Hope

Hi everyone

This is difficult for me to find the right words but I would like to say something this morning for anyone who is taking the time to read it. I feel I need to add an opening qualification as I don't want my words to be misconstrued and away from the true heart meaning they are written with. What I'm about to write has no ego behind it (I left that at the door of my last GA meeting and it sits there waiting to strike back at any point). There is also no shame in the words so please don't think it's self pity. I know what i have done. I imagine the harm I've done to others and will never belittle that or blame it on my mental health controlled by addiction. 

So, there is hope. It's not easy but what you put into recovery you get back ten fold. At a point you can enjoy recovery, not least of all from a community who becomes your family and your tribe.

As many know, it's not a badge of honour but for those that don't, it's a back story of where I am coming from. I gambled for 44 years. When I was 11 and coming up for 12, I went into an arcade for the first time. I was hooked from then and wanted to go straight back. I lost a large amount of money for that age so the addiction was firmly in place and growing. On 19th November last year at 11.34am after my last gambling stint to say goodbye to the industry, I gave up and started a new life. That time is when I self excluded for the maximum 5 years with auto renewal and no notification. I will always remember that date and time because I was broken. I knew then I could never place any form of bet again. I knew I had to throw as much into my recovery as I did gambling. I knew it was going to tough but I only had one recovery in me so it had to work the first time. From that point I took the cotton wool buds out of my ears and put them in my mouth. I listened !!! I connected . What I learned I put into practice. I no longer wanted to be perfect but just the best version of myself. That 11 year old child was a good person and he's been growing in the background fighting a losing battle with the addiction but no longer. 

I'm still in early stages of recovery but I will never be cured. Progress not perfection. I work every day on Stuart's thinking processes and be of service to myself, my family, friends and the recovery community. Anyone reading this post in ten years time will still see me on here. My three GA groups will fight in ten years time who presents the ten year pin as I will be there each week from now until then. My "chair" in the 9pm LA international GA room online, Gamfam zooms, the modern meeting and others will be worn out through me sitting on it each week. That's my promise to this community. 

I'm going to make a statement which I know, none of us in this community should ever say as it's only ever one day at a time. I will never gamble again, never. I will never say I am recovered because it's with me for life but I will never gamble again. 

I've done pretty much every type of gambling in my life, told every lie, manipulated people and situations, borrowed and stole money. 

For anyone reading this, there is hope, you can have an amazing new life without gambling.

This week I've had everything life can throw at me but I've not looked for an escape and I've not gambled