This is my first time I've had to use this site, but I feel at the end of my tether and hope maybe someone can help me through this time.
I've just discovered now for the second time since Christmas that my partner has a severe gambling issue. It all began before the New Year, the occasional flutter on a Saturday accumulator, which has since escalated to in excess of £1,000 down the drain on various gambling mobile apps. I could perhaps slightly understand this alien issue to me if this was an addiction following success, but a single penny has never been won. Along with the devastation of the huge loss of money, I have to deal with the fact it was rarely his money he was gambling, it was mine. He had registered my card and was using my hard earned money to fund his habit. An even heftier blow to take was that I had given birth to our son in January.
I confronted him at the beginning of February, asking him time and time again if it was starting to become and issue, which he flatly denied, no of course it wasn't. Until one day he finally admitted the addiction. I had no choice but to cancel my debit card. He asked me to confiscate his card and take control of our money. Grasping at straws, I made him make an apptointment at the GP. He was in and out of the surgery in 5 minutes after the doctor telling him " she didn't know what to suggest" and simply giving him a number for a helpline. Whether he called that number I'll never know.
Now two months later, I've discovered he has started gambling again, if he ever stopped in the first place. Again, it's not huge amounts at any one time, but £10, £25 again and again and again. After receiving my annual bonus which I bent over backwards for, I have nothing to show for it. My maternity pay to care for our son, gone. I have paid every single household bill for months while I'm not even "earning" as he has wasted his own money. I now feel like I'm at a total crossroads. What am I more upset about, the loss of money, the lies? He had obviously gone behind my back to carry on with the betting and also take time to register my new card details. The bottom line is, he has STOLEN from me. And ultimately stolen from my son. He has also robbed me of the time I can now spend with my baby as I'll have no choice but to return back to work and I'll never get those precious moments back. I can handle being let down myself, my feelings pale in comparison, but letting my whole family, who have taken him in as their own, and letting down my child is the thing that makes my blood boil.
I've always put him first and done everything I feel I could to help and I now feel at a total loss. He seems to show no remorse, I don't think I've heard the word sorry. His attitude towards me has been so hostile, like I'm the one in the wrong. And the will to keep me and his son in his life has seemed to all but fade, which makes me wonder whether he really wants to help himself get out of this situation. Am I just fighting a losing battle?
Any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
Amy x
Removing any access he has to funds would be a good start.
He won't or can't stop and you have to make sure your kid has money.
Him gambling any of your money should not be tolerated.
Karl
Hi Amy,
I am very sad to hear about your situation. Unfortunately a great deal of gamblers who are not yet in recovery, are very secretive liars, no disrespect to your man but he sounds like me in the height of my addiction.
The only way things will get better if he wants to stop even then it is going to take time. This is a complicated addiction that those who are not compulsive gamblers do not always understand. It has been compared to C*****e addiction. It is not always about winning money but can be about escapism.
You need to get as much information on this addiction so you can decide how best to deal with things going forward. I would sincerely suggest you speak to one of the gamcare advisors who are trained to help those affected by gamblers.
I hope you and your partner can work through this and come through the otherside for the sake of your new born.
Take care,
Amanda
Hi Amy,
I think Amanda is right in saying that your partner is at the worst point of his addiction.addicted gambler and I am one of them turning often into very selfish and arrogant personalities on the way to the top of the addiction it is a kind of armour they build up to not show their weakness sound stupid but I can't explain it better. I know how hard this will be for you but you can't let him ruin yours and your sons life and as long as he is not willing to admit and is looking for help, it will get worse that's for sure. All you can do is what you already have done and not many others would have put up with his way as long as you did.
You should to safe yourself and your son do as Amanda says and contact a professional here to get help.
As sad and brutal as it maybe sound your partner won't stop before he hits rock bottom.
He has to realise that he can't handle it and need help you can't do this for him.
You have my greates respect and on one way I feel sorry for your partner because he seems not to see yet what he is going to lose.
I wish you all the best for you, your son and your partner
Wolfgang
Hi Amy,
I have also been in your position so I completely feel for you. I felt desperate and lost. I have two children and recently split with their dad who has a gambling addiction. It started over three years ago when it was the odd £20 pound here and there but even then I begged him to stop. Of course he didn't and over the last 6 months of our relationship he got himself in overdrafts, credit cards and loans worth of debt. Each time saying he wud stop but unfort he didn't. I took control of the money but if he wanted to get his hair cut or go out on a night out more money would dissappear and another row wud occur.
It completely destroyed us. There was no affection between us, some weeks we barely spoke. He would hide his wallet and lie about where he was. He started having his wage paid into my account but by then the damage was done. Now I'm trying to get on with my life but its hard. I see a young, good looking, funny, active young man who works hard for his money and adores his children but he's got this black cloud over him that just won't dissappear. I always think, this is something I've seen on tv or read about, how am I going through it?????? And I also haven't told anyone about it. All my family and friends think we just drifted apart so I am alone with my feelings.
I am not on here to say you should leave him. I do believe they need help but gambling makes them sooooo selfish and turns them into conniving lying men and unless they want to stop they won't. I'm still offering help to him but I personally can't deal with it. I'm only 29, I have two gorge children and fab support around me. I have to focus on that now. I tried for a very long time to help him but he kept letting me down. But that's just me and maybe your relationship can get over this. I hope it can.
I am so sad that you r also going through this. It's impossible, devastating, infuriating, sad and lonely. I hope he gets himself sorted for you and your baby. But you do also need to look after yourself especially as you've just had a baby, its a hard time as it is.
Good luck and know you r not alone!
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