NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

Thanks so much guys. Thanks for the kind comments and support.

Day 82... Holding onto a fairly obvious but effective quote to help me through the day... Change is inevitable but it doesn't have to be a struggle... Why not make it an adventure instead.

Good day all.

How you doing signal, hope you’re ok. Moving on keeping one step ahead, guard Up bobbyj/rainman

Hello Signalman

Congratulations on an immense achievement. I'm in absolute awe to be honest. You deserve the serenity the results of your hard work will bring to you and your family.

Thanks for dropping by to leave some words on my diary. Was in a very bad place for a while, more than usual and haven't been on the forum recently. I've come to think gambling is like a big iced cake. The gambling is the outer layer (icing) and once you've removed it all you've still got this cake underneath with all the "ingredients" (problems) that were there before and still need dealing with. It's tempting to think if we remove the outer layer, the gambling, it takes with it all our problems and we are at peace but the "cake" is laid bare in all its glory reminding us that whatever was there before we gambled is still there now. It's a difficult realisation. You must think this cake analogy is a bit bonkers but you get what I mean ( I hope! ). Keep going, you should be chuffed to bits with how well you've been doing, you are earning the right to be pleased with your progress even though you mention you have been humbled by this gambling thing.

Hi guys

Thanks for the checking in. Have sort of swerved the diary for a few days but did manage to get to my meeting this week...

I thought I'd been doing well but my wife expressed reservations about the ever increasing obsession I am developing with 'not gambling'. She said that she feels I have become addicted to 'not gambling'. Consequently this is all I ever talk about and she finds it tiring and hard to relate to at times. She also said I am prioritising spending time with her and my son to write or read diaries... She also noticed how dejected I was when I recently read 2 people's diaries who both relapsed after a length of time under their belt... She said it seriously affected me and she was right. I placed a lot of my eggs in their basket so to speak... Without realising I guess.

She worries about our future and said she is having thoughts about moving on with my son due to the significant changes that now manifest in my behaviour. She said it has naff all to do with the money... More the addiction manifesting itself in other ways in my character now with the whole 'not gambling' and 'recovery'. Its wearing her out I guess... She just wants to move on from this nightmare (so do I of course) but I'm not sure she's up for a life where I am obsessed with the recovery on a 24/7 basis and also she doesn't want our son to grow up around someone who is 'here today, gone tomorrow' so to speak - by that I mean present when the going is good but falls apart when experiencing a setback (ie hearing about other people's relapse then it affecting my own resolve). She and he need someone more consistent in their life... Who uses recovery to learn and live... Rather than someone who continuously learns and forgets to actually live.

So the ball is in my court. I need to be more present as a husband and a father. I can't argue with anything that she has said. It has rocked me a bit and was a slap in the face... But one I guess i needed. I will accept all that she has said (as mentioned she is
100% right - I've done silly stuff lately like asked her to stay in one evening to spend time together then sat on my phone throughout reading recovery stories, also I've been ignoring my son lately and choosing to reject his advances in favour of talking about the latest podcast or recovery's story I've read online)... if I place too much onus on other people's stories I'll forget to write my own... The future is mine... I have realised that now but keep hanging around in the proverbial reception area being too scared to venture out and actually seize it now. I am annoyed with myself but not altogether demoralised as I have a chance to fix this and I guess a lot of recovering gamblers have experienced this. It's good anyway that all this has come about because like most people on here... I have amends to make... I sort of forgot that for a while so now it's time to start making them.

So moving forward gambling has robbed me of many things (pride, self-esteem, confidence) but it won't rob me of my wife, son and home. If I buck up my ideas the future will be bright. Taken an executive decision to reduce frequency of posting to one or twice a week and will check in on other people sporadically and in less of a regimented and obsessive fashion than previously.

Its amazing now I've realised that 'an addict is an addict' - I'd probably become addicted to sitting on the loo if I did it intensively for a few weeks :o) tip - be selfish in your recovery but not too selfish like I have been.

Need to get addicted to living life or the consequences could be grave for me. In summary my behaviour has regressed to similar traits as we're evident when I used to gamble... It's just the addiction is not gambling now. What used to grind down my wife when gambling was not the winning and losing of money, it was the absent dememaour, moodswings and disengagement from her and my son... She doesn't deserve more of the same.

Anyway stay in touch all... I hope people stick around to support me through this horrible but life-changing experience... Despite being more of a peripheral player from here I'm still fully committed to the game and will offer help and advice to anyone who wants or needs it.

Ps I remain gamble free (don't worry ALN) day 86 now... Gambling a distant thought of no relevance... There was even talk of receiving a 90 day pin early next year at my meeting which I'm really looking forward to... It will make me proud.

Pps. I'm still majorly skint until the end of the month but travelling for a week next week without wife and child so the time away will be good to clear my head and gain impetus for focusing on family life when I return from the trip. By the time I return it will be payday, hooray! Going to find a meeting where I'm located next week and hope they take me in. Will try to post something while I'm away to check in + I will see how you are all doing.

Keep it GF guys... Take care all. So glad my wife has knocked some sense into me with this ultimatum... The whole idea is to LIVE a life that transcends addiction, not constantly live in fear of it and hide behind recovery because I'm too scared to come out and face it head on. I hope people understand where im coming from. Peace to you all.

Ps...

https://youtu.be/XwYASU-YVcw

I found this quite interesting. Not so much the religious context but the insight into the brain, the moral argument in favour of the addict and the distinct message of hope at the end of the video.

Great post Signalman,

I'm sure many people partners think the same in the early days, but I'm sure your focus balance will switch towards your family and living life as time goes by.

I would say this. People's support is always appreciated and I'll be eternally grateful for a few people who have posted on my diary. However, you can't walk the walk for them, they have to do it themselves.

Never invest too much in other in other peoples recoveries. Chances are they may let themselves down.

Take it easy,

Hi signal, good to see you, just watched that link, interesting. Glad to hear you moving forward with your family and i new someone who quit gambling but became addicted to not gambling and all the online site and ga meetings, it became so bad that they would be up all night and it caused them a lot of time off work and in the end had to be counselled for that and not the gambling!! It was very serious.. Took quite a while to settle but it did, but left scars, if you know what i mean.. I’m glad your mrs told you before it went on any further. Good luck mate. Moving on keeping one step ahead guard Up bobbyj/rainman

Thanks so much all. Yeah just need to focus on those close to me and do the best by them for now... Will keep checking in from time to time and following as many stories as time allows.

Sadly our cat has become poorly and needs ongoing treatment... Which isn't covered by insurance apparently because we just switched policy. Am pretty sad about this but also self-aware that in the past when I feel aggrieved or unsure how to handle a situation I escape into gambling. It was funny... When we got the news gambling came into my head. But thanks to recovery I sent it packing. Developing self-awareness is key in confronting gambling and developing mastery over it... Running from gambling keeps it at bay and all that but if you run out of steam one day it can soon catch you up. Plus running is tiring and who wants to run for the rest of their life. Good weekend all.

Hello Signalman

As I have decided not to keep up my Diary any more I thought I'd write you a brief post to say a massive "Thank You". You are very generous with your time and support towards many and you decided to donate some of that to me by choice. I feel privileged and am grateful. From now on I think I'll read a little, post a little, learn some but let the diary go.

All the best with your cat, I do hope he/she improves very soon.

Many thanks for posting on my diary Signalman. I appreciate your support and encouragement.

Congratulations on your continued good progress and respect for your invaluable contribution to the diaries.

Christmas will certainly have a lot more cheer with us being gamble free. Wishing you happy days, peace and contentment...stephen

Hi all

Hope you are all well. Loneliness, emptiness and fear are definitely breeding grounds for addictions, I have learned. Must avoid at all costs.

I am travelling alone this week. Within 30 minutes of getting on the plane I caved in and long story short I woke up in a completely different hotel to where I was supposed to be... This is not unfamilar territory for me, looking back on that 24 hours - let's just say its amazing that when an addict wants, an addict will seek out and get... It doesn't matter where you plonk him or her. Have been pretty sullen about the whole ordeal though... It's not where I want to be anymore :o( I am worn out with my life.

At least I didn't gamble. No urges either. Actually in the midst of that 24 hours I had a sort of epiphany where I felt bad... Discontent and bad with the situation I was in. That's unusual for me and to be honest it prevented events leading on from that getting out of hand.

Sorry to speak in riddles somewhat but the intricacies are not important really, what's important is that I am FINALLY worn out with the life of an addict and am proud my senses brought a premature ending to proceedings in that sequence of events at least.

The aforementioned emptiness and fear were probably attributed to disembarking from a plane and not really knowing where I needed to go next... What's interesting is that instead of addressing the issue I ran for addictive behaviour as a means of avoidance... The next day was spent questioning whether I really know myself anymore and questioning where I go (metaphorically) from here. Point being... Anyone down the path a bit on this journey will start to see that gambling needs to be arrested at source... Blocks, reliniquishing financial control, keeping busy etc are all just the initial steps needed to be taken. My journey has just taken a sharp corner anyway.

In other light hearted news... Unfortunately the only place I could exchange money today was in the casino :oO
I had no choice. It was a drab affair to say the least. It's so true that after gambling when you are forced to confront it at some point you won't see the glitz and the glamour anymore, just sad and withdrawn faces. Needless to say I didn't hang around in there.

So anyway... My journey continues. 92 not out. Gambling is low down the agenda these days, but character defects are rife still and need addressing. Keep it going guys.

Well done for not hanging around in the casino after exchanging money. I like the way you write your thoughts and I enjoy reading your content. Maybe you should make writing a hobby you never know where it might take you. Sky is the limit 😉

8 more days and you're a centurion. Hang in there pal. All the best.

Pras

You have come such a long way I'm really happy for you and your continued abstinence from the demons keep up the splendid work my friend.

Thankyou so much for your kind words on my diary it meant a lot!

Dx

Hey all

96 days today. Been a tough 96 days but feeling like I've turned a corner, especially after my recent trip. The future is mine for the taking - it's there if I want it....and I do of course.

Life has thrown so much s**t at me over the last 96 days but thanks to the support of my family and friends (some old, some new) I'm still standing and stronger for it. 96 days ago I thought I was on top of the world, only for it to come crashing down around me. Truth be told... I wasn't on top of the world, I was a ticking time bomb. Self-destruction was my speciality. But this time I have finally worked out what I want from life and will seize it with both hands. I will only build this time... This isn't a game of Jenga anymore for me... This is my son's, my wife's and my future in my hands... Life built this time on my expectations not on everyone else's.

A gambling problem has not much to do with the act of gambling... It is the symptom of a deeper malaise. That's what I believe anyway. Engage in a process of self-discovery and you should tap into that malaise... Then deal with it. Whilst you're engaged in this process put blocks in and all that because the malaise just doesn't disappear overnight... You can get on top of gambling but you will never beat it... Because the malaise once identified is deep-rooted in your existence - therefore it can only be managed and not eradicated. Once youre on top you'll need to stay on top one day at a time. Always remember if you EVER let your guard down gambling will be right there ready to punch you square in the face, don't ever underestimate gambling... Keep working on managing that malaise every day and gambling will find it hard to keep up with your evolution. This process is a lifelong commitment. Sorry but that's the hand you and I were dealt... Deal with it. Could be worse you know... At least you and I have an 'out'... With some afflictions there is no choice in outcome.

Ps just wanted to direct people to @Matt 24's beautiful last post. If you need a bit of inspiration right now... Matt we salute you.

Keep it going all.