NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

Good luck all today.

Bad nights sleep. Hope I can get a better routine soon as it knocks me for the day. At least no gambling urges for a while anyway. That's reassuring. Need to keep on keeping on.

I covered a shift at a place today that I haven't been to for a while... It made me shudder. Last time I was there I was gambling regularly throughout the day.

When I sat in the chair I remember the things I told myself at the time...

"Wow I've made double my earnings for the day in 5 minutes. My system is flawless"

"My family will be so proud of me if I can do this over the year and double my wages"

"I'm one step ahead of the rest"

"If I lose everything it won't matter as people will understand I was gambling for a better future for my family"

"This is like free money... I've exposed a flaw in the system"

"I can have a year off work next year and spend quality time with my son thanks to gambling (if I keep winning at this rate)"

"I'll never lose anyway because I'm completely in control and know when to quit for the day"

"I'm doing this for my family"

What a load of delusional c**P. I was completely hooked.

I reckon I could sit in a casino tomorrow and drink water all night and watch people come in and out (I would never test this theory of course!) I wouldn't be tempted to play as such and would probably enjoy the empowerment from finally putting gambling behind me and transcending it. However I wouldn't enjoy watching people come in full of joy and leaving in despair.

I don't think I'm so addicted to the glitz, the glam, the turn of the card, the spin of the wheel... My vice is the delusional thinking that comes hand in hand with gambling. I was COMPLETELY deluded and brainwashed by gambling as I found out today. That's why (for me) talking therapies (this, GA etc) is working so well for me... Talking about dreams, aspirations, fears, regrets etc keeps my feet on the ground and my mind in reality. Its a constant reminder of how to live properly again.

I need to talk and listen consistently to people like me. Peer-to-peer support. When I isolate and start talking to myself inside my head I talk complete **** and end up in a fantasy land. That's exactly where gambling wants you. You are easy prey to them when you are in that zone.

Talk sense, don't talk **** that's my mantra for the day. And the only way to have your talk vetted is by talking to someone or people openly and honestly and if they have got your back they will keep you on the right path and push you back on it when you're slipping. Choose carefully who you talk to of course. Some people will just judge, they won't understand.

ALN

it's always a privilege when you take time to post on my diary. Always. Your viewpoint is sometimes all I need to snap out of the b******t frame of mind I'm in. Im sure others read your posts and feel the same. Always keeping it real. Thank you.

ALN, I have to say I’m surprised @ you...Yes, it is about living in the now but our past is part of us. I understand the recovery program to be about learning to be @ peace with it, not trying to pretend it didn’t exist! It feels odd that you are so critical here of someone laying themselves bare & yet I don’t see you making comment about people championing GamStop & Easy way to stop gambling. It’s testament to signalman’s recovery that he has taken that on the chin & I for one have taken an awful lot from him.

Keep it up S...You are an inspiration x

Thanks guys.

I did think a bit more about your post ALN on my drive home yesterday... It was useful at the time to return to the present and focus on what I needed to do in my day.

On the way home I did wonder how easy it is to just put it all behind me and forget... And eventually conceded that actually I've done that loads before and ended up gambling again. I'm tired of running ALN. Really tired. As mentioned previously I don't want to be in my 60's and either still fighting this or still running. I want to be at peace and I want my thoughts and feelings to have transcended gambling. I believe there is a higher state of mind that exists beyond gambling and that mustn't be confused with putting a plaster on it. However to get there is a much more arduous process than just moving on and putting it behind me. To be fair ODAAT has reminded me that being honest about my feelings and thoughts, open, transparent etc is the best and only way to fully embrace the support I have at my disposal #strengthinnumbers

Why would I just put it all behind me and forget about it when I clearly haven't put it all behind me and forgotten about it? I feel like I need to stay with the thoughts and feelings + reaching out to people until I am peace with those thoughts and then I'll move on. I won't just bury them... Tried that before and it doesn't work for me.

This is how I approach my recovery anyway.

Moving on without confronting and addressing thoughts and feelings is to me like packing a draw of clothes at home by just forcing everything in and not folding anything. The draw may end up packed in the end but it's all a mess when I need to use it again and everything will end up having to come out probably before I find what I am looking for. Folding and arranging each item one by one, placing it neatly in the draw in a system that I'm happy with means that the draw will be still packed in the end but I will know where everything is in there. It takes longer and perhaps there are people who say just pack it and move on... But I need a neat and tidy draw to feel at peace and so I know where everything is when I need access in the future. That's just me.

A system works well for a gambler right? :o)

Anyway in other news I watched a kids program with my little one this morning and ended up with tears streaming down my face... Gosh I'm such an emotional wreck :oO ha ha

Gosh just listened to a podcast featuring a father who lost his son to gambling. So sobering.

It hit home to me how deadly and devastating this addiction can be and the consequences of not getting help and keeping it all in. At my worst a few months ago that could've been my dad on the podcast... Seriously.

Keeping things in and not communicating struggles is so dangerous. And that goes for life in general and not just gambling.

If anything I'm grateful to be here and keeping up the fight... Sometimes faring better than on other days. I'm grateful for everything I still have and grateful for the opportunity to try and make things right again. Things could have been so much different without support.

ALN wrote: Hi S,

Can fully appreciate where you're coming from, and wouldnt criticise anything that works in your recovery. I myself have stopped looking at and watching sport which has historically added to the urges. Seems to be working for me although not much to talk about now with family and friends.
Also nothing wrong with showing emotion, I too struggle at times.

All the best.

Thanks again for taking time to check in with me. Two things I've learned from it...

1) not to confuse pragmatism and pride. 'up and at em' - 'move forward, leave it behind' etc is all good when one is truly ready to do that... I could force the issue now but that wouldn't be confronting and dealing with the fears, worries and corrupt thinking that I currently experience. How do i deal with these? Reaching out and support of course. Listening to others. Talking to others. Caring and sharing. Once dealt with I'll move on to the next bit. If I just crack on without tending to myself I'm being governed by pride and ego.

2) I'm still very much at Step 1 then. Still coming to terms with my life being unmanageable. That's fine... I'll stay here as long as I need to. At least I am taking steps this time.

Just to compound the above - we have workmen in and the house is a mess. I was clearing some builders dust up yesterday and thought how my life has turned upside down... Environmentally, emotionally, mentally, financially... In a instant. Felt shame for what I have done to my wife and child and what I will put them through moving forward. Whilst I have a lot to be grateful for it just struck me that as mentioned previously I remain at step 1 where I come to terms with my life as unmanageable. This will take time to move on from as I keep trying to fight back. Eventually I'll surrender I guess then I can move on to the next step.

Quick question:

What do people do when they pass a bookies? Do you notice your behaviour? I'm just curious.

Mine is - look once in anger, look again in pity... Then look away and move on. Would be interested in peoples responses to this scenario...

I've come a long way from looking once in anger, again in pity then going inside anyway :o)

Im at that workplace I loathe today. So far so good though. I realised a lot of b******g and moaning goes on here and it is part of the working culture. I ostracised myself from it all today and got immersed in some cleaning. In turn I think this ostracises myself from the rest of my colleagues but hey ho... I'd rather be lonely at work than duped into making negative comments about people and spreading negative vibes. A lot of the stuff I say when i do get involved I don't even mean... I'm just trying to be in on the conversation and get people to like me.

ALN wrote: Hi S,

Answer to your bookies question is for me, I know it is there but try to ignore it, I don't really want to give it a second thought in case that it draws me back in.

If honest I don't have any resentment as I know I was responsible for everything I got myself in.

I think it's easier when in yourself you draw a line and accept it is what it is.

ALN

ALN

I am drawn to your comment about taking responsibility for actions. I think this is essentially why I take time to take in the bookmakers when I pass and not just avoid them completely... I need to remind myself of the decisions I made and the pain I have brought to myself and those around me. Maybe it's the pseudo-masochist in me but doing this gives me strength. They say its ok to look back at the past just don't stare right?
I know gambling disorder is classed as an illness and all that but I want to take ownership of my actions in the end so I am in charge, not the illness.

I came on here early on in recovery and said I had forgiven myself... Lately I don't think that's the case. I hope eventually I will and at that point I can draw a line under this all. Got to keep working on it. Thanks ALN.

I posted about this as for a while, I did a bit of a demented “f**k you” dance...Truth is, now, I’m grateful to the bookies for bringing me to my knees because it sped up my self harming enough to face that I couldn’t just stop if I wanted to like I had told myself so many times. Today I barely notice them & when I do, it’s just another shop that I’m not going to be spending money in.

Wow would love to get there one day, or rediscover this state of mind rather... When I was a kid before all the gambling this is defo how I felt. Looking for that innocence again.

Oh yes i know when I’m approaching a bookies, i know where they all are, anxiety intensifies the nearer i get, i look in and when I’m past the door i look straight ahead and anxiety levels fade away, safe , I’ve had a stop button tattooed onto my hand as a visual reminder to stop and think, it does work but sometimes I’ve chosen to not look, which goes to show that it’s down to me if i gamble or not, . Guard Up. Bobbyj / Rainman

I am new to this forum.but I can tell you I have been gambling for 40 years and I am taking this GA site as a last resort.at least we can talk to eachoter and see we are not alone.all the best.day by day