NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

Today was the first day I went the whole day feeling 'good' again. And it was a busy day too so by all accounts I should have crumbled.

Note to self: if I ever gamble again after this I am an absolute plank and am wasting precious air that could be inhaled by bona-fide human beings.

That is one complex bit of Tupperware huh (P.s: never use it with beetroot)...Amazing what pleasures we can find when not fixated with gambling 🙂

Morning all.

Up and about. Feeling positive. Wanted to wish everyone a good weekend and best of luck.

Changing seasons... Opportunity for change... And all that jazz.

But seriously though - I reckon what holds me back sometimes is my misplaced belief that I respect money, I am attached to money and now my whole world will fall apart as I don't have money. Its all boo-hah really. I don't have respect for money which is why I threw it all away... Numbers on a computer screen and all that. However people I speak to covertly about gambling who don't gamble they always talk generally of this respect for money they have, which is why they don't do it. I don't have that respect.

Therefore I need to teach myself to live modestly from now on and support my family in ways where money and spending is not the driving force. There are plenty of other ways I can support my family whilst ensuring I work enough to acquire money for bills, food, debt etc... And the odd treat.

Once this momentum has become routine I can free myself of the shackles - I will be no longer tricking myself that I am attached to money and it rules my world. I can learn to live in a world not wholly governed my money and wealth and will continue to live modestly forever and just ditch any extra money in a corner somewhere (ie some sort of savings account) once debts are paid off and extra money becomes available. Hope this makes some sort of sense.

If not... To put it simply - f**k money.

Have a good weekend all.

Hey ALN

Oh the mess I'm in is all in my first post. Monthly repayments are manageable but it does mean a lifestyle change and living more modestly. I was always attached to money before, now I have to learn not to be.

What I don't get is that I think I'm a pretty decent guy... Always tried to help others and be responsible etc. Worked hard all my life. Why would I disregard my young boy and wife when I got the urge to gamble? Why didn't they enter my mind along with some sense of morality and conscience when I chose to gamble? He is so young and innocent and its my job to look after him... Why didn't I honour that promise?

Ok I'm with you about the personal responsibility bit... At the beginning I did try convincing myself and others that I was possessed at the time but realised that I wasn't possessed enough to transfer money around accounts when losing and making transfers via PayPal etc so when thinking retrospectively I now see that excuse as pretty daft.

I will give my wife more credit now and treat her with more respect moving forward. Thanks ALN... Needed to hear that to be honest.

Found the passage about escapism and a 'one-off rush' quite powerful although it fairly simplistic in itself... Stripped down I guess that's what gambling is... I need to replace that urge to experience this with something equally potent but far less damaging. Not sure I'm up to skydiving or anything just yet but will work towards something... That's my commitment from here on in (I can see why people skydive now)

Thanks for sticking around my diary despite my incongruent mood and behaviour. I'm glad you don't take me too seriously, neither do I to be honest... Just think of me as a stroppy teenager in a 35 year olds body who's being forced to grow up now :o)

Have a good weekend mate

Truth be told I used to think I was something special, a 'big shot' if you will... But gambling has humbled me.

...."You're never alone with a gambling addiction, apart from when you're gambling."

I like that phrase you used, a lot.

Just dropping by to say thanks for the reply and wise words, much appreciated as usual.

I wouldn't be fretting if I were you about feeling you might not have given your undivided attention when you were in the middle of a gambling session. The very fact that you had been fretting about it at all very much proves you are a decent guy. Reading the bit where you speak of moving your money around via PayPal etc brought back memories because that's exactly what I did, it makes you shudder doesn't it the way our rational thinking gets distorted.

Well, I thought I'd say keep up the good work and bid you a good weekend and thanks again. I'll finish a few lines on my own diary and update it again next, let's hope I have something positive to report!

Sorry I seem to have duplicated my last post. Guard Up bobbyj

Truth be told I used to think I was something special, a 'big shot' if you will... But gambling has humbled me.. Yes, i thought just the same , But I’m gonna pick myself up and move forward, i don’t wanna be a big shot. Good luck to you signal. Bobbyj

Truth be told I used to think I was something special, a 'big shot' if you will... But gambling has humbled me.. Yes, i thought just the same , But I’m gonna pick myself up and move forward, i don’t wanna be a big shot. Good luck to you signal. Bobbyj

Hi Signalman,

Thanks for the post on my diary, and the great advice, I will be sure to check the podcasts out.

I know what you mean on your earlier post about being obsessed with money, but surely that is one of the reasons we all pursued these fase dreams. The big win and all those pointless things we could buy (but never would buy them as we'd lose the money before getting to the shop!). I think about money a lot, mainly as I am always mentally juggling debt in my head, and I hate myself for it. I try now to not worry about money, as long as the bills are covered, and instead try and focus on family, friends and opportunities to have fun.

Keep up the good work and thanks for the advice.

James

Hello Signalman hope your having a good week. Tomorrow you will be 11 weeks away from your last bet which is quite wonderful and definitely a big step in the right direction.

It is good that you remain positive, focussed and determined. If you are ever having a bad day, I would suggest that you just keeping going forward, secure in the knowledge that you want to do the right thing and are slowly heading in the right direction.

Respect for your positive contributions to the forum which show wisdom, understanding and compassion for your fellow travellers. Wishing you well as you continue on your life saving mission ...stephen

Hi all

Been working flat out last 4 days - which in itself hasn't been a bad thing. I lose myself at work - it's like a microcosm of the real world for me, the only problems in the capsule of work are the work-related problems of the day, which I deal with and go to bed happy. Felt good over last few days. Woke up at home today (day off) with a sinking feeling. Reality hits... Well thank god my mind is no longer playing tricks on me telling me this feeling is because I am unhappy with my current family situation and change is required... I love my family. Just have a mountain to climb and nowhere to run when not at work :o) That's all. Better start climbing... It's all good. Gambling f***s with your brain and your finances. Anyone reading this who is starting to slip down the gambling slope... STOP YOURSELF NOW AND GET AS FAR AWAY FROM IT AS HUMANELY POSSIBLE!

I need to keep busy when at home, I really do. Can't be sitting alone stewing on thoughts. I've said this before but I really need to start doing this now, to conserve my mental health moving forward. The money is gone, I've accepted that now. Hopefully from here on in I'll be posting constuctive posts re how I've maximised my day rather than posts laden with self-pity. Also will try to substitute self-pity with a more philsophical perspective about all this (that'll be your doing ALN) :o)

I used to be dynamic, efficient and motivated. Gambling (losses) have taken all the wind out of me - not that it really matters right now but found myself wondering again today "why did you gamble in the first place?" I conceded that once my day was done and all tasks complete - I just couldn't sit alone with my own thoughts and feelings - I didn't like the person I was (rude, abnoxious, arrogant, self-centred), it was naff all to do with being unhappy with my family situation - in fact I am blessed to have a loving family despite my previous foibles. Gambling gave me a ticket out of having to sit with myself. Why didn't I just sit and watch a film instead... :o) Would've saved years of hurt and heartache.

Anyway this is my chance to put gambling to bed and work on myself to become someone I am proud of, I won't waste it. Have worked hard in this area over last few months - probably can pat myself on the back in that respect.

James - don't beat yourself up too much about being consumed by debt in the early days of recovery - that's a perfectly natural reaction in the early days of recovery I guess. Time will heal, your financial plan will start to kick in then suddenly at some point all the capacity you are using to think about debt will be freed up and you'll have all this spare headspace - at that point I would urge you to use that capacity to get working on yourself in whatever way suits you best (GA, self-help, counselling, therapies, exercise and so forth). That's the point where you can start building that armour up ready for if/when gambling tries to lure you in again. Strengthen the mind with personal insight and understanding and gambling will find it hard to get back in. Every so often spare a thought for those out there who won't even accept they have a problem and continue to gamble their lives away... send a positive thought out to them... keeps you grounded and also if you believe in all that mumbo-jumbo (I do) then a positive thought may give them strength.

ALN - Completely understand why you feel the day count is irrelevant... you're done with gambling - I believe you when you say it so why cling on to every day like its a victory - you've surrendered to gambling so I guess there is no battle there for you anymore. However just in the spirit of inspiring others I think it's nice to mention your day count from time to time - when I was on day 1 it was most inspiring to come on here and see a day count partnered with positive, grounded and optimistic comments about the future - it gave me hope - hope is the foundation to start recovery right? Keep celebrating your day count mate - not for you so much - for the others mostly then :o)

Thought of the day:

Does life have to be a fight or can it be a friend?

Hi

Wanted to check if the blocking software on my phone was working last night so tried and just my luck it wasn't for some reason... Rather than close the window straight away I found myself perusing the odds for about 4/5 seconds before I came to my senses! Crazy how powerful the lure of this addiction is. You got to laugh really. I can't make a bet anyway. Blocks in place mean I dont have the means (thankfully!)

Also had a long, vivid dream about the lottery last night, which is strange as I don't like the lottery. I could do without this need to self-destruct!

Anyway all things considered these are hurdles I can deal with so onwards from here and will continue to be strong and stay away from gambling. It's toxic (to an addict).

Good luck all

Hi Signal, the addiction that is in me is part of me, like looking left and right when you cross the road, it can be over looked, taken for granted, par for the course, now that’s where it’s in my psyche, it’s like an automatic thought that can come into my head, and i decide to do it or not to do it, but how many times have you either driven the car to a destination and can’t actually remember the journey that you’ve just made, or again like crossing the road, automatically done, looking left and right, cos you don’t want to get run over do you, but you’ve done it so many times that you just do it with out thinking, but it’s on occasions that you do it and get a jult cos something happened and you do nearly get run over,,,,, it’s hard for me to explain, but it also can be a premeditated gamble,,, so i have to keep on top of this all the time, I’m using my “crossing the road “ idea to get me to safety,, like this, i don’t want to get run over so i will watch my approach, i will stop and think, i will look, i will move forward safely, i will not walk into danger, i will not get run over, i will get to the other side safely, i will move on to the next road to cross, i will think about it and try to remember my journey as i make it, ,,, it’s easy to look back and think i don’t remember, but you got run over, hell of a mess, it’s the journey as it unfolds, think about it, as it’s happening , you’re in control, but just be that one step ahead, ,,, i know,,, this sounds like a head mash, but every time you do it, ,, it becomes built in, like crossing the road, lol, but never ever take it for granted otherwise you will get run over,,, battle won again, ,, signal, you only win the war if there’s battles to be fought, this enemy ain’t gonna go away, so i will continue to fight as it comes, as long as i can see it, i can keep it out the way, moving on guard Up, bobbyj / rainman