Feeling Lost

Hi De

I'm so sorry to read this and am sorry that I am from the community on your husband's side. I do thank you for writing this topic. In some small way I hope this message gives you a little smile of happiness from a bad situation. When someone brave enough like yourself, as a partner of a gambler, reaches out on this community it reminds so many of us addicts of the harm we have done. For me, reading your post makes me even more determined to be the best version of myself today. Maybe my partner should be saying thank you to you and not myself.

I'm not going to tell you the obvious but I'm going to take a wild guess that your husband has tried to give up by going cold turkey ? That really doesn't work.

From my own perspective, I had to give up for myself. I think it would be worth you doing some research on this disease for yourself. It's a mental illness and by the figures you are talking, your husband has an issue and has crossed the line. If he does get help for himself and works at recovery he will be a different person but I'm not going to say what that looks like. From experience I had to find that for myself. I was pushed by others so many times.

So that you know where I am coming from, my shocking CV is 44 years of being a slave to the addiction followed by 136 days gamble free. To give you some hope, I gave up 136 days a go and have not placed a single bet, played a slot, lottery or raffle, not even a sportsman bet with a friend. That's not shame or ego in this paragraph but giving you some hope that change is possible if he wants it.

There is a big part of this that you have been hurt. Can I suggest you click the button bottom right which says speak to someone. You can ring or text chat with the amazing advisors who can help and signpost you to support. I'm sure you are strong but you need to look after yourself. 

If you have any questions at all please just ask and I will reply where I can from the other side of the fence. There are also many affected others on this site so I hope they can reply to you as well. 

Hi De, 

I am really sorry you are going through this at the moment. I can really hear the pain in your words. 

I can also relate to some of the things you have written as an affected other. 

This behaviour sounds like gasighting, and manipulation from an addict deeply in the spell of addiction. The lies, the turning on you as a result of his actions and the out-of-control behaviour. 

When I was going through a similar thing with my partner, he would make me feel like I was going crazy even when I knew he was gambling, and I had proof. I used to journal a lot, writing all my feelings down and letting everything out as a way to cope. I also became part of a life-changing support group called WINGS for women who have been affected by a loved one's gambling. They were a lifesaver for me, especially during times when my own self-esteem and mental health were at breaking point. 

The problem with this addiction is not only does it destroy the addict if it doesn't get under control, but it has such devastating consequences for loved ones. Your husband is the only person who can change this, and only he can put the steps in place. If he doesn't, there is nothing you can do, even as devastating and tiresome as that may be. 

I know it's probably the last thing on your mind right now, but I would recommend prioritizing your own mental health and self-care. Talk to one of the advisors on the helpline, contact WINGS and get as much support as you can. 

You may feel vulnerable and isolated right now, but it's important to get help and support and know you are not alone.