Hello, first day here I'm Jake

@zq7i2rjg1p if it makes u feel better my family still bring up my past and still have no understanding about the addiction i did come clean however they think i have been clean for over 10 years which is not the case i have had to do this on my own i had to refer myself to Ga unfortunately i went for number of years until i was advised about Ga has i couldnt regularly attend Ga meetings which was the best thing thing they could do since then i have learnt alot and i have spent time on understanding this addiction it become a routine rather a chore however the main thing my life a million times better and i wouldnt want it any other way my family has no clue but they have started praising all thanx to no gambling if something needs doing i am their and they can see the change👍

@tazman that's good to hear and glad you have managed it and got some support, I am not sure when I will tell my family, obviously my wife has but me coming clean is a different conversation entirely

Welcome to the forum @ChefJake

I can see you're already receiving some great support from others so do continue reaching out to our online community, I can hear you are determined to stop gambling and have put measures in place already to do so - which is great to hear.

It sounds like it's a difficult time for you navigating both your recovery and the impact its had on your wife - I just wanted to make you aware that we also provide support for those affected by someone's gambling, so if your wife wanted to reach out herself she can do so anytime - we are open 24/7.

We are also available on the helpline 24/7 for you to get some further support, we also do referrals for 1 to 1 support if this was something you felt you would like to access.

Best wishes,

Phoebe

Forum Admin

@forum-admin thank you, so far this site has been invaluable, still struggling with some aspects but others I am feeling like I've got a good *** on and ready to tackle. I have told my wife you offer spousal support so she is aware but I'm not going to force her to use it obviously. I  am waiting for my 1-1 email support to reply should be tomorrow or next day and then see how that goes in the mean time I'm trying to read on here, drop into chat rooms and just get on with my days, the more I think about it all the more this is going to be a lifetime of trauma and issues I've never fully dealt with and always brushed under the carpet that have led me to this position that I need to stand up and address regardless of how uncomfortable it is

Hi Jake, My name is Hannah. I know you have had quite a lot of great responses and signposting already but I thought I would pop a reply on as I have some relevant experience that may or may not be helpful. It's a very long reply that I don't expect anyone will get through but it's here if you should need it. I volunteer for Gamcare by sharing my experiences with others because I have supported my husband through his recovery from gambling of which he is now 5 years gambling free. I can see from your post and your replies that you are being extremely proactive in tackling this and are really trying to show your wife you are committed to this change. I can see that your wife is experiencing some uncertainty about being in the relationship, you’re exploring past trauma as a potential trigger and I can also see that you have been experiencing thoughts that are calling you back to gambling because of how things might be if your relationship ended. (Well done for getting through those days by the way. It sounds like they have been so hard to weather).

All relationships are of course different, and I can only speak from my own perspective but perhaps if I share a little about my own feelings, some parts may be transferable and offer some reassurance. Whilst my husband and I remained together, it did take me quite a while to recover from his gambling spate. As we know, quite often, people’s brains begin to struggle the most once a difficult period is over rather than during it. I think the best way for me to describe my experience is to liken it to post traumatic stress. I couldn’t settle, I had crippling anxiety and was constantly monitoring for if it was happening again. My brain was protecting itself from a relapse that had not yet occurred nor would it ever and it at times made me want to push him away. There was nothing he could do about the way I felt other than to keep on remaining strong in his will to abstain from gambling and with each day that passed where he chose us instead of gambling, it was another part of our relationship and myself that healed. There is no quick fix or short cut, it just takes time, and your wife is in the very early days. I think it is also important to have regular good communication regarding communicating what is expected during that time of uncertainty to make sure you are not giving space when she really would like closeness and closeness when she would like space. This also may help you with keeping gambling free as you seem like this uncertainty is really impacting you. Finally, a big thing that helped me was learning more about gambling harms. Once I learnt more about gambling, I realised my husband wasn’t trying to hurt me, he had been in a sense unwell. I think the fact that you are posting about this here, shows that you really do care for her, and it shows your commitment to your whole family. I don’t know if your wife will leave or not, only she knows that, but all I can say is that in mine and many others experiences, we just needed a bit of time, it doesn’t always have to mean it’s over and many of us do have happy endings after gambling. Try to remain calm over this space she is requesting, you need all your mental stability right now to keep showing her that you meant it when you said no more gambling.

The thoughts you spoke of ‘still just stuck in this position of why bother fixing myself if I still lose everyone I love around me’. These thoughts are very common when abstaining from something our brain feels it needs. Be wary of these, it can be our brain trying to trick us into getting the high that it wants. (I know you’re very self-aware and know all this but sometimes a little nudge such as this can help). I can see you have been working really well with various types of support. Remember we are all here if those thoughts creep in again and the line is always open.  

Regarding the connections your gambling may have to past trauma, I am very sure that my husbands past traumas at the very least primed him to develop a dependence on gambling. He refused to speak to anyone at Gamcare so I started to ask him questions where I found out he had an extremely relevant past trauma. After putting this to him, it was like something was lifted from him and he’s been a different person from that day. Understanding how the story of his life lead him to gambling has been phenomenal for his gambling recovery. I think it’s wonderful that you are open to exploring why you gamble, and it can be so very worth it. I hope you can explore this with a professional as accessing past traumas can be risky, although for many people they never do find an answer, sometimes there perhaps just isn’t one.

Overall, as someone who has spoken to a lot of people suffering from gambling harms, and harms from other sources, I think the way you are addressing all of this is incredibly impressive. You have really stood up to this and shown incredible strength in doing so. Stay strong for yourself and your children and I really hope for you that from this strength your marriage can mend as mine did.

Take Care,

Hannah (Volunteer Peer Supporter)

@r8mwut7y5e thank you, I made myself a promise when I started here that regardless how big or small someone's advice or story was to read it all, think on it and read again if needed before I replied so o wasn't rash and actually understood what was being said. Firstly congratulations to both you and your husband it's really nice to see and hear a successful future I think as you can see that's my main concern for me and appreciate seeing it from the other side ( being the spouse) and thank you for your kind words on how I have this far tackled this. I've woken up this morning feeling a bit less scared and had a little bit of a chat with the wife last night before she went to be but am currently on the sofa snuggled with my eldest boy. Tackling the past is something o should have done long ago and I know that so I guess that's just a stark reminder that sometimes brushing everything under a carpet comes back to bite you

Hi Jake

How is day two going ?

Stuart 

@lp5vut869c hey Stuart,

Hope you are well bud, technically day 2.5 but I've been optimistic and called it 3 in my personal journal as I didn't gamble the day the wife found out 😅 but today has actually been productive, a little more pleasant and eased some worries and tensions but also meant opening up to people I wasn't really ready to and being vulnerable which isn't something I'm good at, I'm usually the rock that everything bounces off and it is always alright and fixes everyone around me so that was difficult and emotional and repeated a few times with people close to me and had a proactive chat with the wife about it all and she gave me a hug which felt like a huge milestone 

Hi Jake

There you go. You can't fix it all overnight and you can't do everything by yourself but it sounds like you will soon have your support network building nicely. As I am sure you know, it's all about small steps but steps in the right direction. It is 3 days because it's number of gamble free days rather than when you gave up or joined Gamcare or put blocks in place so a massive well done. Tomorrow is day 4. I take one day at a time, try not to worry about tomorrow and just concentrate on being the best I can today and gamble free. That doesn't just affect me it affects everyone around me

Stuart

@lp5vut869c yeh I decided to take some of your advice and just throw myself into face to face with colleagues and friends and get our my comfort zone which eased some tension but I think the biggest thing was my wife saying she can see I'm trying and doing my best to be vulnerable and get the help and that gives me hope that doing what's best for me could be enough and while even if it isn't I'll know I put my best foot forward, spoke to email support too and that is a little daunting looking at breaking down walls and opening up about all my life issues, trauma and events that potentially led me to gambling addiction but I think it's about time I accept I need to face the past issues in life and stop just saying it's okay and I'm fine all the time

Day 4 - Good afternoon All, I'm going to start using this as a daily journal to keep myself grounded and in the community active. Today I'm off work and have my boys at home I've noticed a difference in my attitude and temper with them as I haven't been burdened by a heavy loss and or gambling on my phone so that's been really nice, and I've used jelly roll (an American country music artist) as some inspiration while his addiction wasn't gambling some of his lyrics really resonate with me and that's helped. I'm slowly but surely writing a history of my life and all my trauma and events that led me here to then have when I'm ready to tackle all of it so it's not such a daunting task if I write bits each day and leave room for a little light 

I did have a win today, not gambling but I was in process of closing my last casino that hadn't responded to me and they offered me bonus money to stay after I spoke and told them I had an addiction and was putting my family at risk, so I told them in no doubt they are a disgrace and that it's disgusting that when someone has asked to close an account and is seeking help there answer is to give them money to draw them back in and they should be ashamed and embarrassed 

Hi Jake

I loved reading both of the above. It's great that in week 1 you have noticed the difference straight away and beaten a major temptation. If you are like me I can't believe the changes that happen every day in this new clean life which is so much better. There are tough days but the worst day in recovery is far better than the best day in action

Keep the diary entries going mate so we can all see how you are doing. See you in a chatroom soon hopefully.

Stuart

By the way, if you have a spare few minutes look out for a recovery app called getevive. It's American but changes on your location and is superb to add to your support network

@lp5vut869c hope you are well Stuart and yeh I've noticed a big difference mainly in my temperament and attitude but also just general happiness, don't get me wrong still far from happy abs still feel bad about ending up here and putting my family at risk and still worry but feeling better day by day and reach out to mind and a local therapist today to try and tackle the rest of my life that may have led to gambling so while daunting feel I'm making good progress on taking my future I to my own hands, I'll have a look at that app and should be in chatrooms tonight if your about.