Will she understand and forgive

Tommy you do know who you are however facing up to the issue is a must.

Like me u are a gambler

Mrs Bal accepted like many others and the decision was made to move forward.

As i said before the choice is yours.

Recovery is what matters.

Good luck mate

Bal all I want is to stop and tell my girlfriend everything. I feel so selfish not telling her. I'm actually depressed everyday and I'm putting on a brave face to her parenting I'm ok but really I'm not. My head is wrecked and my heart is broken.
I just know she is going to be so so disappointed In me when I tell her. All I want is life is a family and a home with her. She is everything to me.

Hi Tommy

Only you can make the decison but from my own experience and the many similar situations I have read about on here both from the gamblers perspective and the partners perspective no one ever says I am glad I waited another few weeks to tell their partner.

Your girlfriend is probably going to be a whole combination of upset, hurt, confusion and quite possibly anger when you first tell. You are going to have to suck it up and let her vent. Think about how you would react if she came to you and said she had a gambling problem? Would you walk away or would you want to help and support her? Why would she act any different?

The thing my wife was most upset about was not the money, it was the secrecy and leaving it so long before admitting I had a problem and needed help. Had I had the courage to do it earlier I would have saved myself a lot of despair (and money).

I am not trying to pretend this is an easy thing to do and it will probably be a pretty unpleasant experience to say the least but I honestly can say it was Day 1 for me and things do get better.

Good luck

Muststop123 wrote:

Hi Tommy

Only you can make the decison but from my own experience and the many similar situations I have read about on here both from the gamblers perspective and the partners perspective no one ever says I am glad I waited another few weeks to tell their partner.

Your girlfriend is probably going to be a whole combination of upset, hurt, confusion and quite possibly anger when you first tell. You are going to have to suck it up and let her vent. Think about how you would react if she came to you and said she had a gambling problem? Would you walk away or would you want to help and support her? Why would she act any different?

The thing my wife was most upset about was not the money, it was the secrecy and leaving it so long before admitting I had a problem and needed help. Had I had the courage to do it earlier I would have saved myself a lot of despair (and money).

I am not trying to pretend this is an easy thing to do and it will probably be a pretty unpleasant experience to say the least but I honestly can say it was Day 1 for me and things do get better.

Good luck

Couldn't have put it better myself. I waited over 2 weeks to tell my wife from when I had my 7 minutes of devastation and although it was absolutely horrible for a day or two worrying I'd now made my predicament a whole lot worse, it soon then allowed me to face this battle without keeping it a secret and knowing I had support.

She won't ever understand really, my wife now gets why I was led to doing what I did but doesn't understand how a compulsive gambler can be lured in so ruthlessly. Being able to just talk and talk now about my problem is helping me massively and also giving her the chance to see that although I've got an addiction and it's serious, I'm also still a sane person and not much of at all different to whom she thought I was. That's an important thing for your partner to see I think, to see the real you and that you're no longer hiding anything.

Sophia wrote:

yrI think you need to tell her as soon as possible. I found out 3 days ago that my boyfriend is a heavy gambler and nearly £200000 in debt, £120000 of which to bad people, who keep raising his loans, charge heavy interest and entice him to play cards every time he makes a repayment. He goes to repay £5000, loses £7000 and his debt goes up. When I met him, it was love at first sight, but he has shut me out completely and is refusing any help. So we split up yesterday. I’m not sure what happened but we were supposed to spend this weekend together, but somehow he is now organising a card party at his home for the people he owes money to. I’m worried sick. I love him and would do anyhting to support him, but he has shut me out completely. I can’t get him to even visit this forum. When I first found out, my first feeling was relief that he didn’t have someone else, and thinking, we can sort this out, I will help him. Unfortunately, he won’t let me. Please do tell your girlfriend. The fact you are on this forum means you’re doing something to fix yourself. I woukd give anything for him to be where you are.

£200k? Wow. I don't really have the words to say anything to that. I honestly wish you all the luck in the world to sort that out. Huge amount of cash. Is getting the police involved an option? Sounds like a form of blackmail or extortion.

Bal wrote: Sorry Tommy but time for some tough love. Dont want to hurt her - damage already done. Turn back time - every addict on here could do with that. Everything to me - is she or is it the gamble instead. How about identifying some practical things. Counselling. GA. Things that might help your recovery. Things that when you tell her you are an addict you can show you are trying to deal with your addiction. What would happen if she finds out about your addiction? Only you can answer that but you must begin to take steps in your recovery. Best wishes

+1

Sometimes a bit of truth can hurt but you need to hear it Tommy. Good luck squire. When I told my wife she was just annoyed that I felt I couldn't come to her for help. Money was sorted eventually but the hiding of the habit was trust breaking to the point I almost lost her. Don't think she will walk away ( she might) but if you're bond is strong, she'd rather you were honest to her than hiding behind a set of lies. July wedding is weeks away. Get it done before so that you can go to the wedding knowing your plan to stop is in place and you'll enjoy it better without the cloud hanging over you.

Can I also add, if you go on here first thing in the morning and read some of the stories on here, it REALLY helps fortify you to not gamble that day.

Thanks I will post on when I tell her everything. Please wish me luck and pray for me.

Going back to your post tommyb you mention so much debt. The main thing is that you are ready to stop gambling otherwise its like putting a sticky plaster on a badly cracked damm wall

If you tell someone in the right way it eases the situation. That means cards in hand and handing them over with a clear plan of breaking the time money location triangle.

A born again moment is about facing your situation and not being afraid to tell the truth. I cant think of a sutuation where that secret saves anybody as people find out anyway and the stress will probably be showing on you.

Secrets lead to renewed gambling as you get some mad idea that you can secretly replace the money while your wife and children remain smiling in the living room. As compulsive gamblers it went much further than just replacing a months wages and brushing it off.

You do have to put the money behind you though and you have to use whatever thought process to do that. I hate what gambling does to people and you cant let debt make you ill with worry. Theres a point where the lender bears the brunt but I understand we can be tied up with mortgages and all sorts of things.

Try and get some more support from friends and family. I dont see any alternative to telling people close to you but its your relationship and your decision.

Theres never really a right moment although obviously some moments are better than others. You are in a fear zone so try and spell out what you are really scared of happening. Why are the extra weeks of delay helping?

Keep talking about it and please ring gamcare again because the one to one voice is a good way of talking it through. A GA meeting would be good and you can hear what others there say when you tell your story

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Look I'm telling her everything around the 4th July as I can't cope anymore. I pray every day that she will understand and help me. This is ruining my life and my mental health. I will let you all know how it pans out when I tell her. I just don't want to hurt her

I'm back gambling.. I closed my online account in at start on may and I excluded myself from all the 1s I used but last week I found 1 who let me join. I'm at the stage now were I'm just trying to win money to cover my debts. It's not even fun anymore. I actually don't enjoy gambling anymore. Is that weird. Im only doing it to get out off trouble but it's making my trouble worse. Everytime I do a bet now iv got it in my head I'm going to win and be able to be debt free before I tell my girlfriend. It never happens and I am now in a real state of depression. I act to my friends and family and my girlfriend that I'm ok but to be honest I am far from OK. I'm actually really worried about my mental health. I need to get this out of my system. I think when u tell her a great weight will be lifted from my shoulders and I can really start to beat this. I'm afraid because I won't be able to do it without her by my side. I actually hate myself for being like this. Am I a bad person????

Sorry if this is going to sound blunt [coming from someone who is hopefully going to be at the 100 day GF mark this month]...Tell her and tell her now, every day you dont tell her is a day she is more likely going to be more up set or likely to leave you... we have all messed up with this addiction but the best bit for you will be the feeling of relief when you get it off your chest... tough love coming here but its what i nneeded to sort myself out... so man up and tell her if you really care about what she wants cuz its obvious you need her help with this and the longer you dont tell her the more trouble you will be in :]

good luck friend

I hope you are right and thank you

Tommy,

What do u expect us to say for gods sake. Stop making excuses, procrastinating, or whatever you want to call it.

Take a look at yourself and listen to the kind advice given by many.

Stop wallowing and deal with it.

I am going to deal with it. I'm telling her everything on 3rd July and that's a promise.