Present

Hi Jon, welcome to the diaries and great to hear that the gambling fog is already starting to lift. I haven't done counselling route myself so can't advise about that but others on here have got a lot out of it. My gambling was all online and very secretive so I have found it helpful being financially accountable to my partner (he now handles my money) and also going to GA which is again being open and accountable to the others in my group. Its helped me when the urges struck! Get all blocks in place ready for payday, get someone to help you if you can, it feels great to start breaking the habit and the stranglehold that gambling has over us! Good luck!

Day 7

Not an easy day so far. Finding myself staying at home when i am not working. There is no temptation to gamble and i feel safe. Ive also Found that i am sleeping longer on my days off. And really struggling to get things done.

My partner offered to drop me off at the gym this morning, but i declined. I was actually honest with her and told her that i didnt want to have to come through the town to get home afterwards purely because of the temptation to gamble.

Going to the gym is something i have done for a number of years and enjoy. But in the last year i have used it as a ploy with my partner so i could go and gamble. Its all out in the open now which is a releif.

Looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. It Helps keep me occupied and i enjoy my job.

I found in the past with my addiction to substance misuse that the longer i didnt use the obsession was removed. But ive also had to put the action in keep the obsession away and continue to do that today. I now need to build a new toolbox to help stay gamble free. Fortunately some of the tools i use to help stay substance free are transferable. I just need to start applying them to gambling.

Thanks for the suggestions in regards to putting blocks in place. I have already started.

Firstly, well done on hitting that first milestone of a week. It's a huge achievement. Now you can start to work on maybe finding ways to free yourself from that restrictive feeling. Why not try leaving your wallet at home? You can get a prepaid card from Starling or Monzo for example - and load a tenner on it and take it with you for any emergencies.

I agree with what you are saying about obsession. You need to make sure also when you start to feel better that you don't slip back into old ways. Trial and error new ways you can live your life as normal as possible but also protecting yourself.

Day 8

Feeling pretty good today. Went back to work. It was pretty hectic. To my surprise a work colleague talked about having a gambling problem. I felt uncomfotable and part of me wanted to disclose my own issues with gambling. Not ready for that yet as i worry how people will react in my work place, due to the work i do.

I can lie to myself as much as i want its a lot to do with my ego getting in the way and i dont want to be seen as being weak. Even though i have enough experience of sharing in regards to addiction and Know that sharing can be very freeing and it isnt weakness it is actually strength.

I am currently on an enforced reduction in smoking ( due to my not having any money because of gambling ) if all that i am going to face during this month because of my gambling is not enough to give up i am in trouble.

Theres a saying surrender to win, the evidence is all there that i cannot control gambling so no choice i have to surrender. I have a day off tomorrow so i need to put some action in and get to the gym, meet up with my sponsor and go to a meeting.

Heres to another day free of gambling

Hi Jon

Personally I would urge great caution when considering opening up to work colleagues. You have opened up to your loved one and that will have provided a great relief to you. I think that discussing your problem at work would potentially add back some pressure... as you said some may not react in a good way.

Well done on 8 days GF mate, keep your guard up.

Day 9

Very uncomfotable day so far. I had a freind visit this morning. And at the time i was applying for an online payday loan. I didnt actually submit it and was waiting for him to leave. Then the loan company called regarding the loan and he overheard. Fortunately he knows about the gambling problems i have been going through and has been very supportive. In fact he was the person that signposted me to gamcare.

The most uncomfortable aspect of the conversation we had was him offering to lend me money. Which i accepted. Not a comfortable feeling. It just compounds the shame i already feel.

I was amazed at the amount of interest that so called payday loan companies ask for. Hopefully i will get through to the end of the month without having to tap into this scandalous resource.

Anyway i am quite confident that i will get through another day without gambling. Havent gone to the gym as i planned, but will definately go to a meeting tonight.

I am managing to stick to 2-3 cigarettes a day with the help of nicotine chewing gum. Its progress considering i have smoked 20 plus roll ups a day for the last 30 years.

Turning a negative into a positive. If i continue on the path i am and i manage to give up smoking and continue to stay free of gambling. Then this month will be a good one.

I would never say that i cant gamble again. I like to say i choose not to gamble. As long as i dont start i have a choice.

Hi

You are one of the lucky ones who has a good friend suppsrting you. I wonder if he would be willing to moniter your spending. Paydayloans and the worst thing and can get you into a vicious circle of gambling to get the money back to pay them back. The amount owing grows at the speed of light. You say your fiend lent you money. Please use that wisely - make a pledge that you will spend sensibly and put a little back each week or month so you can eventually pay him back. It is not recomended to bail people out but he is putting his trust in you to do the right thing - if you want to keep him as your support to help recover please respect his generosity and taking the time to help you. You are doing really well and we all know how hard it is and the challenges you are facing and hope you have another gfree day and weekend. Good luck.

Day 10

Fistly thank you for the feedback. Gampareanon. Appreciate it.

Today was a good day, went to work. And was immersed in that. Work is something i am grateful for. because the job i do is very rewarding.

Had thoughts of gambling last night due to seeing adverts on TV. I dont even gamble on line but it seemed appealing last night. I thought about it but didnt act upon it. The thought isnt what does the damage. Ive learnt to use a certain coping strategie from my problems with substance misuse and i call that rolling the tape forward. I know the consequences of using to well (whatever that maybe) i have plenty of eveidence to show where it takes me.

I am taking one day at a time at the moment, still worried about financially how i get through the rest of the month. I have borrowed a small amount of money from a freind which will help for the next week.

I will try to resist the payday loan as long as possible. I couldnt beleive the interest they was asking for. And how they started to call me when i didnt accept there offer.

I am very fortunate the support i have from my partner and my sponsor. They have a good understanding of addiction, i am grateful for that also. It doesnt mean i am exempt from making changes. So i intend to respect there faith and beleif in me and make the changes that need to be made.

I have been attempting to stop smoking since the day i gave up gambling. This has not been easy and i have managed to reduce my smoking to 2 roll ups a day. Which is progress. I am amazed how i am not really missing it and feel confident that by the end of the month i will have given up.

I beleive i have got over the physical dependency, its the habit to crack now.

Its a good feeling when i am not gambling or planning to gamble, its as i have named my diary i am more present. I am grateful the obsession is not on me.

Day 13 (unlucky for some)

I havent completed my diary for a couple of days due to work.

Yesterday was a really difficult day at work i really felt stressed, which is unusual for me. I was glad to get home last night. Yesterday would have been one of them days when i would have gambled (but i didnt).

The stress may have been due to the fact that i have been trying to stop smoking. Even though i was wearing a patch it was really tough. I got through it though.

Today i am at home and will be going to a meeting shortly. I will be seeing a freind who has offered to lend me money, which i am dreading. I need to remember these uncomfortable feelings when i consider gambling. I do not want to go through another month like this. Its been a nightmare so far and its still not over.

Anyway im confident i will not gamble today.

Day 14

Another day gamble free. Unfortunately i have relapsed with smoking. Somebody gave my partner a packet of tobacco. And i decided to have a roll up. Its always the way with me ones never enough.

Overall quite a good day. Managed to get to the gym. On my way there the fact that i used to use the gym as an excuse crossed my mind. This was something i owned to my partner about recently. She trusted me though and i went straight there and back. It was really tough as i havent trained for 3 weeks. But the gym is something i enjoy and i need to continue it to help keep me in a good place.

Off to a meeting tonight. Another thing that is part of my routine that helps keep me stable. I have swerved the odd one in the past to gamble.

The above things are just a couple things that help keep me stable in recovery, which i have done for a number of years now. I have recommitted myself to focusing on my recovery.

Another day nearly over. And i am sure i will get my head down tonight without gambling. I dont want the messy head that goes with it any more.

Day 15

Feeling ok today. Went back to work. Halfway through the day i was informed that i had more responsobility assigned to me which felt slightly overwhelmimg at first. But after thinking about it and looking at the task to see what could be learned from it i convinced myself that it was an opportunity to learn.

If i hold onto situatuations like that and dont question my thinking around them, i can turn and opportunity into your taking the mickey i do enough already. Thats the kind of stuff that could want me to switch off and gamble.

One thing i have learned is my interpretation of events is out of proportion or untrue on a regular basis, even more reason to question my thinking.

At no point did i have the urge to gamble today. I cant lie the thought crossed my mind at 7am this morning while waiting for the bus. I knew it was about a half hour wait, and then came the thought, the arcade is round the corner its open 24hrs i could kill the time by going in there till the bus comes. opportunity was there but no means fortunately.

If i roll the tape forward i know if i continue to gamble i will lose everything. Thats my way i have past evidence regarding addiction once i start i cant stop.

Ive come to far in my recovery from substances to let gambling take everything from me.

I have my counselling assessment tomorrow, which i am a bit nervous about. I wont run though i will see it through and see what happens next.

So tonight i will have another day abstinant and go to bed grateful for what i have. Not regretting what i could have had.

Day 16

Logged in for my couselling assessment today. managed to get through but had difficulties with the sound. Which was frustrating. Didnt manage to complete the assessment due to technical issues. Have to try again next week. Already have the next session booked.

I was slightly nervous and apprehensive leading up to the assessment. Part of me wanted to not do it. But i know thats just the part of my irrational way of thinking that wants me to run. I just need to do the opposite of my first thought and things tend to work out ok.

I have the rest of the day off, not back to work until tomorrow. Starting to fret about money only have enough to get to work this week. Next week i dont know where the moneys coming from to get to work.

Felt ashamed last night my partner told me she had told her daughter about the predicament i have got us into. She has offered to buy us some shopping until i get paid next week. My partner apologised to me for telling her. I told her that it wasnt her fault and i had brought this situation about with my reckless actions. The consequences of my binge gambling and spending all of my salary are still hitting me. And that will continue, especially when pay day comes and i have to repay debts i owe. Putting things in to perspective once i have paid off what i owe and by not gambling, next month will be easy compared to this month.

Well the rest of my day i will catch up with my ironing and later i will go to a meeting.

Not a great day so far, but the positives are i havent gambled or had the urge to.

Keep it up. You are 16 days GF which means you are a lot better off than you would have been had you carried on gambling. Every one of days is a success.

You say next month will be easier financially even after paying your debts, so the future will be better if you stick at it.

I know it is a cliche but I am a couple of days behind you on 14 days and spent the first week or so in utter despair thinking about what I had done the whole time, once I started trying to concentrate on what I can do the make the future better rather than the past which I can't do anything about, I started becoming a lot more positive.

Doubt you were as nervous as me going to my first counselling session. I walked in ok, spoke to the receptionist who offered me drink but unfortunately they were on a table back towards the door - I almost walked straight back out again!

Thanks for the support Muststop.

Will continue to focus on the positives and not the negatives.

Well done on your last 14 days GF keep it up.