My journey of hope

DAY 12

The last few days I have managed to be able to join the online chat. I am a big believer in prevention over cure, and i knew these few days were going to be difficult for me due to having lots of time alone. I have been quiet anxious and sad, not necessarily even about gambling but just lots of emotions coming and going and a bit overwhelmed. 

It was so lovely seeing how much support people offer in the chat. The community is so great. Even though i am only on day 12 myself, being able to give advice to people earlier in their journey than me really helped reinforce to myself why i stopped, and it helps keeps those thoughts strong of not wanting to go back there.

Feeling more positive today, less all consumed. Still exhausted but i don’t know i feel like maybe there has been another shift in my recovery and i am hoping it will start getting a little easier from here. 

Being able to talk about how hard it has been so far has actually made me really proud of how i have overcome it so far. I think previously i would just always get so mad with myself, why can’t i just stop when i know the damage it’s doing etc, used to think i had no self discipline, used to really be down and hard on myself about why i couldn’t ‘just stop’ but i have come to realise i was not the problem, and this is an addiction, meaning it is very very hard to overcome, and you will probably need help along the way just like any other addiction.

Its funny as today is pay day for me, normally that would fill me with excitement about having the money to gamble. By tomorrow i would already be counting pennies for the rest of the month. Sitting here now i can’t believe i would put myself in that position literally on pay day every month. It then made me feel like i never had any money and always struggled, and made me live in a place of ‘lacking’ even though the reality was it was the gambling that caused it and not my income/bills. 

I am actually excited this month to make it through the month in my budget, i am interested to see how easy/hard i find it - but judging by how little i have realised i spend day to day i think it will be pretty easy. I had definitely convinced myself that the reason i never had any money was because of the bills with a bit of gambling mixed in - but actually that was totally wrong, it was the sheer amount i was spending on gambling. 

I definitely have started to feel that the value of money is coming back to me. Like yesterday i was going to buy something for lunch, but i had plenty of food at home that was otherwise going to be wasted - sure i had the money to buy the sandwich, but i just chose not to. Previously i would not have batted an eyelid at £5 on lunch when you compared that to the hundreds i was blowing on gambling - so yea my sense of the value of money has really started coming back which i am really pleased about. 

Feeling in abundance today, feeling grateful. 

Hi Hopeful

Another great post. Two weeks on Saturday and another milestone.

I spent years working for the bookmakers and giving it to them. Isn't it great to get paid and have it for yourself. Also recognising it as a major trigger.

I think with recovery, it never stops. The happiest people I know are still turning up to meetings and on here years after stopping. Addiction never goes away and just wants an opportunity to strike. 

I think there is a way of looking at the recovery journey, for me it does get easier not to gamble but it also gets better everyday. Working to get my old self back and the one that has grown in the background of my addiction is liberating.

Why not post a gratitude list on here. See if you can think of 10 things you are grateful for today. It's very grounding 

DAY 13

Wow can’t believe it has been nearly two weeks. Got through a difficult period last few days when i was home alone, but proud to say i have stayed on my recovery path, in large thanks to all of you and dropping in and out of the chat. 

Another hurdle overcome yesterday, my first payday since i have stopped gambling. Normally i would have been so excited for payday as i would always convince myself i would just gamble £100 or so, win some and then stop. Obviously it never works like this and i would blink and be £400, £500, £600 in. then i would be literally on payday counting pennys for the rest of the month, anxious as hell. Initially i had a lot of savings so used to convince myself oh its fine i will just take some money out my savings - but of course they soon went too. So then i got down to literally just my wages, and each month would be utter hell for me, every time someone mentioned doing something i’d be counting pennys in my head, i’d go for lunch with my family and not even buy my mum a cuppa because i was counting pennys. 

This was always hard for me because i am a big believer in energy, the law of attraction, manifestation etc. it means a lot to me and has helped me a lot over the years - so i know that for me, it’s not good for my mindset to be constantly living in that state of anxiety about money and does not do me any favours at all. 

I have to be honest as that it was this diary is for - i spent about 15 minute last night looking online at how i can gamble again. I was in bed, went to sleep after and woke up feeling stronger today but it still scares me that those thoughts come like that and i can’t control them - sometimes i think it’s pure luck that i didn’t find a way to gamble because if i had, the will power would not have been enough still and i would have gambled, even though as i sit here this morning i know that i desperately don’t want to. So why? Why do i keep having those thoughts despite knowing the harm it does, despite being in a financial mess, despite knowing you will NEVER come out on top. 

Those thoughts really scare me. I am really scared of not being able to keep up my recovery, of somehow finding a way to gamble. I don’t know when that part starts to get easier- they’re not as strong and they don’t last as long, but they are still pretty hard to manage. 

I have a very few busy days at work now so i will have no time to even consider gambling, so i think that will help me get through the next few days. 

On to another day, two weeks tomorrow and my first milestone, the next one will be a month. But as someone very wise on here once said to me ‘just for today!’. 

Hi Elsa

This is an amazing post and you should be oh so proud of what you have described. You are recognising triggers and danger zones. Ok, thoughts don't count but actions do and you did some searches but you didn't go ahead. Give yourself a bit of a break my friend. Tomorrow is two weeks and that's amazing but how long did you gamble for and it became an escape ? It's going to take time and the first month is the hardest. If you can work more on the fact that gambling was your solution and not the problem. Understanding why you gambled will help so much and then work on that mentally. There are reasons all of us tried to escape and it manifested in gambling and grew the addiction. Remove those fears or character defects well at least be able to control them and you won't want or need to gamble. You are obviously a mindfulness person so you can definitely do this. I wanted to fix all my problems in one day. 44 years gambling and then just switch the light off and sort my life in 24 hours. Simply wasn't going to happen for me and I needed to retrain my brain back to being my true self. Today I'm a compuslvie gambler but I don't gamble. Today I am not longer a compulsive liar and manipulator. Today I am a good person and I'm proud of that 

@lp5vut869c thank you Stuart as always! you have been an amazing friend to me on this journey

DAY 14

This feels like  my first milestone, reaching two weeks without gambling. I don’t know if i ever thought i would make it this far. It always used to shock me that when i was gamblng i used to say to myself just don’t gamble this month and see how much money you have left over. And i could never make it through the week nevermind the month, and it always shocked me how i was not able to stop for even 1 month. 

Few more fleeting thoughts came and went yesterday. Not as strong as previously, i was able to make more of a conscious choice rather than feeling like i had no choice which is how i normally feel with this addiction. 

Normally i feel like it controls me, i don’t really have much choice and when the urges hit i am likely to gamble because of the lack of control/choice i have - however, this time i was able to make more of a conscious choice and i just kept repeating to myself that i don’t WANT to gamble. 

I also kept allowing my mind to be flooded with the posts on here, the advice i have received, and other peoples success stories, as well as people who haven’t stopped yet or who have relapsed, and how terrible they feel. I kept reminding myself that ultimately you will never win, because even when you do win, it all goes straight back to gambling in the end. 

There is also now a part of me that i know i am 2 weeks in, and if it takes about 4-6 weeks for the average persons dopamine levels to reset, then i don’t want to lose my healing progress. So the thought of gambling I remind myself will take me back to day 1 of my brain not healing.

I have to also remember those intense feelings that first week, the irritability, the stress, the emotions up and down up and down, it was intense, and i don’t want to have to experience that again. It is still hard, but it feels nothing like that first week did. 

Weirdly after doing some work on my money mindset the last week, i am actually excited at the prospect of tackling my debt, almost like it is a bit of a challenge. So actually on that note, here are the figures i am going to clear, and i hope one day this brings hope to someone elses journey knowing that i started here and one day soon this will be gone! 

I am excited about this challenge which is a really WIERD way to feel about so much debt lol! But if you have read any of my journals you will know i am big on manifestation and the law of attraction, that means that i am really in line with my energy, and feeling bad and down about my debt was not serving me and was hindering my progress, so after doing the work this week, there has been a shift, and i am now excited about the challenge before me! 

I have even included mortgage, emergency fund and student loan which i would not normally consider a debt as such but since i am doing some manifestation its getting included because WILD things happen when i am in this positive state!

Watch this space, because for the first time in a long time, I have total utter faith in my ability to conquer this 🙂

Mortgage: £96,568.55

Student Finance: £812.80

Emergency fund (want to get this to £5000)

Total remaining across loans/credit cards: £84,902.78 

Total Debt (including mortgage, student loan and emergency fund) - £187,284.13

Paid so far: £7528

Busy weekend again, i definitely need some down time. Hoping that will come soon. 

Well done Elsa

That's all out in the open so you have more accountability. There is no point hiding debt debt because it won't go away. Debt is a major fear in recovery and one that addiction can feed off. Once I accepted there was no short cut and set up payment plans, talked to them all and explained, it was a weight and don't need to carry with me. It's a bit like waking up with a meeting at 5pm. I can prepare but I don't need to worry about it 

Day 15

As the number starts getting slightly bigger each day it amazes me that i have even come this far. I have definitely started to noticed a shift in my appreciation of little things, it’s a subtle shift but there has been a few times over the last week where i have just found myself noticing something; the sound of the birds, the sun shining down. 

I don’t think i realised how much of a fog i was living in. i just thought thats who i was, that my mood was generally low or ‘flat’ because of lots of stresses in my life that i have experienced over the last few years.

I don’t think i ever knew how much gambling affected you as a person, but when you have been doing it for so long, its clear to me now that it had impacted how i showed up each day; i was more irritable, less tolerant, less in control of my moods. 

I know i still have a long way to go, but i am definitely feeling more in control of my emotions. It doesn’t mean they don’t come still, but i just feel more in control. I have 100% noticed my levels of irritability have reduced quite significantly. I still get irritable, i’m a human being, but it’s not as intense, not as frequent, and i can handle it better. 

Even though i am only 2 weeks in, when i look back at those first 7 days, i remember how hard they were. My mood was literally all over the place. The first night i was dreaming of machines spinning. When i went out for a walk i felt nothing, just flat, vacant, not present even if i went with a friend/family member. I’d be listening to them, but not really listening. My irritability levels were something else, i would be so so so angry in a morning when i woke up and the house was a mess. INTENSE anger and irritability. And SO tired all the time. 

That part has definitely passed now. I am not as vacant, i am much more present and wow it feels good. Still some irritability but not on the same levels i was experiencing it before. The tiredness however is very much still present!

I did say in my last post how much of a believer I am in manifestation, the law of attraction and a greater power than us, it really helps me with my mood and take on life,  and I am working on my money mindset, becoming excited about tackling debt.

So DAY 1 of tackling the debt, maybe I will come up with a better name for this challenge, but day 1 - completely out of the blue, someone ordered everything in my Etsy shop, a platform I don't really use. Total £175 that will be going straight on the debt when it's paid out! THAT is the power of my thinking!! 

Overall feeling really good today, feeling really thankful, and yea, just happy.

Hi Elsa

That awakening is amazing isn't it ? Can't say I had it that early and it was more when I started the 12 steps. Doing my gratitude list after meditation each morning changed within days. Learning to appreciate life and facing it, not escaping to the fog. I've still had dips but doing my inventory at the end of the day gives me a chance to reflect over my actions of that day and try and improve. States of self pity, impatience, intolerance are no good for me or anyone else. Life can't be Rosie all the time but I can use that to appreciate more, when it is.

15 days is so real and well done. I know I've mentioned it before but there is a really good zoom on Thursdays at 6pm through the Evive app. Meetings make such a big difference in recovery and offer huge support. The opportunity to share feelings and troubles, to get them out and resonate with others. I don't know where I would be without them

That's brilliant to take that sale and pay it straight to debt. I know it looks like a mountain but always remember that it will keep coming down now