Ready to start this path again

Thanks Dan. I hope you are still going strong too.

45 days gamble clear now. This is the best I have done in some time and it feels great. This time is definitely different - I will never gamble again. Yes I concentrate on the here and now and surviving the day as I do get the urge from time to time but one day at a time has a completely different meaning to me now. Rather than thinking if I don't gamble today I'll be able to gamble tomorrow or in the future, now I think I won't gamble today so that tomorrow will be better. I will never gamble again.

At the moment not gambling in the future really isn't bothering me but the havoc I have created in the past is... My life is no where near what I would want it to be because of the damage I have caused through gambling. My finances are in a mess and my self confidence is at rock bottom. I am embarressed about what I look like, what my house is like, how I live... More than anything though I am embarressed about my addiction.

I try to remain positive and can see that I have made a huge change not gambling over the past 45 days and not anticipating gambling for the rest of my life but I just don't feel positive today. I suppose sitting in front of a computer waiting for the big win is easy and maybe I'm realising real life isn't.

Some days are tougher than others but at least they are nowhere near as bad as when I was gambling.

46 days clear and feeling a bit better today.

Life isn't great but it's hell of a lot better than when I was gambling. The financial burden is going to be hanging over me for some time but I know that I am going to have to ride it out. I didn't amass this debt overnight so I need to be patient in paying it back but I'll get there.

On the job front I have found vacancies that interest me. I am really struggling with my self confidence but I am going to give it a shot - what's the worst that can happen if I apply?

As for the house, the amount of stuff to do is overwhelming... I don't know where to start so most days I don't bother. I know I am lazy so I need to start to make small steps.

I have been committed to the weight loss plan for the past 2 weeks but today I could have broke. I was desperate for junk food but I managed to wait it out and the urge did eventually pass. I am learning to be strong and with every day that passes I will get better at it.

52 days free of gambling. I missed the big 50 on here but Saturday was a busy day... I also got my half stone award at slimming (having lost 9lbs in total).

52 days ago I was on the slippery slope to ruin. Now I accept that I am a non-gambler. I know I will always be an addict but these days I chose not to act on it as my life is infinitely better without the demon gambling in my life.

Money worries are still on my mind every day but I haven't made the debt any worse for 52 days.

I'm doing this - I am beating this addiction every day. I can do this.

Hi Samorgo,

Great to read your diary and to see how well you have done in banishing this life sapping addiction from your life.

A lot of similarities with me in there. Notably, having to finally accept that you must never gamble again. Like you, I always used to ‘leave the door ajar’ for a future gamble. Thinking I would be able to control it. I could never seemingly bring myself to accept that I need to stop gambling forever. Once I had come to terms (and that in itself is not easy) with the fact that I will never gamble again, the fog started to clear.

Like you say, there are days when that positivity relating to a gamble free future goes out of the window and your mind wanders back to one more gamble couldn’t possibly do me any harm... But we both know exactly what that leads to, and neither of us want to be back there again.

Keep up the great work

Thank you for your kind words Ukds69. For me it's taken many years and countless relapses to get to the point where I accept that I will never gamble again. When the realisation finally came it did feel like a weight lifting or a fog clearing... since then my life has been better. That's not to say that there haven't been difficulties. The main one is with the debt and the knowledge that I will struggle with funds for years to come because of the mistakes have made but by chosing to no longer gamble I am making a mends.

I've had a lovely day today. I met my friend in town and went for lunch. It cost me just over £10 which ordinarily I would have avoided at all costs (especially at this point in the month) but today I didn't begrudge it. I got to spend time with a human not with the computer! Yes it could have been £10 I could have put to my debt but I need to start living life.

I can't sleep tonight and I don't know why. I'm not tempted to gamble or indeed have any urges but something has brought me on here and I don't know what it is. Maybe to make me realise how much better my life is without gambling. Well staying up all night is something I did when I was in the grip of the demon and as I no longer am I must go to sleep as I have work in the morning.

54 days clear - roll on day 60 - the 2 month milestone!

Almost 2 months clear of gambling and still struggling financially. Today is pay day but already I can see I'll have no money by the end of the month. I suppose I have become impatient at paying the debts off again but they are a constant reminder of all the bad choices I have made. I have survived worse financial issues (at the height of my gambling I could waste ££££s a night) so I know that this isn't the end of the world but I just feel a bit doen about it.

On a positive note I know I am making progress as in the past this would have led me to gambling in the hope of winning some extra cash but it is not bothering me at all. I am tempted to eat though... I suppose these are emotions that I need to learn to deal with. Luckily I am due to weigh in at fat club tomorrow so I have managed to resist going crazy in the kitchen. Instead I'm going to bed. Good night.

Hi Samorgo,

Great to see how well you are doing. It would be nice if once we switch that gambling switch to ‘off’ so everything else surrounding it gets instantly easier, better still, goes away. Unfortunately of course there are realities and consequences of our addiction.

But the way I look at it... Those realities and consequences are going to be there, we can’t change that now, but just imagine how much MORE stressful and damaging it would be if you were also gambling at the same time. For me, it puts it into perspective. Life is soooo much better without gambling in it. Not perfect, far from it, but just compare how you feel now, where you are now in your mindset, not gambling, with how you were in the downward spiral of your addiction. Chalk and cheese. Day and night.

Don’t look back, only forwards. Currently I am sat at home on my own as the family are away and I am facing probably my biggest test since I gave up a month ago. A lazy BH Monday with nobody around would normally see me spend the day online frittering away my money. Today I am choosing not to.

Great up the top work and keep super strong! 🙂

Great diary Samorgo. Congrats on your new life. One tip id offer is just look at your debt as your punishment and accept it. As a gambler I have spent years making stupid choices and having to go through 6-12 months skint whilst I clear the bulk of short term debt is just my punishment which I’ve accepted. Just think where you’ll be in a years time. Financially stable, healthy, engaging with friends. It really is the jackpot no slot machine can offer.

60 days and counting!! This is a huge milestone for me; things are definitely different for me this time.

Thank you for your contributions:

UKds69 - I hope you had a good bank holiday - every day chosing not to gamble is a step along the path to a happier future. Staying strong is the only way to ensure things get better, keep remembering how much better life is without the demon in our lives.

Rugbyman - thanks for the praise. I think I get what you are saying about the debt. Every day it is a constant reminder of all the wrongs I have made but do I really deserve to be punished?! I made some really bad choices but I'm not a bad person. My debt will be around for a lot longer than a year but I am not making it any worse and even if it is only tiny steps to start each month it is getting better. You are absolutley right with the phrase "it really is the jackpot no slot machine can offer" - I just wish I could have realised that years ago to avoid the pain and sufffering I have caused.

Still feeling strong and looking forward to the next milestone - 70 days... here I come!!

Hi Samorgo,

60 days. Wow. Massive kudos to you!

I had a real nice chilled out BH Monday, thanks. Which most importantly... contained no gambling whatsoever! 🙂 I would’ve struggled in those circumstances as recently as just a few weeks ago but like you say, it feels different now.

I see quite a few people saying that. I’m fairly new to this forum so maybe that’s common at any given point, I don’t know, but I also wonder how much of an impact GAMSTOP is making. Quite a bit I wouldn’t be surprised.

I do think it coincided with me seriously wanting to give up but at the same time it has taken away the potential of a quick opportunistic gamble, that was always loitering.

Keep strong, keep focused, you’re doing amazingly!

Thanks for your kind comment Ukds69 and I'm glad you are still feeling strong. I have had physical blocks in place in the past but not wanting to really give up meant that I found ways around them. This time is different though and I hope that I will never be tempted by gambling ever again. Stay strong and thanks again - your support is appreciated.

I have been looking at my finances tonight ahead of a new month and it's not pretty. The worry of not having enough money would have led to me gambling in the past but not this time. I have seen numerous adverts for various gambling sites on the TV tonight but nothing can tempt me back to the dark hole of depression, isolation and deceit. It's going to be tough but it's one month... and at the end I won't be in as bad a position as if I chanced my luck. I can guarentee that if I tried to win I would inevitably lose and dig myself a bigger hole so I chose to win by not gambling.

Honestly, despite the debt and money worries, this feels so amazing. I never realised how good it would feel to be rid of gambling... I feel so stupid because for years I felt anxious if I even considered giving it up but now it makes me feel sick to think about doing it! Life really is better without gambling.

Hi Samorgo, I hope you’re well.

It is strange, I feel exactly the same. I don’t know what is was/is but I knew at the start of this attempt of going GF that it was different. I reckon it is probably a combination of several things...

1. GAMSTOP.

2. A build up over the years of determination and anger against the industry taking my money which finally became stronger than the need to gamble.

3. Finding this forum

4. A year of counselling

The counselling aspect was important as I really do believe that a true CG cannot give up on their own (i tried and failed dozens of times). I never brought myself to admit that I was gambling again to my girlfriend. She discovered many years ago and I’m not sure she would understand or accept the fact I have spent the past few years gambling. Despite my every effort to give it up.

As for all the gambling ads. They really are sickening aren’t they. I reckon in years to come we will look back at these adverts and wonder wth were we thinking? allowing this to go on.

Keep strong 🙂

Hi Ukds69 I hope you are still going strong.

It's day 70 for me today - 10 whole weeks since I last gambled. I have had the occasional urges (particularly when I am worried about money) but on the whole feeling much calmer and proud as punch that I am still going strong. Last Saturday I was considering going to bingo to try and win some money as my finances are really stretched this month but I realised this would be another version of the hell of gambling so I decided against it.

Each day I am distancing myself away form that past and making a brighter future. This time I am really doing it but having read other peoples' stories I know I need to stay aware that the addiction can rear it's ugly head at any time so I am staying vigilant.

In the past 70 days I have stopped gambling, applied for a new job (and am still waiting to hear) and lost a stone in weight.

The next goal/milestone is 90 days by then I want to have established a fitness routine, paid a loan back to a friend and started decluttering and thoroughly cleaning my house.

The future is looking far rosier since I have stopped gambling and I want it to continue that way so one day at a time I will not gamble.

I have been reading quite a few diaries on here this morning which has made me think about the physical blocks that I need in place. I have self excluded from the sites that I used but had resisted registering with gamstop. This morning I have questioned why this is the case. Part of it is a concern that others will find out about my secret past as I still feel so ashamed of it but there may be another reason... Perhaps its a delsuion that one day I might be in control and that I will be able to enjoy gambling in a controlled way so I don't want to give up that choice but having thought about it that's insane... So I have registered and yes I considered for only 6 months at the time but witihin a split second I settled on 5 years. I will never gamble again and although I felt a little anxious filling in the form having pressed submit I feel so relieved.

This is a real step forward for me. This time feels like it is right, like it is forever and that a better future is on its way. I feel that this was a good way to celebrate the 70 day milestone (although I did consider waiting until the 90 days - ridiculous!)... I am doing this and it feels so exciting. I will never have that sickening feeling of losing, of lying and of worrying. All of that is in the past and I am creating a better future for myself and my loved ones.

Another weekend is over 🙁 but another gamble free weekend clocked up 🙂 Day 72 done as I'm about to go to bed.

Finances still pretty awful so penny pinching means nothing exciting done this weekend but I have made a start on the house. This week the focus is on fitness. Healthy eating is still going well. Gambling is still behind me so all in all life is improving.