Well im back. I manged 6 months of gamble free. Got straight with money and bam..... out of nowhere i find every reason i can to gamble just because my life is Sh** and i deserve it.... how very wrong was i. How bloody weak of me and how stupid to think id be ok. So for the last 6 months ive been gripped by the evil addiction and got it to another hole i didnt need to be in. So here i am again hoping i will not give in. I dont want this anymore. I dont want the stress and anxiety it causes. Need to find my determination and kick this for good.
A few weeks of no gambling up to now and i want it to continue x
I have had the worst week. Gambled all my wage. Paid most of the bills so thats a plus. I feel the lowest i have in a long time. I now have no access to my on line banking as this was the issue so as of today i cannot trasfer money. I dont have a card i can use on line so my only hope is without the means i wont get the chance to waste anymore money.
Yesterday i was willing to end my life knowing i was trapped in this cycle of addiction. I have 2 kids ffs. What am i doing what was i thinking. I have to stop this now. I have to speak to OH tonight about it (hes working away at the mo) hes so worried for me and i have no answers for him as to why i keep doing what i do. I can not explain to him how it grips me and sucks me in with every deposit and every loss. I mean how did this even happen ? How does some one like me who wont treat myself without it being a bargain coz i wont waste money even end up wasting every penny i get on the on line slots ?? I dont have a clue. So im here to keep myself in check. Keep reading all your posts and remind myself that.... im lucky. Lucky it could be worse. Lucky i have the partner i have and friends i have and lucky to be here... heres to a gamble free future x
Hi Emzy
Not sure if anyone has mentioned to you that Gamcare offers counselling. Is it something to think about? There is always other options like GA? Yes / No?
Yes ive just been reading up on it. Im sure it is something i will take up in the next few days. Just trying to speak with family first and get everything out in the open. Tough times a head for sure but ive decide it has to be now. Ive had counselling in the past for other issues and found it never really helped as i really do know what has to be done. But yes i will be seeking support and not thinking i know better. Thankyou
Spok with OH. Hes so understanding. We will talk properly when hes home. How lucky am i that i found this man who trusts me to find my way and support me. Surrounded by thoughts of i will mess this up but thats just the cycle. Touturing myself so i have an excuse to gamble but i cant so what do i do... need to find a plug to fill this gap i feel i have. Looking forward to getting my smile back and my life ... hate the first week x
Feeling pretty terrible. Feel like ive lost something... that somethings missing.... reality ive actually not lost what i would of and why would i miss it. Its so strange. A battle with myself about one go thats all. Nope you cannot have any goes. And so the battle begins. No means of actually playing ie excluded. No access to my bank and no money so what is this touture all about... be so glad when i have a day without the battle. X
Still feeling P**P but be happy when i feel a little normal. I suppose i just dont know what to do with myself. I didnt gamble everyday but i think because i know i cant is making me think about it everyday. Looking in to courses to do along side my full time job just to get an intrest in something. .... i read on a post today that filling the void helps so thats what im goong to try to do. I know its early days but going 6 months last time i think my down fall was not having anything to turn to when i felt down. I used to be a very busy person with the kids and work. But the last few years ive just done nothing other than work. Home. Tv/gamble. Bad cycle and routine i got in to.....time to break it x
Feeling better this week. OH was home for the weekend. We had a chat about things. He says he doesn't understand it but will support me. Just sad that I let everyone down. Trying to be positive though x
Feeling more positive with each day that passes. Trying to sort out my money situation. That's the hardest part... facing the destruction I've caused but all part of the healing. Signed up for 1 course already and have another starting in September. Between that full time work and the kids I should have very little time let my mind wonder to one more go thoughts. All blocks in place. So feeling hopeful x
Just been and signed up for my Reiki course in September. Putting things in place to look forward to x
Hi emzy.
It's so great, you have an understanding OH. You should consider getting them involved, by giving them control over your finances, such as keeping your bank cards etc... Many of us have done it or are doing it right now.
You need to get all the blocks in place you can, as well as looking to fill up as much spare time as you can. Good to see you are starting a course, I found joining a gym helped me greatly, with filling time.
You actually achieved a long abstainance from gambling, so know you can do it again and this time get even further. Sadly as far as the urges go, they will happen, even years down the line, but with blocks in place & keeping busy, they do become, less often and more easier to overcome.
I have no access to my bank on line. My OH has taken the 3 digits off my card. So I feel safe in that respect. I just worry the urge will never go. I'm trying hard but I feel exhaust with it.
Thanks for the reply steve70
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