Hi, not sure if this will help but its my secret and need to tell someone, basically I was with my partner for over 8years, have two small children and potentially a very happy life. Unfort he gambles, and therefore lies, hides things and disappears for hours on end. He hurt me so many times with the lies, and on many occasions I knew he was lying, but he would deny it until he was blue in the face and this hurt so much more as he knew I knew but still didn't confess.
He started gambling when a friends of his introduced him to the wonderful world of footy bets about 4 years ago. He then tried his hand at the roulette table and got sucked in terribly. A first he would be devastated if he lost £20, recently though its been hundreds, if not his entire months salary meaning getting into dept to pay for the things his salary covered.
I have felt desperate, I have begged, cried, shouted etc etc but nothing worked. I had to take my purse to bed with me as I was worried he would take our bank cards or spare cash. He did agree to paying his salary into my account but unfortunately by then the damage had already been done to our relationship. I simply didn't respect him. I wondered how any man could do this when we had two wonderful children at home. He always said when he went in the bookies his last intention was to hurt me, but I told him 2 years ago that every step he takes into that horrible place, is a step away from our family. Unfortunately he continued to go and now the problem is so bad I don't think he can stop!!!!!! If it was me and I'd lost the same amount of money I would be panicking about how bad mu addiction was and be terrified but he manages to carry on and that's not right!
He left yesterday and though I should be devastated I've actually coped very well. Well, until I started thinking about his addiction this evening and it still makes me so anxious for him, what it could lead to if he doesn't stop, even though I keep telling myself its not my problem anymore. I loved him so much and to see a young, strong, funny, good looking guy be so consumed by something so terrible is heartbreaking.
He once told me that when he closed his eyes all he would see is the roulette screen as he had spent so long on it. I couldn't stop him gambling but at least when I could control some money he did lay off a bit. As soon as he had access to any money he would go there. He's a great dad but I fear if this doesn't stop he will lose control of himself all together and again the frightens me and makes me feel very sad!
I know I've gotta get on with my life now and I will. I am strong but I haven't told anyone about it so it may be good to talk to people on here. Who knows. I haven't got anything to lose! Thanks though
Hi my name is mark, first of all I know its hard for you to understand why he would keep going to the bookies after losing so much money, you would think he would just stop. But many people like myself got into a situation where when I got into 15k of debt over 5 years finally on my knees where my wage would not even cover the debt, what I am trying to say is people try and gamble there way out of debt, all I wanted was that one big win to pay my debt off but of course it made it worse and when I was at £18k of debt that was the last straw for me, if you don't have a mortgage with your partner then I would advise you to get him to go bankrupt and at the same time he has to go gamcare meetings to help him recover from his adiction, I totally think well in my case the debt makes the addiction even more intense. Hope he gets the help he needs.
Hi Sarz - So sorry you are in this sad situation, but it seems to me that you are strong enough to cope well and will probably benefit from not having the immediate stress of living with someone you cannot trust. You say that you feel your partner cannot stop gambling - he can, if he really wants to and there's the problem - nobody can do it for him but himself.
If, when you see him again, he shows that he wants to give up then you could suggest ways of putting a barrier between him and gambling by self-exclusion, online blocking software etc. If he shows no interest in stopping then that is his choice and you should feel no remorse - it's not your fault.
Now your main concern is for your own well-being and that of your children.
Best wishes for the future.
Joanna
Thanks to both of you for your reply. It's been over a week now and things are ok. There is still an overwhelming feeling of how did this happen? Something so huge, how could it be something we are going through? I put it on par with drug and alcohol abuse and I can't believe how bad it is. But I have also learnt to get on with things, having kids helps me to do that. I haven't got time to dwell and though that's helping to cope I do wonder if I'm suppressing It all. I just don't know.
I did tell him about this site and told him to look into it. I also offered advice on how to limit credit limits on his cards and set up standing orders on his pay day so it goes out before he can withdraw the cash. And most importantly I told him i forgive him as I know its not his fault how its consumed him and it is an illness, but again there's a worry one day it will all come crashing down on me and make me so angry that my kids have a separate mum and dad. Only time will tell I suppose.
It's also very hard talking to family and friends about the breakup and not be able to confide in anyone exactly what I've been through. Sometimes I do think why the hell should I keep your secret for you, but deep down I know its because I never want the kids to find out. If he decides to tell them when they r older then he can but I won't. I want them to love and respect him. To go throughout something so big on your own is hard, I sometimes want someone to know what I've been through as its a huge part of me now and yet a secret and burden ill always carry. I hope none of this sounds selfish but there is an element of what about me! I'm now a single mum and my life has been turned upside down and it was all out of my control. And yet I've got to carry on and not tell anyone? Seems so unfair from a selfish point of view.
I never take risks, gamble in any form and don't break the law. I like a comfortable life where I don't need to worry about anything so I try not to do anything that will give me cause to worry. But Now I'm on my own ill try to let this go and get on with being a mum.
Thanks again for your time to write back to my MSG. Nice to know that someone out there knows what I've been through and I'm not on my own.
Take care all...
Hi Sarz - So glad that things are OK for you and that you are coping with your new life. I don't think you are being selfish at all - as you say, your life has been turned upside down through no fault of yours. What is your partner's attitude to all this? Does he actually admit that he has a problem? Surely seeing you and the children separating from him must have been some sort of wake-up call for him?
I hope that you continue to come to the site when you can - although you may not be able to confide in your own family and friends, you will always find people here to offer a sympathetic ear.
Best wishes to you.
Joanna
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