The beginning

Hi Granite - Well done on your renewed resolve to beat this thing. As your name implies you are made of strong stuff - a few little chips won't destroy you! re. the blocking software, I definitely would advise you to install it.

As you say, if you want a bet you can always get round barriers, but the software is an extra safeguard. I believe that the TXNoGam option is permanent. I use K9 (free) and yes, you can bypass this if you really want to, but it certainly has stopped me in my tracks at weaker moments. I like to think of it as a gate at a level crossing - am I really stupid enough to duck under it and risk being struck by a train??

Best wishes with your renewed journey.

Joanna

I was going to start this post with a moan about how this month will be tough, how I'm finding the cold turkey experience really hard, how I'm in a lot of debt and on a really tight budget. Then I thought time to man up, get a grip and think about the things I'm truly grateful for like the fact I own my own house, I've got a really great friends, I've got a job, I've got a garden, I've got freedom, I live in an area and country I love, I've got all you great supportive folks on This forum, I've got a sense of humour albeit slightly diminished by six solid weeks of frenzied gambling, I've got a good life.

After a brilliant couple of days a big black cloud hit me this afternoon in the supermarket. I'm on a Debt Management Programme and therefore a fairly tight budget and I was just wrestling with myself as to wether or not I could afford a pack of biscuits. Sometimes when my money is restricted, my brain throws a strop like a spoilt child. And that's when the gambling voice took over in my head and said "all you need to do is a hit and run bet at the bookies and stick a couple of quid in one of the machines, pocket the winnings and have a life time supply of biscuits". I told the voice to f*** off!, bought a small cheap packet of biscuits and left the supermarket with a smile on my face. Job done. Day 4 gamble free.

Morning granite

A big well done for fighting those urges off I hope it brings the strength it deserves and makes you stronger for today

I hope the debt management works out well for you it was the best decision I ever made I have just now entered an iva from that which works out perfect for me , they do have their negatives of course and they come back to bite you from time to time but on the whole it gives us a chance to get our life back on track

Keep making the right choices your doing great

Castle2

hi granite, your last post put a huge smile on my face!! good for you! im so pleased you managed to resist and that you are looking at the things in your life that you are thankful for, your'e right our judgement gets so clouded by gambling we put down or totally forget in some cases the good things in life we have...and theres nothing wrong with those cheaper biscuits all goes down the same way 😉

Stay strong

jess x

Many thanks Castle and Jess, I've written more in your diaries. Thanks for continued support means a lot.

Finding today really tough. It started great, really positive, but now I'm sinking a bit. Today is the only day this bank holiday where I hadn't made any plans to meet friends etc. early this morning I got up, and in a positive attempt to stick to my new debt reduced food budget, I made some bread. Felt a sense of pride doing that - I've always enjoyed cooking and worked as Cook for a bit, so actually planing around a tight budget is good fun for me in a sense. I then went to the garden and pulled up tonnes of weeds that I neglected when I was gambling. Im wanting to grow a load of veggies to help with the budget plans. I know this is all positive stuff and very rewarding, but then I came in for a cup of coffee and sat down for a bit and the remorse hit me. I've got to snap out of it I know, but just get angry at myself sometimes for the mess and debt I've caused. when I stopped gambling 5 years ago, I had a girlfriend who lived with me, and she was great at snapping me out of these moods, and so supportive about my gambling addiction.

Ok enough is enough. Coffee break over - back out into the garden, keep moving forward slowly but surely.

I read somewhere once that the biggest risk you can take in life is inaction. for me this is so so true.

all i want to say to you is You can do this my friend, you are in control and you are making these changes be proud of yourself and let yourself feel that sense of achievement. Focus on how your going to feel getting through your 1st week and keep that in your mind when those urges come knocking!

Stay motivated...and busy!!

x

Thanks Jess, I think I was just having "a moment". I guess I need to get stuff of my chest otherwise I'll be in danger of joining the dark side again.

I've been thinking abit about why I started gambling again in March after a five year gamble free stint. a lot of it doesn't make any sense to me now. Five years ago I gave up basically because my dad gave me some money towards my debt and told me he was seriously worried about me. I was shocked because he had never verbalised his feelings before. So I saw the money and his care as something massively valuable, and didn't gamble for five years after that. the thing I don't understand is two years ago I had a rough time, because my dad died, I split up with my girlfriend and I had a big operation in hospital all within the space of a few months - yet I didn't gamble, I didn't even consider gambling during this time. If I gamble because I'm unhappy, surely I would have gambled then? But I didn't. I then inherited money from my dad - I spent it all on various things but was never once tempted to gamble it. So for two years after these events I was completely clean til March this year. I remember the moment clearly. I was about to watch a six nations rugby match, and I just thought out of curiosity I would look on line to see what the odds were for a certain player to score a try. This was my first mistake as after I checked the odds the urge to gamble got stronger. I thought because it had been 5 years I could just place one bet and it would be fine. I thought I was a much stronger person. Big Mistake. I placed the bet, lost 10 quid. And now the helpful bookie had put a tempting free bet on my account. So I lost that too. And so it goes. I chased those losses and then looked at other things I could bet on. I discovered slots which I hadn't played before, and that was me hooked on slots, and then roulette and so on and so on. Lost more and more, took out pay day loans, lost more and more, phoned debt charity and joined gamcare forum.

Sorry this is a ramble but it just highlights that it is only complacency that dragged me back in. If horrible life events caused me to gamble then I would have gambled two years ago.

Blimey, it doesn't take long for your recovery diary to slip down to the bottom of page 2, ha ha. must be good sign, means loads of people posting great posts.

Not much to say today although made a decision to combat gambling feelings and save money yesterday by walking 2 hours to work instead of getting the bus. When I was 5 minutes from the end of the walk, it absolutely P***** down. So I walked into work completely drenched and security guards stared at me like I was a freak. But I was chuffed because I was clear of my gambling thoughts and I had saved the mighty sum of 1.45 quid on bus fare. Whooop Whooop. keep fighting.

Hi Granite - I've just read your posting from Tuesday and was very moved by it - what a dear Dad you had. I'm so glad that you honoured him by not gambling his money away - you can feel very good about yourself on that count. But what a puzzling thing this gambling is - as you say, if we can refrain in really tough times, why do we suddenly weaken for no apparent reason? I suppose it is complacency and something we should always remember - I admit that sometimes I get a fleeting thought that perhaps I could find a new site, win enough to boost my bank balance, and then close my account. What a fool!

Thank you for reminding me that I can never think that my self-control is invincible.

Hope you've dried out by now, although it's still pouring down here!

Best wishes for your continued strength.

Joanna

although my blip last week didn't reap complete havoc like it has in the recent past, it has left my budget very tight for the rest of the month. I'm trying not to feel remorse about it otherwise that will be game over for me in terms of quitting gambling. The trouble is I'm in fear of things happening out of the blue that will blow my budget. So I'm dreading today because my work colleagues decided that we would have a pub lunch today to celebrate the end of a long project. The thing is I have to go along with it as I don't want people to know how skint I am. Normally I would be first in the queue for a pub lunch, but not today. Ok whinge over, this is a self inflicted situation after all. I'm not gambling today -That's the main thing.

Hi granite

Know how you feel on that one and its not a nice reminder of our slips but your right stay focussed on the positives they far outweigh the negatives

Castle2

Hi granite

Am first day on here but I want to tell you that with all the despair and self hatred I feel T the moment I have just finished work and instead of itching to get onto my slots which I did after a late shift I read your diary and you made me smile dare I say chuckle cos I am in the pits it was the biscuits cos I do it myself think nothing of spending g hundreds on slots but can I afford a packet of biscuits and walking to work saving 1.50 I have done it I am worrying now will washing up liquid last till payday and loo rolls these are essentials but I would rather spend 100s on slots we have to smile otherwise we would totally crack up

Thanks for making me chuckle if I had been online playing slots I would be mortified by now with even more losses can't win can't stop

Keep strong and thank you

Suzanne