Hi,
I'm new to the forums and I've signed up today really to get it all of my chest and speak to people who are going through the same thing.
I've been with my boyfriend for about 9 months and he was straight with me from the start that he had a gambling addiction. Maybe I should have walked away there and then but I didn't really realise then how bad gambling addiction could be. I remember being with him down the pub one of the first weeks we were together and he won £140 on a machine. I remember thinking how lucky that was. Now I know it's because he's an experienced gambler and he'd probably put hundreds in to get that out.
Twice since I've been with him he's gambled his entire rent money on pay day. The second time, he'd had the day off work, gone straight to the bookies at 9am, lost everything and then drank himself into oblivion. I arrived at his place to find him passed out by a pool of his own sick. For a split second I thought he wasn't breathing, and the thought that I might have lost him was so terrifying.
Today I came home and found a receipt for £50 from *******. He told me he goes in there to get cash back (like a cash machine through the slot machines). I'm pretty sure this is a lie but I'm so tired of fighting with him, I just left it. He was already complaining earlier this week that he has no money for the rest of the month thanks to the money that goes to his debtors (he's run up about £17,000 in debts through his gambling). After I confronted him about the receipt he accused me of spying on him. This hurt because all I seem to do is worry about his gambling. It's always me that ends up having to lend him money so he can get himself to work.
He spends a lot of time down his local pub where there are fruit machines. Each time when we've been through a really bad patch (like when he's gambled his rent) he's sworn that he won't gamble anymore, he'll go back to meetings and that he shouldn't even have a "flutter" with a couple of quid on a machine. But when we go to the pub, he has a couple of drinks and inevitably ends up on the fruit machine, with his best friend who also has a problem. He seems to turn into a completely different person and forgets that I'm even there.
I know we haven't been together long in the grand scheme of things but I love him, and when it's good, it's really good. I don't want to leave him but I find myself worrying about what he's doing when he's not with me (especially on pay day). I find that I'm almost trying to check up on him and that's not the person that I want to be.
I'm sorry for the massively long post but it's got to the point where I just need to pour my heart out to people who are going through the same thing.
I've made the decision this month not to lend him anything as in my mind, he knew he didn't have the money to gamble and he did it anyway. I'm so tired of having to bail him out when I have money problems of my own.
Is anyone going through the same thing? Am I doing the right thing by refusing to lend him money this month?
Any advice would be so much appreciated.
Hi, you deserve a prompt response. On this site there are recovering gamblers, recovered gamblers and people who possibly will never be able to stop gambling but want to stop, and also people as yourself, who are with and love a person who has a gambling addication. You should explore this site, there are some amazing stories and people who offer extremely good advice. I am I hope a recovering gambler, it has taken me six years to realise that you cannot win in the long run because if you win, you will gamble more, to try and win more, so in the end you will lose. Your boyfriend has £K17 of debt, he is never going to recover that gambling absolutely impossible. He has to stop for his own future and maybe a future with you. I stopped because a have a fear of not being able to pay my bills (so no debt) but I didn't heed my girlfriends warning (gamble again she said and I will leave you - this week-end is our first week-end apart in nearly 7 years.) Your boyfriend needs serious help (and he has to want this help). You are totally right not to lend him any more money, in fact he should immediatley hand over his financial affairs to you (debit cards - credit cards), install a blocker on his pc/lap-top, tablet. Most importantly he needs to contact a counsellor - on here or through a doctor. You are wise to realise he has a massive problem, but he has to realise this - He has to change his life or maybe there will not be a you and him. - Read the posts on here - it helps .
Spaingone, thanks so much for your response. Even though previously he's accepted how big the problem is, I think at the moment he's burying his head in the sand and no longer accepts that the problem needs addressing. We seem to go round in circles that way.
I'm glad that you are on the road to recovery and I am sorry to hear about your girlfriend. As horrible as this subject is it's nice to hear words of support from someone who has experienced it from the other side, and I will definitely have a look around on the site, so thanks.
We've tried him handing over his debit card to me but there are always ways that he can manage to gamble, as he has freely admitted to me. I'm almost grateful that he's told me how much gamblers lie so I know what I'm facing.
I know that our future depends on what steps he takes but I'm worried that he'll get defensive and shut down if I try to talk to him about his problem and suggesting he gets help.
What do you think the best way to approach this is? How did you react when people tried to broach the subject with you?
Thanks again.
Hi an88, 'how did i approach the advice given to me in Jan'13' I ignored it. I went to one counselling session, my son installed gamblock on my computer and when I moved house we un-installed it in April'13, I said i'm cured, I came on this site and read a bit, posted a bit 'hey i'm cured' BUT I WASN'T, i went back and lost all my house proceeds sale in 12 months. So to be honest will he ignore advice given, quite possibly. But you say your future depends on what steps he takes, so IT HAS TO COME FROM HIM, HE HAS TO WANT TO QUIT/STOP. This site can help him/you but he has to take action to stop gambling otherwise there is no you&him. I feel in nearly all relationships (forgive me for this observation) one person loves the other more than they recieve back, maybe here you love him more than he loves you, so ...... maybe you need to think about the possibility of letting him go if he doesn't change his ways. In my relationship i have decided to give us a four week break, to let me get my head together and see if she still wants me in her life. I had to be fair to her I was holding her back in her life and aspirations through the wretched financial situation I had created for myself. I hope this is all coherant. Hang in there ann, for yourself.
Thank you, Spaingone. Perfectly coherent!
As much as it hurts to realise it, I know that what you say is right. I just hope from the bottom of my heart that he truly wants to stop. I know deep down that if he doesn't stop, I will have to walk away, but I so so badly don't want it to get to that point.
I took your advice and had a good look through the threads on here. Some of the stories are heartbreaking but it really has helped to read other people's experiences. I understand now more than I did before about gambling being an illness and what gamblers can be capable of. I think I knew deep down from being with him but I didn't want to accept what it can actually do to people. I recognise so much of what I have experienced with him in what I have read - a perfectly normal, young, lovely guy who goes into a different place and becomes a different person when he gambles.
I'm going to tell him that I have been on this site and explain why and see what his reaction is - I guess this will tell me what I need to know. What I want to suggest to him is the counselling service that this site offers. He has been to GA meetings in the past (he has had the problem a long time) but said that they did not help. Whether this is because he wasn't accepting that he had a problem, I don't know.
He's also told me today that he is going to be filing for bankruptcy after receiving 2 CCJS, along with other numerous creditors that are after him. I'm not sure what to think of that right now. I think I'm shocked that it has got this far and become this serious but again, from what I have read tonight I see that I am not alone.
I truly hope that you and your girlfriend work things out and that you can move forward together. I wish the best for you both.
Ali
morning ali, a new day, hope you got some sleep, thank-you for your words about me & my partner (this is the first saturday i have woke alone for a considerable time - loneliness hey). i read somewhere on here, that no matter what a gambler does, the dawn will always break on a new day, the wind will blow, the trees will stand, the birds will eventually sing, poignant words but true, what did all us gamblers do before the onset of this technological age, maybe you need to ask your boyfriend to take a step back (after he has been to a debt management company) and look at the simplier things in life, a walk in the park/fields and truly look into your face and see what you are offering, believe me if he is on his own, it will be a truly unhappy place to sort his life from here. Good luck to-day
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