so angry with myself!

Hi gtrdream,

Welcome to this site, you have made huge first step forward admitting u have a problem. A lot of support and advice here, you are never on your own.

You sound very distressed at the minute, just take a step back and take a deep breath. Do not look back at losses, accept they are gone...that's it. You need to get blocks on your computer asap. There is a free blocking software called K9 , u just need to ask someone u trust to put a password in for you. It really works, I hav it for 10 months and it honestly been essential part to stay safe on many occasions. You can also contact your bank and ask your card being changed to 'basic' one, which means you will not be able to pay online and can really help you on a way in your recovery.

I would suggest to contact GC netline. Advisers will give you all the necessary advice and support. They offer free counselling which can be very beneficial in ur recovery. Don't be hard on yourself, take it day at a time, there is a way out. Urges are only thoughts and you don't have to act on them. They will pass and u only feel better with yourself for staying strong and not letting this habit grip and get hold of you.

Be kind to yourself, keep posting and reading diaries here, you will never be judged, we are all in the same position and do understand.

Take care and all the best in ur journey to better your future

Sandra

its got really bad.. im just stuck in a load of lies i just cant bring myself round to admit :(.. yesterday after my partner came home and asked why i hadn't draw out my wages (like we agreed) for him to save the money and pay off to people i owe, i told him i lost my purse after i had drawn out the money and now he is saying he wants to see my bank account.. i threw my purse away with everything in it except the money because i gambled it.. all this for a horrid addiction.. he also said if i tell him one more lie we are over.. this is why i cant tell him.. i had told lie up on lie because of this but always came clean.. but now look.. he has supported me through so much in my life but this is the last straw.. no more gambling for me day 1

sticking my head in the sand and saying it won't happen again didn't work for me

could you have a chat with gamcare get some help and advice?

i rang gamcare yesterday because i was on the edge. everything was getting me down and they have referred me to kysallis or something over where i live. Im going to try it but i have had counselling in the past and been to a psychiatrist (private health care) and neither worked despite spending nearly 4 months with both.

Hi Gtr, your story sounds oh so familiar, I've told some terrible lies in the past and hurt a lot of people. Its so hard to end our addiction because for so many years its all we have been used to and it changes us. There will be lots of people offering different advice and we all need to find what works for us.

You are clearly in a difficult positions. I would advise you to come clean to your partner about what you have done. He probably already knows anyway. Tell him you are currently powerless and give him or a family member full control of your finances. I used to try to stop and always fail and end up blowing all my money in a day. Now my mum manages my finances. I used to blow a months wages on payday, but now I cant because my mum pays my bills and gives me small amounts of money as I need it.

On every payday the person you trust could pay your bills and manage your money, giving you small amounts when you need it. But if you know any bank card numbers or have them linked to gambling sites get new bank cards or a new account and start afresh. Don't write the numbers down as it could tempt you. I think this step is the most important one of all.

Try and think what it is that you get from gambling and replace it with other more positive things. If you do stop you will eventually have no debts and have more money to treat yourself or your partner.

Theres more to life than gambling, I struggled for 17 years, but now I am on day 94 and lifes so much better. Be strong and I look forward to hearing how you are getting on.

Hey born again, i know what you mean. i spent a months wage in a hour betting massive stakes and winning but putting it all back.. no matter how much it were.. thousands mostly. i cat tell him because he will leave me, the last time i told him i gambled he went mad at me, he doesnt understand so its hard to tell him. i dont know how to make him understand

Gtr he must already strongly suspect what you have done. If you tell him what you have done and that you have found this place and are seeking a way to get better then maybe he will support you. I can see you are scared of losing him, but by continuing on this path you will lose him. You need to come clean and start recovering and getting over this horrible illness we have. He will be upset, but if he sees you have put things in place to stop this happening again then maybe you can sort things out.