Present

Day 17

Todays been quite a difficult day. Went back to work. Had a few issues that had occurred whilst i was off. Had to challenge a few members of staff. Not a very comfortable feeling.

Since i have stopped gambling i have felt the pressue at work, things that would normally have not bothered me have been quite difficult. I suppose it may be because i dont have the gambling to bury my head in.

Despite all of the above i havent felt like gambling. 1 week to payday and i feel prepared better than ever to deal with the obsession that will probably come on me to gamble.

I intend to hand my card over and only have enough money for basics. I also have some people i can reach out to if the urge gets strong.

One thing i am dreading is paying my dad back some money i borrowed last month. I have avoided him all this month because of it. I am going to put my hands up and be honest with him. I have let him down in many ways in the past due to my addiction problems. He has always been there for me though. He doesnt deserve this being nearly 80 years old. he is a really good man. In the past i avoided seeing him for 5 years due to feeling ashamed of how i was living.

Anyway back to work tomorrow for a couple of days, cant complete a diary entry until Saturday night due to being at work.

I have alot of amends to make due to this recent bout of gambling. I have been working a 12 step programme for my substance misuse for the last few years and have just completed step 7. I am about to embark on step 8 (we made a ist of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all) quite ironic ive just made my list longer.

Another day GF and clean something to be completely grateful for. And i havent added any one else to my step 8 amends list i am due to complete.

Jon

You really are heading in the right direction and I have witnessed those difficult days you are facing so can understand some of how you are feeling. It is not an easy road, especially dealing with people at work as well, but you seem to be gaining a lot of self-discipline along the way and you should be very proud of all the ways you are finding to tackle the problem. When you speak to your dad tell him all about the things you are doing to help yourself and the support you are getting. If you try and explain things to him and give him a bit of knowledge about the problem and even show him this site he will see that you are not the only one and maybe he will be able to be more confident that you will have a bright future. Most parents are not very knowledgeable about addiction if they are not faced with it in their lives so it is quite scary when your children fall into the trap. The best thng y ou have done is face your demons and also tell someone i.e. a friend about it. When payday comes ask your friend to look at what has come in and perhaps you can sit down together and work out things for the month. That really does help. You have go through a good amount of gfree days so wish you a good weekend and fingers crossed for payday.

Good luck and take care.

Thanks for the feedback and suggestions Gamparentanon. Its good to get some identification from someone whos been there.Much appreciated.

Day 20

Another day nearly over. Had a difficult weekend with work. Today hasnt been to bad been at home and went to a meeting. Feel pretty safe at the minute. Have had no urges to gamble.

Getting closer to payday, i have put blocks in place so there is less opportunity to gamble. I have set up my payments for bills and money i owe to come straight out of my account when i get paid.

Like i said feeling good. As the week goes on i know i will obsess on gambling just need to voice it and not act.

Day 23

I have my counselling assessment today at 12. I am slightly nervous. It has come at the right time though. I get paid tomorrow and that is the most dangerous time for me.

I have had a few fleeting thoughts in the last few days. Especially how can i withdraw money now i have handed my card over. i know this will lead to missery if i act on this thought. I am determined not to give in. Just have to take it one day at a time. Fortunately i am at work tomorrow so that will help. And i am giving my card to my partner.

I feel confident i will get through this difficult period. The longer i dont act on the thoughts and learn to cope in a different way the more evidence i can draw upon when the urge does come on me. And then i will develope the faith that i dont have to gamble. The evidence is already overwhelming that i cant control my gambling. Yet those thoughts keep coming trying to trick me.

Had my counselling assessment today. It went well. It was good to be able to speak to someone who was impartial. I am going to be joining a group session. I am not new to group work. So it will be interesting to see how it wors in relation to gambling.

I am a great beleiver in group therapy. Still feeling a little bit apprehensive though, mainly because i dont know the format that will be followed. Need to put my money where my mouth is and get on with it.

I have been to a meeting tonight, it was good. Any way payday tomorrow and i have everything in place to keep me safe as possible. If it gets to much i intend to reach out and talk to someone.

Jon

Good luck for today - you are following all the right steps and have worked hard - will be keeping fingers crossed for you.

Day 25

Not an easy day today got paid yesterday. And my head has been on me. Telling me to gamble. Havent given in to it. Have took any opportunity out of my way.

I am of to work today and have handed my card over. I hve to go through the town on my way to work and my head is telling me go early get some money out and just spend a hundred pounds. I know it doesnt stop there. Even if i win i will go back until i lose everything. Not going to happen.

I am not going through another month like the last one it was really tough. Have now paid most of my gambling debts. Just one left my dad. Thats not going to be easy as i have been avoiding him all month. I will be honest with him when i give him the money back. I really feel ashamed.

Anyway confident i will get through today without gambling. The real work starts now that i have money. I can talk the talk now its time to walk the walk.

Day 26

No gambling still even though i have had the finances. The temptation has been there, but i have been able to dispute my thinking reminding myself of the consequences and how bad the last month has been financially.

I have brought myself some new shoes, which i have needed for a few months paid most of my debts and paid all the bills and done a load of shopping. The good thing is i havent avoided doing these things because i am thinking of gambling.

I have limited my access to money by leaving my card at home with my partner and carrying only the money i need. I am not going to fool myself and become complacent. As i know my own mind is capable of lying to me.

I earn a good salary and i have been scrimping and scraping for months when i shouldnt have to worry about money. I need to find my gratitude i once had.

I intend to focus on the day, i only have today i do not no what tomorrow will bring. My head will obviously try to predict, and plan the outcome of events, i rarely get it right. And its such a waste of time. A freind once said to me keep it in the day. One foot in the past and one foot in the future and you are P---ing on today.

Today i am grateful for another day GF.

Day 28

Went to town yesterday. The temptation was there to gamble. But i didnt. My mind drifted to other gambling apart from fruit machines. I found myself entertaining the fact that i could buy a load of lottery cards. It was on me yesterday, but i have some evidence now that i dont have to act on what i am thinking.

Today has been a good day i have been at home and been productive. went to the gym this evening. And will go to a meeting tonight. All in all it has been a good day.

I am now 28 days GF. For me it is day 5 really. The other 23 days i never had money. So i had no choice. I do have a choice now i have money, so i have restricted my access to it.

Well done on 28 days - not long to the big 30!! When you do see him - make sure you tell your Dad all the steps you have taken to help yourself. I know it is daunting approaching him but if he can see the effort you are putting in it will make such a difference. Also, hope others are reading your diary. Such a good idea to write daily and you are providing good tips for recovery for others. Good luck for the rest of the month. Take care.

Day 29

Went back to work today. Very busy day. Still becoming slightly irritated by others especially at work. I know its alot to do with where i am at. Normally i dont let others bother me to much. I think its partly to do with not having my life back in check yet and i still have a few amends to make to people due to my last gambling binge.

I was on my way home from work today and yet again my head is telling me to buy some lottery tickets for tonights euromillions. i had to resist and remind myself ones to many and a thousands never enough. This i know to well from past experience.

If i had have brought the lottery tickets i know i would have been trying to change the way i feel, tough day at work distraction thats what it would have been about. I need to sit with these difficult feelings and accept them. Or even do what i am doing now and communicate in some way with others how difficult some days can be. After all if there wasnt difficult days how would i know what a good day is.

I am off work tomorrow and Thursday, i have plans to attend the gym tomorrow then attend my first counselling group. I am actually looking forward to it.

Over the next couple of days with time on my hands i cannot afford to let my guard down and get complacent. I have put plans in place to restrict my access to money.

I am starting to find my gratitude again for what i have, i have alot to be grateful for today. It was only 4 years ago when i was in the grip of drug addiction and i had lost everything. Today i have a good job, a partner, my family in my life, supportive freinds.

One thing i do have is faith that i can stay GF. Day 30 TMW.

Day 31

Yesterday attended my first group session. Slightly apprehensive at first, but as it went on i found myself becoming more comfortable. Very useful session talking about cravings and urges. Next week will be looking at emotions, that will be a difficult group for me. Will still go through with it though. I ve come to far to start dodging things.

Today has been a good day. I have treated myself and brought some new clothes. As usual going through my local town the thought crossed my mind to go in to an amusement arcade and play the slot machines. I can remember how i was trying to talk myself in to it, just play the 10p slots and only spend a £10. If i had given in to it i would have spent every penny i had on me and i would now be sitting here at home with no new clothes and feeling guilty. And the cravings tomorrow would have been stronger to go back. So i actually feel good and have had a good day.

Went and paid my last debt which was caused by gambling yesterday. I had to return some money to my dad. He was ok considering i had avoided him for the last month. He also knows everything now and i have also told him that i am seeking help.

Tonight i have been invited to a play about addiction and prostitution i am looking forward to it. I will be trying to focus on the similarities in my own past behaviour. Inevatably there will be alot of similarities if i focus on the behaviours and not the subject matter.

As i said really good day today. More evidence in the bank to tell myself that i can challenge my thinking. Past the 30 day mark, so things are going well.

Back to work tomorrow for a couple of days, so no diary for a few days.

Congrats on 30 days and telling your Dad. This proves that talking to people i.e. your dad, counselling sessions etc. does help. You have also used a lot of self-help which you should be proud of. Good luck for the rest of the month. Take care.

Day 34

Really good day today. Been at two meetings and a convention. With others in recovery.

Wasnt to sure i wanted to go the convention at first, im never to comfortable around lots of people. Glad i went though, it wasnt to bad.

Back to work tomorrow night. 2 more shifts and then i am on leave for another week. Cant wait i havent had any leave since July and i can feel myself burning out. Cant separate from work thats why i need leave. To get my head away from it.

Gym tomorrow morning then i am off to work. Will do another entry Tuesday night.

Thanks for the encouragement Gamparentanon. Much appreciated.