My recovery diary (JENILEE)

I've also set up separate counseling sessions to deal with how to best deal with problems in my relationship this counseling sessions will just be for me not for both me and him but they also help me to deal when we are arguing or there is a problem and how to respond to get the response I want instead of feeding into the pattern of arguing or something. Happy report things are better with him as of right now he was much willing to get along And was very nice and sweet and his phone call to me last night. Which is good. We've had a rough time with some bickering lately with a lot of stresses. But I still will be doing the counseling on the relationship thing even though things are better at the moment.

I am feeling a bit better this afternoon which is funny because I had a crazy and stressful day at work and some stresses at work. But about gambling my relationship I'm feeling better. Maybe because I took the steps to start getting help. Not that everything is perfect but I did take steps and I feel calm her more in control. Like an idiot I took a couple payday loans during my recent get gambling benches that I actually have $200 left in tonight I don't even feel the urge to go gamble which is surprising so maybe the crazy chasing of late will be stopped. My honey and I had a good conversation last night I'm hoping tonight I'll be good too we both expressed it a day or a desire to quit the stupid bickering lately and to get back to working things out together like we did back when we had counseling six months ago. And practice the skills we learned in counseling. Feeling a little bit of hopefulness tonight

Hi Jen,

Good to see you in high spirits! Keep up good work and keep abstaining and maintaining!

Sandra

Thanks for the words of encouragement Sandra everybody's comments on here when I post, whether my posting is good news or bad, is this important support and it means a lot to me! I always appreciate it every time.

Well due to work I had to miss one of my gambling counseling appointment sounds like an excuse but at my job I won't going to long detail if certain things, bye boss expects me to do them and personal things to come last but I've rescheduled it for tomorrow. I did do a counseling session with the lady about my relationship but I'm feeling hopeful that maybe she can teach me some new skills and help me work my way through my relationship issues. My honey is actually on his way home tonight will be home by tomorrow for a week visit again that will help and we are having times and we are getting along well and he has times when he is trying and I have times when I am trying , So I feel hopeful we will work it out and continue onto a lovely marriage I think we just all need to learn ways to communicate better and continue to grow our skills that we learned when we did counseling a few months ago. I have gambled onwants,which is not great but there are a few other days I resisted the urge to gamble. The day I get to Danville I only had a small amount of money on me compared my available money probably still more than I should've spent as any money spent gambling is too much LOL but because I had put that lock on my debit card once I got to casino and spend the money on me I was not able to access any of my other money and the casino was fired off way from my house that that deterrent worked.

Sorry my talk to text doesn't work that well I meant to say I canceled once I spent a small amount of money but wants that money was gone I couldn't get more out because I put that black on my debit card so that worked to help limit the damage

Been having gambling Binges, spending every last dime,way off track now. Just Spent today a ton of money set aside for something else not going to tell my significant other but will take my whole paycheck on Friday to pay it back ; hope hedoesn't find out in the 3 to 4 days in between. Goal is to quit now. See that I cannot gamble normally. Feelings of desperation despair and self-loathing. Scared significant other will find out about the money I spent before Friday. The things we were saving up for do not need to be paid before Friday so as long as I replenish it Friday should be fine. Why why why? Why did I do it? Don't have any answers. Hate myself. If I wasn't such a coward would kill myself. Don't worry I'm too cowardly to do it. And I know it's not the answer. But I really hate myself right now. Somebody please help or get some words of encouragement. I know I don't deserve encouragement I've been a fool. But I feel desperate scared and alone.

Hi Jenilee... you've been really silly. You know you can't win. You've got to get to Friday and tidy up the mess then you need to hand over some financial control as you cant be trusted. You have a problem you can't control... you're not a bad person but you definitely need help. I really wish you well and don't be too hard on yourself. You can't do this alone. Stop the lies as it's too much stress. It's just not worth the lack of money and the stress of covering up. I've been there many times so I know how hard it is.

Thanks for your response I agree with everything in it. And I don't feel so alone , with your response. I cannot hand over my finances no one will handle them for me ; my fiancГ© lives in another state and I have no one else. I am going to have to go to where I carry no cash, as I've already done so debit card blocks for casino.

Ok so solution 1 of handing over cash can't be done. You need to then reduce the withdrawal limit on your card to say £50. You can function with £50 but you also can't create an absolute gambling disaster. The next thing is that you absolutely have to commit to quitting. You can't play around with this anymore and every couple of months when you lose feel bad for a while and then start another cycle. It's some hard love you have to stop gambling and start living. It starts to get boring after re repeating the cycle over and over... you know what happens so quit it and find a new story.

I agree ; I'm going to try to wrap my mind around quitting for good; I'm so tired of the despair after the chasing and chasing. What helps u with quitting?

Still despairing today, feeling VERY down.

Hi Jenilee... what helps me is I want a better life for my family and myself. I want a good Xmas with no gambling tarnishing it. I have visions in my head that I want to see realised. Practically I have a chart that I keep which used to be 4 hourly and I'd tick it off every 4 hours gamble free. I now have a sheet of graph paper and tick every single hour off. Going out and keeping myself busy for a few hours (at work, or gardening, or exercising) and then being able to come back and tick off 3 / 4 boxes helps me see in making progress. A sheet lasts for about 20 days. I have withdrawal barriers on my cards so I can't access enough cash to make it worthwhile gambling. I post on here every day and nearly every hour some times! I tell my friends about my problem etc.

The best thing is to get a vision of a better life which can only be achieved without gambling.

Well said, Change. I'm sick physically , and not getting better so waiting at doctors office right now, but will post more later. Am starting my first ever attempt to write a RELAPSE PREVENTION PLAN though. Printed off some worksheets but haven't had chance to work on yet. Tonight after get home will work on planning.

Getting sicker hope they figure out what's wrong with me soon. Too sick to do much barely can drag myself through the day at work. Should probably have called in sick.