So here we are, another sleepless night and scrolling between the Gamcare forums and b****5. I know its now time to stop, but I'm going to need some support to get through this.
I'm 39 years old, about 40k in debt - not all gambling, but it has contributed considerably. I've lost so much time over the years betting on football matches. I've gambled for at least 20 odd years. The bookies have mastered a divide and conquer on my salary each month. Win or lose I always return. I'm never up, this year on my account it says I've deposited 10k alone, it's insane just typing it. Gambled over 40k. I'm hooked.
I've self excluded, I've used Gamstop, I've blocked my bank account from gambling transactions. I've done it all, but I've found a loophole which I'm gambling with. I tried to close it last night and I was physically shaking I couldn't do it. The thought of not being able to gamble stopped me.
But I know I need to close the well, shut off the power and means to gamble and start my recovery. I'm chasing one big win to get of of it, and I know deep down its not going to happen. I've been here before three years ago, I had about 3k of debt on a credit card, won the lot to pay it off. Paid the credit card, and within the month I'd spent it again.
That's when I spoke to a someone, a counsellor. Only for a few weeks, then convinced myself I didn't need it. How wrong was I, three years later 40k down.
My wife doesn't know how bad my gambling is, and I don't think I could tell her. I don't want to disappoint her or give her the worry. I'm not ready for that.
So next steps, I've arranged a therapist for after the new year, I'm going to try CBT - thought? Any good?
I'm going to close the well, the secret account. And there goes my access. Just need to climb that mountain.
Time is of essence, I'm due to get an inheritance, not a much and not enough to clear the debt. But if I don't quit now I'll convince myself that I can win enough with that money to pay it all off. That germ of an idea is already in my head.
Sorry for the long post, I don't know if anyone will read or identify with this, but this has been cathartic to write this. This addiction is my secret hidden vice. Locked away and keeping me awake at night. But until I get the support I need I'll be on here scrolling trying to stay away from gambling.
Hello jcr001
It's good to see you here and many thanks for posting on the Forum. Many people find it very useful to get some advice and support for how to deal with the impact of gambling harm and I hope that you can to.
I have noticed that you mentioned your unfortunate experience with GamStop and that you have managed to find away around the Self Exclusion. I would like to suggest putting in place Blocking Software
Our Advisers are available 24/7 to help you through this difficult time in early Recovery. You can contact them by either calling our Helpline 0800 8020 133 or Livechat option.
I encourage you to contact us so we can discuss the best way forward.
Best
Amanda
Forum Admin
@jcr001 All the things you've done so far to help yourself is great but can I suggest that the things you are not ready to do yet are the important ones which will help with the support you need. Talk to your wife otherwise you'll find a way to lose your inheritance or better still, you'll clear your debts and continue downwards. This illness gets worse, not better, with time and if you feel bad now just imagine how much worse you can get.
Secondly, find a GA group. There's no one who can give you more support than others like you. You aren't alone but your addiction will find any excuse to stop you helping yourself.
Take that next step.
Chris.
Hi JCR and you are very welcome!
Youve made a hugely important step writing those words...more important than you may know.
I see the reticence in your words and that is the addiction talking to you. It wont let you go easily because it likes its drug fix and doesnt want you to spoil that.
You now need focus to realise this is actually a rock bottom moment for you...look again at those figures and somehow you need to realise that you cant keep secrets from people close. You know the reality checks are needed and the serious reality checks are coming which is why the addiction fears telling the truth to your wife.
You are riding those serious losses like we all did. I dont know how you are doing it but I know the stress and misery it causes. Its no good having a tough exterior as those facts will be eating you up inside.
You must stop now and close that loophole. Gambling does not owe you anything because you are are tens of thousands down.....it does not work like that...new day.... same cold odds...same mugs game!
Talk it through with us...Its fundamentally NOT an income scheme and its NOT a get it back later scheme. You are hooked on the act of gambling and deep down you KNOW its a waste of time.........just like any drug addict.
Time is of the essence or you will blow that inheritance. There is ultimately no shame in reaching out for help. We were so addicted that we gambled with our relationships.
You arent just throwing money away....you are gambling away your self respect your dignity......your relationships........ everything important in your life!!
The proud thing to do is to protect your wife and she must know as soon as possible.. she would have found out anyway.
You do need help and you cant do this alone. The cold turkey you need is about forcing yourself to block everything now and then give your mind a chance to heal.
What makes the addiction cower is your determination not to let your wife down and yourself again. Its living on an allowance and you accept the humility to surrender to something far more powerful than you.
Thats what being a true man is about...not bottling it up like a tough guy
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Thank you all for replying, for the advice and encouragement. I know I need to take some big steps over the next few days and weeks. My behaviour needs to change and need to focus doing the right thing.
Don't if I'm just being pragmatic or silly, but in I'm my head I just want made some clear steps before I reveal everything to everyone. "Yes this is bad, I have an addiction. I can see that now, but here are the steps I'm taking to fix it."
It just feels like a deeply personal thing I'm going through and I want to feel like I'm making progress. Don't know if that makes sense.
Thanks all.
Hi
Yes you can think about the words you are going to use. have you a brother or sister you can talk to...How about your parents?
You can choose your moment but you cant leave it too long. Do you understand and agree that secrets are no good for you with this addiction? Its proven that keeping secrets just leads to serious mental health issues and relapses.
It most often take a rock bottom moment for gamblers to start doing whats needed to recover. Thats the tragedy of it all.
Personally I was crying for three days in a darkened room....I got up...picked the phone up and got the words out to my father
Not easy and the words were jumbled but I got them out. I knew in my heart that they had to come out. It was a strange moment but just seemed so perfectly right.
In that moment I didnt ultimately care about myself but knew the TRUTH had to be spoken
I knew it would protect my parents money as I had been defrauding them with lies to get bailouts. I knew it would make a big change and I knew I needed serious help.
I knew the gambling was killing me and Ive gambled away the price of a house over the years.
Gambling has got even deeper lows if you continue. Surely you need to face those amounts of money and stop the gambling. Its a secret hidden vice because we know its wrong and confusing behaviour.
Think it through by all means and keep talking it through on the forum...ring Gamcare as many times as you like and put questions to them...its good to hear a one to one voice...see what they can set up for you.
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
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