The Brave New World 21st September 2014

So here I am still on the 21st Sept feeling really down and harbouring thoughts of chasing losses. But at the same time just want to be normal.

I feel tired and exhausted. I get paid tomorrow night and I'm hoping that may make me feel better and start my road to recovery. I can't think of my losses now I need to move forward and put all my energies into my family.

10 mins into the 22nd September - I need the pain and anxiety to go away. Day 1 of recovery hasn't started positively. Different scenarios racing thru my mind 🙁

i get gambling thoughts all the time taffy but its accepting all the help on here, keeping my diary, talking with family and friends, getting counselling and group.

It all adds up and helps.

i'll keep an eye on your progress

tri

Thanks for the advice Tri. Much appreciated. This is the first time I've gone through all such steps to stop gambling. Using a forum on Gamcare and writing a journal on my recovery is the last piece of the jigsaw.

All I can do now is just face my demons and attempt to conquer them. Having the support from my family, Counsellor and guys like you Gamcare will certainly help. Thanks again.

I still feels raw. Seems such a long road ahead. Just petrified that I may come off the rails again. Can't wait until Thursday to have my second meeting with my counsellor.

Hi taffy

Welcome aboard this very supportive forum.

I wish you the very best on your journey of recovery.

I find taking one day at a time is so much less daunting than trying to think too far ahead.

There is a triangle that is used on this forum which can really help.

Time,money, location.

if you take one of these away it makes it impossible to play.

Every day we don't play we win that day and that is a very good positive to have.

I look forward to following your recovery

Best wishes

Suzanne xx

yes taffy it feels like such a long road because it is

its the rest of your life with any hope

but ask yourself does gambling weigh in? are the scales too heavily weighted towards the negative?

tri

Hi Suzzane and Tri,

Thanks for your positive notes. Much appreciated. Still no bet placed, but it is only day 1. I've never been so serious to quit gambling.

I'm not feeling great tho. My partner is giving me zero support. I don't think she loves me anymore. So I feel that I'm on my own in my recovery. So not the best the starts. Feeling so low.

I am struggling here, as I approach day 2 I am battling not to put any such bet on. I just think about recovering recents losses and then calling it a day. I obviously know full well it could get worse and lose further monies.

I hate myself. Why can't I just stop? This is slowly killing me. At this rate if I could get to see my counsellor this thur without betting it would be a minor miracle, and that would only be day 4. Simply and utterly pathetic.

Hi Taffy

Yup I know exactly how you feel. There's some demon/monster/call it what you will that lives in our heads and tries to convince us that everything will be different this time. The problem I find is that once you let it take control all rational thought goes out of the window. I can win money over a period of days and then in a heartbeat it's gone.

I'll be playing a slot machine online while I wait for a horse race/football match etc to finish. Just a 1 a spin, then before I know it 50 gone. So I up the stake to 2, 3, 4, 5 per spin and suddenly I'm 200 down. So despite a small voice in my head saying don't do it, don't do it I click deposit and 500 goes in. That goes quickly so then another 500 goes in and so on.

Throughout that time the little voice is saying stop stop, but my finger keeps clicking the spin button. Then I usually stick 500 on a football bet, but not a straight forward one, it has to be one that gives a good return. Perhaps a team to win with a handicap of -1 goal. Then I watch the match absolute hating every attempt that is missed. The match ends and I have lost again and the same thought goes through my mind - "You have to stop, you can't keep doing this, WHY did I restart gambling".

The moral of the story is if I hadn't given into the urge in the first place none of this would have happened.

Don't let the monster into your head - don't deposit the money - don't listen to the "You can win this time" because it's all a load of balls. You can't win, you never win, so even 50 deposited is a waste. Because if you lose that's 50 you never get back and if you win then chances are you'll lose it all and loads more. Keep the 50 or whatever it is you want to gamble and buy yourself something. Don't chase losses!!

You can do this with the support your getting. It's bloody tough, but just keep setting milestones to achieve. Try 7 days at first then 14, then a month and so on. Believe me it's so satisfying to achieve the goals that I start getting addicted to adding more and more days. I can't wait to get to 7 days (I'm back on 2). The days can't go by quick enough.

Good luck

Craig

Thank you so much Craig. Your note made so much sense and has inspired me to keep going. Day 2 and no bets made. I have to keep going like you said. Part of me knows that I could well lose more if I bet again. Even if I win it's only borrowed temporarily.

Yes relapsed again. Lost 800 in cold blood. Finally told my partner the full extent of my gambling habit. I feel awful. It's like I've stabbed her through the heart or something.

I can't really see any light at the end of the tunnel - feel so low.

Just when I think I'm making sense of it all in my own mind another problem presents itself.

So I had a relapse on. I haven't bet since 28th sept. It scared the life out of me. Could of lost thousands. Luckily I didn't lose too much. I have put financial control over to my partner. I have ran K9 software on all multimedia devices to stop me accessing any gambling sites. I have self excluded from bookies and the local casino.

So that's it. Any urges I do have will be blocked. I literally can't get around them. K9 software key. My partner has set a password so I wouldn't even be able to uninstall. Totally recommend guys, and it's free.

Still feel tense and sometimes down but I'm sure it will get better. So the last bet was on 28th sept. So Day 5 and no gambling.