. I ended up in a slightly better place and stopped doing these. Last night I realised that now my support network has grown I need to return to doing those so I don't get stressed. I didn't realise that I do have a routine. It's a routine that really works for me. If you had told me that last year I would have laughed because the elements would have sounded alien to me but my word they work

I wake up and say the serenity prayer which reminds me of what I try to practice each day. 

I then meditate. Now I'm in to spiritual healing but this really works. Guided meditation for 10 minutes on YouTube and I just feel refreshed

I wrote my list of 10 things to be grateful for and my word that has changed over the last month

(these are part of the 12 steps of course and they are amazing)

I then go for a walk and the day has started perfectly

Read some topics on Gamcare and evive app

Listen to a recovery podcast or watch one on YouTube

House chores

Ring my sponsor and two other GA members

Chatrooms and so on

Having routine and looking at an iternary doesn't mention the word gambling or bet so my mind just thinks of each item to do that day, stress free - love it

Thank you for everyones replied I read and appreciate all of them and the amazing advice contained within 🙂

Unfortunately I had another relapse, and did blow about £500 which I am ashamed about. I got on the chat though and got a message from the mod who sent me a link to Gambans new version they are currently testing for iphone. I had emailed gamban about this and was awaiting a response which is when the relapse happened, but it was like I knew that this was going to work, and then I would not be able to gamble anymore. It was like I wanted to have one last gamble, it almost felt like a grieving process because I knew the gamban new installation on iPhone was going to work.

I can confidently say it has worked. I can no longer access the one remaining website that I have been using for about a year that has stopped me from recovering - that has not self excluded me when I have asked. Gamban has now quite literally saved me, and I am so grateful to the mod in the chat who sent me the information. 

Yesterday I felt a new sense of freedom. I felt a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I kept trying to open the website I was gambling on and I could not access it and each time I felt happy, relieved. I feel free, literally free. I now know I cannot access it and I just know this will now work for me. I can't even tell you the sheer relief I feel. it was this one website that was keeping me chained to gambling, because I KNOW that the blocks work, because things like gamstop works for me, so I know that when the blocks are in place I don't gamble. The problem was I could access this one website, they would not self exclude me and I could get round any block. That's why I felt tied down, like I was chained to this addiction - I knew I needed a block for that one website but I couldn't get it and they would not self exclude me no matter how many times I asked. But not anymore. finally, finally I have something that works. 

Another thing that happened yesterday, I was getting ready for an important work meeting, and so was making an effort with my appearance. I looked in the mirror and could not believe how dreadful I look. I look exhausted, the bags under my eyes, the greyness. I look literally broken. I cried! but I also know that I am working towards healing now. 

God I feel like the shackles have been removed and the sun is finally starting to come out. 

Hi Hopeful

That's fantastic. What blocks do you have in place now ? It's good to be able truly on those

Next thing to work on for me was not wanting to gamble. 

@lp5vut869c honestly mate can’t tell you how free I feel. I feel amazing and you’re right I do want to work on that feeling though goinf to give it the 30 days which I was reading is how long on average it takes most peoples dopamine levels to reset 

it’s a new version of gamban that is ina testing phase. I’ve got all the blocks already but there’s a particular challenge with iPhone that was allowing me to gamble I won’t say what on here as could impact others but essentially gamban are aware of the challenge and have finally after many many years released a new version that tackles the problem 

it has not been rolled out yet but they’re testing it and the mods on here gave me the email so I sent a quick email asking to be in the testing and they very quickly sent me the download Instructions. Got it Downloded and worked straight away 

Feel like I’ve finally got my life back and it feels good. It’s just not an option to gamble now and it’s honestly the best feeling ever. Feel like I’ve been rescued 

@n6vy1o2hpa 

that sounds amazing. I’ve use gamban before but it didn’t work for me. I don’t want to say on here, but if you know you know. Has the new version sorted the problem if you know what I mean out??

Hi Hopeful

That really helps. Next thing for me was to work on the problem not the gambling which I thought was the solution to stop me wanting to gamble ever again mate

So glad you feel free. It's amazing not having that down pull isn't it