Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more

Day Nine and feeling fine! Absolutely not to say I don't think about gambling or don't have urges. Take an example from yesterday, I needed to collect something from the post office. I parked the car and went to the meter to pay. The shortest time cost 60p, but I only had a pound and a 20p (and of course it didn't give change) but for £1.20 I could have twice as long. I refuse to give the council more than they are entitled to, so paid the £1.20 for twice as long. Now, what to do? Getting the letter from the post office would take all of 5 minutes, and I now had another 25 minutes to kill! I sure as hell know what I would have done before, but instead of going in to the bookies, I went to the supermarket and spent £15 on a top-up shop. A simple thing, most people would never think twice about, but for me, it was a successful challenge, a previously troublesome situation in which I managed to avert any crisis.

Day 10 - yep, double figures! It's small beer in the grand scheme of things, but we've all got to start somewhere. Had one of those unfortunate e-mails which always crop up at the wrong time. It was from a bona fide proofed tipster, who's doing very well with his golf selections. Great - for him that is - not for me. Whilst I would love to get involved and take a chance of his best performance being continued in the future, I know that I just can't. It would be great to re-coup some of those loses, but in order to follow his advice, I'd need to open a betting account and that means the TROUBLE! So, yep, of course there were thoughts when I read it about how great it would be, but I managed to think through them, delete it and forget about such crazy ideas ... for now at least.

Hey dude,

You've really got to let the losses of the past go, you won't be able to do it yet for sure but you have to face that they are gone for good. Whats surprising is the speed at which the gains of the future will come to you when you don't have that pervading urge to waste every pound you have...

Block sender and move on if i were you, if you're like me you will have written those selections down and you'll be looking at what could have/should have been and its just not healthy to transfix on it.

Congrats on your day 8/9 successes!

Cheers HP! Nope, I didn't even bother looking to be honest, so I will never know. I think I like it better that way!

Day 11 - Here's a novelty - watching sport without feeling guilty (sports was my main betting angle)! Even on the odd ocassion that I didn't have a bet on whatever sport I was watching, I still felt guilty. I suppose that must have meant even when I was "in action" there must have been a little bit of me that knew it was wrong? No plans, or uncontrollable desire, to gamble today.

Hmm, well it's the England game tonight, so I thought I'd just see what the odds on an England victory (against a side ranked 48th) were. I deemed them to be pretty good (despite how awfully England played against the ROI), the next thing I know I am looking up the best odds and seeing which bookies I could open an account with.

Flippin' eck! The good news is I won this game of rather poor taste with the gambling devil. But it just shows me once again how d**n vigilant I need to be. Unfortunately working in the job I do, there is no point installing any blockers as I can circumvent them within less than a minute, which leaves the only other option of purposely creating an account and immediately self-excluding, which right now (or maybe even ever) sounds far too dangerous to even contemplate! Even as I type this I still have a little of that anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach, I'm just glad it's because I've scared myself with what could have been, rather than being sickened with what I have actually gone and done. Anyway, on that note, come on Slovenia!

Day 12 - swerved those temptations yesterday. Still not certain on whether I have a future with my wife, we're working on it, but I have to understand that even if I try my hardest and succeed it may still not be enough because of the sizeable and repeated breach of trust that she's been subject to. When I say that, she tells me that it sounds like I don't care. Nothing could be further from the truth, but I have to be realistic and cover all bases, otherwise, if that worst did happen, I might not be in a strong enough place mentally to cope without resorting to Mr. Addiction.

Hi Whatami

Thanks for the supportive post on my diary. Well done to you on your 10+ days of abstinence. Small change at present, but those days soon add up. In my experience (I've been here a while) it is the first few weeks that are the most important.

Keep making the right choices. Life is too precious to waste on gambling.

Curly.

It's day 13 and as the dust and euphoria settle the thoughts about controlled gambling have been filling my head. I knew to expect them, because that's just what happens when you try and kick something that's been habitual for the best part of 25 years. It's my post #13 I've been keeping in my head, that's helped me, as I said before it totally clicks with me, it seems such a good way of explaining and handling the situation and because of that I'm not going to get worked up about these thoughts, as that's all they are, just some misfiring neurons in my brain. Things could be so much worse, I've cleared my debt already and at present still have a family, it is only my continued recovery which will stand me any chance of keeping these things as they are.

It's been a busy 24 hours and I didn't get to post yesterday, but busy is good for a CG, no time to think about let alone take part in gambling. Today is Day 15, so I have 2 weeks under my belt - my "free fortnight"!

Day 16 - feeling a lot better in myself, dare I say almost happy? I think in part helped by the fact I have re-adopted the 5:2 diet for the last week and my waistline already appears to be benefitting.

Wow, it's been a long time, and I don't imagine it is a surprise to anyone that whilst I have been away I have not abstained. Not going to think about how much I have lost in the last 20 months, it's gone, it's over, move on. I have been attending a CBT/Psychodynamic psychotherapy counselor for the last 5 weeks though and whilst I have still been gambling, the fog has been starting to clear and I have been challenging myself before placing a bet, which was a start even though, I lost the challenge and gambling won. That was until today. I actually got 'in front' for my recent episode and withdrew the lot. I then proceeded to plough about 3/4s of it back in, but I paid some debts and then self-excluded from the two online accounts I opened. I felt empowered, I felt good.

I am genuinely enjoying the therapy sessions and exploring who I am, why I am and what I am. It's painful and I am not ashamed to say there have been many tears, but it is helping me put things into perspective and challenge my autonomous, learnt and habitual behaviour. Right now, I'm in euphoric high I have experienced before when being determined to give up and I know that doesn't last. Things will get tougher, but it's one day at a time. I feel different this time, I feel I am more able to cope, but I don't want to set myself up for a fall. Just looking at my previous entry and then at my waistline, seems I let that one go too, maybe something else to concentrate on instead of gambling?

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Thanks for the post Dith. I've just re-read my diary too and I am quite uncomfortable now, given how ultra positive I sounded then, much like now, and yet I know how soon that all came tumbling down. I said I felt different that time too but ultimately failed after a short space of time. Having had someone, in my counselor, REALLY listen and help me gain insight does make me feel different but that situation, because I do feel different about myself, which really resonates with your paragraph about selfworth/esteem. I'd have been beating myself up about the damage I have caused, but just like my loses, it's done, it's over, move on. I guess that could already sound complacent, but it's not, I know the damanged I have caused, it just I am choosing not to dwell on it, which I believe would inevitably lead to me failing again. So, anyway, here's to get through Day One, we'll call the 12 hours of not gambling yesterday a warm-up.

OK, here on Day Two, officially about 5 hours until it will be 48 hours since I last bet. The weirdest thing is where I find myself in those situations where I'd have just picked up my phone and logged on to a bookie's account without even really thinking about it, just instinctively. Given my job, all blocking technology on any device is pointless, I can circumvent it in a few minutes, so it has to be about occupying my time instead and trying to move away from gambling thoughts. So far, so good.