My journey of hope

feeling stronger already - spent an hour doing some self discovery - did some reading, and uploaded a new reflection into the book club I have started. responded to a few peoples entries on here, and did some reading of other peoples diaries and posts.  all of that has really helped me stay strong and I feel so much stronger than I did when I first woke up, today is feeling so much better, I am so so grateful I worked through that urge and did not give in to it, and I am going to plan to go for a long walk with the dogs and my partner today

Hi Hopeful

Reading your posts I'm sure you are at the point that you have enough tools to get through this first month. I'm not telling you what to do but you have a road to recovery in front of you. What you now need to do is stick as close to the middle of that road that you can. If you can start to build up the routine that's got you through the last week then there is no room or need to gamble. Sticking with connection and accountability has certainly helped me. My road isn't straight, it has curves all over it but I trust in the knowledge that if I stick to the centre of the road then there are no potholes and no cambers. 

@lp5vut869c thanks mate really testing me today. I’ve done a few hours work then went on a long walk down the woods with my partner and dogs. It felt so nice being there and listening to the birds I honestly felt the most peace I have felt in such a long time 

still finding today hard since I got home but not given in to any urges. It’s been a really hard day so I’ve been on here for quite a lot of the day just reading posts etc. 

I think I’m going to have a nap and then try and tackle a financial spreadsheet to see where I am at. I want to admit to how bad it is but also commit to the journey of recovering emotionally physically and financially and I hope in years to come my journey can inspire others by how much debt I’m going to clear. 

today has been hard I can’t deny that and the blocks have honestly saved me as I would have gambled today. I wonder when the time will come where I’m strong enough without the blocks. I guess everyone’s journey looks different, but it does scare me that it’s the blocks that have prevented me gambling these last couple days. I know that’s what they are there for but equally I don’t want to only be reliant on them 

anyway I’m going to have a nap do some work then off to visit family. 

I have not gambled today, and I am focusing just on today and making sure I get through it. The intensity has ramped up today and it feels like one of the hardest challenges I’ve faced but I’m using the forum to get me through. Peooole will be fed up of hearing from me today lol 

Not at all and that's what the space is for. Everyone wants to support each other and your posts are real. No point in P***y footing around it and adhering to the normal people who walk this earth and say just stop..

It's about coping, getting through, unfortunately with gritted teeth but tomorrow will be a bit easier. What happens is that each of us retrains the brain to a natural level of dopamine. Being happy can be a state of mindset. Self pity serves no one, not least of all ourselves. Good thoughts and actions put the addiction to sleep. 

Have you read just for today from GA ? It's in the orange booked and you can read it online. I read it every day and try to practice it

@lp5vut869c I hadn’t but just had a read now and I really like it 

I’m struggling so much today I could cry. I don’t know why my brain is so convinced that if I gamble I can recoup the losses when I have years of evidence to prove otherwise.

today is so so so so hard. I would be interested in researching the kind of predictable patterns people go through during the first month of recovery and what’s going on for me at day 7 as I bet there’s some research someone has done around it ! 

This is normal. I think the general research for gambling harm is 4 to 6 weeks for the brain to rewire or retrain. I do think it depends on circumstances though. My first two weeks were an utter nightmare. Slept all the time, at the drop of a hat. Was completely depressed. Anxious. Didn't know what to do with myself. I talked to the advisors on here 2 or 3 times per day which was amazing, just on text and joined some GA meetings online to get my thoughts out. 

How old are you Hopeful if you don't mind me asking ? And how long did you gamble for plus was it every day ?

DAY 8

May seem a small number but this is significant to me. I have never gone over a week without gambling since 2017.

I didn’t even realise how long it had been until I found an old note I wrote to myself begging myself to stop in 2017.

Yesterday was without a doubt the hardest day I’ve faced yet. I was desperate to gamble. I am not scared to admit that if I did not have blocks in place and had not got rid of any old devices and changed all the passwords on the family devices so i don’t know them,  I would have gambled yesterday. My brain was convincing myself if I could just gamble a little I could recoup some of my losses and then I’d stop. We all know that never happens but somehow my brain convinces me it will.

But I didn’t gamble. By some miracle I managed to get through it. I don’t know how. I kept myself busy, I suggested a walk in the woods with my partner which we both enjoyed. I noticed the sounds of the birds and genuinely felt at peace.

I then rested for a few hours I couldn’t sleep I couldn’t switch off, it really was awful and so difficult battling all the thoughts in my head. I posted on here more and spent a lot of time reading others posts. I spent time with my family in the evening and at one point I found myself laughing uncontrollably at something, it wasn’t even funny but I think the joy of just being present probably caught me.

Today I’ve woken up to more sales in my business and they remain sat there in my account with none of it wasted on gambling. It’s funny how little money I spend day to day, there’s something alien to me to have money sat in my bank untouched - normally I gamble so much away that I’m constantly living in anxiety of how little I have left until payday. I probably convinced myself that was because of bills and stuff but having stopped gambling it shows me that I barely spend anything in a week, and that proves how much I’ll be able to save

I did some work on my money mindset yesterday. I did some work on how I view my debt, how it’s just there and I don’t have to feel a certain way about it - that I’ve a plan with step change that’s affordable to me and each month my debt comes down - it might not be the amount I want and it might not clear as quickly as I want but ultimately I’m paying towards it every month comfortably and I am blessed to be in that position. I don’t want to feel all these negative feelings towards it and if you follow my book club post you’ll see why I’m being more intentional about my thoughts!

The suns shining and I’m sat outside drinking tea whilst writing this entry. I feel like I weathered a big storm yesterday. I feel proud of getting this far.

Wow what a post. You have also posted 44 times in 8 days. That's 44 posts to help yourself with a therapy and 44 posts that will resonate and help others. Keep posting, for me, it's what this community is all about, turning up each day and taking part 

I'm hoping hopeful that you will change your username lol. I know this is one day at a time but you are doing so well. You have established the concept that it's not just a financial pastime or hobby. The blocks are the foundation but gambling isn't the problem it's the solution. You are working on your mind to reduce and remove the problem. In the 12 steps it only mentions gambling once in one of the steps. It's used across multiple addiction fellowships which shows it's not about gambling. 

Just one bit of advice about the debt. I can't remember who told me but I thought, when I have money I would pay one of the smaller ones off. Ideally it's better to pay more money across all of them or at least pay the highest interest one off, obviously. If you have frozen interest on them then it's best to pay equal amounts across all of them or it's frowned upon by the banks. They will regularly ask for an update and go through the amount owing on each. 

Keep going and staging strong. You beat yesterday so you know you can do it

By the way, I wrote two posts on here which really helped me. One is called Dear Bookmakers which is saying goodbye to my addiction and then as facilitators and the other is called My Story which is my life story. It was so good to get both of them out in the recovery diaries section 

Would love to read your versions if you feel comfortable 

@lp5vut869c thanks mate - sorry missed your earlier post I’m 33 and was playing online slots - every single day for hours and hours at a time. Consumed my whole life 

having a much better day today than yesterday. I feel free. I feel less stressed. I’m still feeling quite chaotic and can’t see to find the motivation to do some cleaning and organising in the house so I feel a bit scatty and not on top of things but I feel much more content and calm. I’ve just got a block on getting the house organised for some reason but I think that’s the undiagnosed adhd brain! 

Yesterday was really rough but honestly the difference in me today I feel so so so much happier, I’m so glad I was not able to give in to any of the urges. I do feel like yday was a big turning point, I don’t know why but I have a feeling I peaked in terms of initial stages of recovery yday, I am not complacent by any means but I just feel like I peaked yday and things are going to not get easy, but not be as hard as yday was. 
it’s really really interesting the connection I’m able to make with physical addictions to other substances. Like yday I honestly was like writhing around in bed desperate not to give in desperate to sleep but couldn’t sleep and just really awful I can see so many connections with a physical addiction I know it’s not the same but it just made me think about it 

addiction is addiction I guess! 
but on a positive feeling good today and had 4 sales in my business which I’m just over the moon about going from strength to strength and it all sitting there in my bank account 

really proud of myself. I feel strong today 

Really well done hopeful. As much as recovery is like a rollercoaster (comes from talking to a lot of people) it's good to have the memories of getting through some hard days and knowing you can do it. I can only talk from my experience but I wouldn't say I have days where I want to bet but I do have days where something is just off. It's ok to be just ok or slightly off and I feel, as long as I dont let that lead me to self pity then I'm going to be alright. 

Glad the business is going well. Can you hide the money away for a rainy day ?

DAY 9 

Tomorrow will be double figures!

Did anyone else struggle with tiredness during the first few weeks? I have been so tired and really lacking in motivation to get anything done around the house. I don’t know if this is related to my recovery or if its just the adhd part of my brain which does have a habit of showing up every few weeks and causing me to not be able to get anything done. 

Feels cold outside but can see the sun shining so looks like another nice day today. Went for a walk yesterday evening and saw all the baby ducks, i really do love this time of year when new life is just growing everywhere. 

I’ve got a busy week this week. I was thinking about how the easiest days i have had so far in my journey have been days where i have been really busy or had plans all day - the times which i am at most risk of big chunks of time where i have nothing planned and have that time to myself. Previously i would be excited about big blocks of time to myself like that because it would mean i could gamble uninterrupted. 

So i think i might start planning my week out so i can avoid those bigger blocks of time as i feel like they might be the time i am more at risk. 

It’s interesting as i am starting to definitely understand myself more and the habits that i had but i couldn’t see them at all when i was in it. People used to talk about triggers and things like that but i never resonated with it as i didn’t think i had any, but i am starting to see a few patterns which is nice as i think understanding myself more and my habits can help me to put things in place to support my recovery. I definitely think that one of the key reasons i was gambling was because my day to day life is very overwhelming and i am sure now that i was trying to escape the stress of always being busy and always having pressures and things to do. It was a way of me convincing myself that i was relaxing, getting lost in it and then not having to think about all the daily pressures - the irony being as i have said a few times that through gambling it increased the stress and pressures massively because it significantly reduced the time i had day to day to get my tasks done since i was spending so much time gambling. 

Still not yet managed to get back into exercising in a morning. But i really am just trying to be kind to myself. I have just honestly felt so exhausted, i’ve been sleeping a lot more than usual - well not even necessarily sleeping more than usual but just feeling really tired and no motivation. I’m up now but could go back to bed, and i went to bed at 8:30 ish.

The next step i want to achieve is to get back into some better habits. Not going on my phone in bed, exercising in a morning etc. i think i just wanted to get through the first week in whatever way i needed to before starting to tackle my routines. I think its time to start doing that now. 

I will keep using the forum and my diary multiple times a day at the moment, it really just helps me to get all my thoughts out on paper, it’s the only place i can be truly open and honest so it just really helps me. 

Have a great day all.

DAY 10

I was excited to reach double figures, somehow it feels like so much longer when it  becomes double figures. Good day yesterday though very very busy, still having fleeting thoughts of gambling but not given in to them. 

I am worried about the next few days as i am going to be home alone. So previously i would be so looking forward to those few days alone because it would mean i could gamble unreservedly for days at a time, with no risk of anyone walking in the room, or finding me up at 1am in the morning still gambling. So i would get excited to have a few days to myself and would literally plan ‘a nice night’ where i will have my food, put some tv on and spend the night gambling on my phone. 

It’s sad when i think about it. But i definitely had those thoughts pop up yesterday - they were not intense and passed much more quickly, so i do think a few days ago when i said i hit a turning point i think that might be accurate (though i am never going to get complacent), because whilst the thoughts came yesterday, they honestly were nowhere near as intense, and they passed quickly - but that could also be because i was so busy. 

Either way, another trigger identified - me having extended periods alone at home. I feel strong at the moment so am fairly confident i am going to manage it but i do just need to make sure i am using the support over these next few days - i am a big believer in prevention not cure - if i have identified a trigger, i will be increasing my support around this time. 

I think of it in two ways, hard to describe without showing a diagram, but imagine a small circle on a piece of paper, then imagine drawing a bigger circle around that smaller one. The bigger the second circle is, the smaller the first circle looks in comparison. The first and smaller circle still exists, it doesn’t disappear, but it definitely gets smaller the bigger you draw the second circle.  - The small circle represents gambling/addiction, the bigger circle represents your support network, resources, things in place to stop gambling. The bigger you build that second circle, the easier it gets to manage the gambling. As i said it does not mean the addiction disappears, its always there, but you build your second circle bigger and bigger over time so that the smaller circle has much less impact. 

You can even draw this out on paper, and you can write ‘addiction’ inside the small circle, and then inside the bigger circle that surrounds it, all the things that are inside your network/mechanisms to stop gambling. This also works for trauma/anything outside of our control in life. 

Anyway in writing all this i forgot to mention the most significant thing i did yesterday. After writing my diary entry guess what i did? I only went and did my morning exercise didnt i!!! And wow did i feel better for it. 

If you have been following my journey you will know that i have been desperately trying to get back into my morning exercise routine, but there has been some sort of block in my brain just not letting me. I have not forced it as i wanted to be kind to myself in these first few weeks of stopping gambling and not overwhelm myself with too much - but yesterday i managed to get it done so feeling really proud of myself. 

I definitely feel more free, i can’t quite believe how little money i spend day to day - i don’t know if i am even explaining this well but because i was always gambling massive amounts of money, i think in order for me to survive owning up to how much money i was blowing, i somehow convinced myself it was not all gambling and it was also bills and day to day spend mixed in with a bit of gambling. Now that i have stopped gambling, it’s made me see how little i actually spend day to day - so it feels really good to just have that money in my bank. 

Like yesterday - had a few bills come through the door for things i had forgotten to renew - its a few days before pay day so previously that would have sent me into a crazy anxiety spike - but this time, no feeling at all because i have the money to just pay them. Still getting used to this feeling, but wow does it feel better than having nothing left and scrimping to get through to pay day because i have blown all my money on gambling. 

This recovery diary/forum overall is probably the single bit of support that has made the biggest difference to my journey. It just gives me a space to be totally honest and transparent around people who just get it. So thank you for everyones contributions to the forum every day, i read so many of your posts and it really does help!

Fantastic post hopefully, talking through self discovery. Ive not had any urges yet but I did have thoughts. The first time I said to myself you can't as you have blocks in place. After that it became you can't, you don't want to and you don't do that anymore. 

I do feel cured now once and for all. I'm no longer a compuslvie liar, no longer a compulsive liar but still and always will be a compulsive gambler

Day 11

Did anyone else feel unbelievably tired those first few weeks? I’m absolutely exhausted. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so tired in my life.

Yesterday was ok but last night was definitely challenging. First night having the house to myself and was feeling very rocky. Used the chat thank you to everyone who sent words of encouragement.

Kept reminding myself how far I’ve come and how I don’t WANT to gamble. And I CANT because I have no way to do it. I still find my brain trying to come up with ways round it and it just shows that you have to do much more work than just put blocks in place. You also have to at some point start working on your mindset around this.

I knew it was going to be hard, and will likely be the same tonight but it definitely helped having things in place that cause a delay between me and being able to gamble.

Got some late work calls today so I think that will help.

Feeling exhausted. Totally exhausted. We have plans at the weekend and I honestly cannot bare the thought. I just need no additional pressure right now. But feel I have no choice but to go as it’s important event.

I’m really proud I’ve got this far. This is huge for me. I just can’t wait until it starts getting a little less all consuming. Feels like that will never end at the moment.

Hi Hopeful

You sound like you are hitting life at 100mph. Please be kind to yourself.

Sleep, o*g. First few weeks, depression, withdrawal symptoms, felt like losing a girlfriend, worse than that the girlfriend was Vesper in James Bond. 

I still haven't recovered on the sleep and tiredness side and I think that's normal

 In all my counselling it's one of the questions so is obviously a big thing in recovery