The long road ahead

Welcome bean to this wonderful supportive forum where there are likeminded folk on here that all want the same thing

To stay in recovery.

I wish you the very best on your new journey of recovery.

Best wishes

Suzanne xx

Thank you Suzanne, i am really pleased to have this place. I am not able to tell my partner so have to do this in silence - im hoping this forum will give me an outlet.

x

25/02/15 - 0 days clean

So after finally getting some sleep and facing up to my problem I've made some first steps into recovery and that long journey that will get easier everyday.

Today ticked and achieved:

Washing (sounds crazy but I probably could have cried all day)

Tidied my house

Installed K9

Managed to sleep

Ate something

Called the counsellers

Called gamcare

arranged a consolidation loan

It's not a huge achieveiment by any other standards but for a compulsive gambler these are the hardest steps i think i've ever taken. I'm resolved to go through with the counselling as i think i need to get to the bottom of why i'm gambling as well as fighting the addiction itself.

Feels like i'm talking to myself and i guess in a way i am - i will quit gambling for good but i need to be strong and recognise the challenge ahead.

x

26/02 1 day clean

Feeling very mixed today - have an enourmous sense of guilt and worry about what ive done and how to cope with this. On the other hand feel determined not to go back to that life of gambling, the secretness of it fills me with shame and regret but i will deal with that and start my new life everyday.

Hi B,

Well done on day 1, it's a very important day, as you want to now change your life.

Take one day at a time with everything, small steps is the way to go forwards and upwards.

Keep strong and be kind to yourself.

Suzanne xx

~Thansk Suzanne, you're so kind to post back to me. I spoke to the counsellors today and booked a consultation/ assessment so i'm really pleased with being brave and starting the journey properly. I also decided to cancel the consolidation loan and work on my credit cards individually - ultimately i think it'll help me keep on track and show me the progress on a monthly basis rather than just consolidating and having the cards free for gambling again! Can't let that happen but i will need to be strong.

I didnt feel the need to gamble today and the thought on it made me feel physically sick - even the adverts of the TV seem evil and angry. In a way i'm really glad that i feel so angry, i'm hoping to use that to fight the beast and stay on track.

Definitely one day at a time and the future will be bright

Much love

B

xx

Hey B that's good news gambling makes you feel sick, I did my own plan with debts and with the cc cards I got my interest frozen and a manageable payment plan set up, which was 3 big positives, 1 zero interest and 2 I could not use my cards anymore, so I got rid of unnecessary credit which was a good barrier and block, and 3 paying back I could afford each month, my credit score was already screwed up with PD loans. so it did not matter anymore.

Keep strong and just take one day at a time with everything.

Suzanne xx

27/02 2 days clean

thanks suzanne i think taking control of your life is step one. I made a little check list today and it started with 'get through today' even though today i have no desire to gamble i am consious that the moment i become complacent i will feel that little, innocent flutter coming on - i cannot let that happen and im determined to become a normal person!!

On a really positive note i've booked an assesment with the counsellor on the 7th march so i will (repeat will!) be 9 days clean before i start the process, ive even told my fella that i am going to talk to someone to work out some issues. Not brave enough to explain why yet but im so positive about becoming a non gambler!!! Will check in tommorow and stength to all my partners in the fight - 2 days clean, 2 days winning!!

Much love

Xx

Thanks NT and thank you for helping me, ive been there before and even made 6 months - this time i am doing it and will be logging in daily to help others too!

1/03 4 days clean.

This time last week i was 10k richer, without a care and with no idea how strong the gambling demons hold was on me.

4 days clean and what a great 4 days, ive seen almost all my family, done the shopping , cleaned the house and more importantly not gambled!

i feel really positive about the future and am committing myself to the long stretch ahead - just seeing the love in my mans eye's makes me strong.

i will do this!!! Stay strong all

much love

b

xx

Brilliant work B. Always keep in the back of your mind the memories of how you felt this time last week and hopefully when the urges return the memories are strong enough to repel them.

We can all do this together,

Stay strong

Russ

2/3/15 5 days clean

thanks for the support russ - had a bit of panic last night! In my dream i was playing down 500 and id got almost to the end. The first thought i had was to put more in to win it back, honestly really scared me even though it was just a dream.

i guess its the minds way of reminding us of our weaknesses - moreover its made me more determined than ever to get to counselling and keep up the forum posts.

staying strong one day at a time - will post tomorrow about how the damned 'cashino' and how angry it makes me just walking past!!!

One day at a time to all the fighters! Stay strong

much love

b

xc

03/03/15 6 days clean

Feeling depressed today - would be an ideal time to "destress" and i've got to say that i dont feel like gambling - in fact i just feel sad that ive put myself in this situation.

This time last week i was about to pull an "all nighter" and lost 10k - not something i'd ever done before and something i will ever do again. I have a huge sense of depression and remorse around what i've done 🙁

I know i should take myself out of the house, go for a walk and cheer myself up to avoid the gambling bug but i have no desire to gamble, in fact i have no desire to do anything this evening - just want to feel sorry for myself. How selfish am I!!! I should and could be being productive, should be getting out to enjoy the world and yet I feel like i just want to mope - is that such a bad thing? Half of me says yes and half says dont be too hard on yourself and just take one day at a time.

Focussing on the positive i took a walk yesterday with the fella after work and walked past a "cashino" never been into it or had the desire to go into either but just the physical act of walking past it and even seeing people inside made me feel physically sick. I hate any type of casino, online, lottery, physical - any of them!

Excuse the rant but here goes:

Casino's are not faceless organisations, somewhere someone has made a choice to set up a casino in the one aim of getting hard working, optimistic idiots like us spend their hard earned cash, lose their hard earned cash. They are a con with absolutely zero upside - they waste our time, take our money and destroy our lives. I will never gamble one penny of my hard earned wages ever, ever again - they can take their money grabbing ideas and shove them! Rant over!

There must be a name for this "stage" but i do feel better for getting that off my chest - staying stronger than ever

Much love all

B

xx

5/3/15 8 days clean

Strange day yesterday - really happy to have made the week mark but conscious that ive been here so many times before that i must, must keep looking forwards.

the other half did an accumulator bet too which ive never seen him do, only 5 quid but he lost and to cheer him up i said, well you can try again!!!! Argh no! I can see that optimism as the ruin behind my own thoughts. Also dreamt about gambling too i think, cant fully remember?

eitherway I am taking 8 days as a small victory, looking forward to my counselling session on sat and to spending time with the family this weekend.

Stay strong everyone - one day at a time

much love

b

xx