NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

Thanks guys. Today was a good day. Progress :o)

Its wasn't magical but it was good. That's cool for me. And I didn't gamble. That's great.

#keepingitsimple

I hope everyone has a good weekend.

Small steps signalman, the days will mount up to months, then weeks, then years. You are doing great, keep going I have every faith in you.

Good luck everyone today.

Hardly slept last night. Lied awake in a state of tension and anxiety. I have finally surrendered to gambling. I realised last night if I gamble ever again my mental health will be destroyed. During the night I felt I was slipping but today feeling different. Just completely stripped back and vulnerable I guess. Gambling is not there for me to soften any blows anymore.

Well done you need to be congratulating yourself for your days free! Today can add only one more day! Let’s do it! Jappy

hi signalman,

hope you're doing ok. the days are mounting up and it's something to be proud of. things will never be sorted as quick as you want, we want an instant fix as gamblers. keep going. be patient.

have a good Sunday!

A

Thank you guys. Your support means a lot.

I know life is slowly getting better. I know financially things are starting to settle. I know I am working towards a better version of myself and a better relationship with my wife. I know I'm trying harder at work and in social circles to make up for lost time to gambling.

The thing is though there is an emptiness still within me. Maybe regret... How could I destroy my family's finances, what kind of person does that make me etc.
But also the gambling was a release for me when I felt this way before... Ironically gambling has gutted me like a fish and now it wants to fill that void... I'd love to say it will never again but who knows what the future holds... I've been years GF before then succumb and gambled heavily. I've been here so many times. It's hard to be celebratory this time. It feels just like all the others.

However ultimately I have never reached out before, I have never sought help.I hope and prey this time it will be different and also that my life can finally be fulfilling and not a constant race away from what's missing.

Life is still the same just with more challenges now. The stakes are higher (must stop with these) and I guess that's what's scares me and keeps me feeling unsettled.

I felt that ache...The lost, lonely feeling of “is this it?” & I’ve discussed it with other addicts in recovery who understand it! Life doesn’t instantly improve when we lift our head from the sand, the same s**t problems that we always had are still there (usually exacerbated by a good financial crushing) but these problems are our shadow, we can’t outrun them & in time the dis ease is replaced by something more wholesome & calm than the false comfort of addiction!

Pg 22 mate, look @ the 1st JFT & try to stop catastrophising about the future...You can’t control it!

I'd add to Kelly's post above that the calmness she mentioned is ultimately what were searching for but for me feel's a very strange feeling at times considering the way I've been all of my gambling life..

I wanted a new life not governed by gambling " I wanted to be normal " whatever normal is ? and now I've acheived that I still feel I'm yearning for more but I don't quite know what ? ( if that makes sense )?.

Looking at my life today compared to 3yrs ago there's very little comparison , I have everything I really need and thing's are going well in every aspect yet I find myself still searching for something else and that " Is this it " feeling doesn't sit well with me but maybe the trait of a Compulsive gambler is to want everything ASAP , so 3yrs after I'd gambled for 40yrs is really a speck in time ?.

With reference to your post I think " There's an Emptiyness within us all " , lost years , lost money , lost chances to progress in life , ? Who know's but it is something we have to forgive ourselves for at some point I guess , it's just when will that point come ?.

I'd stopped fretting about the money long ago as that's not important but I do have day's looking around thinking " What an @r*e I've been " but " It's addiction " and " I was / am / and alway's will be an addict but now one that's Learning to live alongside it .

Look after yourself S :))

Wouldn't it be great to be a cat.

I mean their triangle will never be complete. Yes they have the time, but they don't have the money nor will they ever be in a location where they can succumb to gambling.

Their triangle is made up of the simple things - food/water, attention and sleep. They have a roof over their heads and they are happy.

Oh it's a cats life for me.

Hey all.

Day 54 today. Ongoing problems at work but nothing I can't handle for now I guess.

I would do anything to leave this job and get a new one... Its not even my main job anyway... However I have to live with the consequences of my actions... For now.

Thanks ALN. Mate you're right... It has been a melancholy few days for me... When I think about GA meeting coming up I do get a pang of excitement and a thrill at seeing my fellow comrades. Already thinking about what to say. But like you said need more inspiration between my weekly meet. Very little is getting done between meetings... Very little motivation.

Woke up feeling empty... so empty.

Can't get going today. Funnily enough someone reached out to me from GA when I needed it most - chatted to them - didn't find any instant answers but belonging and companionship filled that void a bit. Got a message from another member with sentiments describing the same feelings as mine. I was at sea most of the morning but sat with it and sat with it (not thinking, just hanging in there) and it eventually passed. Maybe it was just the act of reaching out and support that helped, as mentioned I didn't find any instant answers from talking with them - maybe just talking and not thinking helped to release the emptiness, who knows.

I still need to instigate the reaching out when I need to and swallow that pride - I can't keep relying on people reaching out to me. May reach out to someone later when I'm on the road. I think I'm going to try and keep myself mega busy for a while and distract me from being alone with thoughts - maybe this is running to a certain extent but I still think it's worth a try.

Have a good day all.

Hello Signalman,

I know personally i saw i had ignored people socially (not made any effort) for so long that people stopped asking and it falls on us to make that first move repeatedly until they see we are that social person again. I was more than happy to do this after i was aware of it. Its a chance to notice the improved effort you are making and a force to change the habbit's of old.

Often people don't know what to say so say nothing too. Once we start to talk people will see we don't fear their questions and being truly open and honest feels a very powerful stand point after so long hiding and lying about what/how we really are/feel.

Its a very up and down journey for a few months but atleast these highs are off of life and not the false promises of gambling.

All the best.

Thanks man. You are so right. I went to my study course today and had a great session. Learnt loads and left feeling really high... Ok not as high as a gambling high... That is a super sonic surge of dopamine like a punch in the face... No this was a serene wash over sort of high... Perfectly concentrated and not full of artificial ingredients like gambling...

I realised on the way home all I had to do today was get out of bed and live... Not think... Live.