Will she understand and forgive

Hi Tommy,

I've been following this thread very closely and you've received some excellent advice from those of us in the same boat as us (recovering problem gamblers), and those who have suffered as a results (our loved ones who don't deserve this and need to know).

We give out a lot of 'tough love' here and, frankly, it's what we need.

You have said that you are going to tell you girlfriend; that's great. The issue is when you are going to tell her, and what you are doing meantime.

The problem is that meantime you have been continuing to gamble which is simply going to make this bad situation much, much worse.

You've said your stressed and depressed (putting on a brace face) but also that she is stressed too. It sounds like a powder keg situation that needs to be dealt with in the best way possible.

You've looked at '3rd July' as the day you're going to tell her, so as not to ruin her birthday, but she might well think you've cynically held back deliberately. Whilst her birthday might have gone off ok (despite all the underlying stress) you might be storing up a year of trouble afterwards, as the penny drops, in her eyes, as she sees how you've planned telling her.

That said, timing is important but there's another angle. What are you doing about the gambling meantime?

At the very minimum, you MUST stop; right now. No excuses about stress; the stress will start to dissipate as soon as you implement a meaningful strategy to stop.

You've recognised that your willpower is insufficient. So's mine, incidentally, so I have had to put other things in place, like so many of us.

You need to immediately use tools to prevent you gambling, even if you want to. Gamban, Gamstop for online. Search the Gamcare site to prevent you gambling in bookies, casinos and amusement arcades. But you must put the work in now and do it. JFDI - that's the acronym.

Seriously consider handing over financial control, maybe to your best friend or family member. Once you've told your partner, maybe she'll look after your finances. It would show respect for her, at least. And peace of mind that you're not going to waste away money that is part of her future, too.

Phone Gamcare, get some counselling. Phone GA, look into going to a meeting.

A flurry of activity that proves your intent to stop, and live a better life for your and your girlfriend, surely has to be the way forward.

This isn't a cynical exercise to say to your girlfriend: "I've been heavily gambling but I'm doing something about it'; this will only work if you mean it and can prove to her that you are taking active measures that you mean and will continue. Not for a week, or month, but potentially forever.

Because this isn't an addiction that ever goes away, in my opinion. But we can keep it dormant.

In my view, I wouldstop wallowing and dreading 'the day' (3rd of June) and take FULL (not half) measures NOW.

Also, why not visit your doctors. You've got a problem. See what help he can provide. Talk it through; this will help rationalise your thoughts. Phone Gamcare; they'll be at the end of the phone for as long as you need.

Remember, if nothing changes, nothing changes.

As for when you tell your girlfriend, well, that's up to you. But put yourself in her boots. When would you want to be told, and how?

The first thing to do? Phone Gamcare to help yourself plan your strategy. Then then carry it out. The strategy includes when to talk to your partner.

I hope this helps,

Mixer

Tommy B - You will hurt your girlfriend. You are an addict, in desperate need of help. Whether you tell her now, the 3rd July, the first week of July or the 4th July - (all dates you've commited to above) it is all acedemic, you will hurt her all the more. So you keep your S***e together until then, you are the model boyfriend for her birthday, for your friends wedding - then two days later you say, oh yeah, about that - it was all a lie.

Of course that is going to make her feel better. Oh no, no it wont, it will help you save face. Your friends will be on honeymoon - your girlfriends best friends are away having the time of their lives and you are home, telling the truth.

You are asking if it makes you a bad person, you are seeking reassurance from strangers.

This is not all OK, your actions are not OK, you are an addict and you need help. today. not tomorrow.

I know how it is mate. I am also an addict. It is S***e, horrifying, I still don't realy understand how I managed to become an addict, when, how, why. I am seeking help, I am talking to whoever I can, I want to try and understand and I want to live life without gambling. Gambling beat me. I lost. I can accept it now, I will never win but I am now playing my own game, I want my gamble free days to outweigh my gamblign days, I'm currently 432 days gamble free, i have about 9,800 days to go to reach break even. It's a long road, it's hard but one day at a time, I will make it. There are still consequences to face but I will no longer hide. My name is Dan, I am a addicted gambler. Today I choose not to gamble.

I am very grateful to myself for finally picking up the phone and calling my sister. She had to call me back because I was unable to talk properly, she then arranged last minute childcare and drove 2 hours to see me.

I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel and all because I picked up the phone and said, Hi, I'm addicted to gambling, I need your help.

I am choosing to face my addiction. I am choosing to not gamble.

I cannot control what any of it means for my wife. I can offer her no words, no promises, I can and am just trying to tackle my addiction head on. If my actions are enough for her to stay in our marriage then I will be a very happy and grateful man but there is no point in me putting energy into words, promises, there is no point in me prioritising our relationship over my gambling addiction. I have a priority and I am working on that, I have to save myself first and foremost, I have to better myself, then I can be the man I want to be, I can be the husband my wife thought and wants me to be.

All the time I was gambling, I was not that person, not that man and everyday I gambled without telling her was a bit more pain for her to face.

I wish you well, my heart goes out to you, I recall vividly the desperation you feel right now but this is your life, your fight and only you can choose how to deal with it.

Some choices are better than others though and it is about time you started making better ones.

TommieB - any updates - hope you are staying strong but dont worry if you arent just try and keep posting for now

Thanks for all your support... But I think it's best I tell her after her birthday as I know how important birthdays are to her. This could be the last birthday I ever spend with her and I want to make it a good 1 for her. I will let you know the outcome. If it's very bad news you probably won't hear much. Thank you for everything. All I can do now is pray for help and forgiveness.

If it is bad news i would expect u back on here for advice on how to make things better. Perhaps this time you will take some on board.

Happy birthday

BUT

I am a gambling addict who has lied for the last few months.

Between now and then perhaps you could begin to sow the seeds of recovery so that when you explain your addiction you can also show some practical steps you are taking. You never know. It might just help. Counselling. GA whatever. All I am hearing is i will lose her. Do something about it then because July is a big month for you. No more sweeping things under the carpet

I wish you well

tommyb wrote: I don't think yous understand what I'm saying. It's her birthday at the start of July and I don't want to tell her now because it will bring her world crashing down and ruin her birthday. I'm thinking of her here.... I actually love her so much and I don't want to ruin her big day. I promise you all I'll tell her straight after her birthday weekend. This is my choice and my decision as all I want to do is get better and make her proud of me again

Oh we understand all too well. The point here is we understand this more than you do.

One of the first things most partners think is why didnt you tell me sooner. In that moment they wont care whether it was a good birthday. That birthday will seem badly tainted because the day was living through a lie.

If there is bad news coming I wouldnt thank you for pretending everything is ok

Its not going to get better because you bought a wonderful pressie and had a day out. Not unless that pressie was worth more than your gambling debt and can be sold straight away if you get my point.

You cant buy time with this addiction. You are putting it off and you are delusional. What do you think is going to happen. Easily replacing all the money and she is none the wiser? Its gone way past that or we could all have sorted our problems out.

Look you know her better than we do but you are just deluding yourself. You are missing the point...you know you are in trouble but whats worse? Im telling you that an active gambling problem is far worse than facing it and getting help.

Telling us only goes so far. You are not ready to stop at the moment, youve got big secrets and thats what a gambling addiction is.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Stop making excuses tommy her birthday is in 3 weeks if you told her tonight you could be well on the way to recovery then and she may actually be able to enjoy the birthday... even if you wait and she has a great birthday and you tell her the week after, that birthday will always be in her mind as the one where she found out you were gambling just after her birthday.... be honest with us now as we all know the problem.... have you gambled since your first post??? if the answer if yes then you are kidding yourself thinking you will ein big and save your a*s... even if you did win i guaruntee down the line you would be in an even worse position than now...

sorry if this bit sounds bluint but there are plenty of people on here that are willing to listen and take advice and it gives me great pleasure to help them but to me personally it does not seem like you want to stop at all and are just using this birthday as an excuse.

i hope im wrong but believe me if you wanted to stay together you would tell her now... just send a text as long as you comunicate it it is out there....

tunnie x

The key here that has been said is you are not ready. It's all excuses. Your confession will not stop you. Your girlfriend won't stop you. Only you, only when you make the decision, the choice. If you rely on telling your girlfriend as the day you stop what will happen if she says no way! Lying is control. Manipulation and control, secrets and lies, its all addiction. Addiction wants you to continue. You have to stop for you, no one else. No one can answer your question whether she will stay or go. The question should be how do I stop, where do I go for help, what blocks do I need?

Hi Tommy

I’ve just read through this thread again and I am not sure there is much more anyone can add. The advice is consistent but not what you want to hear so you are going to ignore it. It is a fairly common stage of denial that many of us have gone through.

However I don’t want you to feel that we are bullying you into decisions you don’t want to make and drift away, because you are going to need help, probably even more so because of your poor choices, and I really hope you can stay on this forum and get the help and support of others who have gone through similar experiences.

Keep posting, whatever the outcome, and I am sure the good people here will help. The reason most of us are on here is we (or our families/friends) have made poor decisions which have had have terrible impacts on our lives.

Good luck

I think other people have hit the nail on the head... you have come on to a forum which shows you know you have a problem... you are then asking for advice which is definitely the right thing to do but then you dont like the advice as its not what you are hoping for so are chosing to ignore it so you have done 2 out of 3 things needed to start to get help but your chosing not to do the last one as its hard... like others have said when you are really ready then by all means ask for more advice but until you are maybe just read other posts until you understand what you need to do :]

Hi Tommy, i’ve Been reading through your post and I think by now you know that the general consensus is that you should tell your girlfriend. It does definitely help to come clean and start to rebuild your life, however when you do that is your choice. I can understand what you are saying about your girlfriends birthday and if thats when you want to tell her then go for it, as long as you do as it will help you massively in the long run. I suppose the key question is if you are still gambling? If the answer is No then your plan seems fine to me, however if the answer is Yes then I would have to agree with everyone else that you should come clean now. 3 weeks is a long time and severe damage can be done in that period. I hope you come to the right decision in your mind and I wish you well on your journey.

Tommie - hope you're doing OK still - this is tough, it's tough now and I've managed to reach 438 days without gambling, I remember only too well, just how difficult and draining it is to be where you are right now. Sadly I have been there many times. I just thought I'd repost as I think MGR.not for the first time, makes such a great point. It's really not about your gf, it is about you not being ready. It doesn't feel like it, you wont believe it but honestly, that is how badly this addiction manipulates you. I thought for years I was ready to quit, I thought I was done with gambling and yet I kept going back, no matter what the potential consequences, no matter the length of deceipt I had to go to, I just wasnt ready.

I really hope you are nearly there, my thoughts will be with you and I really do wish you all the best when you are ready to confess and I really hope the support you need is there when you are ready to tackle this

tunnie123 wrote:

Stop making excuses tommy her birthday is in 3 weeks if you told her tonight you could be well on the way to recovery then and she may actually be able to enjoy the birthday... even if you wait and she has a great birthday and you tell her the week after, that birthday will always be in her mind as the one where she found out you were gambling just after her birthday.... be honest with us now as we all know the problem.... have you gambled since your first post???

1000 times this....Why feel like s**t for 3 weeks when you can get it out of the way and have fun on her birthday?

Thanks for the comments but I know my girlfriend more than anyone on here and if I tell her now it will completely ruin our best friends wedding and her birthday for her. She has be looking so forward to it and I'm not going to ruin it for her.
I have said I will tell her on 3rd off July and what will be will be.
This is my choice and I would really appreciate some support on my decision.

It is your decision mate, but people will only support your decision if they think its right. not one person on here has said to tell her after all of this... and by you not answering the question i think we can assume that you are still gambling in the mean time... you may know your girlfriend well but like so many have pointed out, this is nothing to do with your girlfriend... YOU are an addict and YOU need to get the help now. you are using the girlfriend thing as an excuse not to stop.... no one is judging you as we have all done the same in the past so we all can see what you are doing. you will tell yourself we are all wrong because as gamblers who are not ready to quit thats what we do. she proobably already knows something is up mate [women have a 6th sense for this kind of thing] and she probably thinks its worse than it is. you may actually find she is releived that it is not something else.

i know you want to listen to us mate hense why you are still readingwhat everyone is posting for you... if you really thought we were talking rubbish you wouldnt come back. just think if you had told her this on the day you first posted you could pretty much be a changed man by now but i guaruntee you are still up late gambling or cant sleep, still nervous every time your phone rings and its your girlfriend, still thinking that £1 on roulette can turn into 10k and save your a*s.

if you wont listen to us dude just please answer these 2 questions...

1] are you or have you gambled since your first post

2] what is waiting really going to achieve [do you really think she is going to say aww thanks babe for not elling me on my birthday or around the wedding your so thoughtful... no she is still going to be fuming with you probably even more than if you told her now...]

tunnie x