Shep's diary

Thanks shep . Good too read the positive steps you have taken . I wish you all the best on youre recovery and look foward to following you're diary .

Attended my 2nd GA meeting last night, around 18 there last night. It was my first time at the Tuesday meeting so I told my story to the group after I had made my declaration, felt the wobble in my voice but got through it. Great bunch of guys and one lady. The two hours went by in no time.

I do a 90 mile round trip to attend these meetings so around an hour each-way which gives me time to listen to some music and switch off from the day job. Then on the way home I speak with the wife about the meeting and how wonderful it is everyone is so open about their addiction. It's amazing in the meeting how even I can speak so openly to complete strangers about things I kept from my wife for 3 years, over time these strangers will become more like guardian angles to me! Last night on the way there a song called "Bitter Sweet Symphony" by The Verve, probably about drug addiction but I think it relates well to gambling addiction, the lyrics are below:

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
Where all the veins meet yeah,

No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
But I'm a million different people
From one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

A great song by the way..... Anyway when I got there I text the wife to say "all OK" and she replied she had just been listening to Coldplay "Fix You" at home in the kitchen. If any of you guys have a personal song that is related to your addiction please post the artist and title and I will take a listen.

Thanks.

Great honest post my friend and just lately for me it's been Jess Glynn , " Take me Home " which sums up how I felt when I first came here and the Eagles " Hotel California " with the verses " we are all just prisoners here of our own device " and " you can check out anytime you like but you can never leave ". Is a bit like recovery in my book ? . Keep doing what works and you'll be fine ! Best wishes .....Alan.

What a morning at work! Probably the most stressful since my last bet. I feel proud sat on my lunch typing this diary, otherwise I would have had a online bookmakers site open placing bets on stupid live sports, then for the Champ league tonight! I've had no urges may I stress. Actually looking forward to completing a project this afternoon that other members of staff have let over-run. Probably part of my own making as I granted one of them the day off today when they asked Monday. Anyway who cares, I'm just happy not to have or felt I needed to bet.

That's all today. Thanks.

Great diary, fella 🙂

You're doing really well & should be proud - keep up the good work!

Wishing you all the best, NM

Not a great day at work yesterday, then in the evening the wife and I went through the credit card debts (wasn't easy, but nothing is going to be in my recovery), hats of to her she was really supportive, although she does find it hard to think why Ihad to gamble so much. I said the debts were around £12K over three years but infact when you look at payments over the three years these amount to nearer £14K. Then my car loan, another thousand was added onto that for no explanation apart from funding my addiction! Anyway it was nice to go to bed and get a cuddle (nothing more!) without the wall of lies and deceipt between us.

So tonight is the next GA meeting, looking forward to it, then home about 10.45 for a glass of wine to toast another week gamble free. Cheers!

Enjoy your meeting Shep your doing great. Strange places the GA rooms not sure why they work but they do. I think it's the fact that you are surrounded by people who have been where you are and in every tale you can at least relate to parts of it if not all.

I know it's a long night but this time last week you would of had your head in your phone in your own gambling bubble ignoring everyone around you. so if you could make time to do that you can make time for a trip to GA.

KTF

Attended GA last night, another educational meeting for me, mainly listening. Cheltenham worries for many in the room, for me the horses mean nothing. My worry will be the T20 Cricket world cup starting soon. I've bet loads on this format of the sport, mainly on runs scored. Hoping I can watch some games and enjoy the match instead of watching the ever changing markets!

Well it's Saturday usually a CGs busiest day. No way will I bet today. Hated the Saturday nights chasing, then with it rolling into Sunday, another weekend wasted on nothing but further losses and debt. Great preparations for the working week ahead! Strange how you seem to remember these weekends than actually any winnings.

Night in with the wife tonight, takeaway and a nice dry white wine. (And a clear mind for me).

May my recovery continue.

Wasn't going to post again....

However been up to work to get my "once secret" credit cards from my desk, plus printed off all the debt summarys of each card, what I have as a positive balance in an ISA which hopefully will pay part of the debt off! Not a good feeling, feel gutted and shamed! Even then showing the wife them in paper format will be bad even though I've told her the amounts, don't really know why! Angry and disgusted with my self! Don't worry guys, I've no urge to bet, far from it!

Now the drive back home to present the paper work and hand in the plastic!

Update tomorrow.

I wish you the best Shep no point keeping anything back it's great you have told her about your little secret. Get it all out yes she will be upset when she sees it in black and white but you can both talk it out and work out what the next step is.

KTF

Good positive steps Shep ,

Once all the bad news is out in the open and theres an end to it ,then you can really step over that line eh?

Thanks for keeping us posted and lets see another post and day of gamble free tomorrow eh ?

Hi, Shep,

I find your posts about the credit cards v interesting and v positive for you. My husband couldn't and still can't bear to look at figures, even now, he won't sit down with me and work out a budget, he says he can't and leaves it to me. When he was exposed, I obviously has a morbid fascination with historic bank statements and adding up the all losses that I could trace, but he won't go near them, not this time round (his last bet that I know of was almost nine months ago) and not first time round, when I was trying to show him the net outflow of cash resulting from his spread betting "investments".

So if you have faced the reality contained in your card statements, all "credit" to you.

Keep up the good work, best wishes,

CW

Morning,

Thank you for the kind comments and feedback. Bet free again yesterday. Enjoyed watching the Catalans v Warrington match, rest of time was with family. No urges to bet.

It was very difficult going through the credit card debt. I broke down in the end, not cried like that in a long long while. What a mess I've caused. You know if I'd of won £15K it wouldn't have changed my life. It probably would have gone towards house improvements. I'd still be in the same house, same loving family, same job, of course £15k better off but not life changing (hope people know what I mean) . Probably the old days off winning £50 at the races and it paid for your beer for the day were good feelings! I don't do horses, I go twice a year (or did) once to York for the music event and the other a hospitality day at Beverley where it's a free bar all day. I called these fun days, betting £5 - £10 a race which I can afford to lose.... But I know these days will stop for now, GA say forever.

So back to the debts.... We looked at ways to pay them back, we can clear two of the smaller balances on a ISA we were saving in for a extension at home, so that will be put on hold for a year or two. Again these are things I just didn't care about in 2015. But from coming clean with my wife and having someone to talk to, plus this website (you great people) and my GA meetings has put a lot of the damage I've caused in to perspective and added other reasons I need to fight my addiction.

Ended the evening with a nice bottle of wine and a Tai takeaway, then watched Spectre.

Thanks again for reading a commenting on my diary.

Ho Shep if your anything like me when I won a few good amounts I would clear some debt have the best intentions with the rest but only ended up hiding it and using for more gambling tokens. Once it was gone I would just run up the debt I had just cleared. The cycle continues as we just can't stop.

KTF