My journey of hope

@qyjo4irupt yes please honestly email [email protected] explain you are an iPhone user and want to be part of the test and they will send you instructions. it really does work, I cannot access anything and can't do the thing you know causes the problem! they really have finally found a solution and honestly it has changed my life as the iPhone was the only device that I was still managing to access anything on!

So today I am feeling a bit different to yesterday, I am feeling really really irritable and angry. I am snapping at everything and feel like I do not want to come across another human being for the rest of the day lol. I don't know if this is part of the process, I have seen a lot of people mention irritability in those first few weeks, but wow am I feeling it today! I am in such a foul mood. but the blocks are still working wonders, and I am just trying to ride this horrible wave knowing that the sun is shining on the other side if I can get through these next few weeks they will be some of the hardest I will face. 

Hi Hopeful

I'm 56 and as I think I mentioned I gambled non stop for 44 years. I guess it was easy for me to see that after that routine wouldn't be broken any time fast so the short cuts to life of addition weren't an option. That first few weeks for me were an absolute nightmare. I don't think it was any different to coming off drugs. In GA I've met people with multiple addictions and they have all told me that gambling was the hardest to stop, all of them. So I think what you are experiencing is absolutely normal. It took me around one month to feel that my brain was rewiring and it took quite a bit of uncomfortable work on myself. That said it was so worth it. If I could bottle up how I feel now and send it over to you then you would know it's worth all the effort and pain. I love the saying which saw me through that first month

When you are going through hell, keep going.

When you get to the end of today, you might feel it's been an awful one with the way you are feeling but imagine adding gambling to that day. The worst day in recovery is better than the best day in action 

@lp5vut869c so true and as always thank you for your wise words! I really do appreciate your responses and always look forward to reading them when I see them. I have definitely started to feel a bit better this afternoon - morning's seem to be a particularly difficult time for me and that's probably because I would get up very early and spend all of the morning gambling, leaving everything else until the last second and then rushing round being late for everything because I couldn't pull myself away from the gambling. Feeling a bit lighter this afternoon but know to expect many more days of that irritability. 

I am looking forward to doing the work on myself. I don't like who I have become. I am snappy, irritable and sometimes say unkind things to people in that snappiness. I don't think I connected that version of me with the gambling but actually I never used to be this way and think I have gambled for so long that I didn't even realise how it had shaped my personality. I can't wait to start healing and becoming a better version of myself. 

I also didn't realise the physical effects it was having on my appearance, such huge bags under my eyes probably from all the stress and the dopamine hits up and down all the time. Just looked at myself hard in the mirror a few days ago and realised how tired and worn down I looked, and for the first time linked this to the gambling. I'm not saying it's just that, life is stressful too but I definitely think the gambling has been a huge part of that. I don't take time for exercise because I convince myself I don't have enough time in a day - but then would spend hours and hours gambling each day = so clearly lack of time was not the issue - the issue was  i was using all of my spare time gambling meaning everyhting else was going to the bottom of the list including things like the housework etc - then everything becomes overwhelming because it's all out of control because you're not tending to any of it due to spending so much time gambling!

Ah looking forward to a new way of living. I also feel really cross at how much gambling is still readily available and pushed. Every other advert on TV is a gambling one - it should not be allowed. I don't understand why the government are not coming down harder on this - you don't see adverts promoting smoking anymore - why are they still allowed to promote gambling literally everywhere you turn?

Hi Hopeful

Do you read minds for a job ? I could have written that exact same post a few months ago and I've just smiled all the way through it. Firstly i love the fact you are recognising that isn't just the money. You can earn the money back honestly. The time can't be got back but the way I look at it is, If I can be a better person each day then that gets back that time. If I was still gambling I would be wasting more time.

In terms of the adverts, they are trying to get you back into action. Each time you see one and don't gamble they have wasted their money ! I think, bring it on, spend all the money you want because I've got determination, a sophisticated tool box and an amazing support network so try your best but you are wasting your time not mine.

Just like you, I used to get up and gamble. If I won it was going to be a good day and If I lost it was going to be a bad day. Basically every day I was gambling that day away to be good or bad. I'm doing the 12 steps and when I started my sponsor said, so every day I want you to have a routine that you stick to. You wake up and listen to 10 minute guided meditation on YouTube. Then you pray using the serenity prayer then I want you to write 10 things you are grateful for and send them to me. This has been used for 100 years across multiple addictions. So Stuart thought, seriously. I'm not into medication, believe in god but don't pray and what have I got to be grateful for, I'm skint, no job and no car. BUT, I will give it a go . My word it works. I then go for a walk and everyday starts the right way. My mind is clear, I'm connected to myself, nature and other people. It's amazing. Takes practice and doesn't happen overnight but it's literally amazing. I met a guy last month who hadn't bet since 1989 and he has the same routine as above everyday. 

Hi everyone

just a little update, I can't tell you the importance of blocking - and the new update from gamban for iPhones has quite honestly changed my life. It's interesting as much as you do not want to gamble, your brain tells you something different, and wow did I search and search of how to remove the block on my iPhone yesterday from gamban so I could gamble. but guess what? you literally cannot do it. it saved me last night from gambling because I definitely would have woken up this morning having blown a load of money again. I honestly think it's going to change my life!! 

there are so many things I could talk about since stopped just over a week ago. I have a whole different routine now in a morning, previously I would convince myself I just didnt have enough time - I was constantly overwhelmed and constantly rushing from one job to the next. the truth is I don't think I even realised how much time I was wasting gambling - since I stoped, my mornings have been transformed. 

I wake up and the first thing I do is read. I never had the capacity for reading when I was gambling even though I have always loved reading. but I just could not focus on my book. I could not focus on the words or digest them - now I can. now I can sit for a long time reading again and really taking it in. 

After I have finished reading with a cup of tea (or two), I then do my morning workout, which is a YouTube person who does free workouts, so I get myself to do that. and seriously the difference in my mood and energy levels after that. I then take the dog out, come back and clean up whilst waiting for whatever I'm having for breakfast to cook. 

I'm more in control of my health, more in control of my life, those things that felt overwhelming are no longer feeling overwhelming because I have the time to do them, and the energy and mental headspace for them. 

amongst all this the last few days when I finish my workout I send a message to my friend as I am keeping myself a log of how I am doing, so I record a video of how good I feel after the exercise etc, and the first morning I wanted to CRY during the exercise - I think it was the realisation that I have got my life back. Literally cried whilst doing the workout. 

but also the last few mornings I have this amazing feeling of being alive again, its a euphoria I don't think I have ever felt before but wow it feels good. 

Couple of things to watch out for - if you are an iPhone user, email gamban and ask to be part of the beta testing of their new version - IT WORKS. install it on EVERY device, I found myself move to my Mac which I never thought I would do, so I've also installed gamban on here. I know the blocks work, and everyone would always tell me do the blocks do the blocks, but it was problematic for iPhone users (if you know you know), but that is no longer a barrier. 

Second thing to watch out for - I noticed I was playing my solitaire game so much more on my phone - I think I was replacing the gambling with it - it's not a paid one you don't use real money but I. noticed myself increasing the amount of 'coins' you put on each game, and it struck me this was a gambling habit, needing 'higher rewards' as the more 'coins' you put in the bigger the rewards if you win the level. So I am deleting the games on my phone too as I just feel those same feelings of messing with my dopamine levels. 

all in all feeling like a totally new person, have control back over things in my life that were important to me - went shopping yesterday and didn't even need to think about what I was spending because I had the money. I spent a good amount on a family member for their birthday - and when I reflect now I had a feeling of spending a fair bit - but would have thought nothing of spending that and more in one sitting gambling - all the ways I could have been spending my money differently. 

But as my wise mate Stuart said - don't look bad, don't look forward, just focus on today, and thats what I am doing 🙂

Hi Hopeful

Wow !!!! And I can tell you know it only gets better. It's hard to describe but once you start doing this, even the smallest things mean more and more each day.

Maybe it's time to change your name on here lol from hopeful to something else

I think you are on two weeks ?

If you go on YouTube and find the addicted recovery show, Jack from Gamban is the most recent interview and he talks a lot about the work they have done and the improvements to Apple Gamban, you might be interested and hear his passion as well as his back story.

You've sent such a long and deep share above that I don't know where to start. I resonate so much with what you have said I feel like you are my brother from another lover or sister from another mister lol.

In terms of the morning routine, for me that's so important. I'm doing the 12 steps through GA which is a game changer so far. I've mentioned before that my morning would either start with online slots or scheming to get money. Everyday I would win or lose and it would determine my mood for the whole day. Now I wake up, I meditate, I say the serenity prayer and step 3 prayer then I write my gratitude list of 10 things I am grateful for TODAY. It's a simple way to start each day and I do urge anyone to try it, everyday without fail. You've developed an amazing routine so well done and I'm so glad for the way it makes you feel. When my sponsor said wake up, meditate on guide meditation of YouTube, pray ...I thought and that's going to stop me wanting to gamble ? Ok, well it's Stuart's thinking that got me here so why would I think my thinking you get me better. So I tried it, even though it felt completely alien to me. My word it works. Not on day one but after a few times. I also notice if I'm rushing and end up doing it mid morning as it's not as good. 

With the gaming side. Well done for noticing the solitaire situation, for me, my addiction is incredibly devious trying to get me to take life short cuts like buying things in games to get me through a level so I don't. I'm not you but I like puzzle games on my phone. Not obsessive play but things like wordle which is lingo. It keeps my brain active and is a calming distraction. 

This feels like a peer support 2 way therapy session now as you remind me so much of myself in the first two weeks. Every journey is different but at the moment we are on the same road my friend, a road of discovery.

Money. It took me a long time to learn the true value of money. I think gambling took that away from me and made me into a people pleaser, that statement includes pleasing 64 operators. When I first went into recovery I wanted, like most compulsive gamblers, a quick fix, no effort, take some meds and it's all fixed. I soon realised, what I put into recovery is what I get out. I remember the first time I went to the gym, I said to the trainer , how long will it take me to lose the weight. He said, how long did it take you to put the weight on, I said 20 years, he said there's your answer. So in terms of gambling it will take me 44 years of hard work on my recovery, every day, no slips, simple routine. Practice won't make perfect with myself but I'm ok with that. 

Every day I pay service to myself through recovery and being the best version of Stuart that I can. I give service to help my family. I connect with as many people I can, just say hello as you pass someone or good morning when someone is walking their dog. Have a chat when buying a coffee with someone in the queue or serving the coffee. Connection is the opposite of addiction because addiction is isolation. It's the best hit of dopamine I can get and is very much a two way thing. I try and do a good turn for people without it being noticed and this is one way of doing this. It ensured that Stuart's ego gets left behind at the start of recovery. My ego is one of the biggest factors to my gambling along with loneliness and escapism. It had nothing to do with the money. The money enabled gambling which i thought was the problem but instead it was a bad solution that lead to more problems.

It also sounds like you have opened up and maybe been honest in your life. That relief of having people you can talk to about your feelings is immense. I've been travelling around GA rooms in my area to find a second home meeting which I have now. It's so comforting to enter a room where everyone understands you. It's a live version of this community and I thank god I found it. Last night I went for a Chinese with four people I only met two weeks ago through GA. It was like talking to people I've known all my life and I was able to enjoy myself amongst people who don't judge. 

I've got to say, it's utterly amazing where you have got to. I'm sure you know like me that there is a long way to go but just like the topic I put up about enjoying recovery, if you truly do recovery to the max then life is so good and why would you ever want to go back

Just for today, I thank my higher power that I read you post, resonated and was uplifted with the power of your share and that it reminds me of the path I'm on

Keep strong, keep hopeful, keep present, keep being honest one day at a time my friend

@lp5vut869c

Stuart need to just let you know what’s going on

So the new install of gamban actually works. Having an iPhone has been a big problem for me but the new update genuinely works. So I’ve not been able to gamble on my phone. So what did I do? I found an old iPhone. Gambled on that. Then got to desperate stage again to stop and so installed new update on that iPhone too. Now I’ve two blocked phones. The I find an old Samsung. I gamble on that. I get to desperate to stop stage again, the anxiety th dread the sickness of all the money I’ve lost AGAIN. Can’t install gamban on the Samsung as it’s too old. So instead I’m that desperate to stop I take the phone and lob it to furthest end of my loft so I have no way to reach it as I don’t have proper stairs to loft. Then I find an old laptop. So I gamble again. So then I get rid of the laptop to stop me. I’ve not either got rid of or installs gamban on every device I’ve got access to. But I’ve still just spent several hours trying to unblock one of them because I am so completely desperate to gamble. Thankfully I’ve no way to do it.

I thought about never coming on here again. I thought about how embarrassed I am to tell you this, but I’m here.

It’s so strange because clearly I have been so desperate to stop. I took those steps to block all those devices because I was so desperate to stop - so why am I so desperate to gamble again. I’m irritable again I’m out of my morning routine again.

I just felt so much better when I stopped, when I was coming on here daily, when I was working out and meditating and reading in a morning. All that’s stopped and I’m desperate to gamble again.

I’m so desperate to get myself out of the financial mess I’ve made for myself. I should count myself lucky because i have enough to live on and I’ve got a debt management plan that I can afford so I’m  safe. But I’m so desperate to gamble because I’m convinced I can win enough to clear the debt I’ve got. The reality is if I’d not gambled for the last 12 months I’ve earnt enough money in my business to have cleared all the debt. Instead I have NOTHING to show for it. Other than more debt.

Why can’t it sink in? Why can’t I just see how much better off I’d be financially if I didn’t gamble ? Why is my brain so convinced I can win enough to clear the debt despite the facts in front of me that I’d have cleared it if I’d NOT gambled.

I’m deflated mate. Totally deflated. I’m glad I’ve not found a way to gamble today. I’m glad all the blocking is working. I’m glad I’ve not a single device left in this house to gamble on.

But I want my life back. I want the debt cleared. I don’t want this sick anxiety. I don’t want this irritability. I don’t want this horrible horrible addiction to keep controlling my life. I’m so angry at myself for how much money I’ve blown. Why?! I could have changed my life, renovated my house, paid a chunk off my mortgage - instead I’ve nothing to show and huge amounts of debt. Why can’t I just stop! I feel sick and hopeless. I know it will pass, but yea it’s rough today.

I’m sorry this isn’t my usual upbeat post but I just felt like I had to be honest with someone about what’s been going on for me.

If I can’t be honest with anyone else in my life then I will be honest with all of you. I have no space to talk, this is my only sanctuary to truly be honest about my addiction. For reference I am female and have only ever used online slots. This is long and I honestly don’t expect anyone to read this, it’s just that I want to log things for myself.

I don’t even know how I got into gambling. I remember a significant moment in my life, when a partner at the time was playing online slots. I had never even seen anything like that. He’d sometimes get me to choose out of three bonus options if he won the bonus – and I think that’s honestly where this all started. We separated, and I don’t know how I came to start gambling on my own but I did. I remember a significant win in the beginning, over 12k. I was elated. I understand from the guys on here that the big win was probably significant in triggering my addiction due to the spike in dopamine. I guess since that point I’ve been chasing that same high.

In finding an old phone, I found a message in the notes I had written to myself in 2017. In that I talk about how desperate  I am to stop. I cannot believe this has been going on for that long. I suppose I have been kidding myself about how long I’ve been gambling for, but seeing how this has been taking over my life for nearly ten years now is soul destroying.

I have so many regrets. I want to list some of them.

Got myself into massive amounts of debt with payday loans. Managed to pull myself out of it and save for a house. I don’t really know why I didn’t gamble during that time but I managed not to – probably because the shame of the mortgage company seeing any gambling transaction on there and that coming to light to my partner.

Bought a house and aside from my mortgage was completely debt free. But here I am again in more debt than I ever was before owning to my income being bigger and loan companies lending me more. I can’t believe I have allowed myself to get into this massive amount of debt for a second time.

I have made a huge success of my business. I feel sick even writing this figure, but I’ve blown around 80k on gambling from profit from my business. That could have paid the debt off, paid my mortgage off, it could have renovated my house, taken my family on holidays, had a massive comfort blanket. I feel sick at the amount I have wasted.

The time it’s taken from me. Again, without taking a long hard look in the mirror you can kid yourself that this isn’t really a thing. But I can spend hours and hours gambling. That is hours and hours away from my family, hours away from working on my business, my health, decorating my home, spending time with friends, being outside, reading. There are so many other things I could have done with that time.

I’ve become an irritable person. I’m tired and exhausted all the time. I’m overwhelmed all the time. I’m still a nice person, but those characteristics are not ones I like. I never associated them with gambling before now, but I think they are related.

I’m ashamed, beyond ashamed of what I have let my life become.

I also want to share my journey with gambling support as although I have relapsed again, I have also learnt a lot from it.

I am not new here, in lots of time of desperation I’ve sought help. But never truly engaged with the community or got involved, been more of a bystander. About 1 month ago I actively became involved. I began engaging in this recovery diary, dropped into some of the chat groups and began using the online chat every day. Shout out to stuart who I feel has been my unofficial sponsor, and offers so much to this community, constantly helping and giving advice, thank you stuart from the bottom of my heart.

 During that time, by some miracle, I managed to avoid the urges over the course of about 4 days. I was elated, I had never managed that before. I started a new morning routine, began meditating, began reading again and exercising. I felt free – you can see how I was feeling in some of my earlier posts. One of the moderators even put me onto gamban a new version they have rolled out where it actually works on an iPhone the block, this had always been a huge challenge for me but finally I managed to block my phone.

But then somewhere in my subconscious I clearly thought I was fixed and I now had the willpower. So I stopped coming on here every day, and started only coming on when I had an urge.

Before I knew it I was back gambling. I found an old phone that didn’t have gamban on. Convinced myself I’d just have a few bets. Won a bit, cycle continued. Then lost everything and more again, so installed gamban on that phone too. Then found an old Samsung. Gambled on that. Won a bit, lost it all, cycle continues. Couldn’t install gamban on the Samsung as the phone is that old, so lobbed it to the furthest end of my loft so I can’t get it. Found an old laptop. Cycle continued. Got rid of the laptop. Went on family ipad (something I have NEVER done for fear of someone finding out), then asked my partner to change passcode so I couldn’t get on it (gave him excuse I want less screen time in my life). You see the pattern – I’d gamble, win a bit, reinforcing the gambling, then lose everything and more, enter desperation to stop, get rid of the device in any way possible, then the urges come again and desperation to gamble kicks in again, finding any which way to do it. I’ve now lobbed every old phone to the back of the loft and got rid of all devices.

I share this because clearly, self discipline will never be enough. I’d convince myself I could control it, I’d just gamble a bit now and again. But it never ends up that way. And here I am again, feeling sick at how much I have lost.

Things I’ve learnt;

Engage in this community in some way EVERY SINGLE DAY. Even on the days where you feel like you have got it in the bag. It’s actually more important on those days, than the days you have active urges (though that’s important to). I believe Stuart did a fantastic post recently on the foundations, and it is beyond true. I have realised that no matter how good I feel, I have to engage in something on here every day. Whether it be posting in my diary, talking to one of the live advisors, responding to some posts in the forum or jumping on the chat rooms every day. I have had the harsh realisation that I simply can’t do this on my own and I might never be able to. But that’s exactly why this exists.

Self discipline will NEVER be enough.

So here’s to day one, again. I feel sick, I’ve cried, sometimes I can’t cry because I’m so numb, I feel guilt for all the mistakes I’ve made, I feel ashamed at what I’ve wasted, I feel sad at the time lost, but I know somewhere I have to find a way to move forward and not keep living in my past mistakes. There is only one person that can get me out of this mess, and it’s me.

Although I am feeling heartbroken today at the utter shame, and I have a lot of self loathing going on right now, one positive I can take is that every time I relapse I learn something new and I have learnt what is needed to keep me gamble free.

If you can take one thing from my experience, it’s that you have to use the support EVERY DAY.

Day 1.

Hi Hopeless

I feel awful that I didn't read your topic post before this one and would have replied. I am subscribed to your diary so no idea what happened there.

Firstly, never be ashamed to come back on here. You only ever need to get recovery right, once. There is no linear route to recovery, no special pill as you know. I'm sure by now you realise that beating gambling addiction, one day at a time, is all about retraining your brain. I would so love to sit down or be on a zoom to chat with you but that's not possible yet. I would love to be a recovery coach but have to put in the abstinence first. Are you open to attending a meeting ? They help me so much. Whether it be Gamfam zooms, GA, GA online etc. That might be difficult if your partner doesn't know. There is going to be a new online meeting starting a week Thursday by Evive at 6pm. It's been launched especially to help people in the UK and all you have to do is go on your phone store and download get Evive app which is free. I used Gamcare and evive each day. 

Dealing with the past, the money and time lost isn't easy. I look at the money i now save everyday by not gambling. The time I can spend being present and noticing all the simple things in life. A walk is no longer a start point to a destination, it's about enjoying my surroundings and noticing things I would have walked past while being engaged to my phone.

12 steps recovery is really helping me. It's used across many addictions as it's all about retraining your brain away from addiction. I have absolutely no compulsion to gamble anymore. I've also not replaced that addiction with another one.

Would love to talk more 

@lp5vut869c

Hey Stuart - please don't apologise, I find this forum a bit clunky myself so often miss things, before I start, want to say a thank you as always for all your wise words on here, you're a similar age to my dad and I find comfort in your words, a lot like the wise words from my dad, and I know you talk about your children (spent some time reading your recovery diary today, wow!!), and the love you have for them is just beautiful, just like my dad, lives for his kids!

Anyway, onto the topic - It sounds like you have learnt so much about yourself on your journey. I am trying to take inspiration from how you're managing your recovery, and I know you are such an active member of this community, giving words of hope to so many of us, I don't think you even realise how much impact you have on so many of us. I think If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have come back on here at all. I literally thought of you when I was consumed with the guilt and shame, when I felt like never coming back here it's because I didn't want to disappoint you, but then I thought what would stuart say if I told him that? he would tell me to get back to it. So thank you for everything you do. 

It would be good to have some peer support mechanism. I am still so ashamed that I don't know if I could have a form of communication that would require me to verbally speak to someone, though know I would feel better after as I feel better just after vocalising my thoughts on here. the thought of verbally speaking to someone makes me feel so sick with shame, the shame is really holding me back in my recovery, I think that needs to be my next focus.

I hope you're well, reading your diary I know you have had a lot going on to, and I hope things are starting to pick up. I am a big believer in everything happens for a reason, I know you have talked in one of your recovery diary posts of you realising you have a genuine desire to help others. maybe god had a plan for you all along, no better person than you to help others with this horrible addiction, but appreciate you are on your own journey too. document every part of that journey, it is going to become so helpful for so many others, maybe you could write a book, start your own podcast or support mechanism. Lots of positive and optimistic things for you to look forward to in the future, and sounds like your professional experience would come in very handy for all of that. 

I have to say this too, because it's on my mind, and I might be way off the mark but I have a strong feeling you need to hear this, I'm sorry if I am wrong in that. but in your desire to help others, please put yourself first. you can't pour from an empty cup, and the old 'put your own oxygen mask on first'. I know you give SO much to SO many of us on here, that I wanted to just say that we need you, but for you to be well for us you have to look after you first. so never feel the pressure to respond to every post, that's a lot of pressure for one person to carry, and could be one of those back door ways you talked about resurfacing. We know you're here, we know you care, and we also know you will respond when you can, but you can't carry all of us all the time, though I know you would want to!

you are one of life's angels Stuart, you are truly making a difference to so many of our lives. thank you. 

Hi Hopeful

Always sounds weird saying that but maybe your name is hope so it works lol

I'm fine. I think because I've been in many GA rooms in a short period of time and shared every time virtually, been on zooms and replied to posts on here and evive, I've learned that, resonating is my own form of recovery. I learnt every day from people's posts and wish more would speak out but it's a personal choice. I doubt if there is anyone on here could say something I've not done. By replying, it reaffirms my own conviction to drive forward and become a better person. I never understood estimated my 44 years of addiction and that I wouldn't be able to just switch the light off. I'm a strong believer now that what you put into recovery you get back ten fold. I do a lot of work on myself behind the scenes as well. 

I've not had a job for some time as per my diary but am always on the look out. I 100% agree that now I have reconnected with God, I do find the happiest time of my day is talking and helping people.

I was very much in your position, full of shame and fear. GA, Gamfam and Evive online zooms bought me out of my fear zone. The first two weeks I sat back and listened, so I only introduced myself, then I started sharing. That said, you can only go to a meeting when you are ready.

Through GA I am on step 4 of the 12 steps. It's a life changer for me 

@lp5vut869c totally agree with you, this latest relapse has really opened my eyes to how being active on here not only helps others but also helps you too.

I naively thought I'd nailed it after a few days, and stopped coming on here, turns out that coming on here on days I feel strong is more important than the days I feel weak, though that is important too. I particularly liked your recent post about foundations, that resonated with me a lot when I realised that I was gamble free for 4 days when I was coming on here every day, even when I didn't think I needed to. as soon as I stopped doing that, the problems came back quickly.

It's a shame we can't have a little 'nudge' button on here, for people who have gone a bit quiet, I could have done with that reminder. though I guess the relapse was the best lesson I could have learnt about how important this space is for recovery, and how important it is every single day. 

You'll be seeing a lot more of me on here, I'll aim to post on my recovery diary at least once a day, and try and respond to others too just like you do. 

I've had a sad day, had the house to myself so did a lot of crying, but feeling a bit more optimistic now. I've come through this once and I can do it again. But I know I have to keep accessing support, and that is definitely something I didn't realise the importance of when I first stopped around a month ago. 

I know it's easier said than done, but self pity isn't good for anyone. I spend a lot of time during the week on my own. I often find myself wallowing in self pity and have to get up and do something. It serves me no good at all. When I do my 12 step inventory at the end of the day which is a reflection on how each day has gone, I worry about the question about being "in self". For me there is a big difference between having some quiet time to myself and those character defects creeping back in from my addiction

Self pity

Self centred

Intolerance

Impatience

Dishonesty

Selfishness

Greed

Sloth

Lust

Inconsideration 

Jealousy

Arrogance

One just leads to another and another. Don't get me wrong, I'm certainly not perfect but if I let any of the above take over then I'm wanting to gamble again. If I keep them at bay then I am kind and loving to all so I won't want to gamble 

DAY 2

I have committed to coming on here and expressing my thoughts daily as I have realised that even though I sometimes think I don’t need it, it’s the act of doing this every day that actually keeps me focused on my goals, and committed to this new life. 

Last night I was literally dreaming about online slots. I was dreaming about landing on the bonuses, it was like my brain was spinning - which is often how I felt after spending hours and hours on the slots. 

Today is a hard day because there is one site that does cashback on Mondays and I know it would be a significant amount. Before getting rid of all my old devices I genuinely had the thought process of just wait until after monday after the cashback has come as you might win a lot. But i realised that even if i did win, it would soon be swallowed up again back into the slots because i am not able to stop. 

I was VERY irritable yesterday. Went for a walk with the dogs and I was just completely vacant, almost numb, with my mind still on all the time and money lost over the years. I know that vacant feeling will pass over time as my brain resets, but I definitely felt it hard yesterday. 

I always find it funny how we keep going back to it even though it never feels good afterwards. I suppose that's where there is a similarity with all addictions, and I have a new found admiration for those in recovery who have physical withdrawals from substances etc. I also understand now why rehab only works in the moment, but when people go back to their old lives they soon end up back in the old patterns, you really do have to cut connection to everything related to this. 

I have a busy day today so not feeling worried about maintaining my progress today. I think i have also finally exhausted all avenues to gamble - when i stopped about a month ago, i still had a lot of old devices under my bed, that i probably knew in the back of my mind i could use if i REALLY wanted to - and i did. But they’ve all gone now, and i physically don’t have any way to gamble. 

It’s funny isn’t it how free you feel when you take away the ability to gamble and suddenly know you are ‘safe’? Again i think back to the work i’ve done over the years with those with substance addictions - and how people feel relieved when a family member steps in and forces them to stop - they are so desperate for someone to save them, even though they fight against it, I understand that now, because i feel that same ‘free’ feeling now that i can’t gamble and even if i had an urge now, and fought with someone who was trying to stop me, once the urge had passed i would be so grateful to that person.

So yea definitely realising how the 12 steps are often used across lots of forms of addiction as it’s the same concepts just in a different form. I think i will check it out as not really properly looked into it before.