I need help

I don't truly know how you feel because I am a compulsive gambler too but my Mum helped herself to money out of a wardrobe whilst I was sick in bed then lied so I had myself believing maybe a burglar had been in whilst I was sleeping! It hurts 🙁 We are horrible people to live with whilst active & unfortunately as I know only too well, the only person that can stop your husband is your husband. All the work in the world won't help if you're putting it in & the boundaries need to involve more than just a restriction to money. Gambling may seem like a financial issue but it's much deeper than that. This cold calculation is proof that if you lock physical money away, you need to keep the key with you, same with the bank cards (it needs to be in your account so he doesn't just go in with ID & withdraw) . It won't be that he doesn't trust you, just that his addiction doesn't want help! Don't take this personally, this is his problem which is why all the love in the world won't fix it 🙁 Boundaries need to involve what you will put up with, not what he agrees to because if you don't protect yourself, you will struggle to feed & clothe your kids. If this latest relapse has done that & you can't get support from loved ones, please Google food banks in your area. Our church does referrals but all areas are different...Don't go hungry! You do need to be prepared to go through with any ultimatums but you have to make them to protect your family & they need to involve support (counselling or GA) because just cutting off the money won't fix this. If he doesnt figure this out, you won't be walking away because of money, it will be because of addiction, because he has lied & manipulated & stole. How dare he be the one shouting when he has caused the damage! He's trying to deflect attention, make you out to be the bad guy & not only is this typical addict behaviour (unfortunately) but it's also very harmful for the children 🙁

Have you told loved ones, gotten support around you? Can you get to a GamAnon meeting? People there will really understand just like the Friends & Family do on here. Equally, phone the GamCare helpline (tomorrow as I think it closed @ midnight)!

Yes you're both tired because 2 small children are tiring & yeah, I guess many people do argue but don't allow yourself to make excuses for his bad behaviour.

Look after you - ODAAT

Thanks for your reply ODAAT
honestly we talk through txt alot because it saves the rows. I'm making up fibs to the kids that I've a sore belly from too much coffee which isn't unusual for me and they're telling me at 5 to drink more juice mummy.
I'm heart broken. He's telling me I put pressure on him. I make his head hurt. I'm selfish. I'm spoilt and it's my fault he relapses because he works so hard and so tiring hours for me to put him down.
I've always got a back up. I've always got that extra 5 pound I didn't spend but out aside each week for this occasion. We have food. My family helped alot at first when he lost his job "no his fault".. and we owe them about 1200
I set up a low payment weekly plan. I set up a weekly payment plan for Christmas but we still had spare. I'm at a loss what will help.
He promised to speak to me. I'm ment to be his partner his friend his confidant but he didn't. He didn't even utter a word of stress until Sunday I thought things were great.
He had c b t help years ago for o c d but says it didn't work. Says councillors won't work. Ga meetings won't work. I'm at a loss. I love him but I really hate him right now. And I think we're done :'(

Morning,

I'm sorry to read what you're going through. Living with an active compulsive gambler is a nightmare. The question to think about is, do you want to live a nightmare?

In my case, after dragging low, low depths and me putting up with it, my husband started to change. After our crisis, I have full financial control, blockers and SE are in place, he attends GA twice per week and he hasn't gambled or tried to (that I know) of for over a year. And that's just the start. It takes continued effort, meetings, therapy from both of us. Whilst things are moving in the right direction and the abuse has stopped, I stay. I couldn't go back to how things were. But - and it's a big but - the decision to change and his commitment to it came from and still comes from him. He chose to stop gambling and to try to repair his relationships. It isn't because of anything I've said or done, it's not down to a magic wand that I've waved. It's him.

If your OH won't do what it takes, continues to steal from you, lie to you, focus on the gambling and not on you and the children, what then? It becomes a question of what you're prepared to tolerate for you and the children.

The best advice is to get all help and support for you to cope with your situation. Educate yourself about addiction - knowledge is power. If you know that addicts lie, manipulate and blame everyone else, then you will be better able to deal with it when he does it to you. You'll see it for what it is, instead of believing in it or trying logical argument with the illogical. Read the forum, call the helpline, try GamAnon meetings, find people to vent to, mix with other mums too. Look after you and the children. Because at the moment, he can't.

Take care,

CW

He is whiling to work to earn every last penny. He's been doing 20hrs for the last three days (self employed) to regain the bills and food money. Savings are gone but could we really own our own home?
I implemented alot of boundaries with no carrying large amounts, telling me were he was in a chatty friendly manner. He gave me control of the cash and bills, and I had the keys to the box, but he searched because it became that back that using the 450 (to pay for the car and put in bank) he had to try and spent a further 1k.
He's now saying he won't try councillors.
That I need to shut up. Because he's nothing to say or to hear.
I said he was selfish and greedy because we had more than most and he wasted it. I know I shouldn't name call I know it's the addict part but he hurt me and some part of me wanted to hurt him.
We're currently txt waring. I can't see us coming back from this. I've always took the blame I've always bailed him out. My mum knows the extent of the damage but his family have no idea, I've always kept it to myself.. he hasn't started borrowing or stealing until this week. When things got at their worst.
Is this the start of things to come? Or will this be enough?
I don't want to not have a future with him, he's amazing but the addict is scaring me, hurting me, and risking my children's bubble to the world.

Quick update as I don't feel I can burden family and friends.
He said he's done with my attention as the kids have never gone with out food etc and not texting.
That's fine. But my last message basically explained our kids are going to grow up soon and I won't be able to shadow them forever to his lies diciet and gambling.
Unless hr gets control of it now is it really a conversation he wants to have ?
He can either continue and explain when their older,
Or he can seek help and advice and get on the mystical wagon and help our children if they become addicts.
He is an amazing father. He does give them his last everything. Sitting here crying wishing he chooses the latter. I don't want their opinion of their hero to change.
He hasn't replied. And I won't harass him. I can't force his hand I can only hold it but I don't think he's ready.

A father working 20 hours a day is an absent father regardless of whether he is gambling so just because the children are fed & watered doesn't mean he's not depriving them. I'm sorry if it's painful but I grew up with an alcoholic & a gambler, it took me nearly 3 decades to realise I too have a problem & whilst I'm not convinced I had a bad childhood or indeed it is even to blame, there's plenty of evidence to the contrary. This does hurt & I'm not sure if the above means get help or he tells the children he's an addict or that's why you guys split up? If it's the former, I don't think it's enough, he'll chose to play now with every intention of wriggling out of the consequences later.

This is a progressive disease & just limiting his access to money is not enough! Nothing works unless we put the effort in although there is some evidence on here that if people are co-erced to GA (usually as lip service) then they may eventually buy in. He isn't the 1st GA hater to have never walked through a door & counselling alone isn't a cure. I imagine that his OCD & addiction may even be quite closely linked.

I'm sorry but if he has nothing to say or hear then he's not ready & you're in trouble! He's not going to want his family told because it's embarrassing & also that will cut off a cash avenue if it is required. I do understand why you have bailed him out but it doesn't help & to best protect yourself, you must stop this. Let him suffer the consequences of his actions & be prepared to follow through on everything you say.

I wish I had something more but he's active & when active, we're nasty.

I'm glad you re-posted, I was upset last night that I hadn't got to you quickly enough & hubby said you might still be reading (he's not as green as he is cabbage looking) which is great. We're not always very quick off the mark but everyone here wants the best for you & will want you to find a way through this.

Keep posting, keep letting it out & remember, you have done nothing wrong so please, be kind to you - ODAAT

I haven't text him since the last text regarding his choice with the children.
He threw back in my face our family parenting choice for me not to work, he wanted me to have the children till full time schooling to give them a family mindset. Once our youngest was in school I got a job that September.
Now it's my fault the last near decade he's work, one sometimes two jobs. Yet he made the firm decision over me.

His family history, is however not distant to yours. Although he was 5year when they escaped the situation, I believe the damage was done.
Although never violent his tongue packs an almight lasting burn. I've warning him numerous occasions but heat of the moment etc. And his actions out of the situation prove it's not how he feels.
Saying this he did arrive to take a short break to see the kids and their out at a friends house, (leaving a poorly tummied puffy eyed mummy to relax) and was not overly impressed,
Stating someone else watching them while I wallow in self pity.
Because we are not 100k in debt like some gamblers he believes he has a handle and occasionally slips. He says it a leaves his headache/migraines.. I think that's more mind set as his entire childhood was spent at the seaside dropping 2ps.
Thanks for you replies. I hope you continue to help me understand. The tears have dried but the pain is still rippling

Odaat I'm really struggling to not contact him.
I miss my best friend. I miss chatting garbage.
After everything he did and said yesterday all I want is him. I'm fighting so hard to do as he asked, not give in, not let him know this.
I feel like such a moron a doormat a mug an worse I feel like if I forgive him I'll be his enabler :'(

That's why you need recovery too! It's a vile addiction, encourages us to become people we are not but we have the choice to get help, you don't! If you don't stick to your guns, it gives him the green light to continue abusing you (not physically, I get that but psychological pain is just as damning)! I've just escaped work & am on the tube, will respond properly to the other posts in a bit!

Deep breaths & stay strong!

Where are the ladies when you need them...Have you read any of the threads from Phoenix67 or Amom? It's not called tough love for nothing & it really is very painful for you guys that have to give it!

He's been caught out & he doesn't like it! You knowing that he has moved goal posts has in a way threatened his existence & he's looking for a scapegoat. You're an easy target because you love him so much & I guess you taking a stand after all this time of putting up with his behaviour has probably thrown him. It is kind of irrelevant that it was a family decision for you to take the time off work because he will find a way to twist everything anyway! For what it's worth, I think you completely did the right thing! He's making this about the money, because that way he can pass the guilt onto you but this is not your guilt to carry! Equally, I suspect if you hadn't had the level of financial control you have had, he would be way deeper in the hole & besides not all of us who get/got thousands & thousands of pounds into debt stole like he has.

You're not any of those things you describe, when you love someone, you do everything you can to see them smile, make it work. Until very recently I have continued to enable my mum, she lives in my flat & I manage her wages because otherwise bills would not be paid. She has money @ the moment (I hope it's not my Nan still feeding her it) so I'm yet to be really tested but it's a lot easier to dish out the tough love advice than it is to go through with it. I wish I were better equipped to help you understand & I will try my very best but I'm still learning myself! Forgiving him comes in many forms & doesn't mean you are enabling him but don't sacrifice your needs to make this better. If you have the strength, let him know you are still there for him, tighten up your finances even more & decide what you will put up with but don't let him bully you into thinking this is in anyway your fault!

He twists it so I give in. I can't argue to his face that's why I txt war with him. I cave when I see him. He is my weakness.
Generally I give in.
Takeaways spoiling the kids spending money we don't have because I know I can mix it up and it'd be fine.
My brain continuously fixes, changes. Makes different scenarios and I'm doing it now ! For him.
I thought by locking it and hiding the keys out of sight it'd be enough.
I'm going to change my pin on cards, I'm going to move the safe to my parents house and change the combo. I don't think I'll get the keys back as I think he likes to try to control me.
He never has and never will. But having a bigger than normal age gap between us, he uses my naive young mind against me alot. Blaming me just in the right way.

Sounds to me like he's seriously underestimated your naive young mind! Manipulation & secrecy are the 2 biggest things for us gamblers, we have to develop these skills so that we can continue paying homage to our addiction. Love crosses all ages so I won't be the age gap that's the issue, it's the addiction.

I am quick witted, aggressive (there may be a less mean word for it but you know what I mean) & have the memory of an elephant (I'm told they never forget) but my mum twists & turns every word out of my mouth until I start doubting myself even when I know I am right! She reduces me to tears of frustration & so I too only argue by text now (I refer her back to previous messages) & she goes along with it for a while then cuts me off saying things are being lost in translation.

Can you get to GamAnon? I can't remember your original post so I know you've had contact with GamCare but did you have any of their counselling? There's a danger when you have a heart like yours that almost bleeds for the man you love that you are more succeptible to accepting you are partly to blame. That you should put up with it but ask yourself this, if it was one of your children in this position how would you feel? I'm big on domestic violence concerns & I don't like the sound of him wanting to control you one little bit. Keeping the keys would be proof that this has absolutely nothing to do with you despite what his current stand may be, he made the decision to steal that money with no remorse.

Deffo do what you can to protect your finances & don't make any rash decisions! You're strong but you don't have to this alone.

Hi

I'm the mom of a compulsive gambler. While there are a lot of differences in our situations there are a lot of similarities. Many of the characteristics of an active compulsive gambler are the same for the vast majority... lying, manipulation and blame.

Our instinct is to argue back,stand up for ourselves and interrogate. Sadly when somebody is in the middle of addiction we are not heard. The addiction is the only thing they can listen to. I eventually blocked my son's # from my phone... I had had enough of riduculous conversations going absolutely nowhere. These are fights and arguements you are never going to win and they even serve to feed the addiction. "No wonder I gamble... you are driving me to it " etc.

As ODAAT mentions definitely protect your finances regardless of his opinion of this. I am in Gamanon and have people in my group that have lost houses,businesses, spouses gone to jail.... all while they were told it was under control.

Please reach out to Gamanon if you can. Nobody is going to fix your partner or make him better but you will have face to face support and advise for yourself by people who are dealing with this just like yourself.

Take care of your kiddies and keep writing and learning about this addiction.

Cathyx

I've never notice the control behaviour until about two years ago, it's always like it's my idea.
But it's not bad things?.. he'll make comments about how he hates my top but tells me that he does it for me so I don't look stupid knowing I'll change.. now I don't I say I'm not asking him to wear it
Silly things like have you put sun screen on the kids? I say yes and it turns into a fight because he just likes to have a say and it makes him feel better hearing the answer even though he knows it's yes?

I ask him sometimes when he's in the tail end of what he'd do if our princess was to be spoken to like a man how he speaks to me (sometimes) and he says if she deserves it..
I don't think I've ever had an apology. I can picture everytime he's gambled. He used to come and sit on the toilet if I was in the bath, Sobbing.. pleading.. he used to stand and shout.. now he has resorted to texting me even though I know. You just know.

He said this time that he has pains in his head, thumping agonising pains, and he didn't want another argument that he knew would come but the only way to rid the pain was that.. I honestly felt like laughing.. so he spent the money he only had to take the to bank (clean 16months - last time was July 2014 2wk before our daughters bday)

I know he's an addict. He knows but remains in denial.
Anything and everything will always be my fault. I love him with all of me but a tiny part knows if we broke up he would hound me, break me down continuously blame me for anything that goes wrong. I just am lost