The beginning

Hi granite

Great uplifting positive post just shows how good life can be without gambling in it

Keep making the right choices and enjoy each day at a time

Castle2

Very long weekend for me - as I have Tuesday and Wednesday off next week. I do get anxious with extra time on my hands I have to say - and as I don't share my house with anyone I have to make a concerted effort to make sure I get out and meet up with people. Trouble is I haven't made too many arrangements for the next few days. Although, tomorrow I plan to do a 5k run with about a thousand other people, so I guess that's a good start ha, ha.

Slightly annoyed today because the B*****d slugs have just munched their way through all the courgette plants I put in the garden a couple of weeks ago, even though I put a circle of beer traps around the plants. Mind you the beer was real filth at 25p a can, so Im not surprised the slugs didn't gleefully fling themselves into it. See what happens when I have too much time on my hands? Ha ha.

Oh well at least I'm gamble free - day 10.

Granite

Well done on your recovery to date

You should be proud of your efforts.

Recovery has gifted me time to garden,something alien for too many years!!

My top tip, cut up an empty two litre bottle into say three inch collars and slip one over each plant.

It will keep the slippery bu##ggers away!!!

cheaper than the beer and pellets.

Keep making the right choice

abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

I've come to realise that for me just stopping gambling is not enough. I need a fair bit of structure in my life now. It's going to be about whole heatedly following the things that will give me genuine pleasure and rewards. Most of my adult life I have spent trying hide from the world and responsibility. I always thought that if I followed my dreams I would fail - I learnt this completely false belief as a kid. Yes I spent years blaming my parents - but the truth is they are not to blame. I chose to hold onto that false and limiting belief. I'm not saying all this to wallow in self pity, I'm saying it because from now on I truly want the freedom of a valuable and rewarding life.

I had a real "Eureka moment" yesterday. I dragged my self out of bed, into the rainy morning to run a 5K organised park run in my local park. I haven't done anything like this for 10 years, but I knew that I needed to do it just for the enjoyment of it and to join in with 600 other people all trying to beat their personal best 5k times. I finished somewhere near the back, but that's really not the point. For me this was a huge huge achievement just to get off my backside and do something. It was a really great feeling just to be applauded over that finish line - but the real pleasure was from knowing that I had done this just for myself and as a commitment to following a new and better way of living.

Hi granite

True wise words , when we stop gambling it opens up a whole new world one that we are not used to and that does take time t o adapt , structure I find really helps getting into a daily weekly routine helps immensely , for me it's when that changes it becomes tough again

The important thing is we are making that change , I also went through that stage blaming my parents for reasons for gambling ultimately the only person we can blame is ourselves for choosing to gamble

The time has come to forgive ourselves the past is gone the future is our own destiny

Well done on the run

Castle2

I haven't posted on here for a while, but things have got really bad and I need some advice. I managed to be abstinent for 8 weeks since my last post in this diary, throughout June and July, Things were going pretty well and I felt really confident that I had my demons under control. But then I inherited a substantial amount of money which would have gone a long way to paying off my debts. The rest is history. I thought if I gambled just 100 of the 5,000 I might be able to recoup enough to pay all my debts. I lost the lot. I found a way round my online defences and found a site I wasn't excluded from.

I'm really in a mess. The problem is I've told no one. Accept obviously people here. But now I need support from my family and friends because I'm in a really really dark place, but I don't know how to tell them. I live on my own and don't have a partner. I have friends at work but I don't know if I would just terrify them and scare them away if I told them my troubles. The only person I could have told is my Dad who sadly died two years ago. As some of you know I gave up gambling for 5 years until March this year. 5 years ago when I was in a similar situation I told my mum and brother, who were both really angry, understandably. My brother told me he would never speak to me again if I gambled again. The five years since I've become close again to my Mum and Brother - but obviously I really fear telling them because of their reaction last time. But I fear if I don't tell people I won't be able to stop. I know there is GA and I'm going to a meeting this week - but I need support from people around me too. Sorry for the long post. Any advice is very welcome.

Hello Granite! I'm so very sorry to hear of your predicament. It's clear to us that being "gamble-free" is false security. A compulsive gambler is NEVER free - we are lulled into believing we can control it - we can't! It's good that you have confided in this site knowing that so many other people are in your situation, though it has to be said, much worse. You don't like the feeling you have right now? Ultimately that feeling will contribute to your TOTAL recovery. Like you, I have told no-one other than fellow soldiers on this site about my addiction. You have tasted the life of "gamble-free" - you want to go back there and you CAN do it again! You're lucky in so far as no partner replying months housekeeping etc!! Get your life back in order - you have to forget about the losses - they've gone for gone - DONT TRY TO GET IT BACK! Keep posting! Helen. X

Hi Granite

Welcome back

I really for you with your relapse and I understand that you want support from family but not sure how to tell them

It's a very hard thing to do I had to tell my OH in the end to start a new beginning I also told my sons and their partners it was really hard for me to do I felt so ashamed of it all afterwards but it had to be done

We all do this journey differently so you have to make your own decision but for me to move forwards I had to be totally honest with all near to me

I hope you find the right decision soon so you can move forwards to a happier gambling free life

Very well done on being very honest and carrying on

with your recovery

Take care

Suzanne xx

Many thanks Suzanne for your kind words as always. You Are right about the importance of telling people. last Sunday I was in such a bad way I decided enoughs enough and phoned my mum and told her everything - the huge debts, the depression etc etc, and quite surprisingly she was brilliant and told me everything I needed to hear. Obviously she was upset about it, but not angry. Shes had a lot of experience of people with addiction so she knew what to say. I feel much better for it.

I will tell some of my friends too but all in good time.

I went to a GA meeting too, and it was brilliant. I will go back.

However, having one of those evenings today where self pity has kicked in - that's why I got on here as soon as. Going to read my book, get an early night and let these thoughts pass and I'll be stronger tommorow.

Hey granite

Gambling thrives on self pity push through those thoughts you can do this because you want to

Stay strong and focused tomorrow is another day remember

Suzanne xx

ok today I'm scared, I'm exhausted and confused. But I'm not going to gamble today.

Granite

Well done for posting I say that as I know it's much easier not too when your feeling how you are , that tells me your not beaten and still want to fight

One day at a time and stay close to this site

Castle2

Thanks Castle, That means means a lot. I haven't been posting enough recently.

Early this morning I was having unbelievable urges to gamble. but I just went for a run round the park with my local running club and beat my personal best 5k time. so I guess refocusing my feelings into some thing healthy like running definitely helps. feel much better - but I know the urges are still lingering. So I'll stay busy and stay close to the site.