One day at a time

Well done Magsy a great acheivement,i completely agree with your statement and it will now be my new mantra ''never give up on giving up''

Best wishes to you and everyone else who is on this journey, may we continue to be strong and proud!

Annie x

Who would've thunk it - 26 days of not gambling.

Thanks for your comments Gailyt39 and Annie_25. I hope your recovery journeys are going well too.

Have had a little daydreaming of playing online slots but no actual playing either real or pretend.

Every time I log onto this site even just reading the titles of the recovery diaries on here upsets me. The desperate state this awful addiction puts people into. I've been there many times and got plenty of Tshirts I can tell you. If I could pinpoint what makes this time so different for me and pass it on to others I would in a heartbeat. But I think recovery from addiction is a process that is individual to every addict. The lucky ones can overcome their addiction quickly but for the vast majority of us it is a long process where we take one step forward and two steps back, then one step forward and one step back and then finally one step forward, then another and then another.

The time spent gambling and the after effects of shame and self loathing and re-calculating debts have occupied my mind and also distracted me from unhappiness with my life. Because I've started to feel better about myself I've started to want more from the people in my life. I've changed but they haven't yet. I'm feeling quite lonely. Previously I would have 'distracted' myself by the gambling/self loathing cycle. Not now though. Gambling won't make me feel good. It never has and never will.

When I can focus my mind again I will set myself some goals.

Not now though cos I'm still taking things one day at a time xxx

Yay Magsy you are doing brilliantly, just keep doing what your doing , you are almost a month GF that is an amazing achievement.

I guess everything else falls in place over time, but as you say one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.

have a gentle weekend

Annie x

Hey magsy,

One day at a time sounds awesome ! I love doing it one day at a time myself ! You're doing a great job keep fighting . Abstain and maintain 🙂

Sars

4 weeks and 1 day gambling free.

Thanks Sars n Annie for your comments x

Well I have to qualify that, I mean of no gambling on online s!ots. I put 1 euromillion ticket on each week and yesterday I had a fiver bet on York races (paid for by my son) but only cos the lads in the family went on their annual trip to York races and I normally put a bet on to try n get more winners than them. I don't think 2 horseracing bets a year of a fiver each can be classed a gambling addiction.

Well glad I cleared that up, lol.

I am particularly pleased that I didn't gamble online this weekend. Saturday nights are normally quite stressful and gambling used to focus my mind away from my bad feelings and I have to admit that it felt better feeling bad about my gambling than feeling worthless, ignored and unloved. This Saturday was a lot more stressful. I normally have our youngest grandson sleeping with me and my partner has the two older grandsons. Well we argued cos I picked our son up from the town after coming back from York races and then when I came back he had all 3 grandsons in bed with him. So I was alone in our bed and him and the boys in the other room. I felt bad as usual but instead of turning to gambling I just played free app store games and also arranged to meet my friend the next day. AND although I know it's not nice but I took great pleasure in the fact that they woke him up at 5.30am and he was ill with a stiff neck and a headache all Sunday. So while he suffered I had fun playing with the grandsons and then a cuppa n chat with my best friend !ater. Karma!

So not only am I twenty-nine days online gambling free, I'm also feeling worthwhile instead of worthless and that makes me feel stronger emotionally. And also I realise that I'm with my man cos I love him n not cos he's another paypacket. Only there's some things in our relationship that I'm not happy with and it's only now I've stopped gambling that I feel worthy enough to try and change them.

This life malarky is hard work!

4 weeks and 3 days of no online slots gambling.

I don't miss it at all.

I don't feel like a gambling addict. I feel like a normal person.

I don't feel the need to post on here everyday so will just try and give a weekly update.

I can't see myself relapsing but if I do I know to come to Gamcare to get the help I need.

Thank you to everyone one on here for sharing your experiences. I wish you all the best on your recovery journeys xxx

Hi Magsy

Well done you are doing wonderful, keep going you over one month noew, a whole month GF.

Wishing you continued strength in your GF journey

Annie x

5 weeks and 1 day since I last gambled on online slots.

Whoopee!!!

Thanks for your comment Annie. I hope you are doing great too x

Well done magsy ! Keep up the good work ! You've inspired me 🙂 please don't give up. Onwards and upwards.

Stay GF!

Sars

I'm glad my post helped deflect you from playing...
But it was you who actually didn't do it...so mega respect for that...and for the five weeks of saying no !
Just keep taking it a day at a time....like you did last night..if an urge comes...and they will in the early weeks...come on here...read..rant. .whatever it takes untill it's passed.....
You can do this hun...x

Thanks for your comments Loxxie and Sars.

It's been six weeks gf for me. This last week has been the hardest. Friday was the 1st anniversary of my Mams death and I miss her. So very very much. She was not a Mam that hugged and kissed you and never said she loved me which was something I craved from her. But I know she did love me.

I feel so empty without her, without gambling and it hasn't helped being off on the sick for the past 11 weeks after my hysterectomy.

I've wanted to gamble all this week but don't want to start at day 1 again and don't want to go into the red on my bank account.

I even tried to persuade myself to gamble and treat it like a 'test' to see if I could stop at £10, then realised the trap I was falling into when I mentally changed the limit to £50.

But I haven't.

At the moment it seems more like one minute at a time than one day at a time x

Well I caved and joined 2 online sites and have been gambling on the slots for the last 12 hours. I knew I couldn't go to sleep with credit on the account so I upped my stake to lose it quickly cos I am so tired. Then I've just self excluded from both sites. Luckily I set myself deposit limits before I started playing.

I'm so tired so will end here and post more tomorrow afternoon.

Hi Magsy. I don't have much to add other than to offer my sympathy for relapsing. This is a tough addiction. You've had the guts to admit you've slipped up on your diary. Now, it's time to pick yourself back up and keep going again.

I really don't know what's the matter with me. Well maybe I do. I'm lonely and gambling occupies my mind and time.

When my Mam was alive I was busy with work and seeing her every day plus looking after my family. Part of seeing my Mam was also seeing my brother and having our gambling sessions.

For the past year I've felt so lost, and the hysterectomy and being off work didn't help.

I really thought I was part of a close knit family but spending so much time by myself while recoving from my operation made me realise I'm not.

Now I'm back at work and feel out of my depth. I have no close friends. My partner spends his time working, sleeping and 3 nights out of 7 stays over with his disabled Dad. I just don't feel close to him anymore.

I'm feeling detached from my kids and really resent my partner and them expecting me shop, clean and do their laundry when I don't feel they are there for me. It's a chore to talk to people, to pretend I'm fine when I'm not. I keep forgetting things which is quite worrying to me. There's loads of things I need to do but I just can't be bothered. Everything is an effort. I don't even walk the dog and cos I'm the only one who does walk her that means she is just stuck in the house or the garden.

The first month of not gambling was great, a breeze. But not the last week or two.

I should be feeling all those bad feelings I used to when I gambled before but I don't this time. I didn't gamble to win yesterday or today so am not feeling disappointed that I lost. I have access to my partners bank card, I could blow all his money if I wanted - not that I will but that is probably why I know if I spend my money then he will bail me out.

I'm sorry for anyone reading this post cos I feel I should be upbeat, but I'm not. I just hate being me at the moment. Like Pink says in her song 'I don't wanna be my friend no more, I wanna be somebody else'.

Hi magsy,

Sorry to hear about your relapse , I know you can get back on your feet again and I think you need to find a solid barrier to stop you from gambling again . And with regards to you feeling isolated I think seeing a GP is not a bad idea either . You know you can always speak to the gamcare advisers .

All the best,

Sars