I need help

I get text like that Cathy.

It's strange. From reading and talking to you and odaat, I've learnt that he does have a bit of control.

He must fight very hard. But it isn't enough you know. He didn't talk to me like he promised. He didn't come to me or reach out or speak to me about anything.

Sometimes when we are good he will say he knows he's an addict, he knows he can't go in with just 5 pound.
Then we wean to i put the lottery on so he knows it's on, then I inevitably forget as I'm not bothered to he's stopped.
Then when he's gambling it is my FAULT, I work him to the bone. I make him work stupid and give me all the money. I take everything from him. He resents me.
I don't get Cathy. Your a mum. If I've a hole in my jeans, I'm waiting til I find the perfect pair kids, I've hole in the sole of my trainer and I was guna treat myself with the savings with his permission. Now it's not happening..
.....

I knew there were alarm bells ringing...Please don't take offence @ this but he is a bully. A charming one maybe but even though you are conscious of it going on, it looks like he has manipulated you in such a way that he's able to get away with it. Made you feel that your life would not be worth living without him? Have a look @ sad&lonely's posts, her addict is a stage further along. It's a sobering thought but with each relapse that yours 'gets away with', he has less qualms about the next time right? He is an addict, his psychological issues that have been explained on here are proof of that & addict's are adept @ putting blame elsewhere to distract attention from their own shortcomings! He has a very long journey ahead of him if he wants to find stability & he would much rather this came to him than he work for it. You sound like a trophy wife, one that makes him feel good when you step out on his arm & he should be fighting to make you happy not manipulating you into staying.

I suspect if you had a chat with an advisor on the National Domestic Violence Hotline (0808 2000 247) you would be very surprised @ how common some of his 'tricks' are.

You need to arm yourself with as much information as you possibly can, learn how to manage yourself so you don't carry guilt that is not yours & if you ever feel like you need out, find the strength to do it. Make those trainers a priority, he spent over a grand getting himself a bit of happiness no reason why you should have holes in your shoes once you can afford to replace them!

Thanks for your input ladies, it's nice to know I'm not insane or an attention seeker or spoilt.

All his friends told him he's punch way above his weight. I love him for the things he says and does, the way he is before his Hyde comes around.
I've tolerated 8 years and it's progressively better. I've had to stand my ground and I've had to ignore him. I posted that I missed him and really felt at a loss/low with out my friend.
Today I was at Work, and I came back to the start of what always happens. We start the row of he works he gambled I'm to blame. I point out I work 24/7 and now have a job and start sometimes as early as 5.30, I still come home to cook clean and pick up after my 3 kids as I say he is included .
Today I arrived to a scrubbed kitchen, happy kids, and a man hoovering the living room. I did not look at him. Instead I went to clean down after work.

I've always said to him he is much like his father. He may not have laid a wrong hand on me, but his tongue does the job all on its own sometimes.
I know I deserve better I know I want better I know my kids don't deserve the last year of us arguing I. E why I txt war.
But I'm loosing my fight for him.
Today I don't miss him YET. I guess he's my addiction? My heart aches for him. My mind thinks of him even after what he's done.
He says he didn't steal ladies, because he put that money there. So I told him I'm guna pawn his laptop because we both bought it and well that's not stealing Co it's OURS!
Raging angry. Tired and loosing the fight today.

Want my opinion? No point going head to head with him because then he wins, drags you down to his level! If he admits he stole it, it won't turn back the clock, allow you to trust him more! I don't want to stick up for him but he is very sick & surely this is better than the screaming & shouting? You can point out that he put it there for a reason & that he had to go hunting for a reason but whether he admits it or not, I suspect he knows what he did was wrong! Mostly we do when we've been bad but our foolish pride won't let us say it out loud! When I 1st came to recovery, my now hubby who generally agrees with everything I say, declined to get drawn into my hair brained schemes for controlling my gambling. I got sick of hearing "I don't think that's a good idea!" but there's no arguing with it!

Can you do something for you whilst he's on his best behaviour (which may be him in his own way knowing what an idiot he's been)? Go out for a walk? Take the kids to the park? Go to the library? Anything to distract you from your anger? I'm not saying forget about it, just that it won't be helping you. Let him prove to you how sorry he is by cleaning the house or looking after the kids whilst you have some you time!

There is going to need to be a conversation about it but let that be on your terms. You're going to be exhausted, your head will be a mess because of the financial damage & him hurting you emotionally but you're not insane & even if you are attention seeking (I don't think you are on here but you may want some from him) it's nothing more than you deserve after he's let you down so badly!

It's hard to know how your behaviour is, the person who's ment to love you says the things you should trust but when he does I doubt myself. I trust him and become paranoid others think these things too.

I won't argue talk or look at him. I don't know if we/ him are on day2 or if when I got in him rushing out when he needed to work or itchy the fix.

I honestly haven't thought so many bad negative thoughts about him. I've been talking to a friend g, and she is the same, how do you know ? How have you not gone insane asking? Prying? Phone searching where he is?

I am not his mum. As much as I want all these answers I've learnt that I can't. If he wants to gamble he will and I can't believe he won't. But I let my gaurd down to his habit. I know I say I'm not his keeper but generally the signs are there and I pay more attention, I tried but this weekend I needed one day to myself and he did was he did. I trusted the safe was safe.

I still can't get my head around if I stay I'm not enabling him. If I go I'm proving him right.
I'm not here for money. We've never had millions. We've never had thousands. I've cleared his debts gradually through payment plans and schedules. Not paying off but helping consolidate.
How can I help if staying makes him think it's OK, but leaving makes him win and prove I was here only for money!

A mess is an understand of how I feel. I could spin myself into circles odaat.

How long have you been unactuve, I presume it's not rude to ask?

Of course not, ask away...I'm closing in on 2 years & am not exactly a shining example of recovery as I'm still so chuffed to be gamble free that I haven't done much work mentally.

Trust is something that you will struggle to get whilst he is in denial & even if he does get help, you will still have to separate love & trust! Managing his money isn't enabling him in my eyes as you have to keep a grip on it so you can survive as a family! It's not like you gave him all your savings & said get on with it! There's no winners here, not unless he gets help so try not to get distracted by what you think others might think. You can't do right for doing wrong in his eyes so concentrate on you & the children. There's little chance of you making sense of something that we can't make sense of ourselves.

You really should have a chat with one of the advisors, they will be able to reassure you that you aren't going crazy!

That's brilliant news odaat! I don't know you, yet feel a sense of pride for you.

I don't care what others think, it's more what he thinks. As much as I know his behaviour is appalling sometimes I care.. TOO MUCH.
I didn't realise how much I believed what he said and love him til I wrote it down. I can't bare the thought of my life with out him, but I know I would survive with out him if I have to/choose to.

I'm less angry today but still hurt. Still constantly circling option round for an answer I don't think anything so far is acceptable.
If he doesn't give me the keys when is calmed. I'm selling the safe.
If he doesn't give me complete control over our finances (his tax included) I don't think I could move forward as no tax means jail.
My way or no way is how I feel atm. Which I hope lasts. Otherwise I'm screwed. To a life of misery and when the kids grow learn and leave they'll think I'm a mug too as I am. Fool to love.

A few thoughts: There are no prizes for being a fool to love, only misery for you and the children.

Co-dependency is being addicted to the addict and refusing to let go of him and his problem. But at the end of the day, you control what you do, say and tolerate. He controls him.

If you want your situation to change, it's down to you to change it, the starting point is what you are doing, this forum, GamAnon and generally learning about addiction, getting strength from people who understand.

Beware of half measures and token gestures that allow the gambling to continue unabated behind your back.

Keep the focus on you and what you need.

CW

How do I know?
I can't trust a word he says?
I asked about exclusions from bookies but they won't exclude him or claim they can't.. this true?

What's the answer CW?
Give up and hope the children don't hate me? Or continue and hope they don't hate me?
For me I love him. But it's not just me.
I do not trust him and know if I could continue. But I don't want to fail our family and walk away.

Can you expand on half measures and tokens..
I'm feeling very lost.

I need help. I'm absolutely fuming right now.
Unfortunately at this time distant family are visiting.
I'm very honest and cut throat and part of me blames his mum for not paying attention to him because he reminds her so much of his bio dad, so he was left to his own alot.

Now their here. This happens. Their all in the dark about his addiction and if know their unaware of how bad it is.

I refused to see them today for my own sanity, the sake of the kids hearing what I had to say, and him I guess some small part of me worries if I spill he will 100% leave.. I don't know if I'm ready for that
Idiot. Love?

So he comes in in front of the kids and asks me why I lied saying we were not in.. lied near tea time. When yes they wanna see the kids but their lovely and I'm angry. Cut throat honest. And sick of the lies betrayal and thieving.
Am I wrong ?

In what is a very difficult situation I'm glad the posts above are assisting you. All very valuable. Welcome to the forum. With reference to self exclusion from the bookies. Your partner can self exclude from all bookies in your town and surrounding towns in one 15 minute phone call. It could save his life. It did mine. Maybe save your relationship to. 08002942060. Go steady. Compulsive gamblers are compulsive liars. I wish you well.

Thank you so much.
I've been on the chat with an online assistant. They've explained he s a problem gambler and very verbally abusive and manipulative. Hearing it and seeing it hurt.
We have finished txt waring. Because he s to work and I have to be up at 5 to work.
He may hate me. He may not wanna admit to me he's an addict for fear of loss of power. So I've given him the number and told him I don't need to know it he rings but he is the father of my childr3n and the love of my life.

I wish he rings. I hope he does. And we'll done on working hard to be on recovery

Staying with him through difficult times is one thing, a romantic notion that's difficult in practice because of the times in question being difficult. I would put no fault examples into this category eg in our case, two of our children on separate occasions were rushed into hospital, the doctors had grave faces and no reassurance of a happy outcome. The outcome was happy but we didn't know it at the time. Lack of health, lack of money, pressure at work, other pressures, it's easy to walk out but there's a commitment and staying has its own reward, it's worth doing.

Putting up with whatever abuse your husband chooses to dish out whilst gambling is not staying together in difficult times, it's putting up with abuse. It's harmful to you, to the children. There's no reward.

Doing nothing to stop the abuse or to extract yourself from it is a choice in itself. Get all the help and support that you need to make the right decision for you.

As to half measures, there are numerous examples on the forum. To hand over financial control and then lie about needing cash for mythical gas bills. Self exclude and then start up new accounts. Hand over the card but then demand it back. Pretend to go to meetings. Tell their OHs about all of their accounts but not about their credit cards. In my case, my husband said he'd stopped first time round but it was just a lie. He hadn't.

Keep the focus on you and what you need.

CW

I was talking to someone online. I've sent him the self exclude numbers which should take 15 mins and he should be done from our area and surrounding areas after if he chooses.

I will no let it continue. I honestly thought I was being soft being daft I know sometimes his words hurt but everyone can have a strong opinion etc.
I didn't realise the extent that I'd let it become. That is not healthy and I will get help to stop it.

Lucky for me. If we went all in. Everything is in my name. Gas electric c. Tax everything but the rent. But I can ring and speak to someone.
His credit score is shocking and I've told him mum tonight so hopefully if he decided to be smart and get a card delivered to her address and not here she may be on the look or let me know if one arrived.

I'm still so cross I've just woke and have to go to work. he took him self to the sofa again. But we shall see. If he isn't going to ring the number er then the addict is winning. I didn't give him ultimatum.s regarding doing it as I think we are done anyway.
I can't see trust coming back but who knows .. love prevails. I will however be checking with every bookies he says he has if he so chooses
Thank you hun

Quick question about k9

I like a little bingo, but I will ban it. Do I have to do it on every device or just one ?
What's best to download it on?
I've searched on my android phone an it doesn't seem available.