Thanks Bobby. I get all that you are saying. The blocking software I use is a bit temperamental so I like to check it time to time when I am feeling weak then reset my phone if it's playing up... It's good I have so many barriers up for when I do feel weak though so if one fails the others protect me.
I think moving forward I'll just reset my phone every few days without checking if the software is working at the time... In order to avoid having to even bring up a gambling website from now on. I'm sick of the sight of them to be honest!
Lesson learnt... Good advice given from you... I'll take it on board moving forward. Definitely approach all this with far more caution and not underestimate the power of gambling from now on. Thanks again.
Hi Signalman, hope you're feeling better today. Sorry to hear that your morale was low yesterday but I'm equally glad to know that you found some form of support through my posts. I understand your frustrations regarding blocking software. I've got gamban app and it's been playing up lately for me too on a daily basis but I just try to keep myself strong and don't let that of thought of gambling come across my mind. I just pretend that the software is fully up and running all the time and it will always prevent from visiting gambling sites. The other trick I try is that talking to the missus and letting her know blocking software is playing up. It works for me because at least that way there's someone to keep an eye on you just in case.
I hope you have a good day tomorrow my friend. We are here for each other and we shall overcome this addiction together. Take care.
Thanks so much Pras. Thanks for the kind words and support.
Yeah the blocking software sucks but I will just turn my phone off and on regularly without thinking to reset the software. Small price to pay in order to moderate a potentially expensive mistake.
Yeah Wednesday sucked because my loan payment came out which left me tight for the rest of the month... Only money for shopping and fuel left in kitty. Decided to take a 2 hour drive to see a friend to lift my spirits. After 1.5 hrs my tyre burst. 105 quid to replace in the end and a 3 hour wait. Needless to say I returned home after the debacle... Deflated like the tyre had been :o(
On the plus side the two guys that came to sort me out were diamonds and we had a good chat and a laugh in the street :o)
It's funny because on the way home I conceded that I don't have any money anymore so why get pent up about money anymore. What am I trying to manage... I can't control money because occurences like today could occur any time... So just survive month to month, one day at a time and that's it. When I thought of it like that I laughed to myself... And reminded myself that the 2 breakdown guys were actually a good craic :o)
The next day I got a penalty notice in the mail for using a bus lane last week... If I remember someone was driving erratically in front of me so I borrowed the bus lane to steer clear of them... Little did I know last week they installed new cameras there... Still my fault :o( more unexpected outlay.
Anyway my life is truly unmanageable so why bother trying to manage it or get down at the fact I can't manage these things when they happen... I'll be ok... Life kicks you in the nuts sometimes... Been getting a lot of kicks lately but maybe one day I'll be kicking the a**e out of life instead :o)
I lost all my money gambling and then some. I've put my family's finances and future at risk. I'm not special, I'm not blessed. I'm just a guy with problems who needs to work hard to fix the damage. Been working so hard at work today. Colleagues even told me to slow it down (probably showing them up I guess)
Today we passed through an area where 2 years ago I visited for a job interview when I was unemployed for 2 months and on my knees morale wise... My son was due to be born that month. Life was not good at the time.
I will hold this memory in my thoughts moving forward as I was in a dark place back then and I worked hard over the next two years to engineer a better life for me and my family. Then I threw it away most recently. But you know what... I'll be back. Like I promised in my first post. Gambling can do one.
I'm glad we passed through that area today.
Day 80.
Life still tough. Mood still dipping here and there. Fall from grace still firm in my mind. I remain humbled. No bets for me today. Just hard work and dedication. Good luck all.
What we are taking on is best done without a heavy heart , easy to say, but find that selfishness in you and allow it just for you and this purpose,, you will feel better and that will reflect on people around you. Movin on, keeping one step ahead, guard Up bobbyj/rainman
Hi
Bobby thanks for the link. Watched it, felt strength after. Much appreciated.
ALN - Cheers for the tips about the books. Ill keep them close. Yes DEFINITELY need some resolve today. Another tyre went on my car today. More outlay. Also paid my PCN. It's only halfway through the month! Probably working too much as well and not spending enough time at home with family.
Something has definitely happened to me re. sport. Today I sat in silence in the car and did not even want to turn the radio on. I didn't even know England were playing in the week or tomorrow until someone told me. I was interested in the recent boxing result but didn't want to watch it... Only interested in finding out the result. I think I am leading a more introspective life... I'm looking for answers not looking for escape... How many sport watchers could say the same thing... Or how many sport watchers are even acutely aware of the relationship between sport and escapism? Maybe it's a healthy form of escapism? Not for me because it wasn't enough... I started betting on it for a higher endorphin hit.
Those stats you mentioned are thought provoking. Please explain to me why you think someone would attend meetings but continue to gamble? Is it that they believe they are 'damage limiting' the amount they gamble by going to meetings around the gambling? See, to me... The next bet will break my heart and destroy what's left of my soul. I will truly know it's all over if I make the next bet... Even if it's for minimal money and even if I walk away after. Because many many times for me waves of destruction have come sometime after the next bet (no matter how small). I can't make the next bet. I just can't. I see every day GF as a bet placed in the morning which I won, that'll do for me.
I wholeheartedly believe GA protects me from the next bet. If I were to f**k up, I believe GA would pick me up off the floor and I would have to start again (without my wife, son and a place to live).
If I gambled around GA meetings I would seriously have to speak to GA members and work out what the f**k I was doing wrong and why I was intent on wasting my time.
Hello Signalman,
Maybe attending GA is seen as a smokescreen that tells others "im dealing with it" even if thats not the truth. The hardest step for me was always the first "acceptance". Admitting defeat and holding your hands up to the world telling them "i was wrong, i was out of control" in anything is not easy. Espically when we are so mentally low from the crushing ride of compulsive gambling, often over MANY years. To say "i can't stop or get out of this on my own". To ask for the help of others, really, how many people in everyday life use the power of saying these words about any struggle?
The freedom that becomes of this and the power of sharing and supporting others with true honesty and integrity is life changing but we have to choose it fully to change our lives over the long term. Its not a quick fix to just stop gambling but its the start of any recovery and we have to ride it out. Time away give us the perspective and oppertunity to work on the "why(s)" of our addiction.
Be proud of what you've done so far mate, look after yourself.
All the best.
Thanks guys. Great perspective and support as always.
Yeah I did think after posting earlier that I felt bad for sort of condemning people that gamble around GA meetings. It's up to them really... Relatively speaking it may help minimise the damage from gambling day-to-day... Or you could say at least they are trying to do 'something'. Ultimately it dawned on me that if people gamble around GA meetings then they are probably more f****d than me and if anything I should offer a stronger hand in reaching out... And who knows... That could be me one day. If it is then I could read back my previous post and laugh at my naivity.
Also who am I to judge what people do... It's up to them. Autonomy is autonomy... Do what you want with it. My olive branch is always there though and that's what's important to me.
Yeah life keeps dealing me s**t hands for now but that's life. I think a 'GA' perspective has definitely helped me handle curve balls and taught me not to take these things personally... Life is not mapped out with good fortunes after bad fortunes... It's pretty random I guess. A better mindset would be to really look at how much these things actually bother me and whether they deserve the attention and anxiety I give them. My wife is well, my son is well... I sleep in a bed... I have a job... GA has taught me to be grateful. Before GA I would be full of angst and looking to right my wrongs (down the bookies)
I hope someone toying with the idea of GA reads this and just gives it a go (note to that person - your life may feel rock bottom after a gambling splurge but who's not to say more s**t could go wrong after... GA helps to offer you a way of looking differently at things - and that's pretty much it. People say 'it saved my life' etc but these comments and similar are all bi-products of a different way of looking at things... that's the best way I can describe it anyway).
Congratulations Signalman on 80 days GF. Your attitude to recovery has been exemplary and you have shown great courage, wisdom and understanding. Regardless of how you feel, just keep going forward and don't look back. The rest of your life starts now and how it all pans out will be greatly influenced by your actions.
I do enjoy reading your diary. The recent posts regarding GA attendees who continue to gamble reminded me of two people who did exactly that. Given time they felt compelled to admit to their foolishness and opened up to the group. It reminded me of a song 'sjw' once recommended. "TALK" by COLDPLAY. It tells of someone who feels left out, misunderstood and lonely but who wants to be a part of the bigger picture. However, confusion and uncertainty held them back. Definitely worth a listen.
I wish you peace, contentment and happiness as you continue on your gamble free journey. Maybe also a few jolly adventures, intrigue and love . Without doubt, you have what it takes to beat this addiction ...stephen
Self Sufficient Stephen wrote:
The rest of your life starts now and how it all pans out will be greatly influenced by your actions.
Needed to hear that Stephen. Thanks so much for passing by and posting that. Kudos to you! :o)
I also enjoy your diary and it has helped me very much. Very philosophical and insightful. Thanks.
2 quick ones...
1) just been listening to the great man Andy Margett... He very much reminded me today that the first 12-18 months of this is tough and focus on importance... Right now I'll just focus on being a good dad and husband... All the peripheral stuff re gambling addiction and the politics behind it probably don't need thinking about too much right now in my present situation... Me passing comment on these things is probably just projection from me onto the gambling industry because I'm angry with it and licking my wounds... 'get over yourself' springs to mind... I f****d up, I engineered this situation... I deal with the aftermath. Passing comment and judgement on things that dont have too much bearing on both my internal and external worlds have no perceived benefit to those I've hurt in the process so why not focus my energy on making good to them instead. I hope this comment helps put things in perspective a bit for you ALN... ie people are always going to do what they want to do because they have the potential to choose. Let them... As a species we wouldn't have been endowed with the capabilities to make decisions (good or bad) if we weren't supposed to use these capabilities. Anyway failure is the best way to learn ive been told.
2) just read a brief account of a persecuted Jewish lady during WW2. puts things into perspective. Yeah my hand sucks right now but surely I need to be grateful for what I do have going for me when juxtaposed with others who had to endure far more pain and misery than the gambling industry could ever dish out even if it tried. Life could be far, far worse... With little to no hope of a better future. At least I have that to keep me going.
All - stop and spare a thought for what could have been rather than being consumed by what is. Identify the hope you have... Identify the means by which you can attain this hope then realise this hope. Some people never had the luxury of being able to do this. We do.
Day 81
Up early for work. Busy day ahead. And tomorrow. Physically exhausted. Must keep going. Gambling has humbled me. I'm not the special one after all. Just a guy with problems like everybody else. If I work hard at life things will get better. Have a good day all.
Well done Signalman - 81 days is great. Thx for posting in my thread.
I know you debts will take a while to work - but you have a young son - enjoy every moment as they grow up quick, and time spent with them will be more remembered than the stuff you buy,
Keep on with you journey and never lapse.
Hey Signalman! Just wanted to say thanks for your supportive and rather unjudgemental post over weekend. Really what I needed to hear and am ever so grateful. Still gamble free as of this morning. A massive well done to you on 82 days gamble fell. I looking forward to helping you see in 100! Best wishes, Mark
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