Hi, I’ve just found out that my husband of nearly 30 years has had a gambling addiction since he was 18. I knew he liked a go on the slot machines and we did have to take a large loan out a few years ago to cover a tax bill and credit cards after Covid. He told me then that some of it was from gambling but I didn’t realise how bad it was till a few days ago. I was playing a game on his phone and a message came up saying he’d not payed a loan. I asked him outright and he confirmed he’d ran up another credit card due to his gambling. I’m devastated, he has access to my dead sisters money in a building society account for her sons who I’m caring for and he’s admitted using some of it. He’s called to get help and is talking to me about how bad he feels and wants to stop. He’s got blocks on all gambling sights now, I’m just overwhelmed with it all. I want to support him as I love him dearly but my heads all over the place and I feel very hurt and betrayed, anyone else been through this? Any help and advice is greatly appreciated.
Hi @London Lady and welcome to the forum. Thank you for joining and being so open and honest about your experiences.
I'm sure the forum community will have lots of support and insight to share - I just wanted to let you know that you can get in touch on the helpline anytime, an adviser will always be here for you.
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Take care,
Phoebe
Forum Admin
Hi
There are much better people on here from your side of the fence and I'm sure many will reply
My name is Stuart and as I say at every Gamblers Anonymous meeting I am a compulsive gambler. 136 days ago and after 44 years of gambling I admitted to myself, family, friends and this community that I was powerless over it, I was broken and I needed help. This is a mental illness but with work it can be arrested. It's not a take it or leave it recovery for me, it takes work everyday. Today and just for today I have been kind and loving to everyone. The real me walks and talks today and in the last 136 days I have not placed a single bet or come close to it.
I'm not saying any of this as an ego trip. I'm not saying it to make myself feel good and I'm not saying I'm perfect at all. I am trying to give you hope. If your husband wants a life that is incredible then it's waiting for him
My only advice is to talk. Signpost and talk but he has to do this for himself. Interventions don't work, it's better to talk honestly to him and express how you feel. Support is everything if he wants to give up and never go backÂ
Hi London Lady
I am an affected other, my uncovered my wife, of 23 years, as a gambling addict in Par last year. I felt all the same things as you currently are.
Every journey is differnet, me fi ding out was a blessing in disguise for her, she grabbed the opportunity to get on the recovery pathway with both hands, she has recived lots of support, via counselling, online sessions, courses, as I have as well.
She has done all the blockers and has GamBan installed, my support was all about taking control of the situation, removing access to money, learning about the addiction and just being there to support her, when times got tough I took her out to take her mind of it.
In 10 days she will have hit the 365 days gamble free, not a single relapse.
Happy to share more of my lived experience as an affected other, so please do ask any questions, patience and understanding are key, as Sturart says it is an illness, but one that has lots of support available.
Hi Stuart, thank you for your honesty and Dougie your reply gives me hope. I’ve just had a really bad few days coming to terms with it all and how he hid it so well. Our life is very complicated, we live over 100 miles apart as I’m raising my nephews as tragically both Mum and Dad passed away last year. I really want to support him but I’m so scared because of the distance between us and I fear he will tell me what I want to hear. I guess baby steps, he’s admitted it to me and has reached out for help. For me it’s the trust issues and I’m not sure how to overcome this, did you feel this way?
Hi London Lady,Â
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I am a peer supporter volunteering for GamCare and have experience as an affected other.Â
I can completely understand the emotional toll you are going through right now. To spend 30 years of your life with someone and then to have the trust broken is painful. I can relate to that overwhelming feeling. This addiction is cruel and devastating for both the individual and the loved ones that have to go through it. I can imagine your heads all over the place right now, and it's hard to separate the person you love from the person who could do all the bad things an addict does when they are under the spell of their addiction.Â
For me, I had limited support during my partner's first relapse, but I would highly recommend a woman's support group for people who have been affected by another's gambling. It was called WINGS, and they were a lifesaver for me, even just processing everything I went through and sharing my story with others who had been through a similar thing.Â
It sounds like your husband is taking steps to make changes, so that sounds positive, but it may also be good for both of you individually or as a couple to have counselling, which I personally found very beneficial.Â
The only person that can recover from this addiction is the addict themselves, so if he is willing to and wants to change, you can both work through it, but to get trust back can take a very long time. I also agree with what Dougie says that every journey is different. I believe that's the same for the loved ones of an addict.Â
There is support out there though, and you will get through this. Just remember you are not alone and there is help there both for you and your husband.
Kind Regards,Â
JadeÂ
Thank you Jade for reaching out to me, yes I’m all over the place. I’ve had such a lot going on with the loss of my sister and relocating to look after them both. This is what worry’s me the most, the distance between us, we see each other every other weekend so life is extremely tough! Once my head has stopped spinning I’m going to look into support for myself so that I can really understand  this all
Hi London Lady
I'm so sorry to hear this and that's tough. As everyone says, the only person that can give up is the addict. I am just starting to build back trust with my partner over 137 days gamble free from my actions, but it's going to be a long road and when things happen there will always be that sunken feeling that she worries and I understand that. She doesn't have control of my money but I get receipts for everything, have all the blocks in place and she checks my banking app.Â
She has said to me quite a few times that she blames herself for not seeing it. This addiction is shocking. The depths it will take us to, our beyond any morals. It's isolating and controls every part of us. It really is a mental illness and was diagnosed by the NHS a few years ago. I have friends with multiple addictions including alcohol and drugs, all of them say that gambling is the hardest one to give up. For those of us who cross the line of no return, it's the only addiction that tells you that the way out, to get the money back, to make up for the lies is to keep doing it for higher and higher amounts. Please don't think I am trying to blame everything on my addiction but it's true.Â
As Jade said, there are support groups out there that can really help youÂ
Thank you Stuart much appreciated for sharing your experienceÂ
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