So should have done this the first time I called the helpline. But I didn't and here I am now typing this out wondering where it all went wrong.
I started gambling for the first time in my life in my early 30's after watching my mum play bingo online one day. Thought it looked quite cool and decided to register an account. Only deposited 15 quid but turned that into 200 or so and thought it was easy money. Later that day I lost it all. A week or so later I sold something to fund my next deposit. Take into account that at this point that I am debt free with about 5k or so in the bank.
From the item I sold, I managed to turn the winnings into 500 this time but later the same evening, I lost it all again.
Fast forward a few months and I am regularly depositing 10-20 quid into a reputable gambling companies website. Sometimes a few deposits a week. Sometimes I won, but most times I lost.
My first big loss happened in the spring of 2013. That day I lost 1k and literally had suicidal thoughts, even at that point, where I was still debt free and still had a sizable saving in my account from my job working at a top a Premier League football club.
At this point I pretty much knock gambling on the head for a time and don't bother gambling anymore. Life at this point appeared as though it was getting better and I have no urge to gamble.
Winter 2013 is went it went so horribly wrong.
To cut a long story short I deposit about 6 grand and turn it into 24 grand in a space of a day. I am glowing at this point..but that was never going to last and I should have taken heed of the warning signs from before.
The next day I blow it all and then some. I credit cards are now near maxed out after chasing the losses and I pretty mmuch felt numb inside. The saving grace was that I was able to obtain a loan and pay off the debt on my cards with a manageable loan repayment to boot. I feel a little better at this point and stop gambling again.
This did not last long....
In February I go into another meltdown. I managed to turn a profit again with another sizable donation to the gambling website, but lose it all again.
I ask my bank to increase my loan amount and again pay off my cards and with some spare cash in the bank. And once again things feel okay temporarily but this time I don't stop gambling and once again try to win more.
Tonight has more or less been the final straw. I lost another 5 grand tonight and find myself with approx 40 grand of debts to contend with.
To date I have lost more than 50 grand in the space of a few months. Probably far more overall since I started gambling only 18 months ago. I shudder to think of the amount of money I have won and then lost through playing slots, roulette, bingo etc.
To top this all off I met a fantastic woman in January and she is pretty much the one for me. She has no idea of my gambling problem and I am scared that she will find out and she will struggle to come to terms with who I actually am.
Literally if it was not for her I would have contemplated taking my own life at this point. If I lost her now, I don't know what I would do.
All of what I have written is just the tip of the iceberg to be honest and I feel like this gambling problem is so out of control, I don't know what to do next.
I am now awaiting contact from a debt consolidation company. Knowing full well that I will now ruin my credit rating and any chance of finding a mortgage later down the line because of what I have become.
Literally feel I have thrown the last couple of years of my life away that I worked so hard to achieve.
Hi timeforlife, welcome to the Forum and well done for posting what you have here,
I gambled for twenty years before stopping over five years ago. In that time, I lost 350,000, two homes, two partners and all my material possessions, several times over.
There comes a time when you have to draw a line under what has happened my friend, otherwise you face a future which is clouded and compromised by a past you cannot alter or amend.
I have debt that I am still paying off, and it will take me many years to do the same but that's ok - I have moved on, and I am happier than I have ever been; you get used to the constriction after a short while, and then you realise that money just isn't that important as when you were gambling; most of what I do now to occupy my time takes little or no money at all - I do charity work, sing, write, go hiking and much more.
If you don't tell your partner, then she runs the very real and obvious risk of finding out by herself; she may even have her suspicions already, and will have to be made aware if you want to take this relationship to the next level by moving in or having children. You have two options at the moment my friend - 1) Tell her - at least you are being honest; if you feel you can't, then read some of the stories on the "Family and Friends" section of this Forum; almost every entry says that broken trust is far, far worse than the money itself. 2) Not tell her - if you choose this way, then you can never, ever gamble again, zero tolerance, until the end of your days my friend. You also have to find a way of making sure you can manage this debt without the possibility of her knowing, or it compromising your future together; is this possible?
The money you have lost is of a large quantity my friend, but if you never gambled again, it would be the best investment you ever made - if you struggle with how much you have lost, then make it mean something, make it represent the time when you turned your life around.
I can't change what I have done, but I am determined I will never waste one single penny, or one single second of my time on gambling again. Not only that, I will use what I have been through to push me on in my career and make me expand my horizons; I am, and I have, done everything to turn that big negative into a big positive.
You have a choice my friend; you can always fall further, trust me on that - I never believed that I would reach a stage where I was homeless, hungry and scouring the streets to find coppers to buy some out of date bread rolls.
Urges are only temporary, the soon pass - learn to "ride the storm" and work your way through it; you will get stronger in time. Place blocking software like K9 or Betfilter on your Laptop/PC, think about GA and, if I was in your shoes, I would explain everything to my partner at the earliest opportunity.
My heart goes out to you my friend. Try and be positive - imagine if this was truly the last bet, imagine looking back on this post after ten gamble-free years; nothing is worth the way you are feeling now, nothing - if your mind heads towards gambling, then imagine winning everything back, imagine it - is that the dream at the moment? The dream is your biggest nightmare because those big wins have made your previous, smaller stakes redundant, which is why you kept making them larger, which invariably led to losing and then suddenly, those smaller amounts meant nothing.
I wish you well my friend. You seem like a good person - this doesn't have to be the end but you can't bury your head in the sand; you need to make some hard, fast decisions and follow throw with them, pretty much immediately.
As I said, if you want to justify what you have lost, and what you have done, then make it mean something my friend.
JamesP
Thanks for the reply. I'm still numb inside for having amassed so much debt in just 6 months and then meeting what is potentially my life long partner at the same time.
I would rather not disclose anything for the time being in the hope that I can beat this addiction with the support from forums like this.
She is the most amazing person I have ever met and I think the compulsion to gamble was due in part down to satisfying my own need to make her as happy as I can.
I feel like there is more at stake now than just money.
Lost another 500 today.
I can't stop.
I'm waiting to be paid next week to gamble again and awaiting some money back from my brother to gamble again too.
I am out of control and its like I don't know what to do with myself when bored nowadays.
My girlfriend is busy this weekend and I feel this is a contributory factor when I don't get to see her.
I also felt out of control. Ive taken myself beyond the point of no return and now like you face huge financial problems not to mention the emotional ones. I think Ive realised though I can't make things right with a magic wand so all I can do is no more damage. I wish I'd woke up to this fact a few weeks ago and I wouldnt be in this mess now. Just do your best not to gamble, thats my sole aim now.
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