What a day!

thanks guys x

Day 329=47 weeks gamble free

Today's been much less hectic. I've had a great kip and no wine!! Friend took me out to lunch today and had a wee wander around shopping centre and great gossip.

Just had Paddy out for his evening stroll...and noticing how the seasons change so quickly- its dark already!

My bestie's family has been more settled today also and she's more at peace so all looking up- we're meeting Friday for lunch (no children, pets or others allowed!) and to have a heart to heart just together to gather out thoughts.

No gambling, no urges so all good 🙂

Oh! an afterthought......spoke today to 2 people who know about my gambling, each of them seemed surprised that I still keep this diary (unsure why I feel this is important to note!)

Hi there

think people feel that once we disclose the problem and it is out there the healing starts and as with appendix, a few weeks recovery and all fixed when it's actually more like a grumbling appendix raising its ugly head over and over which is why we need to be here for the regular dose of medicine.

Just brill that you are heading for a year as it has not been an easy one for you.

xxx

That's so true DF x

Day 330

Bizarre day.....flashbacks of this time last year. This was when my gambling was at its peak (or trough is maybe more appropriate). Remembering stuff I was doing- logging into my phone to gamble between work appointments, rushing home to gamble, basically living for when I could next log on. Spending £££££s yet not appreciating the value of the money. What a waste of my time and energy- I know that now.

Lots of gambling thoughts but none of them positive and certainly no urges, just living with the regret.

Hello My Friend,

Absolutely blown away this morning reading day 330 on your diary. The achievement is amazing but the speed those days days have racked up is phenomenal. I read an article about flies recently and how everything seems to move in slow motion for them hence why we can never swat the blasted things. It mentioned that there could be some truth in time speeding up well seeming too as we get older for humans. It honestly seems like yesterday we first spoke so today I wish I was a fly :).

It still gives me a great buzz to see you checking in on the threads and progressing. I would say yesterday's 'bizarre day' isn't so bizarre and actually in some ways should be welcomed now and again. That occasional little nagging reminder has only served to aid in my recovery. Lots of people say you will never stop getting the gambling thoughts but if none of them are positive that must be a good thing.

November 11th is marked off in my diary 🙂 do not underestimate your achievements it still scares me how so few come to this forum and stay. You are a real inspiration to others.

Flagg

Hi Irene,

It was gr8 2 catch up with u in chat the other nite. U r almost a yr gamble free, wot an achievement. I am so proud of u. We will all be celebrating with u that day 🙂

U r an inspiration, u give me hope 🙂

Also I wanted 2 say a special thank u 4 all ur support and 4 picking me up when I had lost all hope, I would not be where I am 2day without ppl like u 🙂

Have a gr8 day xx

Thanks Mr f and wee C xx

Day 331

Just a quickie this evening- packing for a work's "do". Got a wee overnight outing booked with my guys- a big responsibility but well worth it 🙂

Anyhow, back to the lists!!!!

Hey Irene,

Busy as always:) fantastic darling, take it all back from life..it is your time to shine:)

Nearly a year YAY!!!! xx

Day at a time

Take care and enjoy

Sandra x

thanks S x

day 332

Having a great time-hectic though!

Day 333

Trip was hectic but enjoyable. Not long home and exhausted so heading to bed!

Day 333, that does look good. Thank you very much for being part of the thread, i had planned to do a little posting session just after the thread finished but there just never is enough time and i think by the sounds of it things have been a bit hectic for you also. I do plan on doing another thread which i'll post about soon enough, starting next month and again would be great to have you on board but whatever you feel you wanna do you do. Take care and have a great weekend.

Thanks Dave, think we were posting simultaneously lol!

Day 334

Well, I've got a bit more time today to catch up with my own and others' diaries...already feeling a wee boost after reading Dave999's new thread.

I too find it useful to have reminders of my past mistakes (although the debt letters still fill me with angst!) Recently, I've been having thoughts and lots of reminders of how rubbish my life was this time last year when my gambling was at its worst. Like many other people have posted, at my worst, I avoided "important things" in order to "win".....actually, I didn't start winning until I chose to stop.

Anyhow, that's not happening any longer. Me, my friends and family is my priority. I can hardly believe how much I "postponed" or hurried through in order to gamble.....that's minutes, hours, days I'll never get back and its made me more determined than ever to enjoy and savour new experiences.

My bank statements no longer need to be hidden from myself- I can face my spending and account for most of it (although I'll never be a great money manager!). They used to be hidden, as I hid from the compulsive spending on gambling sites.

I still find it weird to think of myself as a person who prides herself on being honest, could spend so much energy being dishonest with myself.

Anyhow, that's enough rambles for one morning!

Hey Irene

From the Peely Wally sick bay! ..thank you for popping in Irene ...*cough cough splutter splutter.*.lol

Those words there ring so true to me too. How can I be so honest with others and so dishonest with myself. For me that has been a real eye opener as there has been so much I've put up with that I didn't like but tried to kid myself it didn't bother me or I could cope when I couldn't ..( .gambling aside I mean)

This is why I also have been leading very much a double / secret life but the good news is my diary is how I really think..so at least I am being honest now.

I also postpone and hurry over social things as I want to get it over fast and isolate again where I can be myself..I know its a form of functional depression now.

R and Dxxx

Hey Irene,

You go girl!!!!

Past is past, and we learning to live for today...and you my friend...well just BE PROUD!!! You are such a nice person and even if you not putting too much in your diary i can easily tell how honest, caring and loving lady you are:)

Keep fighting the good fight Irene, you seen the benefits for the last year...so why would you want to give it all up??? NO - you know and i know, that you deserve good things in your life, sharing them with your loved ones.

And you doing it daily by making the right choice my friend...keep it up!!!

Take care and have a lovely day:)

Sandra x

P.s. apparently i send request to wrong GC address lol...but sorted it all last night..Opps haha..we will get there eventually:)

Think at times it is really helpful to bring past horrors to the forefront of our minds as so easy to forget the feelings at the time when they are a distant memory as this is what prevents the relapse.

Having said that they should be just fleeting glimpses as its onwards and upwards now.

Enjoy the future, you earned it.

xxx

Thanks DF

Day 336=48 weeks

Oh! Unsure what happened to my post yesterday! Apologies if I've posted it on someone else's diary....I was nightshift and tired! Luckily it was just a check in lol.

Today's been good. Met a pal for lunch and browsed the shops- actually got a couple of things for Christmas pressies. This is early I know, but need to be organised as I cant use plastic lol.

I went along to support besties daughter again yesterday to a meeting (not GA). Been thinking lots about the 12 step model and thinking I understand it a wee bit better. There are bits that are very appealing and other stuff that I'm not entirely comfortable with. It does seem like a nice safe and supportive environment for everyone who goes. Help is given willingly and unconditionally, which is so comforting.

All in all its been a busy and purposeful weekend. 48 weeks free of gambling- who'd have thought it??

There have been a couple of niggley thoughts of gambling- I don't feel safe enough yet to let my Gamblock lapse and plan to renew my subscription next month- it must've been the best £50 I've ever spent. I haven't tried to log on to gambling sites but its comforting to know that its there, protecting me.

I need to give myself a kick- I've let me gym attendance lapse. My plan is to start again this week. I'm on annual leave next week and hope to try a couple of classes that I've not attempted yet. I have a wee chuckle at myself when I think about my life long "anti exercise" campaign. I now acknowledge that this was based on fear- that I'd not be good/ quick/ agile enough and that people would laugh. Now I laugh also when I get stuck, but I try my hardest and that's good enough for me! I also know that everyone else is too engrossed in their own endeavours to worry about laughing at me, and of they are, then so what??

I'm unsure where/when this confidence has come from but I'm not putting my life on hold because of what other (unimportant) folk may think of me!

Oh! that felt like a vicious and determined "!" as I typed lol.