The beginning

hi granite, thank you for your post on my diary.

firstly let me say well done on getting through the 1st 24 hours we all have to start somewhere don't we. i can totally understand where you are coming from when you say payday is looming and its terrifying i get paid thursday and am dreading it but my plan is to get on here as soon as i wake and read some posts to set me up for the day, i don't know if it applies for you but reading others stories really motivates me.

Can i ask you, in the 5 years you weren't gambling what was your life like?

As you say 1 day at a time and 1 day not gambling is 1 step in the right direction. good luck.

Jess

Hi Granite,

Welcome to the forum.

Well done on realising you have an issue before it's too late. I, like you, will be having a tough few weeks ahead, but once I'm through those, It's plain sailing for me.

Keep your head high, your guard up and I'm sure you'll conquer this.

Keep posting what you feel, it helps.

iAN

Hi Ian,

Many thanks for posting, it really does help. I've had a bit of a nightmare today as I have been phoning the pay day loan companies I owe money too as well as trying to change bank accounts, all whilst trying to do my day job. It really did dawn on me the damage I've done to my finances - so I'm so so so pleased I got through today without gambling.

Cheers

Hi Granite,Im on day 2 today aswell and have had a very tough day,because of several pre-arranged appointments today i have had to walk by arcades and fobt's and have really struggled and been severely tested but im still here and my 2 days is intact.......Just,If we all stick together we can kick it,Im glad im not the only one on day 2 and i will try and follow your recovery and hopefully we can motivate each other on those days we struggle!! good luck and keep going !

hey really feel for you at the moment , i was always just really scared i could not stop gambling as it just had a hold over me , and to be completley honest when you mentioned live roulette , i remembered the times i was enjoying it which is a bad thing as i must remember the bad times that have brought me to this site , and the bad times had a much bigger effect on my life than any and i wouldnt say good times but any enjoyable times , and really those enjoyable times were just times where i was getting sucked in by this evil monster and even when not loosing at that time my personality was changing , my morrals my everything , its crazy it like destroys your life from withinside you and thats before it even f***s up your financial situation , well that how it was for me , and after i had stopped which has only been a month now , it was as hard to find myself again as it was to stop gambling. what has really helped for me has been the getting rid of my debit card so i cannot gamble online , i have simply destroyed it and now use cheque books and cash , which is still tempting with cash and that is why i try never to have more than 50 in cash on me at any time . If you are able to get rid of your debit card destroy it or give it to somebody you trust to safe guard it and only use it when you really need it , giving it striaght back to them after and them only giving it you when you have prooved what you need it for , self exclude as im sure you have heard all this before with the 5 years gamble free you did , and by the way still well done for that 5 years gamble free , yes you have slipped but you have prooved you can do it , keep strong my friend ps sorry to rammble , thanks simon

Hi Simon,

many thanks for the post, it really helped. Just need to know that other people have been in a very similar position to me, but have found a way to deal with it. Well done on being gamble free for a month, good work. Today is Day three and it's by far the hardest day so far. today, I've been dealing with banks and payday loan companies and everything points to the fact I'm in a real mess. I know I can clamber out of this mess, but it's not easy and it's not fun. Five years ago was horrible but I got on top of my debts fairly quickly. This time round it will take much longer and it all starts tommorow when I get paid. Cheers, thanks again for the support.

Hi Granite

Well done on day three, it's so hard we all no how you are feeling

I'm on day four today.... And like you trying to sort my finances out, realising how much mess I've made myself 🙁 but you have to think when you're paying them back wether it's fast or slow the main thing is you're not adding to them 🙂 every little brings the amount down, keep going Andagain x

Hi folks, sadly I fell off the wagon last night. I wasn't going to come on here and admit to it but I figured I need to face it and writing it down is a good start. I had a bit of a crappy day yesterday, which wasn't helped by an argument with a payday loan company, and last night I just snapped and got on one of the few sites I haven't yet excluded myself from and played live roulette. I played all through the night till 8 this morning and then phoned in sick to work because I would have just been a complete mess if I had gone to work. I've never lied to my work colleagues before, so this was fairly c**P. fortunately I haven't done a huge dent in my wages - but this has to be the end of it, because it's turning me into someone I simply don't recognise any more. I've been avoiding counselling and GA meetings, partly because I thought I could handle it as before six weeks ago I had given up for Five years. but this time round it feels like a completely different monster so I will find some support from meetings or counselling. I only joined this site on Sunday and today was supposed to be day Four of giving up. I know I'll be ok, I'll start over again but it will be a lot harder than I thought. The support people show each other on this site is tremendous, and has been a great help to me until I messed up. I want to carry on supporting others here and getting support, so I won't disappear, but right now I just feel ashamed. I've written this diary post as I want it to be a reminder of a situation I never want to be in again, Granite.

Hi granite,Well done for coming back to the site,that shows alot of character to come back and admit you have slipped up,There is no condemnation in admitting that you had a moment of weakness,We have all been there before and will support each other,I think we all underestimate how hard it is to build up "clean" days to begin with but take heart from you being clean for 5 years!

Thanks Time4reform, posts like that really help. I feel much better today. I got a proper nights sleep, and have a new bit of fight in me that I didn't have yesterday. one day at a time really is the only approach.

HI Granite ive just caught up on your diary, im really sorry you are having such a hard time at the moment we have all been there my friend, this devil has a way of sucking you back time and time again, he is pure evil! the fact you have owned up to your moment of weakness is a major step you could have quite easily thought f*** it im doing the lot in and instead you came back here to "start again".

In my opinion every step toward beating this is a tough 1 but coming back and admitting it is a step in the right direction yes you messed up but as you said 6 weeks ago it probably would have been the lot, so theres your 1st positive step. It's sh** theres no doubt about it but keep your chin up dont let it drag you down today is a new day...a gamble free 1 🙂

stay strong

jess x

Hi Half-life. Thanks for the advice. My only problem is if I get into a real gambling mood, I will find a way to gamble. But I think maybe I should get some software as at least it makes you seriously think about what you are doing and puts you mind at rest to a degree. All the best.

I keep reminding myself if I gamble I will never win enough and always lose what I can't afford. yes you have big wins in gambling, but from experience, when you have a big win you always wish you had put more on the bet and when you have a loss you wish you had put less on. So never really satisfied. When I Gamble I invest in my own insecurity, my own vulnerability so even if I do win Big, I still have the investment I made in those negative emotions. its like sticking your hand in a bee hive to get the honey even though you are allergic to bee stings.

Granite

You speak very true words , for me it just messes with the head , the only way we can ever win is by not placing that first bet and our heads will remain clear and focused

Keep making the right decisions

Castle2