NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

I understand what you mean. I think whatever helps is worthwhile in this situation. I like to redirect my mind at times to the fact losing so much money has bought me closer to focusing on the simple things in life etc and that it’s a good thing. I then think that that’s just myself trying to make me feel better which isn’t exactly a bad thing but I already focussed on those things in the past, it was just from a position of financial security as well...I think it’s very important to look at the positives that bad things in life throw at you for sure, try and grow and learn and appreciate the things you do still have and still do control, your attitude and mindset being the main one. I surrender to the idea that what’s happened has happened, what has been has been and what I have lost, I have lost. I can rebuild and can forge ahead and I will do exactly that. But.. I am just waffling on now but anyway. Appreciate your thoughtful reply bud. Scott

Mate you were really not waffling... I resonated with that post completely. You pretty much explained my thought processes at times to perfection... It's actually reassuring to know that people think the same about all this...

It's easier said than done right? Others I talk to about this stuff tell me not to be too hard on myself or don't put too much pressure on myself but you know, all it takes is for me to drive past a cinema and catch a glimpse of the latest release, realise I can't go and take my wife right now coz I'm skint and the negative spirals start swirling...

Hence my transition towards faith in a more spiritual way of living. When I think spiritually I think that actually I am grateful I have a wife and she is supporting me through this... Someone at work lost their father this year and they haven't been the same since... The impact is palpable. I have a wife, I am grateful, I go home and cook her a nice meal. We watch a film on telly. Cinemas, debts and gambling drift away into the distance. This is how my higher power is working anyway... like you said mate... Whatever works right now is worthwhile. Spot on.

Its mad to think that in times past I would've convinced myself that another dance with the devil may be the way to remedy how I was feeling. Absolutely mad. But we've all done it haven't we.

Gambling activates parts of mind that have the power to completely delude and brainwash oneself... I reckon it's similar parts of the mind that are activated when people turn to extremism or harbour extreme views about society and such like...

Anyway absolutely top post mate. Feel free to come on here and 'waffle' any time :o)

Hello Signalman

I am forever in awe of you and the way in which you have fought back against this and are still fighting with fortitude and courage. You express yourself brilliantly in your posts, if times get tough I'm sure you could publish your story in book form! I started gambling 18 months ago and have no monetary loss despite spending thousands. Does it make me happy I have no financial loss - not one bit because I have "lost" myself in the process and don't know how to come back from my experiences of gambling if I'm honest. I don't feel like "me" anymore. I don't know who I am but I wouldn't want to know me. I'm impressed by your spiritual approach and was also drawn to the part where you speak of your wife, and your colleague who has suffered a bereavement and has become a changed person in the aftermath. I just wanted to say I only got drawn into gambling to wipe out the pain of losing my Husband 2years ago. Needless to say I have now got additional problems I never even dreamt of on top of my bereavement emotionally speaking. You are so right when you mention how grateful you are to have a lovely, supportive wife. We think our partners will be here for always and when they are not we are changed souls forever. With the gambling out of the way you'll be able to lavish her with 100% of vyour undivided attention. What a great gift that is for you both. Everything else is insignificant in comparison. Keep going Signalman.

Thanks so much Sapphira... Really nice of you to take time to share some thoughts.

You can beat gambling... The way you speak makes it evident that you are worn out with gambling and you just want some peace from it, in fact I think this is true of anyone who comes on here to post and reflect. That unsettling feeling where 'you don't feel like you' that's because you are an inherently good person so when you gamble of course you won't feel whole as gambling isn't you... You know deep down that it's not meant for you.

Gambling will only bring people like us more pain. Even if we won loads of money... It wouldn't solve anything... We would just need more gambling afterwards once the euphoria of a win wears off.

I'm sure you can get on top of this... I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband - I fully understand the need to lose yourself in something to escape the heartache. I hope you find solace in a place which nutures the goodness within you and this helps to expunge the gambling demons from you. Good luck.

Thanks so much for the support and again, thanks for taking time to post. Stay strong. Believe in yourself and the goodness within you. Just from your post today and previous posts to me I can sense your goodness and know this gambling path wasn't meant for you. Leave it behind and let light into your life. Things will get better that way for sure. Work hard at it and im sure you will prevail.

I just thought I was reading your latest post but it was the last one from the first page. I was worried with what you were saying but it wasn’t recent hehe. You really have come a long way already buddy, really done great. Keep up the good work and it will get easier day by day but remember having a bad moment or morning or occasional day is not a cause for panic, just gradually gets easier although you might go one step back occasionally then two forward :).

Cheers bro :o) you're so right.

Yeah I still refer to that first post sometimes and it makes me shudder...

Thanks for your reply and kind comments signalman, have a peaceful day.

Up early with the boy today. Someone is sick at work so I have picked up extra shifts... Gonna be grafting hard until the end of the week. Minimal rest.

I worked so hard over the years to ensure I could have a work/life balance as too much work affects mood. Thanks to gambling I have to graft hard now in preparation for Christmas. However it's all good... I am grateful I have a job and this second chance to make amends.

Meeting yesterday... Fairly sombre mood there which I took home with me. But that's ok too... Recovery isn't always going to be inspiring and uplifting. Yesterday was a reminder of where I could have gone or ended up if I didn't arrest the addiction now.

A lot to be grateful for today. Good luck all.

I decided on the way home today that I'm going to try and live as 'normally' as possible from now on. This is actually going to be tough for someone like me who has constantly been pushing boundaries throughout adulthood.

I'd like to elaborate on what I mean but won't due to fear of reprimand :o) but what I will say is early nights, gym, cooking meals, eating healthily, chores studying hard, obeying the speed limit when driving and being nice/helpful to people when opportunities arise are all part of this attempted overhaul in my life... Wish me luck!

Oh also, I had another thought about updating the 20 questions they ask when you enter GA (don't worry Forum Admin, I'm not attempting to start a debate... Just making an observation is all) :o)

These two I think need to go...

3. Did gambling affect your reputation?
4. Have you ever felt remorse after gambling?

And I think should be replaced by these two:

During your gambling, did you ever develop a 'system' which dictated your betting or style of play?

Did you ever consider yourself a 'professional' gambler?

Just an observation is all :o)

And here's another (which seems glaringly obvious actually):

Have you ever attempted to stop gambling in the past and then returned to it?

Ahh, you say potato, I say potato 😉

I don’t think it matters much what I answered to any of those questions or what they were...The simple fact that I was looking for help with my gambling meant I had a problem.

And as for the have you ever attempted to stop...That’s the powerlessness part of Step 1 my friend!

Don’t fear remand on here...Like in the rooms, it all comes from a place of love so just get out what you need to my friend & keep doing what you are doing - ODAAT

ODAAT wrote:

I don't think it matters much what I answered to any of those questions or what they were...The simple fact that I was looking for help with my gambling meant I had a problem.

That is so weird you said that... As soon as I posted the messages that's precisely what I thought... Then that thought was followed by "I bet Kelly will tell me the same thing" :o)

Yeah for sure... I hadn't been on the forums all day and probably led me to overthinking the obvious as my day went on... It's amazing coming on here and reading through people's stories and experiences to get perspective and remind oneself of where we have come from and where we can get to with the right support finally. All the bits in between are just frilly bits aren't they :o) thanks Kelly. Get well soon ;o)

Thanks for dropping by to post on my Diary, much appreciated. Was reading your thoughts about depression / gambling on another thread you'd commented on. It's a bit of a catch22 isn't it. I'd never experienced true depression until my bereavement and maybe that made me vulnerable to gambling yet the gambling has "darkened"' my depression even further because the "worthlessness sets in doesn't it. It's a hard climb out but you've done absolutely amazingly, keep going.

Hey Sapphira...

I hope you're well today. I'm not sure which fuels the other in my case - depression fuelling gambling or vice versa... all I know is the recovery program in its full glory can address both so I am committed. I hope you have a great day.

Ps I loved your reference to the online operators as a 'den of inequities' just with broadband added... I do have to laugh and appreciate people's brilliance on here sometimes... Thanks for brightening up my day :o) anyway stay strong today.

Mega busy day for me today. I hope I can keep up! At least I'm up and about. If all goes to plan I can squeeze in some evening fireworks with the family... Looking forward to that :o)

I had a dream about entering a bookies last night and not placing a bet + fleeting gambling thoughts this morning. Both annoying but true :o(

I just tell myself yeah I could win big but what if I'm wrong and lose what I have left... It's all over for me. Then I move on with things.

That's the first 90 days I guess... Full of surprises when you least expect them.

Have a good day all. Keep up the fight.

It just dawned on me that after my gambling escapades I will never be the same again.

Now it's up to me whether that is a good thing or a bad thing.

Have a great weekend all. Stay strong.