NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

You too have a great weekend mate. Well done for smashing 60+ gamble free days. Keep up the good work bud.

Pras

Thanks for the reply Signalman. I'm glad the "den of iniquities"' raised a titter! I do get what you mean about being a "changed" person. As you have bounced back from such a dreadful starting point it proves you have a remarkable resilience and you'll find a positive change, rather than negative. Have a good weekend with your family.

Thanks Sapphira. Stay strong today. Look after yourself.

So day 66 of this crazy, life changing experience.

Yesterday was busy but fruitful... Managed to squeeze in some fireworks with family before night shift and it was lovely. Everyone around me was jolly and jovial but too much has happened to me over the last couple of months for me to let go and follow suit. Instead I focused on spending quality time with my family and for a moment I felt complete again. Just for a moment.

From now until next Sunday I'm working like a dog (mixture of staff sickness, needing extra money and Christmas coming) so just need to keep my head above water and manage my time effectively. Just finishing a shift now then off for a cheap lunch with wife and boy. It's the small pleasures in life that keep me going right now. Before I was trying to conquer the world... Nowadays all my efforts are channeled towards just keeping my world together. I hope and prey it gets easier over time. As I've said before... I trust in the wisdom of others who have walked this path who tell me that it does.

Good luck all. Stay strong and GF this weekend.

Hopefully you will have more and more of those moments as time passes bud. How you getting on with the wife lately?

Hey man

Great to hear from you. Just been perusing the site for an hour or so, some great insight you've been offering on other people's diaries... I really resonated with a lot of your thoughts. Thanks

Well today was topsy-turvy to be honest. I woke up feeling great... Worked a few hours... Then returned home and felt immediately lost and down. Carried these feelings through lunch and became ratty and insolent with my wife. Took myself off to bed in the afternoon. Wasted a day pretty much... She took our son to a party which was for the best as I was s**t company...

Managed to haul myself up and cooked her dinner, apologised for behaviour and most crucially... We talked through how I was feeling (this is something we can now do since coming clean).

I'm gutted I felt down after a good run of positive mindset. More gutted that i couldn't control my mood and projected this onto my wife. It was all very trivial today... However 2 realisations since I've been back at work on the graveyard shift...

1) I only feel down when I'm at home. Possibly because when I'm not working I feel guilty for not doing something to remedy the debt I'm in.

2) read muststops account of relapse and was a MASSIVE reality check. His raw and honest account of relapsing has pretty much arrested the negative spiral swirling about in my head. Heart goes out to muststop, thoughts are with him and hope he's in a better place. Massive respect to him for finding the strength to post in order to warn others about precursors and the impact of negative thinking.

So to answer your question... Relationship was improved until today... 2 steps forward, 1 step back is generally my pattern in these early days... Today was my step back... But she is amazing and just wants me to recover. One day I swear I'll make this all up to her. One day...

Thanks so much for passing by my diary Scott. Always appreciated.

Ps. In this moment I have so much gratitude for gamcare and the service it provides. I kick myself for thinking during the down period last month that I probably wouldn't need it once it came back. That was delusional thinking borne out of misplaced anger at feeling abandoned by the site. Sometimes my head does the math all wrong and the answer ends up being way out... This is what I fear most about my head... This is what may be my downfall if I ever head back to gambling one day. But as long as we keep helping each other and keeping each other on the right path like must stop has done through his account of relapse (and those supporting him during these testing times)... I and others have a fighting chance.

Day 67. Want to have a decent, productive day and I hope you guys have the same. Good luck all.

Hey signalman. Always glad to swing by. As long as you are moving forward bud that’s all that matters, as I said, sometimes you will go back a step or two. It’s iust the way it is. I still think you have progressed so much, it’s been great observing the change in you. Really has. I am sure you will make it up to your wife bud, I’m sure you will. Scott

Thanks Scott. Hope you're good.

Went to bed thinking about gambling last night... This morning spent thinking "what is wrong with me!!!" I feel like I have no control sometimes, I'll never learn my lesson and I'm an accident waiting to happen :o(

Anyway starting my rough week of work today. Already tired due to bad night with the boy last night. Was being rude to my wife this morning (we were both tired I guess) but I'm sure my pattern is that I'm an a**e when I've thought about gambling as I feel so dumb and stupid for a while after.

We had a lovely evening at the fireworks over the weekend and the next day I thought about gambling... This knocked me back so much as I couldn't believe it would enter my mind after such a nice evening...

Once the depression sets in I'm open to the elements. Luckily a friend rang me last night and set my mind straight. Anyone reading this who is new to confrontation of addiction please reach out to people... It's a very very powerful medicine. Even to shoot the breeze... If you're honest with yourself I bet you've not done this enough in your life and gambling has taken precedence, and remember, gambling breeds isolation and low self-esteem.

Anyway one day at a time for me. If I think too far ahead the depression rises. If I just don't gamble (for today at least, then do it again tomorrow) then life will get better over time.

Gambling and FOBT's a topic of discussion on This Morning... Watching it now. Great exposure I guess. Tracey Crouch we salute you :o)

It's just the tip of the iceberg though isn't it. Gambling is everywhere. Protection is scarce. We have each other at least. That's protection.

Good day all.

Hi ALN

thanks for checking in on me. Haven't had much energy to post today... Left it late in the day.

It's quite apt you posted actually because I've been thinking a lot about what you recommend re. trying to put things behind me that I can't change + how it's far healthier to accept the situation for what it is and move on...

I know this is the thing to do but sometimes I can't do it. I'm only in my first 90 days... I get that... It's just that some days I get consumed by the terrible errors that I made and the regret swallows up my whole day... Other days I can focus on making good the terrible errors that I made... It's a no brainer which path is best to follow of course. Today I wasted half a day then made good the remainder. Sadly my boy is unwell and due to self-absorption I was not able to offer him the level of care and support he needed today. Shame on me :o(

Anyway I sort of hope someone reads my diary entry who may be spending too much money gambling and is testing the water to see if they may or may not have a problem. I hope this message imparts to them the devastation gambling can cause when you lose control... How it just doesn't fix itself overnight and the pain and heartache permeates and affects all aspects of your life and also imprints itself on those close to you. If you're that person please heed my warning and find something else to do with your time.

Anyway let's end on a positive note. Every morning I wake up the gambling monster looms over me, mocking me and smirking. Placing a bet is not the prominent issue anymore... The gambling monster is just kicking me while I'm down now... Kicking me for fun and taking all the wind out of me. However I have the secret weapon... One day at a time. Sometimes it takes me half a day or so to realise this or remember but I get there in the end.

This journey is like a soap opera that I'm the director of... So I get to determine how each episode/day plays out. I will try to remember this moving forward.

Thanks again for the message ALN. yeah I'm still here rambling away... Rambling away and hanging in there. Meeting tomorrow so I'll have a wider audience to ramble to (lucky them eh?) :o)

Day 70 for me today. Feel a bit overwhelmed with everything. Maybe because I have an assignment due end of month and haven't started it. Anyway c**P weather outside but must get on.

Good day all.

Hello Signalman

Firstly and most importantly, I hope your little boy is a lot better today. I read your longer post above and found it quite touching, the regrets, etc. Gambling maybe feels like we live a life "in" this world, but definitely not "of" this world. Unknown to us at the time of course. We've all heard in the soaps etc, "you won't find the answer to your woes at the bottom of a glass but it's not often that the same is heard about the spin of the wheel or turn of the card is it.

As always your words of wisdom were spot on in your last post with that "knitting needle" and dog scenario because you know, that's sadly exactly what happened yesterday. I'd had gamble free days and blew it. Playing with play money must have gone to my head and made me think I had conquered the gambling. Call it arrogance or ignorance but either way I obviously thought I didn't need the stabilizers on my metaphorical bicycle anymore. How did I think I could undo 18 months damage in 5 days. I awoke this morning thinking I had lost my money before remembering I'd won it back and promptly withdrew it. A tiny amount in some people's eyes but its about more than the money isnt it.

Just seen your GF day count, that's just marvellous, well done. What an amazing achievement despite the black days there must have been. Hopefully now the black episodes are just merely moments or hours at the worst. I try to think of life as a jigsaw puzzle. Some pieces shiny and vivid, others murky and unpleasant but over time the murky pieces will diminish and the better pieces will outnumber them until they are just a speck in the grand picture of things.

Sorry for my long ramble on your diary, just wanted to say thanks for your comments of encouragement.

Hey Sapphira... Left a message in your diary. Please don't take the tone the wrong way... sometimes I just think we need to hear things even if we know them already.

Thank you for the words of encouragement. They mean so much.

Been struggling mentally past couple of days. But attended a very intimate and most powerful GA meeting last night which buoyed me. Then found out a local lad from our area lost his long standing battle with cancer... He was told as a baby he only had a 5% chance of survival and made it to 17. Absolute legend and inspirational young man. I will always think of him when times get tough and his strength will spur me on.

Just saw a horrific car accident on way home. I hope everyone escapes unscathed and can go home to their loved ones
#liveforthemoment

I'll take hope and strength from any place it is being proffered, I'll even take it from the depths of evil darkness. Because the more we turn darkness into light the more hope we have of achieving the greater good... Not just for me... For everyone around me too.

Many, many thanks for your sincere message you left on my diary, I feel privileged that you spent time composing such an insightful and helpful message. No, I never noticed a tone to it but in all honesty sometimes people just have to "tell it as it is" to get it through to those who naiivly choose to bury their head in the sand. I posted a reply on my Diary. As it's long I did it on my Diary, it's a shame to impose my troubles on your supporter's eyes. I'm sorry you had a tough week, that must have been hard. There's a saying I can't remember, something along the lines of "what thrives in the dark dies in the light". I wish I could recall it but I agree with you about turning the dark into light.

Sorry you had a bit of a wobble but good you bounced back. Keep going.

1) you're not naive... You're in pain. You're hurting. Get help for that

2) supporters? Ha! I'm pretty sure anyone who passively followed my diary before has now been scared off by my inane ramblings! Apart from you! That makes you special in my books!

Anyway - youre three days GF... nice one for getting back on the horse. You can do it. Feel free to post whatever you want, whenever you want on here... You're always welcome!

Working hard this week. 1st day of 4 long days straight. All good though... Christmas coming, sons birthday coming and going away end of month so money needed. 1st and 4th days are at the place I loathe... However today has been a good day.

The gardener that worked here for 20 years is returning to portugal... Last shift today. Felt inspired by his story... He worked his socks off here for so long and built up his finances... Finally he can return to his homeland with family and setup nicely there. Life is just so much bigger than my world and my ego and it's desires... If you learn this like the gardener you just get your head down and life will truly reward you in the end.

Someone here talking about their trip to India... Felt overwhelming jealousy and envy listening to her story! Still so much work to do on myself... Feel terrible for feeling this way.

Anyway hope all had a good day and good weekends to you all. Stay positive.