What a day!

Irene,

I would love to keep a contact with you behind forum walls...I will try to ask GC for more details:)

Thank you xx

day 324

plodding along gamble free

Plodding is good ...so is rambling xxx lol

Keep on keeping on Irene xx

Hey Irene,

Thanx for popping by... most appreciated..well done for keeping on a right track.

Sandra x

Thanks Ladies x

Day 325

Still plodding lol. Actually had a conundrum yesterday eve. Was out with sis and she asked directly if I was still "playing bingo"- she does not know about the slots, massive binges or true extent of my gambling. It was a perfect opportunity for me to "come clean" and tell her....instead I replied "oh, I haven't played for ages". It was a truthful reply however, I'm not sure why I didn't take the opportunity, maybe protecting me from the guilty feelings (yes I do still feel stupid and guilty that I've made an a**e of things!) or protecting her from the worry. Maybe a bit of me feels that I deserve to suffer this alone. I find it so difficult not to discuss this aspect of my life-I have never had secrets from my sister.

Anyway, that was yesterday...........

I spoke with guys on "chat" a few evenings ago about changes in my life. I've been trying to limit the time I spend online.....for a while it seemed like I'd replaced gambling with GC! Whilst this is what I needed at the time, I now recognise that the social isolation was probably part of the reason for my gambling. I'm now trying to build a life away from the screen, which is a bit scary.

I do feel a bit guilty, as support was offered here unconditionally by others and its what kept me focussed in the early days and I do want to give that to others but I need to continue to work on me. I still intend to log in daily from my phone however do find it hellish typing on the wee screen so I thinking my rambles will be saved for laptop lol.

No urges currently and no intention of gambling.

Well hell girl and good for you. Looks like your in the fast lane to a year coming up real soon , way to go. Keeper going and don't look back.

Hey Irene,

What a lovely post and you are so right - YOU are the first and last person in this recovery, and it's great to read that you finding those ways to better your life. We are not going to run away lol,( personally me...i plan to stick around for a while:)) and i'm just happy for you girl...and will always look out for you..

As for your progress...d**n girl!!! Just echoing brokensoul post there....moving forward...never back....Stay in a fast lane, just watch speed limits;-)

Speak soon darling,

Way to go!

Sandra x

thanks folks x

Day 326

Just home from exercise classes.....Irene polishes the halo lol. Munching a wee snack ( my justification for cake is that I must've burned off a zillion calories!)

I'm not really giving gambling much thought, certainly no urges, but lots of regrets which are triggered when I get ruddy debt letters.......does this ever get better????

I'm trying so hard to forget the past and work towards the future but its so hard at times to let go.

Reminder to self- "you're doing good Irene"!

Reminder to Irene - YOU ARE DOING FANTASTIC!!!;-)

Thanx for kind note yesterday. I am a surviver and surviver means fighter:-) pulling through...

Speak later and take care xx

Thanks sandra x

Day 327

What a day! At work (extra shift). Came home to yet another default notice..... what a paper trail! Anyhow, i'll forward to CAB advisor, nothing else I can do.

Besties birthday today and yet another catastrophe for her today. How much can she take?

Hey Irene

Just a bit of pass on info ...I also have been in communication with Stepchange ...not sure if this applies to you but I have 5 unsecured creditors baying for blood...once one goes for a CCJ then the rest back off...I figured I'd have 5 CCJs but that's not how it works they say xxx

thanks for info R- I've got 3 main creditors and expected 3 court things so that's good news- although not sure if its the same in Scotland.

day 328

Phew- another hard one! Reminder to self- "be careful what you wish for!" Bestie's having family probs and I'm able to offer support. When I wanted to make amends to bestie, I hadn't figured she'd have to encounter more S***e for me to do this.......spent this am supporting someone to a fellowship meeting- I don't have experience of attending GA however do have a wee bit knowledge of fellowship work. It was an experience- very welcoming and although I didn't go for me and not a meeting directly related to gambling, the principles fit! How much can one woman take??? She deserves some kinda break and peace. Its so difficult being a mum sometimes and soooooo hard not to take on the S***e our kids dump on us. Anyhow, I've done what I can for now....my job's to continue to be a pal to bestie.

Actually, I want to scream and swear today.............lifes so bloody unfair!!!!!!!!!!

s**t seems to be hitting the fan all around me.

Gambling-wise, I'm OK almost 11 months. Really, my issues pale into insignificance at the moment.

Oh! I do have some fab news- son starts new job (long application process!) this month, so not all bad 🙂

Apologies to anyone reading my diary today, its more ranty than ever.

Actually, my head's all over the place. I usually shy away from the term "addict" (hate labels) and don't subscribe to the "dependence=illness" theory. Today's meeting's made me think..............unsure if my thinking's changing but certainly thinking!

its still the same day. Heading for a wine fuelled post that I'll probably regret in the morning!

Sister's just gone home. Again I was soooooo close to telling her. I need to yet I can't! She's left money in my care- last year, this probably wouldn't have been safe- I'd never "steal" yet would "borrow" money I couldn't hope to pay back. Today, its safe. Somehow, borrowing from credit cards was OK in my mind....

Today's CA meeting sparked something in me. I'm still not sure what. Everyday, I encounter "addicts" in my life yet only today do I truly identify. I can be open here, its my space. Anyone reading doesn't know me- I feel safe to offload here. I can "sound daft", express myself (somewhat ineloquently) and reap the benefits..yet in "real life" I hide.

There I few people I've confided in.....colleagues and pals, folk who should understand compulsive behaviours. I'm unsure if they forget, minimise, or don't appreciate the power of gambling uncontrollably- yet still invite me to a "lottery syndicate", casino "night" or Friday bet "for a laugh"! I get cheesed off inside, yet understand that its my problem, not theirs and if they want to, that's fine but please don't ask me!

I love the life I'm making for myself- out most evenings.........gym classes, work stuff and out with pals, yet still feel discontent at times- whats this about?

I feel guilty sometimes that I use this diary as a diary- sometimes seemingly unrelated to gambling, but its very related to me.

I don't mean to offend anyone, but at the time gambling for me served a purpose- let me escape and made me forget. It was a useful tool which I was happy with until I realised actually how, like other addictions, it was destroying me. I was becoming more socially isolated and the escape it offered no longer was pleasurable, If I hadn't lost a massive amount of dosh, I dread to think what my life would be like 11 months on...........I wonder if anyone else wonders about the "what if". I'd either have a wee glory period where I felt flush, or I'd be suicidal about the amounts I'd lost...irrespective of wins or losses, I'd still be in front of a computer, lonely and isolated.

I chose to give up. Thank goodness I did. The past 11 months have offered the most fulfilling time I can remember for me. Yes, I've been there for my son, my family.......now's Irene's time!

I should probably end here lol

Good morning Irene ,

I hope you wont have headache today after an evening with sum red:-)

I'm glad you spend some nice time with sister. Do you really think you need to tell her? I know it helps for some, but in my eyes you doing fantasticly well and getting over the hurdles and bumps. You are back on a straight and narrow and i believe have no plans to do otherwise, so i guess i'm trying to say..you really don't have to tell somebody you not sure you want to tell.... i believe this don't make sense lol, i'm a bit tired this morning lol

And about your posts....YOU PUT IT ALL DOWN GIRL!!! Better out than in...just look at my diary lol...sometimes it's not even one word about gambling...just my life...because as you said - it's all conected.

You are a good person and deserve all the best and happiness darling...and you doing just that..you are enjoying ur life and taking it all back what is rightly yours....

Just live Irene, live and don't look back!!

Doing fab 🙂

Take care xx

P.s. i thought i better stop before highjacked ur diary;-)

Hi Irene... I enjoyed reading your thoughts. Our lives are very different and yet I relate to so much of what you say. Its all the "other" stuff that leads to the gambling, so its all relevant to ones diary.

Good to read that your still going strong despite all that is going on. Am still one week behind you and I intend to keep it that way. Regards... S.A 🙂